Chapter 18 #5
I warmed the soup only enough to take the chill from being in the refrigerator out so he wouldn’t have to wait before he could eat without burning his tongue.
As I ladled some into a bowl, I inhaled the aroma of chicken broth and noticed she’d added small bowtie pasta.
I even remembered to add a teaspoon of grated Parmesan cheese, as was his custom.
I set it down at the breakfast bar with a napkin and spoon.
Then I put on water to boil for tea before going to get him.
At his bedside, my heart ached when I saw that his brow was furrowed even in sleep and his eyes flitted behind closed lids. I pressed a soft kiss to each eyelid as I’d done earlier and then one on his mouth. “Baby,” I murmured and kissed his temple. “Baby, can you wake up for me?”
Ethan stirred and began to turn toward my voice, which caused his back to brush against the mattress. He winced and I promptly bolstered him by his shoulders until he maneuvered his body and was sitting up. “I was having a bad dream.”
“What about?” I asked, my voice gentle.
“I couldn’t make it out, but I know it had to do with your mother’s attack on me and feeling unloved. I do remember one moment…”
I didn’t ask because Ethan would continue when he was ready.
He gripped my hand, raised it to his cheek, and just closed his eyes.
He spoke again, not opening them to look at me.
“And then… I felt kisses on my face and then your voice, at first sounding far away, as if you were in a vacuum. And you were too far away to hear but gradually your voice was closer and when I heard you calling me baby, I knew that I was loved.”
“I do, baby. I will never let a day go by that you don’t feel my love in every pore of your being.
I’m going to learn how to be a partner worthy of you.
Because I want to be able to give you everything that you crave.
I don’t want Liam or anyone else touching you…
giving you aftercare. Administering to your wounds.
I want you to depend only on me… your babbo. ”
Ethan turned his gaze on me, his green eyes glistening, not with tears, but with a luminance that made them translucent, exposing his soul. “You’re perfect for me in every way, Jude. And if you can love me as a partner… and Frank, Mamma, and Gabby can draw me into their orbit… I don’t need more.”
Pushing to my feet, I said, “Speaking of Mamma, she made soup for you before she went home.”
Ethan took my extended hand as he smiled, a genuine one that helped to dissipate my worry. “What kind?”
“Smells like chicken broth with bowties and yes, I added grated Parmesan. Although, by now, I might have to heat it again.”
“What about you?” Ethan asked.
“She made me eat before Gabby came for me,” I said on a chuckle.
We went into the kitchen and I waited for Ethan to sit and sample the soup. “How is it?”
“It’s fine,” Ethan said after he tried it. “Taste’s good.”
“I was going to make you tea but maybe orange juice instead? A scene like you had must take a lot of energy out of you.”
“Mm, it does,” Ethan responded. “But Liam gave me a container of juice. Actually, I’ll have a bottle of water, please. The kind with electrolytes.”
I uncapped the bottle and placed it in front of him. I felt fidgety and wasn’t sure why. I sat while Ethan scarfed down his soup.
“Mamma once told me to always have portioned chicken broth in the freezer. She must’ve been happy to know that I followed her advice.”
I was only half listening to Ethan so I hadn’t responded. But when I mindlessly cleared the table and took the saucepan off the stove to be washed, I startled when he said my name. “Jude.”
I spun around. “What?”
“You tell me,” he said with so much patience even though he’s the one who’d been through hell tonight.
Even so, I threw up my hands. “Take your pick. The church doesn’t want to release me even after breaking all my vows.
I have a wretched fucking family who’s never done a millimeter what s-she’s done,” I sputtered, pointing to the soup bowl.
Because of my vile mother, you’re struggling with your trauma.
And on top of everything, Gabby and her wife don’t want to raise a baby that you’re already in love with.
” My voice lowered, I looked at him through a lens both metaphorically and literally glassy-eyed.
“And all I want is for everything to fucking go away.”
“What else?”
I stared at him incredulously, my eyes wide. “Isn’t that enough?”
“No,” Ethan said, matter-of-factly. “If we’re going to go through your list of grievances, then I want everything on the table.”
“Since you seem to know something that I don’t, you tell me,” I snapped, my arms crossed over my chest, my back tense.
