Chapter 23 #2
After locking my car, I steeled myself and hanging my computer case over my shoulder, I snatched the duffle bag and climbed the stairs.
My room was the first one to the right. I shut my eyes, trying not to imagine what I was going to see.
Taking another breath, I used the key card and pushed the door open.
The room was in darkness, the blackout curtains closed, and if the area had been infested, the buggers would’ve scattered with the influx of light from the overhead bulbs.
So far nothing made me run. The biggest test other than roaches was the hygiene of the bathroom.
I stepped inside, cringing. The bathtub featured rust stains around the drain and chipped enamel.
But thankfully, the sink had the odor of disinfectant, as did the toilet bowl.
I wanted to laugh at myself. At sixty-nine dollars per night, what the fuck was I expecting?
Certainly not the clean lines and aesthetics of Ethan’s condo.
We’d taken advantage of the jetted tub at least once a week and the walk-in enclosed shower fit both of us.
He’d told me that when he started working at the Maserati dealership, his bedroom was the first overhaul.
Little by little he’d replaced all his secondhand furniture with an eclectic mix of traditional and mid-century modern.
We’d used the loungers on his balcony practically every night when the weather was nice and a few times even when it was raining, since the patio above kept us dry.
My last thought had me running from the bathroom so I wouldn’t scream at myself in the mirror. Had I made the stupidest fucking mistake of my life? I was in love with the man. Yet, here I was in room that smelled of mildew and tobacco, despite signs that read, No Smoking.
I needed to lay down before I collapsed from emotional fatigue.
But germaphobe that I was, I lifted a corner of the mattress, inspecting for bed bugs.
None. The cotton-covering was worn but not outright dirty.
I’d have to leave the maid a generous tip.
I also had to turn my phone on and check my messages.
I thought about the time when Ethan took off.
We were a fucked pair when it came to running but I refused to keep him worrying when he was supposed to be happy. And maybe he was.
Piling three pillows behind my back, I powered my phone on where a string of messages showed on the screen. I’d save Ethan’s for last. The first was from Mamma.
Mamma: I am so sorry, Jude. I ignored you.
We all did. And then you were gone. Please, I have no excuse except I hadn’t expected Gabby to immediately hand the baby off to Ethan which probably hurt you to watch.
I don’t know why I reacted like I did, because we’ve gotten close over the months.
I hope you can forgive me and come back to us. Love, Mamma
Her second text was a picture of Ethan holding the baby.
Mamma: Jude, look at Ethan’s face. This was taken after he came back from looking for you. When he saw you were gone, he went into a panic, blaming himself
I didn’t have to look deeply to see exactly what Mamma described.
He had the same devastated look of despair in his eyes.
Eyes that were almost black instead of their emerald green.
I didn’t want to study the baby too closely, but it was hard not to when Ethan seemed to be posing her for Mamma.
She was so tiny, and I wondered when she was a few months older what characteristics she’d inherit from Ethan.
Even the color of her skin tone was difficult to make out clearly.
If nothing else, I hoped she’d get his green eyes.
I went to the next one, skipping over Ethan’s.
Frank: Jude, where are you? You should be here with us. I don’t know what happened because Ethan refuses to say, but whatever problems between you can be worked out. Please come back to Ethan… to us
Frank’s text was touching. And one thing became apparent: In falling in love with Jude, I also had a found family who truly missed me. I was surprised to see a text from Gabby. We spoke easily enough, and I saw her at Sunday dinners, however we’d never really bonded, a by-product of the baby.
Gabby: My parents and Ethan are blaming themselves.
But it was me. I want you to understand why I handed the baby off so quick.
I couldn’t keep holding her. Knowing that I’m not keeping her, I had to know if Ethan was going to adopt her.
The only time I take her is when she needs a feeding.
Please try to understand. I couldn’t stand having her in my arms. I wish you’d come back.
Ethan’s shattered and left soon after Mamma took the photo. He loves you, Jude
I appreciated Gabby’s explanation because it softened my resentment toward her.
Emotions were high for all of them. In watching Gabby hold out the baby to Ethan, Mamma and Frank also had to have been in shock in the moment.
They’d hoped beyond hope that when Gabby laid eyes on her child, she’d change her mind about adoption.
From their perspective their sole focus was on what was happening between their daughter and granddaughter.
As it should’ve been. And I began to see a horrid thread that weaved through the texts.
I was a selfish bastard who saw everything through my personal lens, an admission that had me petrified to open Ethan’s texts.
And so, I stared with shaking hands for long minutes at the beginning lines before I had the courage to open them.
Ethan: I had a dreadful feeling since we heard news that Gabby was in labor that you were already out of my life.
But then I’d remind myself of the promise we made.
You promised, Jude, that when the time came, you’d say goodbye.
I’m so angry that you took off. I swear that when Gabby held the baby out to me, I was stunned and it took a few minutes to process because I still hadn’t decided about adopting her.
