Chapter Nine
The morning after he’d almost kissed Evie, Hayden stepped onto the porch with a mug of steaming coffee. The sun wasn’t yet up, and the cool morning air was bracing enough to clear his head before he’d taken more than a sip of black coffee.
I need this.
A clear head. A renewed sense of purpose and boundaries.
Hayden leaned on the railing, staring out at the shadowy ranch as steam curled up from his cup. He’d been right not to kiss Evie last night. Right to put distance where his instincts were to have none. Wanting to kiss a woman had never been the problem.
Trusting anyone with his heart was.
When his mother left, he’d been fourteen.
Old enough to understand what it meant when someone packed a bag and didn’t look back.
The memory still came uninvited—Mom’s stiff back as she walked out, the car door clicking shut before she drove off, the hurt ripping through him like a rope burn, raw and stinging.
Losing Dad so soon after that and learning Mom refused to take them in had only made the pain of her leaving that much worse.
Lesson learned. Just because someone was supposed to stay didn’t mean they had to.
Hayden took a slow sip of coffee, catching sight of the stacks of boxes on the other end of the porch.
Gran and Grandpa had done their best with the five Bennett boys. They’d been the only parents Hayden had known for the next fourteen years. It hadn’t been all roses and rainbows. But it had been good. At least, until Grandpa’s mood had turned sour.
Could Evie be right? Could that tumor in Grandpa’s noggin have been behind his change in personality? Or had the ranch been in financial trouble back then and those concerns had wiped Grandpa’s normally patient persona out of existence?
He didn’t have any answers. But he’d learned that people could change without warning. Best not to trust anyone but himself.
Hayden held the coffee mug beneath his nose, letting the steam combat the morning breeze and warm his nose. Letting the hardest life lesson he’d learned back into his head—Violet.
He’d never fully understood why Vi chose another man over him.
Of course, he hadn’t had the opportunity to ask her since she’d skipped town.
He’d given Vi his heart, believing her when she promised to love him forever.
When Vi bailed on him, he’d chalked it up to another life lesson: Love was dangerous.
It snuck up. It took root. And then it left you broken and standing alone, wondering how you’d misjudged someone that poorly.
Wondering if the problem lay with you and not them.
Movement at the barn doors had Hayden straightening.
Gran.
She eased inside the barn. Hayden set his mug down on the porch railing and hurried after her.
Hayden found her in the tack room, poking around inside a large trunk full of old riding gear, mismatched stirrups, extra girth straps, and the like. She wore one of Grandpa’s old blue puffy jackets. It hung over her jeans nearly to her knees.
“Gran?” Hayden kept his voice easy. “What are you doing out here so early?”
“I can’t find something.” Gran closed the trunk and moved to a large wine barrel containing ropes, lariats, and pullies. Her brown gaze was unfocused.
“We used to hide in that trunk and barrel.” Hayden moved closer, glancing inside the now stuffed barrel. Not even small Katie could hide in here. “Do you remember that?”
“I do.” Gran replaced the lid on the barrel and faced Hayden, smiling a little. “As I recall, you got stuck in that trunk.”
“Only because Rhett locked me in.” They’d bickered about that for weeks afterward. “It was a dirty deed.”
“But you forgave him,” Gran pointed out. She left the tack room.
Hayden followed. “If you tell me what you’re looking for, maybe I can help.”
She glanced up and down the barn, but her gaze was no longer clear. And after a moment, Gran sighed. “Must’ve put it somewhere else.”
“Yep,” Hayden teased softly. He hoped that if he kept asking what she was looking for, someday she’d tell him.
Gran stared at him, long and hard. “I think you’re making fun of me.”
“No, ma’am. Wouldn’t dare.” Hayden gestured toward the barn doors. “How about a cup of coffee?”
She nodded. They walked back toward the house together; her hand tucked into the crook of his arm. Birds tittered. In the distance, a cow lowed. The sun wasn’t fully up, but the ranch was revealing itself, color taking the place of shades of gray.
Halfway to the house, Gran stopped. “Hayden.” Her voice sharpened. “If you were to talk to Clyde today, what would you say?”
“Nothing.” Hayden tried to move her forward, but Gran dug in her boot heels.
“I know what he’d say to you. He’d tell you he was sorry. He’d ask for your forgiveness.”
Guilt pressed a large hand over Hayden’s heart and squeezed, making it ache. “I don’t need his apologies.”
“’Course you do. You’re buried in a whole lotta hurt you haven’t managed to shed. It’s holding you back.”
