The Darkness Consumes

Chapter 6 More therapy and pronouns

Viv slouched in the stupid chair across from Dr. Jacobs, arms crossed, legs stretched way out like he was trying to take up as much space as humanly possible.

The office smelled like stale coffee and old paper, and the window behind the desk was cracked open, like the doctor thought a little breeze might magically fix everything wrong with the young adults in here.

Viv stared at the floor tiles. They were off-white and scuffed, like everything else in this place.

Dr. Jacobs cleared his throat softly. He always did everything softly, like even his bones were too old for loud sounds. "Viviano," he started.

"Viv," Viv corrected flatly.

"Yes, Viv," the man said with a nod, pen tapping lightly against his clipboard. "I was wondering if you'd like to talk today."

Viv shrugged. It was easier than saying no. He'd been doing that a lot. Shrugging, nodding, looking out the window like he was in a sad music video. Anything to avoid this. The doctor waited a moment, like maybe Viv was still forming a sentence. He wasn't. Not even close.

"You've been here for eight days now," Dr. Jacobs said, voice patient like always. "You've been attending sessions, eating with the others, going to the groups. But you haven't said much."

"I talk," Viv muttered.

"Not about yourself."

"Maybe I've got nothing to say."

Dr. Jacobs tilted his head. "Do you believe that?"

Viv looked away. The worst part was that the guy wasn't even annoying. He wasn't one of those fake-cheerful, clipboard-waving types who tried to guilt you into talking about your feelings. He was just... old. Gentle. Kind of boring. And that made it harder to hate him, which Viv hated.

"I don't know," Viv muttered eventually.

"What don't you know?"

Viv rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, as if the answer might be hiding up there in the shitty tiles. "Anything. Everything. Why I'm here. Why I feel like this. Why I can't just get over it already."

"Can I ask you something?" Dr Jacobs asked.

"You're going to anyway."

"Have you had any visitors since you've been in here?"

Viv sighed. "Just one."

"Really? Who?" Dr. Jacobs asked in curiosity.

"My brother. Matteo."

"Right," Dr. Jacobs nodded like that was progress, even though it didn't feel like anything at all to Viv. "Well, one of the nurses heard you talking to your brother when he came. Apparently you said something like, 'Let's see if I even make it a week.' Do you remember that?"

What the fuck? Had Matteo had ratted him out to the nurses, or had a nurse actually been stood there and he just hadn't realised? God, what a shit show. All the more reason to deny his brothers visitation requests.

Viv stiffened. "No."

"I think you do."

Silence.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about that right now," Dr. Jacobs continued, calm as ever. "But I want to ask you something else. When did things start feeling this hard?"

Viv gave a bitter little laugh. "When didn't they?"

The pen paused mid-tap. "Has it felt like this for a long time?"

Viv didn't answer. He hated this part. The part where someone actually cared enough to keep asking. Because then he started thinking about the answers, and thinking about the answers made everything ache. His stomach, his chest, his head.

"Viv?" Dr. Jacobs pushed.

"Please, can we just not do this today?"

"Why not?"

"I'm tired."

"You're always tired."

"So? Does tired always have to equal broken?"

"Broken?" " Dr. Jacobs asked in surprise. "Who said anything about you being broken? You're hurting, that's all."

Viv scoffed. "Same thing."

"No. It's not."

He didn't respond. He didn't want to. All he wanted was to disappear again, crawl back into bed, pull the blanket over his head and shut it all out. The lights. The sounds. The questions. Especially the questions.

Dr. Jacobs tried again, softer now. "Can you tell me what it feels like? Even just one word. Right now. In this moment."

Viv stared at his shoes. He thought for a moment, then whispered, "Empty."

The word just kind of fell out, and he instantly regretted it.

But the doctor didn't pounce. He just nodded, like he understood.

And maybe that made it worse.

