Chapter 26 All by myself
The days bled into weeks, and the weeks into a month.
A whole damn month had passed, though it didn't feel like it.
The days just consisted of group therapy, art therapy, medication lines, mealtimes, check-ins.
The same four walls. The same heavy air.
The same cafeteria smell clinging to his clothes no matter how many times he changed.
Viv was in the rec room, slouched low on one of the vinyl sofas, half-watching a dumb movie playing on the mounted TV.
Something animated and loud. He wasn't paying much attention.
His eyes kept flicking to the door every time it creaked open, waiting for Ash to return from their one-on-one session with Dr. Jacobs.
A shadow fell over the arm of the sofa.
"Viv," Nurse Carla said lightly, holding a paper cup of water and wearing her usual faded-lipstick smile. "What's the verdict on this one, then? Rotten Tomatoes score of... negative three?"
Viv shrugged, barely glancing at the screen. "Feels like it was made by people who've never seen a movie before."
Carla chuckled, setting the water on the table beside him. "That bad, huh?"
He nodded, picking at the fraying seam of one of the sofa cushions.
There was a beat of silence before she asked gently, "Ash still with Dr. Jacobs?"
Viv nodded again. "Yeah."
"They're making good progress."
Viv hummed, not sure if that was supposed to make him feel better or worse.
The longer Ash was in there, the more Viv's stomach twisted.
He knew it was selfish, therapy was helping, it really was, but he missed them.
Missed their voice, their hands, the quiet way they grounded him without even trying.
"Want me to sit with you till they're back?" Carla offered, not pushing, just present.
Viv shook his head. "I'm good."
Carla gave his shoulder a soft pat, her touch surprisingly gentle. "Okay, sweetie. I'll be nearby if you need anything."
And just like that, she was gone again, her footsteps soft as she moved down the corridor, leaving Viv with the awful movie and the empty space beside him.
He let his gaze drift away from the screen, landing instead on the few other patients scattered around the rec room. A couple of girls whispering in the corner over colouring books. Two boys playing cards without saying a word. Someone else staring blankly out the window.
He wondered, vaguely, if he'd missed his chance to make any real friends here.
Not just nodding acquaintances or the occasional small talk with someone waiting in line for meds, but real actual friends he could joke around with.
People he could maybe talk to about something other than his mood or his hallucinations or what trauma landed them here in the first place.
But the thought alone made him tired.
It had always felt like too much effort.
Too much talking. Too much pretending to be someone easier to be around.
Ash was the only one he didn't feel like he had to perform for, and maybe that was part of the problem.
Maybe he'd gotten so used to just clinging to Ash like a life raft that he hadn't even considered reaching for anyone else.
Still, the idea of starting over with someone new, like figuring out what to say, what not to say, how much of his brain to explain before they got scared off...it made his chest feel tight. Like it would cost more than it was worth.
Viv sat bolt upright the second Ash burst into the room. Their face was blotchy and damp, eyes swollen and red-rimmed like they'd just been crying hard. Not the quiet, tears-slipping-down-your-cheek kind of cry. The kind that left you gasping for air and wiped out.
"Ash?" Viv was already on his feet before Ash even said anything, heart thudding against his ribs.
Ash didn't answer right away, just strode across the rec room like they couldn't get to Viv fast enough. They gripped his wrist, hard but trembling, and said in a choked whisper, "Can we—can we go back to the room? Please. I don't wanna be here."
Viv didn't ask questions. He just nodded and let Ash drag him out. The walk down the corridor was silent but heavy, and when they finally got inside their room and shut the door behind them, Ash sank down onto the edge of Viv's bed like their legs couldn't hold them anymore.
Viv crouched in front of them, hands on Ash's knees. "What happened?"
Ash swallowed hard and avoided his eyes. "Dr. Jacobs... he told me I'm getting discharged."
Viv's heart dropped so fast it felt like it might punch a hole through his stomach. He stared at Ash for a second too long, blinking like maybe the words hadn't settled properly in his ears yet. Discharged. That meant leaving. That meant gone.
