Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
JUDE
Little did I know that Saturday night would be the last time Ethan and I would be together intimately.
In retrospect, I was glad that I told him I would love him for the rest of the night.
And I had. Slow and sure, sucking him off in the aftercare room, bringing him the relief he so desperately needed.
And then again at home, leisurely… more lovingly, taking him over the edge with a second orgasm.
Neither had I expected to be sitting in the waiting room outside the maternity ward with Ethan and Frank.
Gabby had wanted her mother in the labor room.
Ethan wore a solemn expression, a display of nerves in the rapid tapping of his left leg.
I’d squeeze his hand or gently rub the top of his leg and he’d give me a guilty smile for being annoying.
As for Frank, he paced around the room and glared at his watch. He dropped to a hard chair every now and then for about five minutes but never any longer before another revolution around the room, the thumping of his cane hitting a pace.
Gabby had been in labor since the night before, but the mid-wife had assured us the delivery wouldn’t happen for another eighteen to twenty-four hours.
Thus, Frank and Ethan had gone to work, and I met them at the hospital at five thirty.
Mamma had sent an update text to Frank half an hour earlier to say that it would be any minute.
Now she came pushing through the double doors, grinning through her tears, her bellowing echoing throughout the ward. “It’s a girl!”
A baby girl. Ethan had been hoping for a girl, teasing because he wanted my prediction to come through. And it had.
He turned to me, stunned. “You knew all along.” Jumping up, he pulled me next to him and hugged me fiercely.
“I love you, Jude.” I couldn’t appreciate him more for taking a moment in his excitement to tell me how he felt.
I think he already knew what my plans were; I’d packed my car with my belongings when he’d been at work.
Mamma pulled Ethan into an embrace, then me, grabbing my hand and yanking me along into the maternity room for me to look on the tableau.
Frank kissed Gabby on the forehead. “Did everything go well?”
Gabby let out a sigh of exhaustion. “Yes, Papa. Baby and me are fine.”
Frank stepped aside to stand with his wife, both of them unable to stop smiling.
Ethan also kissed Gabby on the cheek. “You did good,” he said and then gingerly fingered the pink baby blanket in order to take a good look.
Bending over, he cooed, “Welcome to the world, little one.” He turned back to Gabby.
“Does she have everything she’s supposed to?
Fingers and toes and all the good stuff? ”
No one asked if I wanted to see the baby and I didn’t offer. I was waiting for my opportunity to slip away quietly.
Gabby locked gazes with Ethan. “Everything she needs—except one vital thing.”
I knew exactly what was coming. I didn’t know how but I did and then Gabby continued, much to Ethan’s confusion.
“She needs someone to adopt her, Ethan.”
“You can’t know already, Gabby,” Ethan said, almost hysterical. “You should take your time. The decision is too important.”
Gabby shook her head and when she held out the bundle for Ethan to take from her, I made my getaway.
I didn’t know how I navigated the corridors and doorways, trying frantically to find an elevator or stairwell.
Anything to get me out of there. Fucking finally, I yanked open the door to the stairs and raced down, holding on to the railing with two hands as I tripped and stumbled down to the ground floor.
I raced toward the exit and out to the parking deck.
My phone chirped with an incoming text and I ignored it.
I had to keep moving in case Ethan came after me.
My heart raced as fast as my mind and my adrenalin was making me almost dizzy.
But I got to my car and threw it into Drive, almost crashing into a pole as I rounded a bend in the road too fast.
Once off hospital property, I drove only a few blocks before I had to pull over before my breakdown overtook me. I made a sharp right turn, not even looking to see if the lane next to me was clear. It wasn’t, and some angry woman lowered her window to curse at me. I deserved it.
I slid into the first parking space I saw in the strip mall. My phone alerted me to another text and right after, the ringtone I’d assigned for Ethan’s ring. When his photo popped up, I erupted into sobs. I had to fucking stop the ringing. But my fucking fingers refused to work.
