Chapter 37 Val
VAL
Over the next few days, Carter and I treated each other too politely, the way you do after a fight when there are still unresolved issues, and you know the other person still insists on their beliefs, but you don’t want to fight again.
Our interactions were bordering on frosty, and I thought the girls picked up on it, which filled me with immense guilt.
I’d called Hailey and Lori the next morning. They had been ecstatic about the trip. The festival lasted two weeks, and the tickets were flexible.
Since Lori had weddings booked every weekend, we had to go during the week.
Hailey had to ask her boss for time off.
Two hours later, she confirmed she was up for it.
Neither of them could miss work for more than two days, though, so I was flying out earlier to take advantage of the three-night stay.
My flight to Florida was scheduled on the afternoon of the same day that Carter traveled with the girls to Montana.
“Have fun with your grandparents,” I wished the girls as I dropped the three of them off at the airport.
“Thanks, Val.”
I squeezed them both in a tight hug until April snickered and Peyton squealed adorably.
“You have fun too, okay?” Carter murmured, kissing my forehead.
“Sure.”
He looked as if he wanted to say something more, then simply shook his head, and off they went.
I felt a growing pressure in my chest as I waved them goodbye.
Afterward, I hurried to Carter’s apartment to pack for my trip.
I had to go to my house too, but since I’d brought a few essentials to his place, I’d gather those first.
I hated packing. So the first thing I did upon entering the apartment was turn on the music on my phone.
My favorite songs always made everything better.
Right then, though, they couldn’t assuage the ache I felt beneath my collarbone.
I massaged my chest, wishing things between Carter and me would return to normal.
Even the goodbye at the airport had been a little cold.
I knew that while he was sorry he’d hurt me, he still thought he had a point. At least he hadn’t repeated that insane point out loud. I was getting mad just remembering our fight and shook my head. I couldn’t get angry again, or I’d start a fight with myself.
Since music wasn’t helping, I decided on a new tactic and called my assistant while I made a sweep through the house.
“Anne, walk me through the to-do list for the next three days.”
“Are you multitasking again?”
“You know me.”
She rattled off a mile-long list of tasks, concluding with, “And the contract was just delivered. It would be great if you could sign it before going out of town.”
“Sure, I’ll stop by. I don’t know why we can’t all embrace the era of electronic signatures,” I mumbled. “Would save time, space, and trees.”
I made no progress packing while I was on the phone, so I ended the call. Honestly, I’d just hoped talking to her would interrupt the incessant stream of negative thoughts.
It quickly became apparent that I’d brought far more than a few essentials to Carter’s place.
God, my stuff was everywhere. I had clothes on almost every surface in the bedroom, and even on an armchair in the living room.
My makeup and skincare products occupied two shelves out of three behind the mirror in the bathroom.
My scrubs and hair masks were spread out in the shower.
His shower gel and shampoo were squished in one corner.
I even found some of my clothes in Peyton’s room.
When had I taken over his apartment?
Had I made myself too comfortable? Been too intrusive?
Oh, God, I had, hadn’t I? Taking over the girls’ schedule, even getting involved in choosing a nanny.
He’d repeatedly told me that I didn’t have to take on so many tasks…
. I’d thought I was doing a good thing, that I’d made myself useful.
If anyone looked up intrusive in the dictionary, my picture would be right next to it.
I’d been that way as a kid, and after my parents passed away, that trait had intensified.
Partly because I’d needed to take charge of everyone’s lives, and partly because it was simply my nature.
It was the only way I knew how to love. I went all in, involving myself in every aspect of their life.
I broke out in a cold sweat as for the first time since our fight, I thought about another angle.
The voucher burned in my pocket. I tried to calm myself down.
It had been a thoughtful gift. I forbade myself to dissect it and turn it into something it wasn’t.
But he’d also told me to use the time to think if I was really okay with this, if it’s what I wanted.
What if he’d asked me to reconsider if I was happy because he was reconsidering things as well?
Was this a gentle way of indicating he was rethinking our relationship? My heart almost stopped at that. It couldn’t be. Carter didn’t do gentle. He was determined and passionate. When he had something to say, he didn’t mince words. But maybe he made exceptions….
I didn’t doubt that Carter loved me, but maybe he hadn’t counted on my intrusive nature. Maybe once that side of me became too obvious, he realized it overshadowed the happiness I brought him. Had I been too suffocating?
I sank onto Peyton’s bed, hugging her teddy bear. It smelled of cherries, just like Peyton, and brought a small smile to my lips. My heart was heavy, though, and my mind full of questions and insecurities.
All I could see were my piles of stuff spread out everywhere. They weighed even me down. When I stood up from the bed, I swayed a little, suddenly feeling lightheaded.
I didn’t even know where to start packing. I started in our bedroom, before remembering some of the things I’d thrown around in the living room. And all those shoes in the foyer… I’d forgotten about them. I made a mental inventory of what I’d have to pack for the trip.
As I looked around the bedroom again, my heart was beating so fast, I feared it was going to jump out of my chest.
Then I decided I was going to gather all my things, just in case Carter needed his territory back and hadn’t wanted to hurt my feelings by saying it.
My limbs felt heavy as I dragged myself around the house, picking up clothes and random possessions. My eyes were burning, and my entire chest felt as if I was being squeezed by a tight corset.
I stopped by the office to sign the papers, and before leaving I descended to the lab. My head chemist was still there.
“Nicole, if you need any input, you can always call me.”
Nicole shook her head. “I’ll survive three days on my own. But, before you go, I do have some goodies for you.”
She showed me two small vials, then sprayed a puff from each on a paper tester.
“Newly concocted today.”
I held them to my nose, and immediately wanted to hug her.
“You so deserve a raise. These are fantastic.”
“See? I can handle things around here without you. Now go, have fun.”
Nicole handed me the vials, and I pocketed them before leaving. Sampling was one of my favorite things to do in the world, but even that wasn’t enough to keep my worry from spiraling into panic as I headed home. I needed to drop off there the stuff I’d packed that I wasn’t taking on the trip.
I took a cab to LAX, wishing my sisters could join me tonight, even though I wasn’t brave enough yet to share my fears with them.
I was ashamed that I was allowing my insecurities to overpower me.
I ran a successful business, and I’d overcome many adversities in my life. My self-esteem was at a healthy level most of the time. Right now, though? My mind was a dangerous place. I knew that, but I couldn’t help that it worked a certain way.
I worried myself sick, wondering if my meddling nature had pushed away the man I loved; if I had suffocated his feelings for me.