Chapter 8 The flood
Viv didn't sleep well. Not that he ever really did in this place, but last night had been worse than usual. Too many thoughts spinning around in his head, too many ghosts of things he didn't want to deal with.
Still, by morning (day ten) he'd made the decision.
He told Dr. Julie that Matteo could come visit.
Her eyebrows had lifted just slightly, like she was surprised he'd actually agreed to something for once.
Maybe he was surprised too. Maybe he just wanted to yell at his brother again.
Maybe he missed him. Maybe he just wanted to feel something.
"Matteo?" she has asked. "You want your brother to visit?"
"Yes," he had said simply.
"Right," she nodded. Then she cleared her throat. "And what made you change your mind?"
"I don't know. I guess it's just time to see him again."
"Right," she nodded slowly, eyes flickering across his face.
He suddenly felt like she was analysing him. "What?"
"Nothing," she said quickly. "I'll make the arrangements."
"Thanks," he had mumbled.
Now he was in the rec room, sitting stiffly on one of the ugly couches, arms crossed tight across his chest, eyes trained on the entrance like it might explode. His knee bounced with nerves or annoyance. Probably both.
Ash was sitting beside him, waiting for his own visitor to arrive. He wasn't saying anything. Wasn't looking at him. He was just... there. And weirdly, Viv didn't hate it.
They hadn't talked about it, hadn't had some dramatic conversation or anything, but since last night there'd been a shift. A quiet sort of truce. No insults. No cold shoulders. Just... something like a mutual agreement: we'll stop being assholes to each other. For now.
Not friends. God, no. But maybe better roommates.
Ash was holding a book, flipping pages slowly, and Viv was kind of grateful he wasn't trying to force small talk. The room buzzed with low chatter from other patients, a few staff members hanging around pretending not to eavesdrop. The smell of overly sweet instant hot chocolate hung in the air.
Viv's eyes flicked to the clock. Any minute now.
His stomach twisted.
He wasn't sure if it was anger or nerves. Probably both.
"Who did you say you were waiting for again?" Ash asked, looking over at his roommate with a frown.
"My brother," Viv mumbled. "The one you met, remember? I told the nurses I didn't want him visiting me because he pissed me off last time, but now... Now I guess I'm ready to see him again."
"Right," Ash nodded slowly, eyes flickering across Viv's face.
The moment Matteo walked in, Viv let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.
For a second, he'd actually convinced himself his brother wouldn't come.
That he'd get cold feet or make up some excuse or forget.
But there he was, crazy hair, wide shoulders, same old scuffed boots and baseball cap, and that dumb warm smile Viv knew too well.
"Ciao," Matteo said softly, his voice cutting through the dull hum of the rec room.
"Ciao," Viv echoed, almost breathless.
Without overthinking it, Viv stood and pulled him into a hug. Matteo tensed at first, clearly caught off guard, but then wrapped his arms around Viv and held him just as tight. It was the kind of hug they hadn't shared in years. The kind Viv didn't even know he needed until right now.
"Mi dispiace molto (I am so sorry)," Viv murmured into his brother's shoulder, voice small and raw. "I swear, I am."
"Come on," Matteo said gently, rubbing a hand across Viv's back. "Don't talk like that. It's okay."
They pulled apart, both of them smiling hesitantly, like neither of them wanted to scare the moment off.
And just like that, all the anger Viv had clung to for the past ten days disappeared.
Gone. Evaporated like steam off pavement.
He didn't care anymore whose fault anything was. He was just glad his brother was here.
Matteo glanced over, his gaze shifting to the couch where Ash still sat, quiet and awkward.
"Oh, I remember you," Matteo said with a polite nod.
Viv also looked down at Ash. "Matteo, this is Ash. My roommate."
Ash looked like he wanted to shrink into the cushions.
"Yeah, we briefly talked last time," Matteo said with an easy smile.
Viv nodded and then shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. "You wanna sit here? Or walk around? Or go to my room or something?"