Ringing.
Ringing.
Finally, I powered down the wretched device.
The ringing stopped and silence set in. In the quiet of an early winter sunset, I knew I’d made the right decision to take off.
I wasn’t disappointed in Ethan not giving me a second look when Gabby held the infant out to him.
He was enthralled. Beguiled by a little girl whose name I might never know.
But disappointment consumed me that of all people, Mamma hadn’t drawn me into their ring of family.
I thought we’d gotten close over the last seven months. Apparently, I’d been fooling myself.
Run away. Escape. Flee. Different words for the same cowardly way I’d ended what could’ve been a beautiful relationship with the only person who’d ever loved me completely for who I was.
I fucking swear I felt my face drop when I thought about how smug my parents and Father Matthew would be that I didn’t get the guy after all.
I didn’t think Bishop Sanchez would be happy at my loss.
He’d suggested that I put God’s love to good use.
The thing was, I didn’t feel any love from anyone except Ethan.
I felt his love deep inside, where it would reside forever.
If I returned right now, he’d open his arms for me, telling me how worried he’d been.
And I’d assuage his concern, kiss his creased brow, and tell him that I had only needed a little time.
But when he’d offer for me to hold his sweet bundle, I’d reject her.
I wasn’t mature enough or capable of providing the unconditional love that Ethan would shower on her.
I gripped the steering wheel and thumped my forehead against it.
Yeah, I was a fucking coward. I ran away from the Church rather than stick my time out until my laicization was denied.
I ran away tonight rather than support the man I loved.
Or maybe, I didn’t really love him. Clearly, not enough if I could run out on him.
And I attempted to soothe my guilt by thinking of him being able to rely on Frank and Mamma.
If I had stayed in the maternity room, would he have changed his mind about adopting the baby?
That was a fucking hard no. He would have asked what he could do to make the situation easier for me.
That’s why he was an incredible caretaker.
My Daddy. I wanted to say that he wasn’t my Daddy any longer but that would never be true.
His role in my life would never go away, even if we were apart.
In time, the grief would lessen to a level that I’d be able to think about him without tear-filled eyes.
“Why!” I screamed inside my vehicle much like Ethan had done in front of the rectory.
I wasn’t even sure what I was asking. And now, here I was venting my frustration and loss by yelling into the night sky.
No amount of screaming was going to make me feel human.
Plus, more importantly, what next? I started the car but didn’t know where to go.
For starters, I had to find a hotel for the night.
I decided driving south to San Diego was just as good as anywhere else.
I drove an hour or more but when my driving became erratic, I knew I couldn’t go on.
My bouts of tears kept falling. So, when the exit for Oceanside came up, I veered off the highway.
Being the location of the Marine base for Camp Pendleton, I figured there would be a variety of options.
As expected, I spotted the Harbor Inn & Suites Oceanside with signage that advertised, Cheapest Rates in the County.
After parking my car in one of the spaces dedicated for guests, I wiped my face with my shirtsleeve and ran my fingers through my hair to put it in some semblance of order.
I went inside to the reservation desk where within minutes, a clerk handed me the key card for my room.
I thanked her and turned toward the exit, noticing my surroundings.
The shabby lobby was in dire need of updating and fresh paint.
Food stains and God only knew what else splattered the upholstered furniture in the lobby.
The area rugs couldn’t have been vacuumed in days, and I almost changed my mind about staying.
The rooms had to be in the same state. As long as there were no roaches, I could deal.
I was saving a lot of money. So much so that I had rented the room for three nights.
Shuddering, I exited and relocated my car outside my room, one of about forty that were stacked one over the other and all facing the parking lot.
My room was on the second level, much to my preference.
When I’d packed my belongings into the trunk of my car, I’d purposely kept an overnight duffle bag aside to fill with basic toiletries and two changes of clothes for when I was on the road.
I’d never been so glad for my foresight as right then.