Ston
Ana held her mug in both hands, then sipped her coffee, bitter and strong.
Oh, this was bliss, absolute bliss. Obi was curled up on the banquette next to her, having settled quite readily once she understood Natali was leaving without her.
A cooling breeze drifted across the deck.
Best of all, Meri was sitting at the end of the table, tearing at her breakfast croissant with her long fingers.
“So what’s with you and Pajo?” her friend asked. “He turned up to the party late, then didn’t come near you.”
Ana shrugged. “Probably my fault. I cancelled dinner with him last weekend. He didn’t even reply to my message.”
“What a child!” Meri rolled her eyes.
“Well, there was a little bit more to it than that, but I haven’t wanted to bother you with it, what with everything going on with Zac.”
“Stupid girl,” Meri said, but softly. “I’ve always got bandwidth for you, whatever else is happening in my life.”
“Yes, but it didn’t seem fair to burden you.”
“Ana, cut that out. How can I burden you, as you put it, if you won’t bend my ear when you need to? We’re better than that.”
“I know we are. But I could see you were struggling, so…”
“You decided to struggle as well, all the while propping me up with your messages and calls. For which I am mightily grateful, by the way. I don’t think I’d have got through these last few weeks without you, and I’m still completely exhausted by it all.
But now Tomi’s parents have offered to pay for rehab I’m hoping he can turn a corner, and I’m very proud of Zac for standing by him. ”
Ana found it hard to envisage what could ever make Meri not proud of her son, but all the same she murmured, “And so you should be.”
“That’s as maybe, Ana Me?trovi?, but actually we were talking about you. And Pajo. What’s the deal? Even since you split you’ve always been such good mates.”
“The split is the problem. Or rather, what we promised each other at the time. Except I seem to have made that problem go away. Which is a good thing.” She frowned. “I just don’t like the bad feeling.”
“You never do, that’s your problem. But go on, spit it out.”
“OK, in a nutshell. When we broke up, we agreed that if we were both single in five years we’d get back together and start a family.”
“A family? You’ve never even mentioned wanting kids in all the years I’ve known you.”
“Haven’t I?” Ana tried to sound vague, even though she was pretty sure it was true.
“Well, anyway, that time is up. At first I couldn’t even be certain Pajo remembered, but then he kept messaging me that he’d bought an apartment in Dubrovnik and he wanted me to see it.
And the hints got bigger and bigger, and I kept making excuses, although I knew I couldn’t put it off indefinitely…
Anyway, I agreed to go last weekend, but then Lloyd needed my support so I bailed. ”
“So, Pajo behaving like a sulky toddler notwithstanding, do I sense there’s more than you just wanting to play nice behind this?” Meri’s lips were set in a firm line.
“I didn’t want him to call me out on our promise.”
“You could have just said no.”
“Except … I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to.”
“You still love him?” Meri’s eyebrows shot into her purple-streaked fringe.
“No, of course not.”
“Then I don’t understand. Well, to an extent I do. I know you, Ana, and I know you bend over backwards to make other people happy, but to marry someone you don’t love? Are you out of your mind?”
In one furious sentence, Meri had distilled all Ana’s rambling thoughts over half the summer into one crystal-clear point. But there was still something she needed to know in order to understand.
“It seemed to me that Pajo was my best chance of having children.”
Meri’s hand covered hers. “And you want them?”
“That was the problem. I didn’t know. I think I was more scared of closing the option down than anything, but the more I thought about it, the more doubts I had.
I looked at Natali’s miserable childhood as an unwanted kid, and then I talked to Lloyd, and he said every child has the right to be properly welcomed into the world and loved… ”
“Did I hear my name?” Lloyd appeared in the galley behind Meri, who swivelled to glare at him. He stepped back. “Oh, bad timing. OK. If I can just make a cuppa, I’ll leave you to it.”
“No, you don’t have to go.”
“Ana, are you just saying that?” asked Meri sharply. “Are you people-pleasing again?”
Ouch. That hurt. Meri had never used those awful words before. “I don’t people-please,” she retorted. “I’m my own woman.”
“That’s as may be,” said Meri, “but you’re a double-sided coin, if ever I’ve known one. Lloyd?”
“I think everyone is multi-faceted.”
