The Darkness Consumes

Chapter 19 I like you

It had taken forever, but somehow they found someone willing to give them a lift.

Viv still wasn't exactly sure how Ash managed it.

Some middle-aged guy in a rusted white pickup with peeling bumper stickers and a kind smile had agreed after Ash told him they'd missed their bus and just needed to get back home.

Viv had kept his mouth shut the whole time, head down, heart thumping in his ears, trying to look harmless and not like a freshly escaped psych ward patient in borrowed clothes.

The guy didn't ask too many questions. Just dropped them off at the edge of Ash's town with a friendly "stay safe" and a wave.

Viv had forgotten how small towns could be.

Everything looked too familiar, like a blurry version of where he'd grown up.

He remembered Ash saying once that this place was only about an hour from his own hometown, and now, standing behind a big oak tree just across the street from Ash's house, Viv couldn't stop thinking about how close he was. To home. To everything he left behind.

It was early evening now, the sky a dusky blue, and Ash was fidgeting like crazy.

They kept shifting from foot to foot, chewing the inside of their cheek, wringing their hands like they were about to be sent into war.

Viv didn't say anything. He just watched quietly, the guilt from dragging Ash into this whole mess sitting heavy on his chest.

"Are you sure this is gonna work?" Viv whispered finally, glancing up at the second-floor window Ash had been staring at for the past ten minutes.

Ash didn't answer. Instead, they bent down, picked up another small rock, and tossed it carefully at the glass. It made a soft tap. Too soft. They tried again, this time with a little more force.

"Please, Brad," Ash muttered under their breath, tossing a third rock. "Come on. Please."

They were aiming for the window Ash swore was their brother's.

Viv kept peeking around the trunk of the tree like some kind of anxious raccoon.

Every car that drove by made his stomach jump.

Every second they stood here made him feel worse.

Not just because this plan was insane, but because he'd dragged Ash—sweet, shy, sarcastic Ash—into this.

And now here they were, praying that Brad would hear a rock and not their mum, because if she found out, Ash was definitely going to get screamed at.

Viv glanced at Ash again. "You sure you don't want me to knock on the door instead? Like, play distraction?"

Ash gave him a look like he'd just suggested they run straight into traffic.

"Okay," Viv muttered. "Just trying to help."

Brad finally pulled open the window with a loud, squeaky creak that made both Viv and Ash freeze. His head poked out, messy dark hair falling into his eyes, and the second he spotted Ash, his expression dropped like a brick.

His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "What the fuck—"

"Shhh!" Ash hissed, waving their hands in a panic. "Keep your voice down!"

Brad didn't. "Are you serious right now?" he whisper-yelled, his voice laced with equal parts shock and fury. "What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be in treatment, Ash!"

Ash flinched like the word "treatment" stung. They took a cautious step closer to the house, out of the shadows of the tree. "I know, okay? I know. Just... can you come down? Please?"

Brad narrowed his eyes, squinting past Ash to see Viv standing awkwardly behind them, trying to blend into the bush like it might swallow him whole.

"No. No way. Who even—Ash, is that the guy you—? Are you kidding me? You broke out with someone?"

"Brad, please," Ash begged. "We just need somewhere to stay low for a bit. Just to figure things out. You said I could always come home."

Brad's mouth opened, then shut again. He ran a hand down his face, visibly trying to process the chaos that had just shown up in his backyard. "Are you even—God, you're gonna get in so much shit for this. Does Mum know? Oh my God, if Mum sees you—"

"She doesn't know. That's why I need you to let us in," Ash said quickly. "Just you. Please, Brad. I wouldn't ask if I had anywhere else to go."

Brad looked like he wanted to slam the window shut and pretend he hadn't seen anything. Instead, after a long pause, he sighed and muttered, "Back door. Now."

Then the window shut, and Viv let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Is he gonna help us?" Viv asked, stepping closer.

Ash didn't look at him. "I don't know. But he's our best shot." Then they took off around the house, motioning for Viv to follow.

They crept around the side of the house, the grass damp under their shoes and the air turning cooler with the evening. Viv kept close behind Ash, heart hammering stupidly fast like someone was still chasing them.

