Chapter 18
NOELLE
A low-level headache plagued me the next morning, and my swollen eyes occasionally felt like sandpaper scraping my eyeballs. I avoided all mirrors. I didn’t need to see the puffiness and wild ponytail. It wouldn’t help my already disheveled life.
Darkness continued when Lily awoke at six in the morning, ravenous, her cry echoing from her room. No sign of Cade on the couch, so I shuffled quietly around the kitchen, wondering where he’d gone. Did he head to chores early?
Or not go to bed?
Lily lightly fussed while I warmed her formula. As soon as I sank into the rocking chair and let her eat, she groped hungrily for the nipple, soothing as soon as she began to suck. I closed my eyes, tilted my head back.
My thoughts flew too quickly to worry about falling back to sleep. They skimmed over my emotional outburst with Cade last night, reminding me just how ridiculous I had been. Panicking over a squirrel, then completely melting down.
I groaned.
He’d responded with absolute perfection, because the man was perfection. What else could he have done, though? After an outburst like that, no normal human would kick me out. Did he think I fell apart to ensure he wouldn’t?
Was I a leech on society now?
With a firm, No, I reigned those spiraling thoughts under control. I absolutely wasn’t a leech. I was a single mother mourning her twin sister and her old life. That seemed entirely fair and plausible. If not still a little bit outrageous.
I didn’t need Cade. I wanted him, and the gulf between the two was massive.
If Cade kicked me out, I’d go straight to Marsha. She’d provide a place to stay, and it would be fine. Not great. Not easy. But fine. If my aunt and uncle didn’t take me—which they would—then I’d dip into savings, find an apartment, and figure out a job situation.
I had this.
Plans existed. Frameworks. Some safety.
It just didn’t feel like that at six in the morning, bathed in darkness, and unsure of where I belonged in the world.
Until I opened my eyes and saw Lily staring at me. Through the dim illumination coming from the kitchen, we made eye contact again. I smiled, and her hand waved toward me. She didn’t look for long, but enough that I recalled what Cade said days ago.
She knows you.
I gripped one of her flailing fists and softened like melting butter.
What was I thinking? Of course I knew where I belonged. Right here. With Lily. That would never change. Wherever we lived, we were in this together. Forever. Whatever I had to do to figure it out, I would.
“We’re in trouble, Lily,” I whispered, rubbing my bleary eyes with my palm.
Because what I felt for Cade after my meltdown the night before went deeper than explanation.
His instant protectiveness, the real frustration in his stare, hadn’t been conjured.
He felt it for us. Knowing it emboldened something inside of me.
Lily squawked. While I carefully moved the bottle and sat her up, she gave a delicate belch that made me laugh.
“You are the cutest baby on the planet, little girl.” My lips pressed to the side of her temple. “And you belong to me forever, no matter what Sarah Miller has to say about it.”
Hot coffee, butter biscuits, crisp bacon, and cool jam awaited the boys when they tromped inside.
Making breakfast for them had become an unstated requirement.
They came, I provided. The daily routine was a balm to my soul, and I was thrilled at the joy their dynamic brought into the house, particularly during these low-lit winter days.
While Cody and Wyatt stumbled in, Cade barked something from behind. They paused their joking, lifted their hats off their heads, and each said in turn, “Morning, Miss Noelle.”
I hid my laugh.
“Morning, boys. Gravy is almost ready. Food is on the table, so have a seat and warm up.”
They hung up their coats while Cade sent me an assessing stare. I hadn’t seen him since I went to bed, and he looked as mussed as me. Tired, but clear-minded based on his intent perusal of my face. Who could blame him? Last time he entered the house, I had a meltdown because of a squirrel.
I gave him a little smile, and he relaxed.
“I’m telling you,” Wyatt said, leaning back in his chair, “I have a chance at nationals.”
Cody scoffed.
“Don’t be a di—”
Cade whacked him on the back of the head, barked, “Lady present,” and Cody finished with a sputtering, “—phead, Cade. I was going to say diphead.”
“Sure you were.”
Cade shucked his coat, laid it in front of the fire like the other two, but made his way toward the sink. As he washed his hands, he asked, “How can I help?”
“It’s all ready, just grabbing forks.”
“Where’s Lily?”
“In her bouncer.”
“Can I hold her?”
I smiled at the sincere eagerness in the question. “Of course. She would love that.”
By the time I finished, he’d already pulled her free and cooed at her. My stomach turned over itself.