"Oh," Viv said quietly. It was all he could manage. The lump forming in his throat made anything else impossible.
Ash still wouldn't meet his gaze, fingers knotting together tightly in their lap.
Viv sat down beside them slowly, his legs numb, mind rushing with thoughts he didn't want to say out loud.
Like what the hell am I going to do without you here?
Or like how the hell am I supposed to stay when you're not here to keep me sane?
He knew he should smile. Say something supportive.
Clap Ash on the back and call it progress, like Dr. Jacobs would.
But he couldn't. His hands were trembling, so he shoved them between his knees and stared at the ugly tile floor.
"That's... good, though, right?" he finally said, the words tasting like metal in his mouth. "You're getting better."
Ash's voice was barely above a whisper. "Does it feel good to you?"
Viv didn't answer. Couldn't. Because no, it didn't feel good. It felt like someone was dragging a nail down the middle of his chest, peeling something open he didn't know was still that raw.
But he wasn't allowed to say that, was he?
So instead, he just breathed through his nose and tried to keep his expression flat, because if he even looked like he was about to cry, he knew Ash would feel worse. And Viv couldn't be the reason they felt worse.
"I'm happy for you," he said, and hated how bitter it sounded.
Ash's lip trembled before they covered their face with both hands, their shoulders beginning to shake. A quiet sob escaped before they could hold it in. "I don't want to leave you in here all alone," they choked out.
Viv felt his chest twist so tightly it hurt. All the fear and heartbreak he'd been trying to swallow cracked open at the edges. But seeing Ash like this, all breaking apart over something that was supposed to be good, made it worse.
"You're not leaving me," Viv said quickly, grabbing Ash's wrists and gently prying their hands away from their face. "You're getting better. You're going home. That's what this place is for."
Ash looked at him then, eyes soaked, lashes clumped together. "But you are my home."
Viv's breath hitched, and for a second, neither of them moved. Neither of them blinked. Then Viv surged forward, wrapping his arms around Ash tightly, like he could hold them there forever if he just squeezed hard enough.
Ash cried into his neck, fists curling in the back of Viv's shirt like they couldn't stand the thought of letting go. Viv's heart pounded, full of so much aching love and helpless panic he didn't know how he was supposed to survive this.
"I don't want to be here without you either," he whispered, voice raw. "But you have to go. If you're ready... you have to go. I won't be that far behind. Trust me. I'll be annoying you on the outside before you know it."
Ash didn't say anything. Just nodded against his skin, even as another quiet sob slipped out.
Viv blinked fast, his own eyes burning now. Because the truth was, neither of them were ready to leave each other just yet, but sometimes, that didn't matter.
"You excited to see Brad?"
Ash sniffled, still tucked against Viv's chest, and nodded slowly. "Yeah," they murmured. "I mean... yeah. I miss him."
Viv smiled faintly, his fingers brushing soothingly over the back of Ash's arm. "And your mom?"
Ash pulled back just a little, wiping at their face with the sleeve of their jumper. "Yeah. I miss her. She's been trying harder with me. Like, after she saw my arms... I think it scared her. She's been calling more. Visiting. Writing me dumb little notes and stuff."
"That's good," Viv said, and meant it. "Sounds like she's been waiting to have you back."
Ash nodded again.
Viv watched their face carefully. There was still that red puffiness around their eyes, but the worst of the crying seemed to have passed. He tried not to look too long, tried not to let his own face betray anything.
Because deep down, he was reeling. The thought of being in this place without Ash, of waking up without them curled under his arm, of having breakfast alone, of sitting in rec with no one to press their knee against under the table.
..it made his stomach churn. But he couldn't fall apart. Not now. He'd have to do it later.
So instead, he asked gently, "Do you think Brad's gonna cry when he sees you?"
Ash snorted. "God no. He'll probably punch me in the arm and call me a loser."
Viv laughed quietly. "That's how you know he loves you."
Ash looked at him then and something in their expression softened. "You're being really nice about this."
Viv shrugged, but his voice cracked just a little. "Trying not to be selfish, I guess."