Ash's hand trembled slightly as they reached for the back door. It cracked open before they could knock. Brad stood there in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, jaw tight.

"Get inside," he muttered. "Quickly."

They stepped in, the warm air of the house hitting them immediately—along with the smell of laundry detergent and something tomato-based simmering in a pot.

It was too domestic. Too normal. Viv suddenly felt how out of place he was, in his stolen hoodie, standing in someone else's life like he didn't belong there.

Brad closed the door quietly behind them and turned to face them. "You've got five minutes to explain what the hell this is before I call Mum and dad. Or the hospital."

Ash started rubbing their arm. "Just hear me out first."

Viv hovered behind them, trying not to make eye contact with anything. He felt like he was standing in a family photo he didn't belong in.

Ash kept going. "We didn't hurt anyone. We didn't even plan it. It just... happened."

"You just happened to break out of a locked psych ward?" Brad snapped. "Do you have any idea the amount of people probably freaking out right now? Jesus, Ash. You were doing so well."

Ash flinched, and Viv could see them starting to fold into themselves.

"It was me," Viv spoke suddenly, voice rough. "It was my idea. If anyone's to blame, it's me."

Brad looked at him, like really looked at him for the first time, eyes narrowing. "Who are you?"

"Viv," he said stiffly. "Ash's roommate."

"No, I know your name. I mean who the hell do you think you are dragging Ash into something like this?" Brad snapped. Then he shook his head. "Look, I don't care. You shouldn't be here. Neither of you should."

Ash stepped forward. "Please. Just a few days. Two at most, I swear. That's all we need. We'll be gone before the rents even notice."

Brad looked like he wanted to argue, but something in his sibling's face stopped him. After a long pause, he exhaled hard and ran a hand through his hair. "Fine. Your room is still made up but if they find out, I'm blaming both of you and acting like I had no idea you were here."

Ash let out a shaky breath of relief. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me. I'm not happy about this. But I'm not gonna turn you away either." He looked at Viv again, less angry this time, but still guarded. "Don't make me regret this."

Viv gave a small nod. "I won't."

Brad muttered something under his breath and then turned, gesturing for them to follow. As they headed quietly toward the stairs, Viv caught a glimpse of a photo on the hallway wall—a younger Brad, Ash in the middle, both smiling big, real smiles.

Something in Viv's chest tugged. He didn't know if this was going to work. But for now... it was somewhere warm. Somewhere safe. And that was enough.

~

The room smelled like clean laundry and something faintly citrusy—maybe the air freshener plugged into the wall.

It was tidy but lived-in. Ash's bedroom didn't scream anything specific; no bold colours, no posters of boy bands or football players.

The walls were painted a soft, pale grey.

The bedding was plain black. A bookshelf stood neatly in the corner stacked with novels, sketchpads, and a few framed photos turned facedown.

There were no clues—nothing overtly "girly" or "boyish.

" It was just... Ash's room. It didn't need a label.

Viv wanted to say something about it. Something dumb, maybe—like how the room felt safe, or how he liked that it didn't make him feel like he was intruding on someone else's life. But he kept his mouth shut. The last thing he wanted was to say something that'd come out wrong and piss Ash off again.

They lay side by side in Ash's double bed.

The silence between them wasn't hostile anymore, just thick.

Heavy. The kind of quiet where breathing felt loud.

Viv lay stiffly on his back, hands pressed to his stomach, staring at the ceiling like it was going to move.

Ash was curled on their side facing away with one arm tucked under their pillow.

Ash was close enough that Viv could feel their body heat.

He felt weird. Like... nervous. The kind of nervous where your mouth goes dry and your stomach gets too tight and you forget how to breathe properly.

He'd never really felt this with anyone before.

Not with the girls he used to date just to feel something.

Not with the random hookups that were more about killing time than feeling anything real.

But now, laying in this genderless room next to someone who saw straight through his bullshit, with somebody who cared enough to yell at him when he was being reckless, Viv felt like his entire chest had been cracked open.