Cade settled Lily into his arms as he sat at the head of the table, keeping her safe in the crook of his arms, as he had every day.
Wyatt and Cody immediately spoke in lower voices when Lily showed up.
I set the last of the forks on the table, along with the pot of coffee, and all three of them stood.
I knew better than to protest as I sat, and they followed suit.
Cade sent a nod to Wyatt, who spoke a quick prayer, and I dished up. The moment Cade gave another nod, Wyatt and Cody dove into biscuits, gravy, and bacon. I motioned for Lily with grabby hand motions, but Cade waved me off.
“Got her. You eat, and enjoy it. I want to warm up with coffee first. Cody, pour me some?”
Cody complied, and Cade sipped it black and hot, the way he liked it.
I kept my smile schooled as I settled into my meal, listening to them arguing about Wyatt’s lack of preparation for a bull riding competition coming up in the spring.
It was lovely to sit and eat with both arms available.
After a few minutes, when I finished my meal and shoved the plate away, Cade stood up, transferred Lily to my arms.
It was so easy, this teamwork.
As if . . .
I forced the thought to trail away. No, this wasn’t our baby, just like this wasn’t real life. Transition, I reminded myself. This was just a transition until I had Lily’s paperwork in my hand and full permission to raise her how I wanted, where I wanted.
The idea of doing it without Cade, however, frightened me a little more every day.
“Cody had a good idea last night,” Cade said. He dribbled gravy over an opened biscuit, but he flicked a quick glance to me.
Wyatt gasped.
“You don’t say, hoss!”
Cody kicked him under the table, and Wyatt’s laugh turned to a groan.
“Enough,” Cade growled at both of them, then returned his stare to me. “He suggested that we fight the problem with the paternal grandparents by doing what they least expect.”
Blinking, I quickly breezed by the fact that Cade had been thinking about this—and even talked to Cody about it, which I didn’t mind—in the short hours between now and my outburst. There was a we in the phrase that caught me by surprise.
Technically, this wasn’t Cade or Cody’s problem, but they had picked it up readily, the way Cade promised last night.
I couldn’t believe it, yet it was inevitable.
“What idea is that?” I asked.
Cade gestured to Cody with his fork. Cody said, “Listen, nobody understands custody battles better than me and Wyatt.”
Wyatt nodded gravely, mouth full of biscuit. “When one parent wasn’t drunk or half dead, the other was, and I got passed between them and a few foster families until they died, and Cade finally got a hold of me.”
My heart broke.
Cody spoke before I could. “Mom and I battled Dad all the time. The best thing you can do? Make it impossible for them to speak badly about you. Show them what you’ve got.”
Understanding crept up slowly.
“You mean . . . bring them here?”
“Why not? It’s a big house, plenty of heat, lots of support.” Cody shrugged. “What’s not to love about Iron Creek Ranch? I might sleep in a room off the barn, but it’s heaven to me.”
Wyatt snorted, then forked another bite of biscuit dripping with gravy and dropped his gaze. Apparently, he didn’t agree.
Cade ignored him.
Squirrels in the walls, for one, I thought. Mountains of hoarded stuff in the basement that may or may not host tens of animals, spiders, or worse. Snow that cuts off access to resources, and no legal tie to this land.
Which didn’t consider the hazard of nails, screws, and tools strewn around once Lily became mobile. We didn’t have that fear yet, but we wouldn’t have long before it came around.
If I were still here.
The walls of my anxiety were built more from ifs than anything real. The idea of bringing Sarah Miller here made my throat tighten, while it simultaneously cast relief. Not hiding would be a boon, but . . . here? Despite how things appeared, this place had slowly come to feel safe.
Sacred.
A little bit mine . . . at least it used to be.
I must not have hid my apprehension well, because Cade said, “It’s an idea, Noelle. Just think about it. We’ll be happy to help however we can. Keep it really clean, clear out the basement and the back rooms, show them you’re not alone.”
But what stability is there? ran through my mind.
This wasn’t my house.
I was little more than a temporary fixture here. If Sarah and Thomas probed too deep, they’d see that I was here on Cade’s good graces, and what insinuations could they make next? That wouldn’t add to any credibility.
The only stability I had was this old ranch house, and the kindness of a man who was a complete stranger not long ago.
But Cade and Cody and Wyatt seemed so eager, so generous. They were trying to fix my problems. They softened my hardening heart, the anxiety layers that tried to reinforce themselves.
“Let me think about it,” I said.
Cade nodded.