"Can we talk about your home life?" Dr. Jacobs asked gently, folding his hands over his lap and leaning forward just slightly in his chair. His voice was soft, deliberate, like he knew he was stepping into dangerous territory.

Viv's eyes narrowed a fraction. He shifted in his seat, arms still folded tight across his chest like a barrier. "What about it?"

"Do you get along with your family?"

Viv let out a dry snort and stared at a scuff mark on the floor like it was suddenly the most fascinating thing in the world. "Same as any other family, I guess."

Dr. Jacobs didn't push. He just nodded once, jotting something down with a faint scratch of his pen. "What about your mother?"

Viv's head snapped up, face twisting like he'd just been slapped. "Jesus," he hissed. "What did Matteo even say to you? Can't he keep his big mouth shut?"

The doctor looked up slowly, unfazed. "He didn't say anything to me, Viviano."

"Viv," Viv snapped, heat rising in his face. "It's Viv!"

Dr. Jacobs gave a slight nod, his voice still calm. "Sorry. My apologies."

Viv leaned back in his chair, huffing through his nose. He stared at the wall behind the doctor for a long moment before muttering, "My Ma and I are fine. We get along, okay? She's hard as nails, but she's still my family. My blood."

"And you respect her?"

"Of course I do." The answer came too fast, too sharp, like a reflex instead of a belief.

The room fell quiet for a moment. The clock on the wall ticked steadily behind them.

"Do you love her?" Dr. Jacobs asked quietly.

That question didn't get an immediate answer.

Viv's jaw clenched. He looked away again, eyes fixed somewhere far past the window, where there was only sky and the edge of the parking lot.

His foot began bouncing restlessly, and his mouth pressed into a thin line like he was physically holding something in.

When he finally did speak, his voice was lower. Strained. "Don't ask me that."

Dr. Jacobs didn't write anything down this time.

He just watched Viv carefully, gently, like he knew something important had just cracked, even just a little.

But Viv didn't say anything else. He folded back into himself like a closing book, and the silence filled the room again.

And that was all he said for the rest of the session.

The rec room buzzed quietly with end-of-day energy.

Board games sat half-abandoned on tables, a few patients shuffled around in slippers, and the TV in the corner played some muted nature documentary that nobody was watching.

The lights had been dimmed slightly, giving the space a tired, amber sort of glow that made the walls look even more beige than usual.

Viv sat curled into the far end of the couch, arms draped over the back, eyes glazed over as he stared out the window. It wasn't like there was anything interesting out there but it was better than looking at any of the other nut cases in here, and it was definitely better than thinking.

He barely noticed the soft creak of the cushion beside him until the movement registered. Someone had sat down, not too close, but close enough to shift the air between them. Viv blinked out of his daze and turned his head just slightly.

It was Ava.

She gave him a small, almost hesitant smile. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and she still wore that hoodie that looked two sizes too big for her. It had little bleach spots near the cuffs.

"Hey," she said, her voice casual but not unkind.

Viv didn't answer right away. He just stared at her, caught off guard, unsure why she'd come to sit next to him of all people. Especially after the way he snapped at her the other night.

He finally blinked and looked away, back out the window. "Hey," he mumbled under his breath.

Silence.

Viv just wanted her to leave him alone, but of course, the universe hates him so she didn't.

"So, how old are you?" Ava asked, breaking the silence with a lazy tilt of her head. She pulled her knees up on the couch and picked at a thread on her sleeve like she didn't really care about the answer, but also kind of did.

"Eighteen," Viv muttered without looking at her.

"Cool. Me too."

Her voice lifted slightly, like that tiny fact might bridge the awkwardness between them. It didn't. Another silence stretched between them, awkward and a little heavy. The kind that made Viv want to sink further into the couch cushions and disappear. He turned back toward the window, jaw tight.

"A pretty young age to be this fucked up, huh?" Ava said suddenly, with a dry laugh that didn't quite land. She tried to make it sound like a joke, but it wobbled in the middle like she was used to saying things before thinking too hard about them.