He turned his head slightly, watching the back of Ash's neck in the dark. He breathed out softly and hoped he wouldn't screw this up, just like he was screwing everything else up.

"You don't have to come," Viv finally said.

"What?" Ash asks, their voice muffled slightly by the blanket.

"With me," Viv explains. "Tomorrow."

Ash rolled over so that they were facing him now, brows pinched together. "You wanna go tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I need to see him."

Ash's expression fell a little. There was a flicker of sadness in their eyes. "But Viv... he won't be there."

"You don't know that."

"I do," Ash says firmly. "I'm sorry but.

.. Doctor Jacobs wasn't lying to you. You have schizophrenia, and Matteo never came to the hospital.

I never saw him. Not once. He was never in our room.

He was never in the rec room either. You would.

.. you would always mutter to yourself. Play Jenga by yourself.

At first I thought you just wanted to be alone, but then you tried to introduce me to somebody that wasn't even there and I—"

"Okay. I got it," Viv snapped.

Ash went quiet.

Fuck, Viv was awful at this shit.

"I just... I need to go home. See his bedroom. You know?" Viv said in a small voice.

"What's that going to prove?"Ash asked.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

Ash gently placed their hand on Viv's arm. Their touch was light, hesitant. "I can only imagine how much pain you're in. I'm sorry. But going home might not be the best thing. What if your parents see you and—"

"They won't," Viv assures him quickly. "I'll make sure they're out. They're usually at work during the day, and I know where the spare key is."

"But Viv—"

"Ash, I have to know. I just have to know. I'm sorry. I know you don't understand, but this is my brother. Do you get that?"

"I get it," Ash said softly, tightening their grip on Viv's arm. "And I'm not saying you shouldn't go. But you're not going alone."

"You're going to come?" Viv asked in surprise.

"Well, I'm not staying here," Ash scoffs.

Viv gnawed on his lip for a few moments. God, he felt awful. He was dragging Ash into his mess and that wasn't okay. "Maybe you should go back to the hospital."

"What?" Ash asks in surprise.

"Brad was right. Your treatment is important and—"

"So is yours."

"I know. And once I have my answers, I'll think about going back, but—"

"Think? Think about going back?" Ash said sharply. "No. You are going back. You have to, Viv. Whether you like it or not."

"What's the point?" Viv muttered.

"The point is to get on the right medication and get better."

"Maybe I don't wanna be on medication. Maybe not being drugged up is the only way I'll see my brother again," Viv snapped.

"Viv," Ash says sadly, their voice barely above a whisper. "Please. You're not thinking straight."

Viv knew Ash was right. He knew it. But still. It was annoying as hell. He sighed and shuffled closer gto Ash, pulling the blanket tighter around his body. "It's cold in here."

"Sorry," Ash mumbles, cheeks flushing. They reached over and adjusted the blanket, tucking it over Viv's shoulder.

"I like your room," Viv said, eyes drifting around the dimly lit space.

"Thanks." Ash glanced around too, like they were seeing it for the first time in a while.

"Why are the photos down?"

"Huh?" Ash blinks.

"Those photos over there. They're facing down. Why?"

Ash hesitated, their hand still resting gently on Viv's arm.

Their eyes flicked toward the corner of the room where the photos sat facedown like secrets trying to stay hidden.

For a second, Viv thought they might not answer.

But then Ash's voice came, quiet and flat. "I didn't want to look at them."

Viv frowned, glancing again at the dusty wooden shelf. "Why not?"

Ash shrugged, but it was a stiff, uncomfortable kind of shrug. "Because they're old. From before everything got messed up. Back when I still thought things were going to get better just because I wanted them to."

Viv didn't say anything. He just watched Ash carefully, studying the way their jaw tightened a little, the way their fingers curled slightly into the blanket.

He realised then just how much pain Ash kept tucked beneath their skin, quiet and careful.

Like if they let it out, even for a second, it might eat them whole.

Ash exhaled and looked at him again. "It's dumb. I know. I just didn't wanna remember, I guess."

Viv shook his head slowly. "It's not dumb."

The room fell silent again. Viv could feel the weight of everything—what they'd been through, what still waited for them tomorrow. It made the bed feel smaller. The air heavier.