Ash reached out and took his hand, lacing their fingers together like they always did. "You can be a little selfish," they whispered. "I think I'd like that."
Viv squeezed Ash's hand, staring at the place where their fingers wove together. "Okay," he said, his voice low. "Then I'll be selfish for a second."
Ash looked at him, their face still blotchy and tear-streaked but open, like they were bracing themself.
"I don't want you to go," Viv admitted. His throat tightened, but he kept going. "I don't care if that makes me sound like a baby or a clingy freak or whatever. I don't want to be in here without you and I don't know how to handle it."
Ash's eyes shimmered again, and Viv could tell they were trying not to cry all over again.
"I know it's good for you," Viv said quickly, like if he got it all out fast it would hurt less.
"I know your mom wants you home and Brad probably misses you like crazy.
And I want that for you, I do. I want you to be okay.
But I'm not. I'm not okay. Not now that I know you're leaving.
And I don't know how to do this place without you. "
Ash let out a shaky breath and leaned forward, pressing their forehead to Viv's. "I don't know how to do out there without you either."
Viv shut his eyes. "Then don't. Stay."
"You know I can't."
"Then take me with you," he said, only half joking. "Smuggle me out in your suitcase or something."
Ash huffed a laugh, wet and strained. "You're like six foot tall."
"Fine. Backpack."
Both of them laughed a little.
They sat like that for a while longer, forehead to forehead, hands locked tight between them.
Viv knew it wouldn't change anything. Ash was still leaving.
The room would still feel colder. Meals would still be lonelier.
And maybe he'd go back to being the ghost boy again, the one who didn't talk or eat or care.
But for now, he let himself have this moment. This small, selfish truth. He didn't want Ash to go. He loved them, and it hurt like hell.
~
The lights overhead buzzed quietly, a faint white noise against the heavy silence pressing in around them.
Viv and Ash stood side by side at the nurses' station, their hands clasped tightly between them, fingers laced in a grip that neither seemed willing to break.
Viv could feel every inch of Ash's palm.
It was warm, slightly damp, and twitching every now and then with nerves.
He knew the nurses were watching. Carla was pretending to busy herself with some paperwork, but her eyes kept flicking up.
Nurse Josh was sipping coffee and whispering something to Francine, who didn't bother hiding the way she looked at their hands.
But Viv didn't care. Neither of them did.
Because in less than a minute, Ash's mom would be here to pick him up and take him away from this place forever.
Or...maybe not forever? This was Ash's first time in hospital. Maybe they would be back.
Fuck! No, Viv. Don't think like that. Ash is getting better. Ash doesn't need to come back to this hellhole. Ash deserves so much better than this.
Viv stared at the hallway like he could hold it off with his glare alone. Every passing second felt like it scraped something raw in his chest. His legs were jittery, but his grip never loosened. If he let go now, he knew he might unravel.
Ash leaned a little closer, their head gently bumping against Viv's shoulder. "You okay?" they asked softly.
"No," Viv replied, just as soft.
Ash squeezed his hand. "Me neither."
The clock above the nurses' desk ticked forward with a sharp click. The second hand swept past the twelve.
Ash heaved a large, dramatic sigh and turned toward Viv slowly.
Their eyes met, and before Viv could second-guess himself, he leaned in and kissed them.
It wasn't a frantic or desperate kiss. It was soft and slow, their mouths meeting in the kind of quiet that said everything they didn't have time to say out loud.
Ash's hand rose to cup Viv's jaw, and Viv swore the floor tilted slightly beneath him.
For a second, nothing else existed. Not the hospital, not the nurses, not even the seconds ticking down behind them.
Then someone cleared their throat loudly.
They broke apart to see Nurse Carla standing nearby, arms crossed over her clipboard, one eyebrow raised with an expression that said she was trying not to smile, but also trying very hard to remember the rules. Viv didn't miss a beat.
"Fuck off, Carla."
Her mouth twitched. "Language, Viviano."
He smirked. "I think we're a little past pretending to be perfect patients."
Carla sighed but didn't argue, just turned and walked off down the hallway, muttering something about paperwork.
