Chapter Twenty
JAKE
A fter the longest weekend of my life spent worrying and overthinking everything that happened Friday night, I headed downstairs before the girls were up, knowing Natalia would be in the kitchen. I was fully prepared for her to still be upset about Friday, but as I approached, I heard humming. I stayed in the hallway shadows a little longer than I should’ve and listened. The sound soothed me, and for a second, I imagined her humming while she rocked a baby to sleep at night.
When she walked to the refrigerator, I took a breath and stepped into the room. “Good morning.”
She peeked at me from behind the door. “Good morning.”
“You’re in a good mood.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You were humming. ”
“Oh. Yeah, I had a little Taylor Swift stuck in my head.”
One more reminder of our age difference. I had the music of the 80s and 90s on repeat in my car most days. Natalia had more in common musically with my daughters than with me.
Natalia’s phone buzzed on the counter in front of me. She turned to look at it, flipped it face down, and went back to what she was doing.
“What smells good?”
“Breakfast casserole,” she replied as she carried the cartons of milk and orange juice to the breakfast table.
I headed across the room to get some coffee, but Natalia swooped in and handed me a full travel mug.
“Thank you,” I said.
She gave me a shy smile in reply, then took the breakfast casserole out of the oven and carried it to the table.
I watched her set the dish down, scan the room for something, then head toward the counter.
“Can I help with anything?” I asked.
She pulled a long, sharp knife from the butcher block and turned to me. “Actually …”
My eyes widened, which made her chuckle, and she walked over and cut into the casserole.
“I did a lot of thinking this weekend,” she said.
I wanted to know every thought in her head, but I feared she was about to quit.
“I’d like to try again with the whole meeting people thing.”
“You would?” That was not what I thought she was going to say.
She nodded .
“I wasn’t sure after Friday, and I wouldn’t have blamed you.”
“Honestly, I wasn’t sure either.” She went to the cupboard and pulled out some plates.
“I deeply regret my behavior,” I said, “and again, I’m very sorry for the way I acted and for the things I said and did.”
“I’m sorry for speaking to you the way I did.” She glanced briefly in my direction. “That wasn’t the proper way to talk to my employer.”
“Technically, we were out as friends, not employer and employee, remember? So you were well within your rights as a friend to give me a piece of your mind.”
She twisted her lips to one side.
“And I was kind of proud of you. You didn’t hold back. That’s a good sign. You’re coming out of your shell more. Even if it was directed at me.”
She looked away, and I so wished I knew what was running through her mind.
Her phone buzzed again, and she stared at it for a few long seconds before getting the silverware.
“Why aren’t you answering your phone?” I asked.
“I put my friends in a time-out.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nope.” She arranged the silverware on the table, and I dropped the topic.
“Anyway, if you’re serious about trying again, Kate will be in town this weekend for an early Christmas with the girls over at her parents’. We could go somewhere Friday night.”
“Okay. Maybe The Sawmill this time.”
I raised my eyebrows. “I thought you didn’t want to go there. ”
She shrugged. “I don’t think I’m going to meet the man of my dreams there, but it’s just practice, right?”
“Right.” Her willingness to try again so soon was surprising. Maybe the singles party had helped after all.
The two weeks before Christmas were always extra busy at the office, trying to get all the last-minute reports printed and meetings completed before people were out of the office for the holiday. Christmas was still a week away, and I was so ready for a break.
As I drove home on Friday, I felt slightly apprehensive, knowing what the night held. After seeing Natalia with Ethan at the Christmas party, I wasn’t sure I could sit there and watch her talk to other guys all night. But for my own sanity, I had to do this and get her one step closer to finding someone.
When I got home, I cleaned up and changed into something more casual, then went to the guest house to get Natalia. It felt like a date, going to her door to pick her up. And it felt even more like a date when she opened that door. Her hair fell over her shoulders in cascades of curls, her face was made up, and her glossy pink lips looked perfectly kissable. She wore a soft pink sweater, black leggings, and knee-high black boots. I was speechless.
“Hi.” Her smile lit up her face. “Are we ready?”
“Ready,” I managed.
She grabbed a puffy raspberry-colored winter coat and her purse and locked the door behind her .