I wanted to talk to you now that she was born.
And then I turned around and you weren’t fucking there.
I can’t trust that you won’t run every time something happens.
And I hate that I fucking love you so damn much.
I don’t know what to do, Jude. I can’t stand the idea of losing you.
Yet, how am I going to let my daughter be adopted by someone else?
Ethan: At least give me the courtesy of telling me that you’re okay.
It’s obvious I don’t understand the extent of your fears.
So tell me what they are, Jude. I won’t decide about the baby until we talk because I don’t want to fucking lose you.
I’m not going to work tomorrow in the hopes you’ll see me. All my love. Ethan
I knew that I broke Ethan’s trust when I ran from the hospital.
But I also felt my heart being torn from my body when he welcomed his infant daughter into the world.
When Gabby told Ethan the baby could be his I was so sure that he’d say yes, that adopting the baby was a foregone conclusion.
I’d been so damn wrong. And as such I’d made a mockery of Ethan’s love for me.
What did I do now after acting like a spoiled brat?
But I knew what I had to do. Reply to everyone’s texts.
Me: Mamma, I’m sorry I ran out. I felt dismissed.
But after reading your text and those from Gabby and Frank, I understand the emotions you must’ve been going through a little better.
You hoped Gabby would keep the baby. I also realize maybe for the first time ever that you truly want me as part of your family
Me: Frank, thank you for your text. Accepting me as one of your family is something I cherish. I’m sorry that I messed up what should’ve been a happy day for you and Mamma. Congratulations on your beautiful granddaughter
Me: Gabby, I ran because I felt my world slipping away when I saw how in love Ethan was with your daughter.
I knew he’d choose her over me and I was scared of losing him.
I appreciate you explaining your feelings.
I selfishly hadn’t given a thought to what you must’ve been going through knowing you were giving her away.
Whatever was involved in your decision might be close to why I don’t want to raise a child.
But I also don’t want to lose Ethan. Sometimes, we bring on our own misery, don’t we?
I felt good writing to Gabby as if I’d cleared the air between us, at least on my part.
The realization that we were struggling with the same issues about being responsible for another human being and raising said human was mind blowing.
And not necessarily in a good way. Unfortunately, the downside of Gabby’s text was that it made me realize that I had such a skewed perspective of the tableau Ethan made with the infant.
I assumed he’d already made up his mind.
I didn’t consider that he needed time to process.
She wasn’t just any infant in the nursery; she was his daughter.
And he was holding her for the first time.
Only now did I realize what an egotistical bastard I was.
Me: I don’t feel that I have the right to call you Daddy. But I do want to see you. I’ll drive to wherever you want if you’d rather me not go to the apartment. I am sorry and I love you so very much
I fell back on the pillows. God, I felt at a loss not being able to refer to his apartment as my home, too. But how could I when I packed everything in my car and took off.
Ethan: I’ll come to you. The ride south along the coast will do me good
Me: How do you know I drove south?
Ethan: I know your exact location. Harbor Inn & Suites Oceanside
Me: How?
Ethan: I’ll give up my secrets when I see you tomorrow at 1 PM
Me: Be forewarned, the motel is a dump
Ethan: I don’t give a fuck about the goddamn room, Jude. I do give a fuck about sleeping alone tonight
I felt chastised, as I should. We’d been sleeping together for almost a year.
Should I be honest and tell him that I was going to miss him, too?
My thought processes had short-circuited over the last two days.
I hadn’t taken into consideration the fact that I wouldn’t feel his warm body around me, we hadn’t been apart since I moved out of the La Quinta.
I wanted to suggest he come tonight, but with the distance that was me being selfish again.
Not only selfish. I had an epiphany about how na?ve I was.
Me: You’re right. Room 204
Usually, Ethan was easy to converse with.
However, he’d also never been angry with me.
We’d had our disagreements but when he inserted a variation of fuck in every sentence, I recognized that as him spewing fire.
The way he’d been when he’d come home to find my parents in his living room yelling at me, me hiding my face in my hands.
Tossing my phone aside, I readjusted the pillows and slid down the mattress onto my back.
I had a slight urge to piss but couldn’t be bothered right then.
Instead, I kicked off my Vans and unbuckled my belt.
I’d take care of business in a few minutes.
I was still puzzled how Ethan knew my exact location.
Spying my phone in my periphery, it came to me and my lips quirked in amusement.
We both had iPhones and when I’d purchased it, Ethan insisted on pairing the installed software for Find My.
He’d been concerned about his parents or someone from the Church ambushing him. I’d totally forgotten about it.
But software was not what was on my mind. I wanted to fantasize about being cradled by Ethan, his warm lips on my neck, him murmuring in his sexy tenor, Daddy’s gonna make you feel so good, tesoro…Ti amo cosi tanto, cazzo.