Matteo grinned. "I'm entirely at your mercy."
"Room then," Viv said. "I don't feel like sitting in that room full of sad puzzles and squeaky board games."
"Great!" Matteo beamed.
"Is that okay?" Viv asked Ash quickly.
"Is what okay?" Ash asked.
"If Matteo and I sit in our room?" Viv asked hesitantly.
The smaller boy nodded his head wordlessly.
"Lead the way," Matteo said, his tone light, like he was trying not to make things too serious. It worked. Viv appreciated that.
As they headed out of the rec room and turned the corner past the nurse's station, someone else came into view—tall, sharp-jawed, and confident.
Brad.
For half a second, he glanced up and his eyes locked with Viv's. Viv looked away quickly, like the eye contact had burned. Brad didn't say anything. Just kept walking. Viv didn't say anything either. Matteo didn't seem to clock it.
"Here," Viv muttered when they reached the room, pushing the door open and stepping aside to let his brother in first.
Matteo stepped in with a soft smile. "Cozy."
Viv didn't respond. He just shut the door behind them and sat heavily on his bed. He motioned vaguely to the other side of the room. "You can sit on Ash's bed. I'm sure he won't mind."
Matteo hesitated at the edge of the mattress, looking unsure. "You sure?"
Viv just shrugged, his face blank.
Matteo sat down gently, like the bed might collapse under him if he shifted wrong. He glanced around the small room, taking it all in. The two single beds, the two tiny narrow wardrobes, barely enough space to stretch your legs. His expression softened when his eyes returned to Viv.
"So," he said carefully, "how are you holding up, fratello (brother)?"
Viv pressed his lips together. "I'm okay."
Matteo tilted his head, unconvinced. "You sure?"
"I'm sure," Viv said, a little sharper this time. "Getting better. Might even get to go home soon."
Matteo raised an eyebrow. "Have they given you any medication yet?"
"No."
"Really?"
Viv's jaw tensed. "Guess they don't think I'm as fucked up as you do."
The words dropped heavy between them, and the air in the room thickened. Matteo looked stung, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at his brother.
Viv winced and dropped his eyes. "Sorry," he mumbled. "No more blame jokes. I promise."
Matteo leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "I just want what's best for you. You know that, right?"
Viv rubbed at his temple, eyes half-lidded. "Matteo, come on. Let's not do this right now. I've been stuck in here for ten days and I just wanna come home. The quicker I get this done, the quicker I can get out."
"Get what done?"
"You know, follow the rules and stuff. Stay under the radar. Act normal."
"Act?" Matteo echoed, his voice barely above a whisper.
Viv heaved a sigh. "That's not what I meant."
Matteo exhaled slowly, visibly trying to keep his cool. "Fratello, you aren't in here to just let a few days pass and then leave. You're in here to get better. To open up about your thoughts and feelings. To let it all out."
Viv scoffed and sat up, his expression hardening. "Jesus, you make me sound like I'm some depressed loser. I don't have depression, Matteo."
Silence.
Viv looked away, jaw clenched. His voice dropped to something small. "I don't wanna argue with you."
"We aren't arguing," Matteo said softly.
Viv stared down at the floor for a long beat. Then, without looking up, he said, "Can you sneak my phone in here next time?"
Matteo gave a half-smile, amused but clearly conflicted. "I can try. I still think that rule is ridiculous."
"Tell me about it."
Just then, there was a knock at the door.
It creaked open and Ash popped his head inside, green eyes darting around the room. He offered a shy, polite smile. "Sorry, Viv... I, uh, just came to get my journal."
"No, it's okay," Viv said quickly, almost too quickly.
Ash stepped into the room quietly, the soft padding of his slippers barely making a sound on the dull floor.
He moved over to the small, battered bedside table that stood between the two beds and pulled open the drawer.
His fingers brushed around for a moment before he found what he was looking for.
