Dubrovnik #2
She put her hand on her arm. “What’s happened?”
“It’s Zac. Well, Zac and Tomi. A few weeks ago Zac found him doing lines at a party.”
“Cocaine? No!”
“Yes. And you know what he said to him? That everyone does it, so it’s not a problem. And when Zac tried to argue he told him to fuck off and leave him alone.”
“So they’ve split up?”
Meri shook her head. “I wish they had. But Zac’s crazy about the guy.
He’s been saying for months he’s the real deal, and they’ve been so happy together up until now.
Well, after the party Tomi apologised and everything seemed OK, so Zac didn’t mention it to me.
Except now he’s found out it’s a regular thing and it seems he’s been hiding it from Zac for quite a while.
He turned up at home at seven this morning, absolutely distraught. ”
“So what’s he going to do?”
“That’s the hard part. The hardest part for me, that is. He wants to stay. To try to convince Tomi this isn’t OK and he needs to stop. But what if he won’t listen?” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “What if Tomi kicks off and gets violent? Or talks Zac into doing a line and he gets hooked too?”
“Oh, Meri. I don’t know what to say.” And she didn’t. She really didn’t. This was so outside any of her experience, but it ripped her apart to see her friend like this. “If there’s anything, anything at all I can do…”
“I know, Ana. I know you’re here for me, and it’s such a relief because there’s no one else I can share this with.
I’m just so frigging glad we decided to meet in this place.
If we’d gone to the jazz café there’d most likely be someone there we know, or someone who knows Zac and Tomi, and I need to keep this under wraps.
God, it’s such a mess.” She tried to smile.
“I’m such a mess. But here you are – my Ana, my rock.
Calm as anything. Thank god for wonderful you. ”
Ana squeezed Meri’s warm arm. “You talk, I’ll listen. Maybe we can even work something out.” She waved at the waiter. “But first, wine. And let’s order some food.”
“I’m not sure I can eat.” Meri gave a little shrug.
“But you’re going to. OK?” Ana glanced at the menu. “We’ll share a capra pizza, yes? With extra artichokes and a large side salad.”
Meri sat back. “Since when did you get so bossy?”
Ana considered. It wasn’t like her, that was for sure. Yet taking charge felt like the right thing to do under the circumstances. She wanted to take the weight off Meri by becoming the one who made the decisions, even if they were only simple ones.
“Because right now, bossy is what you need me to be. How are you going to be there for Zac if you aren’t looking after yourself?”
Meri fiddled with her fork, finally looking up. “You’re right, I know.”
“Well, that’s my role in all this. I know nothing about drugs, I know nothing about children, but I can and will be your self-care conscience.
I can nag you from anywhere in Dalmatia, you know.
” Her voice softened. “And listen to you. And prop you up. I’m here for you, draga, come hell or high water. You know that.”
For the first time Meri smiled. Sort of. “And aren’t I the lucky one to have you as my friend.”
* * *
Coming out of the supermarket on Gru? harbour some hours later, Ana swung the bag containing her purchases in her hand. At least something had gone frigging well right today. Finally. She tried to be thankful for small mercies. Right at this moment, it felt highly unlikely she’d see any big ones.
Poor, poor Meri. Ana’s heart was physically aching for her.
Zac was her everything, her beginning and end.
Walking down the hill to the port, Ana had found herself thinking about that bond a lot.
At first it had seemed like a depth of feeling she could barely begin to comprehend, but then she’d thought about her own parents.
How much they loved her – and she them. Which had been no bloody use at all because it had flung her back into that whole wretched circle of not wanting to let them down.
They only had her. Didn’t she have to give them grandchildren, to carry on the family business and name?
Natali was waiting at the bottom of the ferry gangplank, a skinny blonde figure in a swirl of holidaymakers carrying backpacks and suitcases.
Her shoulders were hunched, and Obi sat almost on top of her feet, leaning into her shins.
The dog jumped up when she saw Ana, and let out a single bark, her tail wagging frantically, while Natali tried to smile.
“Come on,” said Ana, leading her onto the boat. “We’ll sit in the café. It’ll be quieter and cooler in there.”
Most of the passengers were tourists who would doubtless stay outside, but the view held no new pleasures for Ana, certainly not today.
She chose a table near the ancient air-conditioning unit and while Natali settled Obi underneath it, went to the counter for two colas.
