Chapter 5 #2
“Liz and I were screwing around for months before Gage found out.” He dropped his head, letting out a breath.
“I drank constantly, did drugs at parties. I was a mess, but my dad refused to see it. He treated Gage like shit, but me…he put me on a pedestal. I was gonna be the college football star, maybe even go all the way to the NFL. As long as I kept my grades up enough to play, kept showing up at practices and performing well, he turned a blind eye to the rest.”
“Why are you telling me this? What does your past have to do with the three of us now?”
“I wanted you to hear about it from me, not him. I’m far from perfect, so the next time you say you don’t deserve me, I’m gonna lose it, Kayla.”
I fiddled with the deep blue linen housing my set of flatware and wondered why even a freaking napkin made me think of Gage’s eyes. “Thanks for telling me, but the past is just that. It was a long time ago.”
“To Gage, it’s not.” He leaned forward. “I won’t sugarcoat this, Kayla. What happened that night was my fault, and he has every right to hate me. I’m the reason Liz is dead.”
“Why do I feel a ‘but’ coming on?”
“But that doesn’t give him the right to hurt you to get back at me.
” He reached across the table and enfolded my hand in his.
“My dad abused him growing up.” He swallowed hard.
“I’m pretty sure he abused my mom too, but I was younger than Gage, and she protected me from it the best she could.
Gage wasn’t so lucky. When Liz died…I think it sent him over the edge.
He’s never been the same since, so don’t kid yourself into believing you can change him. ”
“You changed,” I pointed out.
He dragged a hand through his short brown hair. “How deep are you with him?” His question rattled me. Terrified me.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Bullshit. We’re being honest here, remember? How deep?”
I locked my gaze on his. “When he comes around, I can’t breathe, can’t think, and for the life of me”—my voice splintered, and I looked away, unable to face him—“I can’t say no to him. I don’t want to say no to him.”
“So it’s sex then?”
“That’s what I keep telling myself,” I muttered.
“Jesus, Kayla. He’s not gonna be your fairytale ending. He’s gonna rip your heart out.”
And I was going to rip out Ian’s.
The certainty of it came on so suddenly that I grabbed my wine glass and downed the chardonnay in one gulp. Tense, inconsequential conversation filled the air during dinner—when we weren’t immersed in uncomfortable silence. I emptied another glass of wine as Ian took care of the check.
Afterward, we ended up at a crowded dance club a few blocks from the restaurant where the music pulsed non-stop and the drinks flowed freely, though he cut me off after my third.
“Uh-uh, you’re not getting drunk tonight.
You’re going to be in full control of yourself when I take you home.
” He palmed my ass and brought me tight against him as our bodies rocked to the rhythm.
“And you’re going to remember every second.
” His breath shuddered out against my neck, replaced an instant later by the pressure of his lips.
My blood pumped hard in my veins, and I held onto him to keep from melting to the dance floor. His erection pressed into my thigh as we moved together to the beat; he was more than ready to put action to words.
My head spun, from the alcohol, from the feel of his body against me. Heat and sexual tension smothered the air. “Can we get out of here?” Too many people closed in from all sides, and I wanted him alone. I wanted to lose myself, and I couldn’t do that here.
“Hell, yes.” He pulled me through the crowd, out the front entrance, and I sucked in fresh air until my lungs nearly burst with it. I was way too hot and it had everything to do with him.
He still got me going all right.
We covered the distance to his car in minutes, and soon we were speeding down the highway.
He inched his hand up my leg, underneath my skirt, and slipped his fingers beyond the barrier of my panties.
I parted my thighs and moaned as his touch sent tingles down my spine. He teased me the whole way home.
The car jerked into park in my driveway. He struck quickly, hauling me over the console and onto his lap. “Is this what you need? Someone burning up for you so much they can’t make it to the door?” His mouth opened on my throat, hot and wet, and descended to my cleavage. “I want you so bad.”