It was a worn, spiral-bound journal with a few stickers peeling off the front.
He clutched it to his chest. Viv hadn't even known that was in there.
Standing just outside the door, Brad lingered like a shadow. He leaned against the frame with casual ease, but his eyes were sharp and focused, scanning the room. When he caught Viv looking over, he gave a small, polite smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Viv nodded back, a little unsure.
"Hey," Viv said, rubbing the back of his neck, "tell your brother he can come in, you know. I'm not gonna bite."
Ash gave a noncommittal shrug and looked toward Brad. "It's okay, I'm just grabbing this and then we're going back to the rec room."
Viv nodded. "I didn't know you had a journal."
Ash had a faint smile on his face. "That's the point. Don't go snooping now that you know."
"I'll try not to."
"Are you allowed personal stuff in here?" Viv asked curiously.
"It's just some paper," Ash shrugged. "They didn't have a problem with it when I brought it with me."
Matteo and Viv's eyes met. "Maybe you can get me a journal like his to help me pass the time in here," he suggested.
Brad's smile dropped just slightly. So did Ash's. The blond just tucked the journal under his arm and moved to leave.
Brad stood up a little straighter by the door though, his jaw tightening as he took one slow step into the room. "They," he corrected firmly, eyes locked on Viv.
Viv blinked, caught off guard. He looked over at the step-brother and frowned. "What?"
"They," Brad repeated in a low voice.
Ash sighed. "Brad, it's oka—"
"No," Brad interrupted. "No, it's not okay. Ash uses they/them pronouns. I know for a fact that they've already talked to you about this. Multiple times, actually."
Viv didn't say anything for a few minutes. His mouth opened like he wanted to explain, or maybe defend himself, but the words didn't come. Ash looked anywhere but at Viv, his expression unreadable again as he took a small step back toward the hallway. Matteo just looked downright confused.
"I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," Viv mumbled quickly, his voice suddenly low and awkward. "I just... I forgot."
Brad narrowed his eyes, not moving. "Maybe try a little harder to remember next time. Don't wanna come across as a dick... right?"
The tension wrapped itself around the room like thick fog. Ash glanced at Brad, clearly uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. Matteo just sat in silence, trying to put the pieces together.
Viv stared down at his hands that were in his lap, shame and heat crawling up the back of his neck. "Sorry," he muttered, so quiet it was almost swallowed by the walls.
Ash gave a tiny nod. "It's fine," they said quickly, but it wasn't. Not really.
Brad didn't look satisfied, but he took a step back toward the door. "Let's go," he said to Ash, softer this time.
Ash turned, hesitated, then left without another word. Brad followed. Viv let out a slow breath and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes.
"What the hell just happened?" Matteo asked, finally.
Viv ran a hand through his hair. "Just me and my dumb brain."
That night, the room was steeped in stillness. The overhead lights had gone out an hour or two ago, leaving only the faint yellow glow of the hallway seeping in through the crack under the door.
Viv lay curled up on his side, facing the wall, staring at the chipped paint like it might suddenly shift into something worth watching. Across the room, Ash was in his own bed, facing the opposite way. Neither of them had said a word since visitation.
The silence between them was uncomfortable.
It was loaded, awkward and heavy with everything that hadn't been said.
Viv had spent most of the day avoiding Ash's eyes, retreating into himself, nursing the embarrassment and guilt that had settled into his chest like cement.
Not even a sarcastic comment had left his mouth.
And Ash? He'd gone quiet too, not angry, not cold. .. just distant.
Viv squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't sleep.
The noise in his head wouldn't let him. It was too loud, like static turned all the way up, screaming every mistake he'd ever made on a loop.
Every dumb thing he'd ever said in his life since he was kid.
Every person he'd hurt at school. Every time he'd tried to push people away before they could do it first. That look Brad had given him earlier, the sharpness and disappointment?
It kept playing over and over in his mind like a broken film reel.