On impulse she added a couple of bars of chocolate.
Lord knows, they could both do with a treat.
“How was your mum?” Ana asked as she sat down.
Natali screwed up her face. “Not g-good. In bed, crying. But that is normal after a break-up.”
“Has she had a lot of relationships?”
“Loads. I think she f-falls in love easily. She is happy for a while, but then she pays.”
Ana nodded. She couldn’t imagine growing up in such a household, and that was probably why Natali and her mother weren’t close.
With all these men in and out of her life, she probably hadn’t had a lot of time for her daughter.
It was a completely different shade of motherhood to add to the confusing kaleidoscope in her head.
Natali broke off a piece of her chocolate. “I t-tried to help her feel better. Made her coffee, brushed her hair. Went out to the shops so she has something in the fridge, even though she says she isn’t h-hungry.” For the first time she smiled. “I was hungry though. This is great.”
“Shall I get you something more if you haven’t eaten? A cake, a sandwich?”
“No. This is good. Really good. Lots of sugar.” Natali looked down at the table again. “The thing is, Ana, she wants me to g-go home. She can’t pay the rent without me, so she’ll lose her apartment. Sometimes when she’s like this, she even loses her job because she’s so unreliable.”
Had she heard right? If she had then the library project was well and truly crumbling around her. God, imagine having to tell Ivana they needed a new crew member… But no, this was about Natali first and foremost.
“And do you want to go?” she asked her gently.
“No, no. I love my job. I want to stay with you and Lloyd.”
It was all she could do not to sigh as relief rushed through her. “Well that’s all right then.”
Natali looked down at the table, and began to tear the chocolate wrapper into tiny, neat shreds.
“Oh. So it’s not all right.”
“It’s d-difficult. If I went, and if she goes back to work, we could manage, as long as I get a job cleaning or pot-washing or something. And Obi and I … we’d have somewhere to live, maybe even until January or February.”
“Why until then?”
“These things … it’s hard to explain, but there’s a p-pattern. She will be very sad for a while, then more normal again. Putting on make-up, doing her hair, going out. Then she meets someone new. Then she starts saying it’s awkward with m-me at home.” Natali shrugged. “You know how it is.”
“No, Natali, I don’t. It sounds to me as though she’s using you.” Maybe she shouldn’t have said it, but it was the truth. God, some people! Some mothers.
“I know, I know. And I wouldn’t even be c-considering it except…”
“Except what?”
Natali couldn’t look at Ana, and her words were muffled. “She said she’d k-kill herself if I don’t go. And she hasn’t said that for years.”
Honest to god, that took the biscuit. Ana bit her tongue to stop herself blurting the words out loud.
She had no idea which was worse: that a mother would put that kind of pressure on her daughter, or that she’d done it before, presumably when Natali was no more than a teenager.
Oh, there were layers and layers here. She’d never imagined Natali’s upbringing had been so very awful, and it was something of a miracle she’d turned out as well as she had.
But what could Ana say? What could she do? Every fibre of her being wanted to help Natali, to take charge of the situation as she’d instinctively done with Meri, but this felt entirely different, and without Lloyd’s wisdom and experience to guide her, she barely knew where to begin.
“Tell me about the last time she threatened to do this.”
Natali shrugged. “Oh, like I said, it was ages ago. It used to be every time she had a b-break-up, and when I was little it terrified me that she’d do it and I’d be left on my own.”
“I bet it did. It would terrify any child and frankly it’s cruel. Did you talk to anyone about it?”
Natali nodded. “One of my aunties. They’re just my mum’s friends, not relations, but Auntie Stela has always been extra good to me. So I told her, because I didn’t know what to do. Mama was furious.”
“And are she and your mother still friends?”
“Oh, yes.” Natali paused. “You think I should talk to her?”
“I think she’d have an angle. I mean, for what it’s worth, your mother’s threatened suicide before and hasn’t done it, which means it’s probably no more than a cry for help. But I don’t know your mother.”
“Thanks, Ana. I’ll talk to Auntie Stela. That’s a great idea.” She screwed the shredded chocolate wrapper into a ball in her fist. “I’m so s-sorry. I haven’t even asked about your meeting with Ivana.”
Ana put on what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’ll tell you and Lloyd about it over supper. Now, look what I managed to find in the supermarket…”