Meri tossed her head. “Very diplomatic. But what I mean is this: Ana is certainly an independent woman who values her freedom, and I love her for it. She’s never happier than when she’s on this bloody boat.
However, I also have a hunch that what was behind this ridiculous notion of settling down with Pajo was other people’s expectations.
Your parents in particular.” She fixed Ana with a hard stare. “Am I right?”
Ana could do nothing but nod. She’d wanted this conversation with Meri, but never in a million years had she expected her friend’s reaction to be so harsh. The trouble was, she was undoubtedly speaking the truth and although Ana knew it, it made her squirm like a two-year-old inside.
“I suppose it was a car crash waiting to happen,” Meri continued. “Your parents instilling that sense of duty and loyalty into you on the one hand, and your dida showing you freedom with the other. Then giving you the means to achieve it. I think he was the one who knew you better, my love.”
Lloyd joined them at the table. “Ana’s parents know her too. And they’re proud of her and what she’s doing.”
The last thing Ana needed right now was a platitude, and she expected better from Lloyd, so she told him so.
He held up his hands in surrender. “It isn’t.
It really isn’t. Last night Pajo was bad-mouthing you to his mates and your father waded in all guns blazing.
He was magnificent.” Lloyd smiled. “Now let me see if I can remember some of the things he said … that you’re a pioneer, a role model, an independent woman who achieves so much…
And of course he said he’s very proud of you.
And that you’re happier now than you ever were with Pajo. ”
Ana folded her arms. “It’s one thing defending me in front of—”
“Ana. No.” Meri’s voice was sharp. “Listen to what the man’s telling you. Believe what Antun said. And believe me when I say that, as parents, all your folks will ever want is for you to be happy.”
A pioneer. Independent. Ana closed her eyes. If only, if only, Lloyd was right and her father really meant those words. But something didn’t ring true.
“Then what about their massive hints about me going into the family business?” she asked.
“Well I don’t know about that,” said Meri. “You’ll have to talk to them. And I suggest you do it soon. Today, even.”
Lloyd sounded thoughtful. “Maybe they just want you to know that if you need it, the option’s there. A sort of safety net now you’ve given up chartering, so your financial future isn’t so uncertain.”
“No. It isn’t like that. When Dida was ill I needed to come home, so I started to work for them, said I’d give it a go, and they were so happy.
But as his health deteriorated I spent more time with him and less in the office, and then of course he left me the money and I bailed completely.
Without so much as a thank you or a second thought.
Except during Covid when they propped me up again. I really do owe them.”
“From what Antun was saying last night, I don’t think they see it like that at all,” said Lloyd. “Are you sure you’re not tying yourself in knots trying to meet an expectation that isn’t really there?”
“Exactly.” Meri thumped the table, sending croissant crumbs jumping. “Anyway, Ana needs to do what’s best for herself, not anyone else. Now get in that jeep of yours and head over there.”
Slowly Ana shook her head. “Which would just be pleasing you. I need time to process this, then time to have that important conversation with Mama and Tata when we won’t be rushed. Today we need to be away by noon so we’re on Kolo?ep by the time Natali’s ferry gets in.”
Meri took her hand. “But you’ll do it next weekend? Promise me, Ana. I reckon once you’ve really found out where they stand, a few more things will fall into place.”
Ana wound her fingers through Meri’s. “There’s one thing I will be telling them, one thing I have decided: motherhood isn’t for me.” She shrugged. “It must be right, because I made up my mind almost two weeks ago, and don’t feel remotely frightened or sad saying it out loud, just relieved.”
“Well done you.” Meri leant across and kissed Ana on the cheek. “That’s a massive step.”
“Probably the biggest decision,” said Lloyd. “Start as you mean to go on, Ana.” He stood and stretched. “Right. I need a proper breakfast so I’m going to cook some eggs. Anyone else hungry?”
As Lloyd disappeared into the galley, it would have been the perfect moment to mention Ra?, but somehow Ana wanted to hug the secret of him to herself a little longer.
She wanted that dinner date, but beyond that, it was hard to see…
If he just wanted friendship, well, that wasn’t enough for her, despite what she’d told him.
Being tied into a traditional relationship wasn’t for her either.
Nor for Ra?. So there was, at least, common ground.
She just had to find a middle way that would work for them both, because with every message they exchanged, that ‘both’ became increasingly real.