"I'm not fucked up," Viv snapped, still not meeting her eyes.

"That's what they all say," Ava replied with a grin, trying to make him laugh, but he just... stared out the window blankly.

Ava's smile faltered.

Another silence followed. Longer this time. Ava let it happen, picking more at her sleeve. Viv stayed still, shoulders tense.

"Do you like rooming with Ash?" she asked eventually, her tone carefully neutral.

"Ash?"

"Yeah."

Viv gave a small shrug, eyes narrowing a little. "What's his deal anyway?"

"What?" Ava turned to look at him, brows slightly raised.

"Like... what's with the whole 'no gender' thing?"

Ava hesitated. "What about it?"

"It's fucking weird."

Ava straightened suddenly, her expression shifting from idle to sharp in an instant. "What?!"

"Chill, I just mean... clearly he's a boy, right?" Viv said, voice picking up speed like he was trying to justify it before she jumped down his throat. "Why else would they put him in the same room as me? They wouldn't room me with a girl. That'd be like, crossing a line or something. So—"

"Are you always this much of a dick?" Ava cut in, voice like ice.

"What?" Viv blinked at her, thrown.

"God, you're awful. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It was a genuine question," he said, defensive now. His voice had gone tight and small.

Ava shook her head in disbelief, looking almost disgusted. "Ash is a really nice person. So please don't say any of this shit to their face because it could really hurt them."

"Them? You're kidding, right?" Viv asked in a monotone voice.

"What?" Ava's eyes narrowed threateningly.

The sound of the door creaked open just then. Both of them stiffened as Ash stepped into the room, their expression soft, maybe a little tired, but calm as ever.

"Oh, hey," Ava said quickly, voice shifting into something sugar-sweet and almost too casual. She plastered on a fake smile like nothing had just happened.

"Hi," Ash said, returning the smile, more subdued but still warm, like they had no idea what tension they'd just walked into.

Viv didn't say a word. He couldn't. Not now.

Ash's eyes briefly flicked over to Viv, just a glance, but it landed heavy.

Viv met it for a second, less out of willingness and more like he'd been caught looking.

Their eyes locked, and something sharp passed between them, not anger exactly, but not peace either.

Just... tension. Old and new. Viv looked away first, jaw clenching as he stared down at the floor.

The silence between them said more than either of them ever did.

They still weren't on the same page. Not even close.

Ash's voice was casual, but guarded, when he asked, "What are you doing?" His eyes stayed carefully on Ava, almost like he was physically restraining them from drifting toward Viv.

Ava shrugged one shoulder, the corner of her mouth twitching into a crooked smile. "Not much. Wanna play a board game?"

Ash shook his head slowly. "Not really."

"Wanna read?"

"Still no."

Ava leaned back into the couch cushions, dramatic and playful. "Wanna stare blankly at the wall?"

Ash cracked the smallest smile. "Thought you'd never ask."

Viv watched them, silent and unmoving. There was something about the way they clicked, the easy rhythm in their back and forth. He didn't like it, but he couldn't decide if it was jealousy or something else clawing at his chest. He stared at Ash like he could decode them if he looked long enough.

"So when's Brad coming back?" Ava asked, her tone light, teasing.

Ash sighed like he'd been expecting the question. "I swear you're obsessed with him."

"I don't see how you're not."

Ash made a face. "Ew, Ava. He's my stepbrother."

Ah... so the taller guy was Ash's stepbrother. So what the hell was Ash to him? Step-them? Step-Ash? Come on, it was laughable.

"All the more reason to get hot and bothered," she said with a devilish grin.

"That's gross," Viv muttered from the other end of the couch, unable to stop himself.

Ava's head snapped toward him. So did Ash's.

"You're gross," she snapped back, eyes narrowed.

Ash glanced between the two of them, his expression tired and a little tense. He sat quietly, shoulders subtly hunched, like he was bracing for something worse.

