Chapter 52
52
The Net Loft, St Aidan
Hot house plants and herbaceous borders
Friday
I t’s Friday, and a week since I started staying here at the Net Loft instead of the cottage. It’s been a thousand times more unbearable than the week before that, when Miles and I were all over each other– for all the opposite reasons. Seeing Miles even less– i.e. not even bumping into him in the mud room– has been horrible, but this is the only way I can deal with it, and I’m hoping I’ll get used to it eventually. In the meantime, I’m still dashing backwards and forwards along the beach with Fudge to sort out Pumpkin and sell Miles’s buns.
When I come back into the shop after this afternoon’s beach sales there are crowds of visitors milling on the harbourside. Zofia is serving drinks at the pastry table, but there’s no danger of meeting Miles, because he’s now baking at Jackie’s or the cottage. Even though I’ve just spent my seventh night here, Zofia is still protesting.
‘You do know you and Miles are the most stop-go couple in St Aidan?’
I know Zofia too well now. ‘Why not skip the preamble and tell me where you’re going with this?’
‘I’ve promised Miles I’ll deliver you to my house at four.’
Jackie steps out from behind the postcard rack. ‘I’m here to cover while you go.’ She fingers the silk scarf that’s knotted around her neck. ‘Whatever he’s done, Betty, please give him another chance. He’s never been as happy as he has since you guys got together at the cottage. Or as miserable as he’s been the last few days.’
I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry, Jackie. It’s not him, it’s me.’ I’m not going to get out of this, but at least I can do it my way. ‘It’s busy so there’s no need for you to deliver me. I’ll leave you two here and drive myself.’
Zofia squeezes my fingers as I pass, and whispers. ‘He’ll be in the gazebo in the second walled garden.’
Then Clemmie and Plum burst through from the kitchen, pull me into a hug, and say, ‘Go get him, girl!’ which somewhat blows the secrecy vibe out of the water. The whole village knows about this, but whatever.
* * *
I’m heading out of town against the traffic, then I hit the single-track lanes, but thirty minutes later I’m padding across the soft green lawn of Zofia’s vegetable garden, past the vibrant orange and pinks of the marigolds and cosmos, and the lavender that is buzzing with the sound of bees. The trellis structure where Miles is waiting is like a mini version of the bandstand on the Neighbours TV show where so many crucial plot moments happen.
I step under the shingled roof and get in first. ‘If you’re about to propose to me, Milo, please don’t.’
‘I’m not.’
I’m relieved he’s got that right. ‘Great. How can I help?’
He’s resting his bum on the table. ‘I’ve waited my whole life to feel like this, Betsy– you can’t tell me to go away.’
My chest constricts because he sounds so broken. I owe it to him to explain. ‘I was fine when we first got together. Then it hit me that the reason I want to throw up every time I see you is because I’m in love with you. And now I know I can’t cope with any of it.’
‘So you feel it too?’
‘The vomiting?’
He shakes his head. ‘No, Betsy, the love.’
‘That’s the bit I can’t do.’ My mouth fills with so much sour saliva, I wince. ‘It all goes back to what happened with Mason.’
Miles winces. ‘Something like that is bound to stay with you. Which part are you struggling with especially?’
I take a deep breath. ‘I can’t help the feeling that if I’d been more aware, I could have averted it.’
Miles blows out his cheeks. ‘I don’t know.’
‘I should have seen the signs. It stood out a mile Mason had a problem with alcohol, but I missed that because I didn’t think past how well his sharp suits would go down with Scarlett. When I found out the state he was in, I should have taken more care to protect myself.’
His voice is low. ‘You’re being very hard on yourself, Betsy.’
I shake my head. ‘Part of moving forward was me facing up to the truth. I made bad calls that night, and I had to learn from that.’ I cross the grass and pick an African marigold, then sit on the step with Fudge at my feet, crush the leaves with my nail and breath in the sharp smell. ‘For two whole years I’ve honed my instincts, and kept myself safe and I’ve grown able to trust myself again.’
As I say the words out loud, I can’t believe how far I’d come. ‘I actually felt safe enough with you to try to kiss you. Then all hell broke loose, because I like you too much.’ Even as I say it, I know it’s impossible. ‘How can I call anything at all, when my mind is blown because of how much I care about you, and I’m completely dizzy because I’m desperate to have sex with you?’
Miles pushes himself off the table and comes and sits down next to me. ‘If you stop to think about it, you’ll find you have made good calls. We’re not strangers. You’ve had three months seeing me twenty-four-seven; you already know my worst bits.’
I’m shaking my head. ‘All the bits I used to find impossible have grown on me. Beethoven symphonies, folding up dishcloths like origami, car washing every other day.’
‘The dust on that lane is a nightmare with dark paint.’
I look at the sky. ‘Okay, I’ll let you off that one.’
He relaxes again. ‘I’ve never felt anything like this either. It’s very powerful.’ He looks at me sideways and smiles. ‘I’ve never met anyone I liked as much as you before. You have integrity, you live what you believe, you are quirky and funny and full of surprises, you call me out on every single thing, and you’re unbelievably sexy. I’ve loved you since the day I walked in off the beach. I’ll do whatever I can to find a way to make this work. Do you think you might be up for that?’
I bite my lip. ‘That first week we were together was so incredible I felt like I’d been knocked over by a tidal wave. But if I think of never seeing you again, that’s impossible to imagine too.’
Miles narrows his eyes. ‘Maybe we could tone it down by limiting how much we see each other?’
I’m talking and thinking at the same time. ‘Meet for small amounts of time. Hold off on the touching. Don’t sleep together every night.’ I purse my lips. ‘Even as I say the words, I know I want all of you, all of the time.’
His smile widens. ‘Whatever makes it comfortable for you, I’m happy to try it.’ He stops. ‘You have your own space at the Net Loft. From now on you decide how little or how much we see each other.’
I smile. ‘That sounds good to me. I’d like to order one small kiss to test myself out.’
I reach across and graze his lips with mine, then go in for a whole lot more.
As I pull away I shake my head. ‘There you go, I’m spinning again. Maybe what I need is more practice, not less.’ I stop for a second. ‘Scarlett said you’re buying Boathouse Cottage, is that right?’
He gives a guilty shrug. ‘I’ve been looking for somewhere since I sold my last place, and I hoped it would help them out, but please don’t think I’m pushing you into anything with that.’ Then he shakes his head again. ‘Okay, I’ll come clean– the real reason is I was worried someone else would buy it and leave Pumpkin without his field.’
I look at him hard. ‘You’re buying it for Pumpkin?’
‘That’s it.’ He looks at me again. ‘You must have seen the way he turns his head to listen to the waves? And puts up his nose and sniffs the salt in the air? And you’re both devoted to each other.’
I get up and pull on Miles’s hand so he’s standing in front of me. ‘A man who will buy a house so my pony can keep his favourite field– there isn’t really a question mark is there?’ I laugh. ‘If you’re hoping to avoid his side eye forever, this will only take you so far. You’ll have to stay on top of your game in every area.’
He grins at me. ‘I’ll do everything I can to achieve that.’ Then he squeezes my hand. ‘I won’t let you down, Betsy B.’
I put my hands around his neck. ‘Do you think Zofia would mind if we borrowed her greenhouse?’
He laughs. ‘We can’t go near her seedlings. But I’m sure she won’t mind if we have a quiet half hour in her arbor before we head back to the shop.’
And with that promise he leads me off across the garden.