I leaned against the steering wheel, unmindful of the blast from the horn, and moaned as he yanked my top down over a breast. He sucked my aching nipple between his lips and grazed with his teeth.
I hissed in a breath. “We need to go inside.”
He groaned. “I know, but I’ve waited so long to touch you like this again, to taste you.” He lifted his head and gazed at me. “I still dream of that night. Still hear the breathless way you cried my name. I want to hear it again.”
I reached for the handle and pushed the door open.
“Take me inside.” I untangled from his arms and found solid ground.
He immediately drew me into his embrace as soon as he got to his feet.
One hand tangled in my hair as he coaxed my mouth open under his.
We slowly backed toward my front porch, unaware of anything but each other.
“It’s locked,” I moaned against his lips once we reached my porch.
“Give me the key.” He never let go of me as I blindly dug in my purse with one hand. His lips traced a winding path down my neck.
“If you keep doing that, I’ll never find it.” Even as the words left my mouth, I tilted my head so he’d continue.
He moved away with a sigh. “I’m not making love to you here on your doorstep, so find that key.”
I finally pulled it from my purse and inserted the key, my fingers shaking.
He picked me up, carried me inside, and the door slammed, echoing in my ears.
He braced me against it and pressed his mouth against mine.
His fingers inched under my camisole, sliding it above my breasts where his hands explored my tingling nipples.
“I love you so much,” he said, inching back to look at me. “I’ll never hurt you, never take you for granted or use you.”
I couldn’t say why, but his words brought tears to my eyes. “I’m wrong for you,” I choked out.
He removed his hands from my breasts and framed my cheeks. “No, you’re exactly right for me. You and I, we make sense. We always have.”
Gage and I didn’t make sense, so why was I suddenly consumed with thoughts of him?
Ian’s touch lit me on fire, but Gage’s turned me into an inferno.
His voice when he issued his commands, the way his eyes smoldered before he came—everything he did turned me to ash, and somehow he resurrected me every time.
The haze of passion I’d experienced at the club and in the car dissipated. “I can’t do this,” I whispered.
He leaned his forehead against mine. “Tell me why.”
“You don’t deserve this. I can’t…I can’t use you like this.”
He sighed against my mouth. “Why do you think you’re using me?”
The truth stuck in my throat, like a piece of something I hadn’t chewed all the way before swallowing. I dislodged it anyway and spoke the words I knew he didn’t want to hear. The words I didn’t want to admit to myself.
“Being with you makes me normal, and I…I’m not…normal.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “The things he does to me—”
“He’s sick, Kayla,” he interrupted, an edge to his tone. “He’s made you question who you are, and I hate him for that. There’s nothing wrong with you! He should rot in jail for what he did.”
I opened my eyes and drew in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. This was a bad idea. I think you should leave.”
“How did we go from kissing and touching”—he whispered before his lips claimed mine for a brief moment—“to arguing about him? He doesn’t matter.”
I shook my head and gently pushed against him. “He matters.”
His shoulders drooped. “You won’t let me try, will you? You’ll let him do unspeakable things to you, but you won’t let me in, not even a little.”
The defeat in his tone tore at me. “Ian, you mean so much to me.”
“But I’m not him.”
“You’re better than him. Better than me.
I can’t give you what you deserve. He…he wanted”—I gasped, trying to get the words out through the sobs rising in my throat—“to wreck you. Please,” I begged, “don’t let him.
” I wedged the door open. “Don’t come back, don’t call.
Forget about me. I want you to move on and find someone who deserves you. ”
“Kayla”—his voice broke, and the sound alone bruised my heart—“please…”
“I won’t sleep with you. That would be unforgivable of me. Go.” I opened the door wider.
His hands fisted at his sides. “If I walk through that door, I’m not coming back.”
“I…I know.”
The next few moments were the longest of my life, but eventually he disappeared into the night, and I wasn’t prepared for how his exit from my life broke my heart all over again.