What had I gotten myself into?
The Sawmill was as loud as I remembered. A country music band played on the stage, couples were dancing, people were talking, laughing, drinking, playing pool. I hadn’t been back there in years, but it was exactly the same.
I led Natalia to a tall table with bar stools, and we took a seat.
“Do you want a drink?” I spoke up so she could hear me.
“Water with lemon.”
When I returned with our drinks, I noticed she was looking around nervously, wringing her hands together in her lap.
“Now what?” she asked.
“Let’s take our time and look around, see what we have to work with.”
“You make it sound like we’re shopping.”
I shrugged. “I guess we are. Kind of.”
I watched her scan the room while she twisted her hair around her finger.
“Tonight, we’re going to make this very low-pressure, okay? Try to introduce yourself to several people—”
“You call that low pressure?” Her eyes were wide.
“Let’s shoot for three people.”
She took a sudden breath in through her nose, and I could tell she was getting nervous.
I reached across the table and laid my hand atop her trembling one. “You’ve got this.”
“They’re going to think I’m awkward and lame and boring.”
“Nobody will think those things about you. This is what social anxiety does to you. You work things up in your mind that aren’t true. Try to focus on the conversation and not the things going on in your head.” I patted her hand, then took mine away.
“What if I have a panic attack in front of someone?”
“Go into it knowing that’s a possibility. And if it happens, it’s okay. You’ll never see any of these people again anyway.”
“How do you know? We live in a small town.”
“Well, you’ll probably never see them again.”
She smirked.
“And hey, you could always tell them that you have some issues with shyness or anxiety right up front. Maybe you’ll have that in common.”
“Or not.”
“It might help them understand you better.”
She let out a breath. “Okay. Maybe.”
“Oh, and don’t give your phone number to anyone tonight.”
“You really think someone will want my number?”
“They’d be stupid not to.”
Her cheeks pinked up, and she turned away shyly.
“But as a way to take the pressure off, keep that option off the table. Nothing will come of any of these conversations, but you’ll get some good practice.”
“Okay, I get it. Focus on the conversation. Try not to panic. Tell them I’ve got anxiety—”
“Only if you want to, if it feels right in the conversation.”
She nodded. “And don’t give out my phone number.”
“Right.”
She perused the room again.
“What about the guy at the end of the bar?” I suggested. “Blond hair, green shirt.”
“Maybe. What do I say again? ”
“Whatever comes to mind.”
“What if my mind is blank.”
“Just be yourself, like you are with me.”
“Easier said than done. I know you. I don’t know that dude.”
“You didn’t know me before last month either. Just pretend you know him.”
“I’m not a good actress. Never have been. My older sister was always in the school plays and stuff, and she’d put on shows at home with the rest of us kids.”
“So, you have acted a little.”
“She gave me the roles with no lines.”
I chuckled. “Well, today, you’re the star of the show.”
She groaned as she got up from her stool, smoothed her sweater, and faced the bar. “You know what, if I don’t go do this now, I’m never going to.”
“That’s the spirit.”
She took a sip of her water. “I should’ve gotten something stronger.”
“Nah. You don’t need that. Go get him, girl.”
A cute giggle escaped her. “What is wrong with you?”
I smiled and shooed her away, and she went, shaking her head in amusement.
My eyes followed her across the room, and she looked back once, maybe for support or reassurance.
I gave her a thumbs-up, but my heart was thumping loudly in my chest from how nervous I was for her.
She was wrong about not being a good actress because she strolled across that bar right to that man with what appeared to be all the confidence in the world, but I knew that’s not what she was feeling. I watched as he smiled up at her and motioned for her to take a seat, which she did .
And that’s when I started to lose my mind.
I didn’t know what they were saying to each other, but the conversation seemed to be flowing, and a while later, they got up from the bar and headed toward the dance floor together. I squeezed my fists and clenched my jaw as he held his hand out to her and pulled her closer. At least he wasn’t attempting to grope her or something. He kept one hand on her lower back, and the other held her hand like a gentleman would.