He scooted a little closer, shoulder brushing Ash's. "You're sure you wanna come with me tomorrow?"

Ash nodded. "Yeah. You need answers. And I'm not letting you do it alone."

Viv gave a small, grateful nod, then looked up at the ceiling. He still didn't know what he was expecting to find at home—if anything. But if Ash was by his side, maybe it wouldn't completely destroy him. Maybe.

The door suddenly slammed open so hard it rebounded off the wall with a sharp crack, making both Viv and Ash jolt upright. Light from the hallway spilled into the room, casting a long shadow across the bed.

"Ash!" a woman's voice shrieked, high-pitched and ragged.

Ash's entire body tensed under the covers. "Mum—"

"What the hell is going on?" Her eyes were wild, hair messy, like she hadn't stopped moving since she got the call. She was already stomping into the room when she caught sight of Viv sitting upright beside her child, looking stunned and pale.

"And who the hell is this?" she spat, pointing an accusatory finger straight at Viv like he was something rotten she'd found under the floorboards.

Viv froze, heart hammering. He felt like a deer caught in headlights, sweat prickling under his shirt.

"Mum, please—" Ash started, already throwing the blankets off and standing up, hands held out like they were trying to calm a wild animal.

"You left the hospital?!" she shouted, voice cracking. "They called me, Ash! I've been terrified. What were you thinking? What if something happened to you? What if you'd—"

Her voice broke off as she choked on a sob. She covered her mouth with one trembling hand and staggered back a step, tears already spilling down her cheeks.

Ash's posture crumpled at the sight of her crying. "I'm sorry," they said quickly, softly. "I didn't mean to scare you. I just... I... we needed to go. We weren't thinking straight. I'm sorry."

But she wasn't listening. She had her arms wrapped around herself now like she was physically holding herself together, her shoulders shaking. "I thought you were dead," she whispered. "God, Ash. When they called me, I thought you were dead. I thought you... god, I thought you'd..."

Ash's face dropped and they reached for their mum cautiously, and to Viv's surprise, she didn't push him away. She collapsed into her child's arms, clinging to them tightly, her fingers fisting the back of Ash's shirt like she might never let go again.

Viv looked away, giving them privacy, guilt rising sharp and hot in his throat. This was his fault. He shouldn't have asked Ash to come. This was all his fucking fault.

"I'm sorry," Ash repeated, their voice barely more than a whisper.

Their mother didn't soften. Her face was blotchy from crying, but her anger hadn't gone anywhere.

If anything, it was burning hotter now that the fear had drained out.

"God, Ash. How could you do this? You were supposed to get better.

You promised. You promised me you'd really try this time. "

"I am, Mum," Ash said, eyes wide, pleading. "I swear."

"Show me your arms," she snapped suddenly, pulling out of the hug.

Ash's whole body flinched like she'd slapped them. They curled their hands to their chest, holding onto their hoodie sleeves as some sort of protection. "What? No."

"Show me right now!" she barked, reaching forward with sudden fury.

"Mum, stop. Please—" Ash's voice cracked as they tried to twist away.

But she was faster. In one swift, practiced motion, she grabbed Ash's wrist and pried it away from their body. Her other hand yanked up the sleeve of the hoodie so fast Ash barely had time to react.

Silence.

The room dropped into an awful, suffocating stillness.

Viv's stomach lurched as his eyes fell on Ash's arm. Thin, raw lines ran in messy rows up their forearm, some faded, others red and angry, still healing. The skin was a battlefield, a diary of pain carved in flesh. Ash stood frozen, eyes locked on his arm, chest rising and falling too fast.

Viv couldn't breathe. He'd known, but seeing it was something else entirely. It wasn't just a guess now, it was real. It was right there. Fuck, how could he have been so blind?

Ash's mum stared at the arm, her mouth hanging open, face stricken. She looked like the floor had dropped out from under her. The anger drained out of her all at once, replaced by something hollow and heavy.

"Ash..." she whispered.

