Chapter 15
Idreaded this day, possibly more than my approaching wedding day, because Eve was going back to preschool.
“Are you excited, baby?” I asked her.
With a nod, she picked at her breakfast.
“Nervous?” Gage used his fork to spear an untouched piece of sausage from her plate and brought it to her mouth. “Try it.” She took the bite and chewed slowly. “So what do you think?” he asked.
“Good.”
“So is preschool. You’ll make friends and learn things. Before long, you’ll be the smartest one in this house.”
She giggled. “Will not! I’m only four.” Her face grew serious. “I don’t wanna leave.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“What if the teacher isn’t as nice as Ms. Barns? What if I miss you?”
Her words impacted me like a punch to the gut. I hated the thought of her going back to school, but I had to put my selfish feelings aside. “Everyone will love you, and you’ll have so much fun you won’t have time to miss me. I promise.”
After breakfast, I got Eve ready, and we waited by the front door for the bus to pull up.
Gage watched as he loaded the dishwasher.
He demonstrated an oddly domestic affinity in the kitchen.
Rain fell outside, hitting the roof in a calming staccato beat, and drops of water squiggled down the window.
“Bus is here,” I said.
Eve gripped my hand. “Do I have to go?”
I crouched in front of her. “Remember how much fun you had in Texas?”
She nodded.
“See? You’ll do great, and I’ll be here waiting when you get back.
” I settled her Dora backpack onto her shoulders, adjusted her coat, and pulled the door open.
We jogged through the downpour. Eve forced a smile, the picture of brave as she climbed those steps.
The bus driver greeted her as I stood back, my eyes stinging as I folded my arms to ward off the chill.
I watched the bus disappear around the corner before returning indoors, and without warning, tears erupted.
Gage gathered me in his arms and just held me. The gesture was so sweet, so unlike him, that I clung to his body and soaked up every second. His embraced tightened, eliciting a sigh from my lips. If he’d hold me like this forever, maybe I’d be okay.
He inched away with a frown. “You don’t look good.”
“I don’t feel good.”
He laced his fingers with mine and tugged me toward the hall. “Take a nap. I haven’t been letting you get enough sleep.”
No, he’d been worshipping my body every night, when he wasn’t punishing me.
He stalled at the door to our room and held it open for me.
I’d just taken a step toward the bed when nausea rose so swiftly, I knew I wouldn’t make it to the bathroom in time.
I sprinted anyway, determined not to make a mess, and slammed to the tile in front of the toilet.
Chunks of sausage and eggs flew everywhere, mostly on the floor because I missed.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled after I’d purged the last bit of substance from my stomach.
“What the fuck for? Jeez, Kayla. Get up.” He pulled me to my feet and shoved a cool washcloth into my hands. “I’ll take care of the mess. Get in bed.”
I climbed between the sheets, and a buzzing began in my ears, low at first until the sound grew so loud it made me dizzy.
It wasn’t actual buzzing—not like what people sometimes experience when they suffer from vertigo.
No, this buzzing was a disturbing realization that didn’t want to form in my mind.
But it did, and it took me right back to the morning, so many years ago, when I awoke in Ian’s arms. I’d spewed chunks all over his floor then too, and later that day I’d stared at two lines while my mouth hung open, as if to catch flies.
No. Impossible. I was on birth control.
Except for Texas.
Oh God.
And we hadn’t exactly taken precautions during the seven day waiting period when I first began the birth control pills.
Oh. My. God.
“Gage?” My voice wasn’t my own. The high-pitched squeak belonged to some crazed woman who was a thread away from falling into the abyss.
“Just a second. Be right there.”
I heard water running and the opening and closing of cupboards before he entered the bedroom.
The mattress pressed low where he sat behind me, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn and look at him.
We’d never talked about kids. More kids, that was.
He was patient and kind with Eve, more so than I ever imagined, but to add more children to this insane situation… well, that would be insane.
But I was getting ahead of myself. I was sick from a bug or bad food or side effects from being on the pill.
He settled his palm on my arm. “What can I do?”
Why did he keep showing parts of himself that made me love him more? I couldn’t keep up with his personality shifts. “I think…I mean…”
“Just spit it out, Kayla.”
“I’m worried I’m…pregnant.” I peeked at him but saw no reaction on his face.
“You’re not pregnant. It’s likely a bug, or you’re upset because today is Eve’s first day back to school.”
I pushed into a sitting position. “Regardless, I’ll feel better knowing I’m not.” I raised my gaze to his, not certain what I’d find, but his expression remained unreadable. “Will you get me a test?”