"Whatever," Viv muttered with a roll of his eyes, voice dripping with disdain. "At least I'm not thirsting after somebody's brother."

Ava didn't even flinch. "So what if I am?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "Have you seen him? He's a Greek god."

Viv made a face like he'd just swallowed sour milk.

There was a pause, the kind that hovered uncomfortably before Ash finally cleared his throat, clearly trying to steer the conversation back on track.

He looked over at Viv hesitantly, like he wasn't sure if he was about to get his head bitten off.

"Anyway... I was hoping me and Brad could sit in our room tomorrow during visitation. Would that be okay?"

Viv's brows shot up. "Are you kicking me out of my own room?"

"No, I..." Ash scratched at his wrist and looked away. "I just thought I could ask."

"And where the hell am I meant to go?" Viv asked, crossing his arms tightly like he was ready to argue.

"You could come to my room and hang out," Ava offered with a shrug, like it wasn't a big deal. "I don't have a roomie anymore. She got discharged."

Viv looked at her like she'd just suggested something out of a horror movie. "Spend an hour with you alone?" he shivered dramatically. "No thanks."

"Fine, don't," Ava snapped, her playful edge vanishing. "Spend time in here with the rest of the weirdos."

"You're a weirdo," Viv deadpanned, not missing a beat.

Ash, looking vaguely panicked now, raised his hands like he was physically trying to keep the peace. "Anyway," he cut in quickly, voice tight. "Is that cool?"

Viv hesitated, his mouth pulling into a thin line. "I guess," he mumbled at last, already regretting the compromise.

"Thanks," Ash said softly, eyes briefly meeting Viv's before dropping again, like he was trying not to make anything more awkward than it already was.

Ava sighed loudly and theatrically. "Whatever. I'm gonna get an early night," she said, standing up and brushing imaginary lint from her pants. "Goodnight, Ash."

Viv leaned back on the couch, arms sprawled wide like he owned the whole thing. "No goodnight for me?" he asked, tilting his head at her with a smirk.

Ava didn't even hesitate. "Die in a ditch, Viviano."

"It's Viv!" he snapped, sitting up straighter.

She was already walking off. "Whatever, girl," she tossed over her shoulder with venom-laced sweetness.

Viv's face twisted. "What the fuck?"

The door to the hallway clicked shut behind her.

"Calm down," Ash said gently, barely above a whisper, like he knew pushing too hard would only light the fuse.

Viv scoffed, still glaring at the door. "How can I stay calm when she's such a bitch?"

Ash gave him a warning look. "You shouldn't call girls bitches."

"Why not? That's exactly what she is," Viv shot back, arms crossed tightly now, like a barricade.

Ash didn't flinch. "And you're a dick. But hey, we're still here and the world's still spinning. So again, calm down."

Viv's jaw clenched, and then he hissed, "What if I called you a girl? You wouldn't fucking like it, would you?"

Ash didn't say anything.

The silence hit like a gut punch. Heavy.

Loaded. Ash's face was unreadable, but his fingers fidgeted nervously in his lap, eyes fixed on the floor.

Viv felt the shift in the air, like they'd stepped on something fragile and cracked it in half.

Ash didn't look at him, didn't respond. Just stayed still.

Quiet. And somehow, that was worse than being yelled at.

Viv slumped deeper into the couch. He stared at the dull carpet for a moment, chewing the inside of his cheek.

Maybe he was being a bit of an asshole. Okay, fine.

.. not maybe. Definitely. He knew he could be horrible sometimes, sharp-tongued and too blunt for his own good.

But still, he didn't get it. Why couldn't Ash just pick a side?

Be a boy or be a girl. What was so hard about that?

The in-between stuff made his brain itch.

It wasn't even about hate, he wasn't some raging bigot or whatever.

He just genuinely didn't understand how someone could live in that grey area and be okay with it.

It felt like trying to read a book with missing pages.

And Ash always looked so sure of it, even when he didn't say much.