He'd messed up. He knew that. And not in some casual, oops-my-bad kind of way.
He'd called Ash he in front of Brad, in front of Matteo, and Ash hadn't corrected him.
That made it worse somehow. Like Ash didn't even expect him to get it right.
Like he was used to people not seeing him properly.
Fuck, he was still doing it.
They.
It's 'they', Viv.
Get it right.
They, they, they, they....
THEY!
Viv rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, blinking hard.
His chest felt tight, his thoughts mean.
Ugly. He kept thinking about every time he'd been cruel or careless, not just today but in general.
Every time he'd said something that made someone flinch.
Every time he'd thought he was just being "real" or "honest" when really he was just being a dick.
His jaw clenched.
He felt like shit.
And for once, he didn't feel like blaming anyone else for it.
Viv pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes until he saw stars.
It didn't help. Nothing helped. The thoughts just kept coming, loud and brutal, like a voice in his head dedicated to pointing out everything wrong with him.
Not in a dramatic way, not like some twisted movie scene, but in a quiet, matter-of-fact way.
Clinical, even. You're selfish. You're mean.
You don't think before you speak. You hurt people without even trying.
He hated himself. Not just tonight (though tonight made it worse) but in general.
He hated how he lashed out at people and then felt sorry afterward, like the apology undid the damage.
He hated the way he pushed Matteo away for trying to help, the way he'd been cruel to Ash before even trying to understand him.
He hated how his first instinct was to snap, to sneer, to act like everything was a joke just so nobody could see how scared and small he actually felt underneath it all.
And he hated that it worked. That people bought it. That he was so good at being awful, sometimes he even convinced himself that was all he was.
Lying there in the dark, he thought about how much easier it would be if he could just turn his brain off.
Just stop being who he was for a little while.
Because who he was felt like a mess of broken parts and sharp edges, and he didn't know how to put any of it back together. He didn't even know if he wanted to.
For a second, a thought slipped into his head, quiet but clear.
What if I just didn't have to do this anymore?
Just like that. No drama. No note. No grand gesture.
Just... nothing. An put an end to the thoughts, to the noise, to the fucking pressure of always being too much and never enough at the same time.
But the thought faded just as quickly as it came.
Not because it didn't still sit there in the back of his mind, but because Viv knew, deep down, he didn't want to die.
He just didn't want to feel like this anymore.
Viv didn't even realise he was muttering to himself until the words tumbled out too loud. "Stupid, stupid, fucking idiot..." His voice barely broke above a whisper, but it cut through the silence like a crack in glass.
"You okay?"
Viv flinched.
Ash. It was his voice. It was soft and careful, like always.
Viv's heart thudded hard in his chest. He'd been so sure Ash had fallen asleep hours ago. He stayed frozen for a second, staring at the wall like it could swallow him.
"You're awake?" he muttered.
Ash shifted in his bed, the blankets rustling gently. "Kind of hard to sleep with all the self-loathing going on across the room."
Viv winced. "Sorry," he said quickly, voice sharp with embarrassment.
"It's okay," Ash said, after a moment. "Just sounded like you were having a rough time."
Viv closed his eyes. He hated this. Being seen. Being heard in one of his lowest moments.
"I didn't mean to wake you," he mumbled. "I was just... thinking."
"Loudly," Ash added, gently.
Viv let out a breath through his nose.
There was a long pause. Not awkward, not exactly. Just suspended.
"I thought you hated me now," Viv said, before he could stop himself.
"I don't," Ash said simply. "You just messed up. People do that."
Viv turned, finally, just enough to glance across the room at him. Ash was lying on his side, facing him in the faint glow from the hallway light creeping under the door.
"You're not mad?" Viv asked, voice barely audible.
Ash shook his head slowly. "I was hurt. That's different."
Viv didn't know what to say to that.
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Viv admits, his voice barely audible, hoarse like it's scraped raw from the inside.