He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but shook his head instead.
“Gage?”
“You’re worrying for nothing, but I’ll get you a test.”
He left the room, and I heard the jingle of keys followed by the slam of the front door.
An hour went by, followed by another. I stalked the front entrance, arms wrapped around me as I waited for Eve.
Waited for him. Eve’s bus beat him back, and I did my best to push my worries to the back of my mind as she jumped down the steps with a huge grin.
“Have a good day?”
She nodded, going on about her new teacher and friends and the new shapes she’d learned.
I opened the door, and we escaped into the house, removing our jackets and wiping rain from our faces.
Still preoccupied, I settled her at the kitchen table with a snack and returned to my post by the front door.
What was taking him so long?
Twenty minutes later, his car pulled into the driveway, and something was off about him when he stepped into the foyer. His eyes had darkened to indigo again, and I didn’t understand what it meant. It was just a test, and he was probably right.
I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t.
He pushed the bag into my hands without looking at me.
“You don’t want kids, do you?” I whispered. The idea of never having another child—I wasn’t prepared for the pang of regret the thought produced. Part of me wanted another baby someday. His baby, as nuts as it was.
“Go take the test. We’ll talk about kids another time.”
“Why?”
“Just drop it.”
That was his go-to phrase when he refused to talk about something. I clutched the bag, my fingers turning white at the knuckles. So that was it. He was against having kids. We were about to get married in less than a week, and he didn’t find it necessary to discuss this with me?
I had nothing else to say, so I made my way to our bedroom. He followed, Eve on his heels, and lingered by the door.
“Come on, Eve. Let’s give your mom some space,” he said before taking her hand and disappearing from sight.
I eyed the bathroom long after they’d left me alone, and eventually, I forced my feet in that direction. What if I was pregnant? Would it change how he felt about me? Did the idea of me pregnant with a huge belly repulse him?
I enclosed myself in the luxurious bath, unsure of why I locked the door. I doubted he’d come in. He appeared to want his space. My hands trembled as I read the instructions, and finally, I sat on the toilet and took care of business.
Now just the wait.
Time ticked away in my head, a silent countdown that only spanned one hundred and eighty seconds yet seemed like hours. I sucked in a breath; I hadn’t realized I’d been holding it for the last minute.
That little stick taunted me from the counter. Just two small steps, a tilt of my head, and I’d have my answer.
Two lines.
The floor dipped. No, that was me dipping to the cold tile, following the motion of my stomach.
But I’m on birth control…
Texas. Fucking Texas. One time and that was about…three weeks ago.
Holy shit. We were having a baby. My gaze veered to the door, and I never wanted to leave through it. Obviously, he didn’t want a baby.
Suck it up, Kayla. The sooner you tell him, the sooner we can deal with it.
He was about to be a father because abortion was out of the question.
I got to my feet, turned the knob, and pushed the door open. He sat on the bed, apparently waiting. I expected to find a hint of worry tightening his lips, stiffening his posture, but he appeared unnervingly calm.
“Where’s Eve?”
“I put a movie on for her.” He rose and took a step toward me. “Feel better now? I told you not to worry about…” Something in my expression must have penetrated his nonchalant veneer.
“I’m pregnant.”
“The hell you are!” His voice thundered through the room. “Where’s the test?” He stormed into the bathroom, and I whirled, hot on his heels. I stood by helplessly as he gaped at the evidence.
Crazy, how two pink lines could change so much.
His gaze swerved to me, dark with something resembling hatred, as if this was my fault…as if he hadn’t been there too.
“You lied to me,” he growled.
What? Shaking my head, I tried to grasp the meaning of his words. When had I ever lied to him? He coaxed the truth from me effortlessly. Lying to him was about as easy as denying him. Impossible.
“I’ve never lied to you,” I said, digging my hands into my hips. “I have no idea what you’re getting at. I understand you’re shocked, but we’re having a baby, and we need to deal with this.”
“No!” He lurched forward and slammed me against the wall. His hands pushed on my shoulders, fingers curling, squeezing, until I was shaking all over. “You are having a baby, and I have an idea who the father is.” He dropped his arms and slumped as the fight left him. “Because it isn’t me.”
“How can you…” I swallowed, as if I could force down the hurt. Grasping my chest with both hands, I wished I could keep my heart from fracturing, but I couldn’t. “How can you say that?”
“Because I can’t have children!” He shouted, his hands balling at his sides. I flattened further against the wall; prayed I could sink right through it. He took one last look at me in disgust and tore out of the bathroom.