Viv didn't get it. He wanted to, maybe. But it all felt too far from anything he knew.

And even now, after all that, Viv couldn't stop himself from calling Ash "him" in his head.

No matter how many times Ava or Ash or anyone else would correct him, no matter how many awkward silences stretched between them when he spoke about this topic, it just wouldn't stick.

"They" felt weird. Wrong, almost. Like he was talking about more than one person.

Like it didn't belong in a sentence the way a name or a he or a she did.

It felt fake on his tongue, like he was pretending to speak a language he didn't quite understand.

But then he'd look at Ash, really look at him, and feel that tiny, guilty pinch in his gut.

Because Ash wasn't pretending. Ash was just..

. being. And Viv didn't know how to accept that without feeling like he was getting something wrong. Every single time.

Viv's voice was back to being monotone as he asked, "Can I ask you something without you thinking I'm an awful fucking person?"

He didn't look at Ash when he said it, just kept his eyes fixed on a scuffed-up patch of floor between their shoes. His leg bounced with nervous energy, and his fingers kept tugging at the edge of his hoodie, like maybe he could unravel the awkwardness crawling up the back of his neck.

Ash glanced over at him, eyebrows lifted slightly. "Uh, sure," he said slowly, like he was bracing for impact.

Viv inhaled sharply, then blurted it out. "What made you like this?"

There was a beat of silence, thick, uncomfortable. Ash's face didn't move much, but something in his eyes flickered. He shifted in their seat, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself like he was suddenly cold.

"And by 'this,' I assume you mean what made me nonbinary?" he asked, calm but distant.

Viv squinted. "Nonbinary?"

"Yeah," Ash said, resting his chin on his knees. "That's what it's called."

Viv's brow furrowed. "What is that?"

Ash exhaled through his nose and stared at the ceiling like he needed to gather the right words.

His voice, when it came, was quiet. "It means I'm not a boy or a girl.

Not all the time, anyway. I... sometimes I might feel more masculine, some days I feel more feminine.

It's confusing, but I feel like I don't really fit in either box at all times. I never have."

Viv didn't respond right away. His mind felt heavy and slow, trying to wrap around the concept like it was written in another language. He just kept picking at the fabric of his sleeve, the silence stretching between them again.

Viv lurched forward, elbows on his knees, staring at the floor like he couldn't look at Ash directly. His voice had come out quieter than usual, not sharp or cruel, but hesitant. Almost like he was trying to meet Ash halfway and didn't know how.

Viv didn't answer right away. He just nodded slowly, still staring at the floor like he was trying to make sense of it. "So... you're not a guy. And you're not a girl."

"Nope."

"But what were you born as?"

Ash cringed. "I told you not to ask that."

"But why?" Viv asked with a frown, genuinely not understanding why it was such a big deal to ask.

"Because that's private and its basically you just asking me what i've got under my trousers, right?" Ash raised an eyebrow.

Viv flushed. "I-I mean, no. No. That's..."

"What?" Ash let out a small laugh. "Now you're embarrassed?"

"No, I'm not. It's all just... kinda wild," Viv muttered.

Ash tilted his head, but he didn't look angry. Just tired. "Yeah. It can be. But it's who I am."

Viv ran a hand through his hair, still trying to make the puzzle pieces in his brain click into place. "And there's a word for that."

"There's a word for everything," Ash said, with the ghost of a smile. "You just have to listen and understand."

"So I have to call you them?" Viv asked, his voice rough, like he'd dragged the words out against his will.

Ash chuckled softly, the sound light but not mocking. "I'd appreciate it," he said, shifting slightly on the couch so his shoulder almost brushed Viv's. "You don't have to. But it'd mean something if you did."

Viv exhaled sharply through his nose, like the air was too heavy in his lungs. His thumbs rubbed over each other. "I'll try," he muttered, and for once, there was no sarcasm in his voice. Just a quiet sincerity, raw and maybe even a little awkward.