Ash let out a soft laugh, forehead still resting against Viv's. "You're such a little menace."
"I'm your little menace," Viv whispered, trying not to choke on the lump in his throat.
"Hell yeah you are."
Suddenly, the main door buzzed.
Ash's fingers tightened slightly in Viv's as the sound of approaching footsteps echoed down the hallway.
Viv turned just in time to see Ash's mom who had soft eyes and tired smile.
Beside her was Brad. Ash stiffened for just a second, then exhaled slowly.
Viv gave their hand another reassuring squeeze before he let go.
"Hey, sweetheart," Ash's mom said gently as she stepped forward, eyes already glistening. She took Ash in her arms like she'd been holding that hug in for months, like she was afraid they might vanish if she let go too fast.
"I missed you," Ash whispered into her shoulder.
"I missed you too. So, so much."
Viv glanced at Brad, whose eyes flickered from Ash to Viv and then away.
Ash pulled back slightly and reached for Brad. "Hi," he smiled softly.
Brad grinned and crashed into them with a hug that was all elbows and love, and Ash held him tight. Viv watched the whole thing unfold with a strange ache blooming in his chest. It wasn't jealousy, not really. He was happy for Ash. But it still hurt.
After a minute, Ash turned, slipping an arm around Viv's waist without hesitation. "You guys have met Viv," they hesitated for half a second, "he's my boyfriend."
Viv's breath caught, and Ash's mom looked at him properly now. Her smile was warm, open. "Yes, I remember. I'm sorry about how we met the last time, but i'm glad to meet you again. I've heard a lot about you," she said gently.
"Only good things, I hope," Viv said, trying to sound casual even though his knees were lightly shaking.
"Mostly," Brad said, smirking.
They all laughed, and for a moment, Viv felt like he could pretend this wasn't a goodbye. Like maybe, just maybe, things might still be okay. Like it was an 'i'll see you later alligator'.
Ash's mom walked over to Nurse Josh at the desk, reaching into her bag for a pen as he handed over the discharge forms. She gave the three of them a knowing look, like she understood they needed a moment alone.
Brad hesitated, his hands shoved deep in his hoodie pocket, before glancing at Ash. "I'll go with Mom," he mumbled. "You guys are being gross anyway."
Ash laughed softly.
"Loser," Brad said, rolling his eyes, but there was a tiny smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he followed Ash's mom toward the desk.
And just like that, it was just the two of them.
Viv took a shaky breath. "So... this is it."
Ash didn't say anything at first. They just stepped forward and wrapped their arms around Viv, pressing their face into his neck like they didn't want to be seen crying.
Viv held them just as tightly, trying to memorise the shape of them, the feel of their arms, the curve of their back, and the faint scent of their shampoo.
"I hate this," Ash whispered.
Viv nodded against their shoulder. "Me too."
A beat of silence.
"Promise you'll text me the second you get your phone back. You have my number right? You jot it down in your journal?"
Ash nodded.
"I won't get the messages but just do it," Viv said, trying to keep his voice steady. "Every single night. I'll read them all once I get out."
"Okay," Ash sniffled. They pulled back just enough to look at him, their eyes rimmed red. He sniffled again. "You'll be okay, right?"
Viv opened his mouth, but the words caught in his throat. He didn't know if he would be okay, not without Ash here. But he couldn't say that. Not now. So instead, he said the next best thing: "I'll try."
Ash leaned in and kissed him. Soft and slow and sad. The kind of kiss that said more than either of them could voice. When they pulled apart, Ash pressed their forehead against Viv's, eyes fluttering closed. "I love you, Viv," they said so quietly Viv almost didn't hear it.
Viv froze. His heart jumped up to his throat. Then he whispered back quickly, "I love you too."
Ash smiled, even though tears were slipping down their cheeks.
From behind the desk, Ash's mom called gently, "Sweetheart, we're ready."
Ash gave Viv one last squeeze, then slowly let go. Viv watched them walk away, hand slipping into their mom's instead, their figure getting smaller and smaller down the hallway.
And then they were gone.