For a woman still recovering memories after a stroke, Gran was spot-on.
She stomped her boot. “I want you to march into that house and make up with your grandfather.”
“If anything needs to be said, it’s to you,” Hayden said in a stiff voice. “I’m sorry for arguing with Grandpa and giving him a heart attack. I know you blame me and—”
Gran drew a sharp intake of breath. “Is that why you left?”
He nodded. “You blaming me.”
“But…I didn’t.” Gran glanced around the ranch yard, as if looking for that always elusive something. “Oh. I said, ‘What have you done?’”
Hayden nodded once more. He’d carried those words like a verdict.
“I wasn’t talking to you,” Gran said absently.
I’m not to blame?
Hayden nearly fell over.
Evie was right.
If he wasn’t the cause of his grandfather’s heart attack, that meant…
Hayden couldn’t wrap his head around what that meant.
“I was chastising Clyde. Something was bothering him. Had been for months. He wasn’t like himself.
He…” Gran stared at Hayden as if searching for answers.
“My mother would have said he was an old codger. And maybe he was…is.” She took hold of her straw cowboy hat brim and pulled it over her ears, cracking that straw.
“Why does everything I say feel so odd? I’m tired of being fuzzy in the head. ”
“You’ll feel better soon,” Hayden tried to reassure.
Gran released her hat, blinked like she was mentally shifting gears, and then squeezed his arm. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
“Go on.” The sun shed more light on the ranch. Hayden noticed Evie sitting on a porch rocking chair, computer in her lap.
“Why haven’t you married?” Gran released Hayden, turning to stare at the barn. “I keep thinking… I don’t want you to go through life alone. A man without a soulmate misses out on so much.” She reached for his hand, grasping it tightly.
Hayden wasn’t going to tell Gran he was married.
She’d only forget again. He stared out at the ranch, the words pressing up his throat whether he wanted them to or not.
“I can’t do love. I don’t trust it. People leave.
They turn on you. And the ones who don’t…
get hurt because of choices I make. It’s safer for all concerned if I don’t put my faith in love. ”
A gasp rent the air.
Hayden turned toward the house, gaze landing on Evie in that rocking chair. Her gaze seemed fixed on her laptop, her expression carefully blank.
Hayden felt the urge to apologize. But facts were facts. Attraction and friendship were all he’d allow himself where his wife was concerned. Best Evie knew that sooner rather than later.
*
Eve went about her duties at Oak Hill that morning with a heavy heart.
Hayden is scared to love.
“That’s too serious a face for a newlywed.” Buddy Johnson was a permanent resident with mobility issues. His fluff of short white hair was as soft as the former newspaper editor’s temperament. “Don’t tell me you have regrets already?”
Too many to count.
Eve donned a smile, handing the old man his morning pills in a paper cup and another cup full of water.
“I love my husband.” But now she knew Hayden would never let himself love her.
She’d been a fool to think she could treat this marriage like the fulfillment of a daydream, that she could somehow win Hayden’s heart.
“But…” Buddy prompted, having taken his pills all in one go. “I feel as if I’m only getting half the story.”
“Nothing to see here,” Eve singsonged. “Just a happy-ever-after.” A temporary happy-ever-after.
“None of which was ever achieved without a goodly amount of effort.” Buddy used a remote to operate his fancy lift chair, putting it in recline mode. “Do you see my blanket anywhere?”
It was on the bed. Eve retrieved it and draped it over Buddy. “Can I get you anything else?”
“Just your promise that you’ll weather any marital storm that comes your way.” Buddy chuckled. “In addition to once being a beat reporter, I have experience answering the love advice column.”
“I’ll be sure to track you down if I ever need couple counseling.” For now, Eve needed advice about how to fall out of love with someone.
After Eve’s shift was over, she went to the Sagebrush Café to meet Ted Hale, a student in one of her online classes who lived in nearby Marietta. He’d been a ranch hand until he turned thirty. Now, he was following a career track much like Eve was. He worked the night shift at Oak Hill.
Eve had chosen the Sagebrush Café because it offered bottomless cups of coffee and the best cinnamon buns in the county. She entered the diner and glanced around, not seeing Ted. She did see Mom and Vi sitting in a corner booth.
They waved her over.
“What are you two doing here?” Eve slung her book-laden tote to the bench seat before perching on the end.
“I knew you were coming here to study, and I wanted to see you.” Mom’s smile tried to sell that story, but Eve wasn’t buying it.
Eve smirked. “You didn’t believe my texts that said I was okay?”