But Ash had already yanked their arm back, pulling the sleeve down with shaky hands. Their shoulders were trembling, and they wouldn't look at anyone. Viv wanted to say something—anything—but his throat was a knot.

Ash took a sharp, gasping breath, then another, like the air wasn't going in right. Their shoulders twitched, eyes darting between the floor, the bed, the door—anywhere but at their mum or Viv.

"I didn't mean—I wasn't trying to—I just—" Ash stammered, voice rising in pitch and speed. "I fucked up. I'm sorry. I fucked up. I really fucked up. I fucked up."

Then suddenly, with a guttural sob, Ash brought their hands to their head and started yanking at their hair hard. Fists tangled in it, pulling at the roots, as if they could tear something out of their skull and make it all stop.

"Ash!" their mum gasped, rushing forward, trying to grab their wrists again. "Sweetheart, no, please, stop it—"

"Don't touch me!" Ash shrieked, jerking back, breathing fast, erratic.

Their knees buckled and they crumpled to the floor next to the bed, rocking slightly, still tugging at their hair, mumbling broken pieces of sentences under their breath.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't—I can't—I didn't mean—"

"Please sweetheart," their mum begged. "It's okay."

"I can't," Ash sobbed.

Viv suddenly jumped down from the bed so fast his legs nearly gave out. "Ash," he said firmly, dropping to his knees in front of them. He reached out, not touching yet, but close. "Ash. Look at me. It's Viv. It's just me."

Ash didn't seem to hear, their fingers knotted so tightly in their hair that Viv could see strands pulling free.

Viv swallowed hard. "You're okay. I promise, you're okay. You're safe, alright?" His voice shook but he forced it to stay steady. "No one's mad at you. I promise. Nobody's angry. You're safe. But you have to stop hurting yourself. Can you just look at me, please?"

Still no response.

Viv's stomach twisted. He gently grabbed Ash's wrists, not to pull them away, but just to hold them. Warm, steady pressure. Ash yanked back, so Viv held on tighter. "I'm here," he said firmly, his thumbs brushing over Ash's skin. "It's okay. I've got you."

Ash's breathing hitched. Their hands stopped tugging for a moment, just a moment, but it was enough.

"You're okay," Viv said again, softer this time. "It's just me and your mum. You're not in trouble. You're not back at the hospital. You're home."

Ash blinked, dazed, like they were starting to come back. Their eyes flicked up, glassy and wet, and landed on Viv. Just barely.

Ash made a soft, broken noise, and their arms dropped, hair sticking out in wild patches.

They folded into themselves and leaned against Viv, trembling, silent.

Viv held them tightly, glancing up at Ash's mum, who looked heartbroken and completely unsure what to do.

He gave her a small nod, letting her know; he had this.

Ash was still trembling, small sounds catching in their throat like hiccups, as they buried their face into Viv's shoulder.

The weight of them felt fragile, like a bird with broken wings, and Viv held on tighter, as if he could glue all the pieces back together with just his arms. At least Ash was letting him hold them. That was progress, right?

"I tried," Ash whispered, voice raw and muffled against Viv's hoodie. "I really tried. I wanted to get better. I didn't want to disappoint anyone."

Viv didn't know what to say. His own throat felt tight, like it was closing up.

"I couldn't stop the bad thoughts," Ash continued shakily. "No matter what I did. They just kept coming. Even in the hospital. Especially in the hospital. I kept getting nightmares and... and voices in my head telling me I didn't deserve to get better."

Viv closed his eyes, his gut twisting painfully.

"I used whatever I could find," Ash choked out. "Paper clips. Plastic forks. Broken pencil tips. My fingernails, sometimes. I just... I needed to feel it. I didn't know what else to do."

Viv felt like the floor had dropped out from under him. He was Ash's roommate. He was supposed to notice. He was supposed to be there.

All he could think about was how many nights he'd selfishly wrapped himself in his own grief, barely registering anything beyond the aching hole where his brother used to be.

He'd heard Ash whimpering in his sleep once.

But what about all the other times? He'd been so wrapped up in his own head that he hadn't realised Ash was slowly sinking beside him.

