Chapter 4
Leland
HE WAS EITHER a glutton for punishment or a dumbass. Probably a little of both.
That was the only possible explanation for why he’d called Paige and asked her to come over. Forced himself to witness a representation of everything he wanted so desperately right as it seemed to be slipping through his fingers.
Watching her cuddle Will and share nuggets with Rosemary was torture, and he needed a minute to get his shit back together.
And Will’s, apparently.
“I’m just giving you a hard time.” He grabbed his nephew, deciding whatever was in the kid’s pants was preferable to seeing Paige holding him.
He hadn’t been prepared for what the sight of her with a baby would do to him. He’d witnessed it countless times during the course of their friendship, but that was before. Back when he thought one day it would be their baby she was holding.
Now…
Now it was looking less and less like that might happen.
And it had his chest aching in a way that made it hard to breathe.
“If I was a better person I’d argue with you.” Paige stood from the sofa, oblivious to the pain she and his nephew were causing. “But I’m not, so knock yourself out.” She lifted her brows as she passed. “I’m going to go fight your niece for a chicken nugget.”
“Protect anything you value. She’s feral.” He was only half joking. Less than an hour ago, his niece had almost taken out one of his nuts with a jump rope she was swinging like a lasso. Or possibly a whip. It could honestly have gone either way.
“I’m pretty sure I can handle it.” Paige smirked. “She can’t be half as bad as the ranch hands I deal with every night.”
“She’s not as tall, I’ll give her that.” He trailed behind Paige, cradling his now more relaxed nephew in one arm. “And she hasn’t figured out how to use a broken bottle as a weapon.” He paused for effect before adding on, “Yet.”
Paige turned, giving him a poke in the chest. “I think you’re being a little dramatic.”
“You’d think, but she’s leveled up recently.” He joined Paige in the kitchen where Rosemary was watching cartoons on her tablet as she tried to shove two chicken nuggets into her mouth at once. “It would be impressive if it wasn’t so terrifying.”
Paige settled into a chair at the table, eyeing him and his nephew. “I thought you were going to go rectify that stinky situation?”
“I’ve been trying to put it off. Thanks for pointing that out.” He was for sure a glutton for punishment, because he was still drinking in the sight of Paige. Still digging at the sore spot making his chest ache.
And he wanted to keep jabbing it. Because he was also a dumbass.
“I guess if you want to keep letting it soak into his onesie like that, by all means.” Paige waved around a French fry. “Take your time.”
His stomach bottomed out and lurched at the same time as an odd dampness sank into the skin of his forearm. Eyes dropping to the baby in his arms, he prayed it was just pee. A little urine never killed anybody, but his nephew’s shit could peel the paint off a car.
Or embarrass the hell out of a cowboy by forcing him to make awful retching sounds while remediating the situation.
Paige now had a chicken nugget she was using to gesture. “It’s coming out the sides too.” Her head tipped, the messy bun at the top of her scalp bobbing with the movement. “Ew. And the front.”
“It’s fine.” He managed to smile, holding his breath because the slightly sour scent of baby shit would immediately instigate a gag. “No problem.”
Spinning on the heel of one boot, Leland made a hasty exit, miraculously waiting until he was out of view to shift his hold on the baby.
Gripping Will’s squishy little body under the arms, he held the mess monster out at arm’s length, grimacing at the sight in front of him. “What did I do to deserve this?”
He toed off his boots at the entry before carrying the dangling baby through the house and up the stairs, skipping the nursery to go straight to his sister’s giant bathroom.
Because there weren’t enough baby wipes in the world to clean up this crime scene.
Using one elbow to flip on the light, he made a beeline for the tub, setting his nephew right in the middle of the white basin so he could just hose the whole kid down. It was a flawless plan. One he would have patted himself on the back for coming up with, except for one glaring problem.
Will couldn’t sit up on his own yet.
“You’ve really got me in a bind here, buddy. Leland used one hand to keep his nephew upright while attempting to separate the snaps at the crotch of the probably ruined onesie.
It wasn’t as easy of a task as he’d hoped.
The soft fabric was stretchy, making it easy to wrestle onto a wiggly body, but difficult to achieve enough tension to force the metal fastenings apart.
No matter how hard he pulled and tugged, his efforts only succeeded in stretching the already violated garment. “Who in the hell designed this thing?”
“I was just gonna stand here and watch for a few minutes, but I already feel bad.” Paige was leaned against the open doorway, arms crossed over her chest, a teasing smile curving her lips.
“You’re laughing now, but this isn’t as easy as it looks.” He continued fighting the snaps. “Shouldn’t this be Velcro or something?”
“If it was Velcro, babies would rip them off all the time.” Paige left her post at the door, coming to his side and lowering to her knees next to him.
“Plus, the edges of Velcro are pretty abrasive, so would probably irritate their skin.” She reached between Will’s chunky thighs and quickly separated the series of snaps.
“You don’t have to show off.” Leland shifted his nephew around while Paige worked the desecrated onesie free. “I would have managed it eventually.”
Paige glanced at him, offering a small smile. “I know you would have. There’s not much in this world that gets the best of you.”
The complement pulled his attention to her face, fixing it on the unbearably familiar lines.
He and Paige talked every day. Had for years.
They saw each other multiple times a week.
When something good happened, she was his first phone call, and he was hers.