Natalia looked over at me and gave me a thumbs-up, and I wanted to cry. This was what I thought I wanted, for her to meet someone, for her to be involved with someone so she’d be off limits to me. But it was a lie. I didn’t want that at all. I wanted her for myself. I had from that moment in the grocery store.
I hated seeing her with Ethan at the Christmas party. I hated seeing her with this dude on the dance floor. I would’ve hated anyone else she was with. But I couldn’t do anything about these feelings I was having. She was the best nanny for the girls. And if it didn’t work out between us, she probably wouldn’t be able to stay on and work for me. I couldn’t let that happen.
My phone rang, and I jumped. It was Marjorie.
“Hello,” I said.
“Daddy,” a tearful Nora cried.
“Nora? What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“She’s not coming,” she said between sobs. “She said she tried to come, but now she can’t, and she said she was so sorry, but I don’t believe her. She only cares about Darryl and the new baby now. We’re never going to see her again, are we?”
“Slow down, baby.” My heart ached for her. “What did your mom say exactly? ”
She repeated pretty much the same thing through her blubbery crying, and I knew I wasn’t going to get the full story out of her.
“I love you very much, Nora. It’s going to be okay. Can you put your grandma on the phone, please?”
There was a rattling noise and then Marjorie’s voice. “Hi, Jake.”
“What’s happening, Marjie?”
“Kate called. She and Darryl can’t make it after all. Something about a job opportunity for him and her not wanting to drive over by herself and not having money to fly. I told her we’d fly her home so at least she could see the girls, but she said she can’t. All excuses.”
“The girls are pretty upset, huh?”
“They’ve been crying for an hour. I tried to calm them down and distracted Ava and Piper with some toys and games. But Nora is inconsolable.”
“I’ll come get them as soon as I can.”
“I think that would be best.”
As I was hanging up, Natalia returned to the table with a look of concern.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I noticed the guy wasn’t with her.
“Kate’s not coming. The girls are devastated.”
“Oh no. What can we do?”
“I need to go get them. But you stay, enjoy your time with the cowboy over there.” I nodded toward the guy she’d been dancing with, who was hanging back to the side of the dance floor, watching Natalia.
She grasped my hand as I stood to go. “I’m going with you.”
“You don’t have to.”
Her eyes locked with mine. “I want to. ”
I squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”
“I’ll be right back.” She walked over to the guy and said something. He nodded, and they had a few more exchanges, which I tried desperately to lip-read. Then, she returned to my side, and we headed out.
We drove in silence for several minutes. My worry about the girls’ reactions to their mother not coming was first and foremost in my mind. I wanted to reach over and hold Natalia’s hand for support. I glanced over and saw her staring out the window, chewing on her bottom lip, and I wondered what she was thinking.
“So, you did it,” I told her. “You talked to that guy.”
“Yeah. Sorry I didn’t talk to three like we planned.”
I waved her off. “Cowboy seemed interested.”
“He asked for my number.”
I clenched the steering wheel a little tighter. “See. I told you.”
“I gave it to him.”
I looked over at her in surprise. “But we agreed you wouldn’t.”
“I know. He was really sweet, and he asked, and I felt flattered, so I gave it.”
I didn’t have a response.
“Are you mad? I know I broke a rule, but—”
“No, it’s fine.” I cleared my throat. “You looked like you were having fun.”
She didn’t reply right away.
“Natalia?”
Her eyes closed and then opened as she looked at me. “Honestly, I was stressed the whole time, worrying about every word I was saying. I tried to tune out the thoughts in my head, but it’s so hard. He was talkative, which made it easier, but I wanted to yell Rudolph so many times and make a beeline for the door.”
I let out a little laugh over Rudolph. “But you still gave him your number.”
“He’s the kind of guy I could see myself getting to know better. It felt like the right thing to do.”
“I see.”
“But now I’m second-guessing if I should’ve done that. What if he calls me?”
“Then you answer.”
“What if he asks me out?”
“You go if you want to.” My stomach ached.
She shook her head. “Let’s just focus on the girls. They’re far more important than my non-existent dating life.”
I reached for her hand and squeezed. It was an impulse, but it felt right to hold onto her. It was obvious how much she cared about my girls, and that made staying away from her even more difficult.