"I'm so sorry," Viv murmured, voice cracking. "Ash, I didn't know. I should've—I should've seen it."

Ash didn't respond. They just cried, quietly, like they'd finally run out of strength to pretend they were fine.

Viv blinked back the sting in his own eyes and rested his chin gently against the top of Ash's head.

"I was a shitty friend," he whispered. "But I'm here now. I promise. I won't miss it again."

Ash didn't answer. But the way they gripped the front of Viv's clothes, all tight and desperate, was enough.

Ash's mom had been stood watching this whole time, her hands wringing nervously in front of her. Her eyes were red and glassy, mascara smudged beneath them, but the sharpness in her expression had dulled into something softer. Something tired.

She finally stepped forward, clearing her throat gently. "You can stay the night," she said, her voice quiet but firm. "Both of you."

Ash didn't move. They were still curled into Viv's chest, breathing slow but uneven.

"I'll call the hospital," she added, glancing toward the hallway like she needed to step away just to breathe. "Let them know you're safe. That you're here."

Viv met her eyes over Ash's head. She didn't look angry anymore, just scared. Scared and overwhelmed and maybe a little ashamed that she hadn't known either.

He gave her a small nod. "Thank you."

She nodded back, and then hesitated. "We'll figure the rest out tomorrow," she said, and her voice wavered just enough to betray how much she was holding in. "I'm... I'm just glad you're here, Ash."

Ash didn't respond.

Ash's mom took one last look at them, then quietly stepped out, pulling the door closed behind her.

The room went still again. Only the sound of Ash's quiet breathing and the dull thump of Viv's heart remained.

It was dark outside. The moonlight spilled in through the curtains and caught the edges of Ash's hair, casting it in silver.

Viv let out a slow breath, the kind that seemed to drag the weight of the whole evening out of his chest, and closed his eyes for a second, letting the closeness ground him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, barely loud enough to hear over the muffled hum of the house around them.

Ash's voice was equally quiet. "It's not your fault."

Viv pulled back just enough to look at him. "It's entirely my fault. All of it. I should've—"

"Playing the blame game isn't going to help anyone," Ash interrupted, his tone flat but not cold. Just... tired.

"Ash, I just—"

"I don't want to think about it anymore," Ash said, cutting him off again, their voice starting to shake. "Please?"

Viv exhaled sharply through his nose and nodded.

He didn't push. He just helped Ash to his feet, moving slowly and carefully, like Ash might collapse again if he wasn't gentle.

Together, they crawled back into the bed.

The mattress dipped as they settled, the blankets still tangled from earlier.

This time, Ash curled into Viv, like instinct.

Their head tucked against Viv's chest, their fingers lightly gripping the hem of Viv's shirt.

Ash's legs folded up, fitting themselves around Viv's in a way that felt too natural for how new this closeness still was.

Viv stiffened slightly. His heart began pounding again, quick and thudding against his ribs, and he hated that it made him feel like a nervous idiot. God, the way Ash fit against him, small and quiet and trusting, it messed him up in a way he couldn't explain.

Ash shifted slightly. "Your heart is beating really fast right now."

"Yeah," Viv murmured, the word catching in his throat.

Ash tilted their head up, just enough to look at him. "Why?"

Viv looked down at them, unsure whether to laugh or die of embarrassment. "Guess you scared me."

"I did?" Ash's brows furrowed.

"I don't like it when you hurt yourself."

Ash was quiet for a second. "I'll try not to."

"Will you tell me if you do?" Viv asked, voice soft but firm.

Ash sighed. "Probably not."

"Ash."

"Why do you care so much?" Ash asked, his tone unreadable. Like they weren't sure if they were allowed to ask.

"Is that a trick question?" Viv whispered.

"You don't have to answer."

Viv's heart slammed against his ribcage so hard it almost hurt.

For a second, the words caught in his throat, trapped beneath months of denial and confusion and fear.

He'd never said this out loud before, not to anyone, not even to himself.

But Ash was right there, looking at him like he was something fragile and worth holding.

And suddenly, the truth burned too hot to swallow back.

"I like you," Viv eventually said, voice breaking slightly. He took a short breath. "Not just as a friend. I—I don't think I ever did."