Ethan rubbed the back of his neck as he pulled in air only to blow it out long and slow. “Jude, I need to get off my feet and, on the sofa, where I can sit sidewards. Join me, please.”
I was ashamed of my behavior. Great partner I’m being.
I was exploding at him because I couldn’t fucking deal with my own shit.
And what was with all the F-dropping? In one day, I’d cursed more than I had in any year previously.
But honestly, there was a freedom in not having to censor what came out of my mouth.
I needed some kind of mental outlet after Gabby delivered the news about her and Belle, which directly affected Ethan and the baby’s future.
It was the last straw. Almost the last. Ethan had been right.
I had one more item to air. I don’t know how he read me considering the short time we’ve known each other.
I dropped my hands to my sides in a show of surrender. “Do you want something to drink?”
“No, Jude. I just want you.”
“I don’t know why,” I admitted.
“Because it’s been a hard night for both of us,” Ethan said in finality. “Not just for me.”
I mirrored Ethan’s position sideward on the sofa, one knee resting on the cushion.
Squaring my shoulders, I met Ethan’s piercing gaze.
“Intellectually, I understand why you ran and sought help with another man to ease your pain. Yet, the fact that I couldn’t be what you craved made me jealous, which was only made worse by the fact that he was the one who blanketed you and walked you off the stage, his arms around you.
He was the one who attended to your wounds…
who told me that I should be proud of you.
As if I wasn’t already proud and didn’t need to be told by a stranger. ”
“Whatever I say can’t take away the fact that you’re right.
What I needed in the form of aftercare, you weren’t able to give me.
But through no fault of your own, Jude. We’ve only known each other for two and a half months.
And you were a priest for over half of your life.
Now it’s catch-up for you. But there is a solution to this issue. ”
“Dump me and find Master Liam instead,” I groused.
“First of all, Master Liam is straight. So, he might have given me aftercare, but it was purely efficient. The same as if a doctor was providing me the service.”
My interest piqued. “Really?” I asked sounding like a lovesick teenager.
“Really,” Ethan said, reaching over to rub his hand down my leg. “My compromise was that
the next time I’m craving an impact session, Master Liam will do the actual beating. When he’s done, he’ll hand me over to you for the aftercare.” He scooted closer, letting his hand glide up my inner thigh. “What are your thoughts?”
I placed my hand over his. “Yes, I’m good with that while I’m under his training.”
Ethan gently pushed me down and rested my head on the arm of the sofa.
Then he maneuvered himself so he was straddling my thighs.
He unbuckled my belt and then loosened the T-shirt I had on from my jeans.
“I like my shirt on you. The fit is snug.” But before I go any further exploring your perfect body, we need to talk about the most important topic on your list. I know what it is, but I want to hear from you. ”
As much as I was afraid of losing Ethan, he deserved for me to be honest. I didn’t want to make the same mistake that Gabby had by not being truthful with Belle about wanting a baby.
So, I gathered my courage and said, “I’ve been cloistered throughout my twenties and early thirties, the years when most males are exploring life.
Not only sexually but finding themselves…
discovering where they fit in the world.
I never had that, Ethan. When we first began talking, I saw us being adventurous together.
Having you teach me about things I’d never even knew existed. ”
“Like being a in a Dominant/submissive relationship?”
“Yeah, exactly.” I clasped his hand and brought it to my mouth and after pressing an openmouthed kiss onto the soft belly of his palm, I said, “I don’t want the full responsibility of a child.
” I let my hands drop and heaved a sigh, forcing myself to continue.
“My fear is that’s exactly where Gabby is heading.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t be hooking up so fast. She’s in flight mode, like I was the day that I ran, fleeing from her responsibility as a mother. ”
“I agree with you, Jude. But also, we’re speculating.” With his hand on my nape, he pulled me to him and pressed our foreheads together. “Don’t run from me, Babbo. Give us and Gabby a chance. And if and when you decide to split, promise me you won’t be a coward about it.”
I attempted to break from his hold on my neck but he wouldn’t let me. I still said my mind. “That was brash.”
“Cutting out like I did was wrong. We’re both tempted by the appeal of running to seek relief. So, promise me, Jude.”