But most of their interactions were lighthearted and teasing.
Easy and relaxed. Any praise one gave the other was filled with sarcasm and amusement.
This one wasn’t. This one was serious and sincere. And it dug into his hide. Made him wish more between them could be serious. Unfortunately, bridging the gap between the two was more difficult than he’d expected.
And more terrifying.
“I try to do the best I can.” He attempted to brush her words off. Tried to smooth the rough edges of his feelings for her before they cut him any deeper.
“I know you do.” Paige freed one of Will’s arms, managing to dodge it as the baby flailed. “You’ve been that way ever since your parents almost lost their ranch.”
That was a rough time. One of the hardest he’d ever been through.
The fear of what might happen was unbearable.
The only way he knew how to handle it was to dig in and do everything he could to make sure his family kept what they’d worked so hard to build.
It was a lesson that had stuck with him ever since.
Hard work might not always save you, but it could sure as hell come close.
Unless, of course, the hole you’re in is one you dug over decades of being in love with your best friend. There didn’t seem to be any amount of hard work that would get him out of that one.
Paige finished stripping the ruined onesie off Will and held it up. “You think this is salvageable?”
“I think we’re not going to find out.” Leland tipped his head at the trash can. “Chuck it. I’ll buy him a new one.”
“I’ve spent all day doing laundry, so I’m not going to argue.” Paige straightened, tossing the stained outfit into the can before coming back. “You want to man the faucet or the mess?”
“Since I’m already elbows deep in the mess, I’ll stick with it.” He lifted Will up to make sure none of the water would touch him until Paige had the temperature right. “We should probably hurry, though. If we’re gone for too long, Rosemary will start dismantling the house out from underneath us.”
Paige pulled the sprayer portion of the faucet loose and twisted on the knobs.
“Rosemary’s drawing pictures on my tablet, so we should have at least fifteen minutes before demolition starts.
” After fiddling with the temperature, Paige held one hand under the tap, expression assessing.
“I think we’re good.” She turned to him, cringing a little. “Ready?”
“As ready as I’m going to get.” Leland moved Will closer, letting his chubby body dangle in front of Paige as they worked together to strip off the diaper partially containing the explosion. As it fell away, they both made similar gagging sounds.
Paige tested the water one more time before lifting the spray to start washing away the mustard-tinted mess. “How is it all the way inside his belly button?”
“Based on what I’ve seen him accomplish, you’re lucky it’s not in your belly button too.” He was so focused on the task, his brain didn’t have time to censor his thoughts before they jumped through his lips. “Then I’d have to strip you down next.”
The room went silent outside of the sound of running water and baby babble. Even then, it took him a couple heartbeats to figure out why.
And if he could have kicked himself, he would have.
The urge to try to explain away what he said—to smooth it over and turn it into some sort of a joke—was strong.
It’s what he normally would have done. But between the disappointment of her birthday and being stabbed in the nuts a million times by his niece tonight, he just didn’t have it in him to pretend.
Paige stayed quiet for a minute, brows pinched together as she continued cleaning his nephew. Finally, she peeked his way. “It’s definitely good that didn’t happen. I’m not sure we have enough time to deal with all it would entail before Rosemary starts Rosemary-ing all over the place.”
He wanted to feel relieved. Happy that Paige wasn’t bothered by his comment. Instead he was aggravated.
Pissed at himself for not having the balls to just say everything he wanted to say.
Pissed at her for not bringing their agreement up herself.
Pissed at himself again for making the damn agreement in the first place. For putting a time limit on the thing he wanted most. A sell-by date whose expiration changed everything.
Maybe for the worse.
Because now—even though he didn’t want it to be that way—things were weird between them. Different. And it fucking sucked almost as much as her forgetting what Friday was supposed to mark.
“Turn him so I can get his back.” Paige’s tone was gentle but distracted. Like he wasn’t the only one with spiraling thoughts.
After a few more minutes, she turned off the water and stood up. “I think he’s all cleaned up and poop free.” She went to the linen closet and pulled out a towel. “I’ll go check on Rosemary while you get him reassembled.” She wrapped the fluffy terrycloth around Will and then silently left.
Yeah. Shit was definitely weird between them. And he had no idea how to fix it. No idea if he even could.
Every second he spent with Paige only made it clearer his brain and heart hadn’t gotten the memo that this was it. They wouldn’t be married. Wouldn’t have kids. She wouldn’t be his.
Not the way he wanted her.
With a sigh, he tucked the edges of the towels around Will, standing up to take him to the nursery. After laying the baby onto the changing table, he pulled a fresh diaper from the shelf beneath it and taped it into place.
“I don’t know what in the hell I’m doing, buddy.
” Keeping one hand on Will’s belly so he wouldn’t roll away, Leland crouched down to pull out a set of footed pajamas.
His nephew watched with big dark eyes as he went to work strapping him into it.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Being careful not to pinch any chub, he zipped the front. “There’s nothing I can do.”
Will’s baby face looked skeptical.
“I can’t tell her.” He shook his head to reiterate the statement. “What if she doesn’t want the same thing? Then I’m fucked.” He picked Will up and propped his freshly cleaned nephew on one hip.
The baby continued staring at him.
“Yeah. I know.” Raking one hand through his hair, Leland admitted the full truth. “I might be fucked anyway. Because I don’t know that I can be around her, loving her the way I do.”