Ash doesn't respond right away. He sits up a little in his bed, the blankets sliding down to his lap as he watches Viv across the narrow room. The pale light from the hallway casts soft shadows across Viv's face, making the exhaustion in his eyes look even deeper.
"What do you mean?" Ash says eventually, quietly. "Nothing's wrong with you."
Viv lets out a hollow, bitter laugh. He's curled up on his side, staring at the wall again, his voice muffled but sharp with self-loathing. "A lot's wrong with me. I wanna end it," Viv says, so suddenly it punches the air out of the room.
Silence falls like a dropped weight between them.
Ash doesn't move, doesn't even breathe for a moment.
Viv stares into the dark, as if he didn't just say something enormous and shattering.
He doesn't even realise what he's saying until it's already out.
And even then... he doesn't care. Not anymore.
"I just don't wanna do this anymore," he whispers.
Ash's voice is so soft it barely registers. "Do what?"
Viv's voice cracks. "Feel like this. I don't wanna feel like this forever."
"Like what?"
Silence again. Heavy, thick, pressing in from every side.
Ash waits.
"Explain it to me, Viv," he says gently, like he's afraid anything louder might make Viv shut down completely.
"I can't," Viv says, tears starting to sting the backs of his eyes. He doesn't wipe them. "I just don't understand. I... I don't know why I'm like this. Nothing's even happened to me, but I just can't stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Everything," Viv breathes. "Everything."
The silence now is softer. Sadder.
"I hate myself," he mutters, almost too quiet to hear.
"But I can't change, because it's too exhausting.
Everything is too exhausting. I'm so fucking tired, and I just wanna sleep all day because at least that way it's kinda like being dead.
But then I wake up and I'm still so tired.
Of my life. Of the way I look, the way I sound, the way I talk.
I don't understand why I have to be like this.
" His voice breaks completely. "I feel so fucking empty.
But I also feel everything all at once. And it's so fucking hard.
And I'm exhausted, Ash. I'm fucking exhausted. "
Another pause. No response. Just breathing.
Viv had never said any of this to anyone before.
Not Matteo. Not the therapist. Not his old friends.
Not even himself, not properly. The words burn on the way out like he's coughing up something toxic he's been holding in for years.
And now that it's out there, hanging in the room like smoke, he's terrified
He waits for Ash to say something. Anything. But for now, the silence is kind. And Ash is still there. Just there. Not leaving. Not judging. Just staying.
Viv suddenly hears the creak of a mattress behind him, and for a second he thinks Ash is getting up to leave the room. His stomach twists. Maybe that was too much. Maybe he's scared him off.
But then he feels it.
The slight dip of the mattress behind him. A shift in the air. The warmth of someone sitting down carefully on the edge of his bed. His breath catches. Then a hand. Light and unsure at first, resting gently on his arm.
Viv stiffens, not out of fear but from the shock of being touched—comforted.
He hadn't expected this. He doesn't even know what he expected.
Nothing, maybe. But not this. Not kindness.
His body trembles, heart pounding, and then the tears come fast and hard.
No warning. No buildup. Just a flood. Ugly, wet, and gut-wrenching.
"I'm sorry," he gasps, choking on the words. "I'm sorry I've been such a shitty roommate. I keep calling you the wrong pronoun—I didn't mean to, I swear, I just— I'm sorry—"
Ash still doesn't say anything. He just quietly shifts behind Viv and lies down on top of the covers, curling his body close but not too close. He's careful. Respectful. His hand resumes it's movement slowly, up and down, up and down, along Viv's arm in soft, grounding strokes.
Viv doesn't move. He stays facing the wall, body shaking with sobs, face hot and soaked and burning with shame and exhaustion and something almost like relief.
Ash says nothing. Doesn't tell him it's okay.
Doesn't tell him to stop crying. Doesn't fill the silence with empty words.
He just stays. Present. Solid. Real. And in the darkness, with someone finally there who doesn't leave, Viv lets himself fall apart.