The moment hung, raw and terrifying. His hands were trembling. It felt like standing on the edge of something he couldn't undo.

Ash stared at him. Long and hard. Their green eyes flicked over Viv's face like they were trying to find some kind of catch, or some joke waiting to drop.

Viv swallowed. His whole body was tense with nerves and something electric and warm, something he didn't know how to name yet.

Ash didn't say anything at first. Just stared, lips parted slightly. Viv's chest rose and fell too quickly, panic building with every second of silence.

And then Ash moved. They reached up, slowly, like they were making sure Viv wouldn't flinch. Their fingers brushed against Viv's jaw, light and tentative, and when Viv didn't pull away, Ash leaned in. Their noses bumped, awkward at first, but neither of them laughed. It was too charged. Too real.

Then their lips met and fuck... Viv was gone.

The kiss was soft. Careful. Nothing like the ones Viv had had before—sloppy make-outs in dark rooms, rushed and forgettable. This one was still, aching, like Ash was afraid Viv might shatter if they pushed too hard.

Viv kissed him back. Obviously he did. It was hesitant, lips barely moving at first, just the warmth of Ash's mouth and the shake in Viv's hands as he cupped the back of Ash's neck.

But then Ash let out the faintest sigh against his lips, and something broke open inside Vivs.

He tilted his head, deepened the kiss, just enough to tell Ash he meant it. That he wasn't taking it back.

When they finally pulled apart, Ash kept their forehead pressed to Viv's. They were both breathing hard.

"You're shaking," Ash whispered.

"I know," Viv breathed. "Sorry."

"You're apologising?" Ash let out a breathless laugh, bumping his nose against Viv's again.

"You make me feel like a..." Viv swallowed. "Like a fucking loser."

"What?" Ash asked in surprise. "Why?"

"Because you're kind of perfect and I feel totally unworthy of being able to kiss you."

"Perfect?" Ash asked, eyes shimmering.

"Perfect to me," Viv whispered.

"Viv, I'm not perfect," Ash said in a small voice.

"You're perfect to me," Viv repeated firmly, leaving no room for argument. Ash's eyes flickered across Viv's face. "Do you regret it?"

"The kiss?" Ash asked softly.

"Yeah," Viv mumbled. "You said last time that you didn't want to be some straight boys experiment."

Ash swallowed thickly and glanced away momentarily.

When they looked back at Viv, their eyes shimmered with unshed tears.

"You were right," Ash said in a broken voice.

"That was my own insecurities talking that day and I was pushing you away so I could save myself some heartache which may or may not happen in the future.

I was being stupid and I want to apologise for that.

I know I really hurt you when I ignored you and yelled at you, but I'm really fucking sorry.

That's what I regret. Not the kiss. That. Hurting you."

Viv felt his throat tighten. He hadn't expected Ash to be so honest, so open. For a second, all he could do was stare. The glow of the bedside lamp painted Ash's features in soft gold, but there was nothing soft about the pain in their eyes.

"I thought you hated me," Viv admitted, voice barely audible.

Ash blinked. "I never hated you. I hated myself. For wanting you. For hoping you'd want me back. And when you did, or when I thought maybe you did, I just... I freaked out. I didn't think I deserved it because of..."

Viv shook his head slowly, his voice hoarse. "You deserved better than how I handled it too. I was confused and scared but... I shouldn't have let that stop me from being there for you."

Ash reached for his hand beneath the blanket and laced their fingers together. "It's okay. We were both scared. Still are, probably."

Viv gave a dry laugh, his eyes stinging. "Terrified."

Ash squeezed his hand. "But I'd rather be terrified with you, than feel empty and alone without you."

Viv's heart cracked a little at that. He swallowed hard and leaned in, resting his forehead gently against Ash's again. "You're not an experiment. You're not a phase. You're not... you're not something I'm gonna forget about when this is over."

Ash's bottom lip trembled. "You mean that?"

"I do."

And this time, when they kissed, it wasn't hesitant or unsure. It was slow and aching and real, two broken individuals trying to fit the pieces of each other back together.