CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
I feel a tap on my shoulder.
I turn quickly, slightly startled, and see Ben towering over me with those sparkly eyes of his.
“You didn’t hear me say your name?” His voice rises in question format.
“Sorry, I guess I’m distracted.”
“You were humming, annoyingly, I might add.”
I roll my eyes at him and turn my attention to the couple that just walked in.
“Hi,” I greet them with a warm smile. I see them holding hands, and I feel my heart soften. I turn back to Ben.
“Game night was pretty fun the other night, right?”
“You could say that.”
“I said it.”
I’m not sure what’s going on, but I feel something’s off with Ben. He’s still hovering close to me. I take a step back so that I can breathe without inhaling his intoxicating scent. I mean I like it, but I will myself not go there. Not with him. He’s with Mel, I remind myself, and I am with Cole.
“Cole looks familiar,” Ben says.
“Oh, yeah?” I ask. I don’t wait for a response. “I probably showed you his picture when I thought I was meeting him at the pizza parlor that time.”
“That’s not it. I think I’ve seen him around here before.”
I bring my focus back to the couple who are looking at the self-development aisle. “Is there anything I can help you find?”
“I’m just looking for some…” She doesn’t finish her sentence and is pulling out a book.
“That’s a great one!” I say.
Her boyfriend leans over her shoulder to see what she’s looking at. “Yeah, I’ve read a lot about her online.”
She smiles at me.
I return to Ben.
“So, do you think Cole is a keeper?” he asks, his eyebrows raising. I see him inhale abruptly.
“I don’t know, I like him, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I saw your last article.”
Okay, where is he going with all of this? “And?”
“I’m just saying.”
“Okay, Ben. I have work to do, is there something you wanted to ask me?” I feel bad immediately. I mean, Ben is my friend. I just don’t know what he wants from me, really. This is all one big mess. We never should have kissed.
“I still think about that night I kissed you,” he admits, lowering his tone, glancing at the couple still browsing the store.
“Ben…” I start.
“Look, you don’t have to say anything. I still like you, Sof. It’s you. I want you.”
I bring my hands up to my temples and rub them slightly. He closes the gap between us, stopping just inches away from me. I can smell the minty scent coming from him as he exhales slowly.
I place a hand on his chest, stopping him from coming any closer. “I’m with Cole.”
My mind is swirling in confusion. I feel my palm pressed against his hard chest, knowing that if I ran it down further, I’d feel his contoured abs that dip low. I step back again. “You’re with Mel.”
I pull my hand away, shaking it as if trying to rid it of the heat that Ben flares inside of me.
“No, no, I’m not.”
“What do you mean? You were just with her a few nights ago,” I say bluntly with fascination. I’m shocked but relieved. I feel wrong for feeling this way.
The heat is building between us, the way his eyes meet mine. I wish I could peer into his soul and see it all for myself, his thoughts, his feelings. I must remind myself that I’m with Cole. This can’t happen between Ben and I. We missed our chance.
Ben drops his hands to his sides, making him look, I don’t know, almost hopeless. I expect him to come closer to me, but he steps back and makes his way to the small table, sitting down. “Things will never work out with Mel. There’s too much pain there from the past.” He starts picking at his fingernails, a habit of his that has always annoyed me. I walk closer to him. “I mean, I forgive her, and I’m over that part of my life. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t love her anymore.”
“Wow,” I say, stunned, not sure what to say to reassure him. “How did she react?”
“She saw right through me, through us. She knows I’m into you.”
I press my hands on the table beside where Ben is sitting, “There’s nothing going on between us, Ben.” I lean further into my hands, feeling it stretch my wrists.
“I know, but I want there to be.”
He looks up at me, straightening his body, and I notice the curve of his shoulders. He’s wearing green again. It brings out the color in his eyes. I shrug. He rubs the lines that are taking up residence on his forehead.
“I don’t know what to say, Ben. I like you too, but you should have told me this before.”
“I did, Sof. I told you when I kissed you.”
“I mean, you should have told me before I agreed to write the articles.”
He looks back down, seemingly defeated. “I tried, I tried so many times, Sofia, but there was never the right time. I didn’t want to lose you, and I feel like I am losing you.”
I push off the table, making a face. “Maybe all we are meant to be is great friends. You’re a good friend, Ben.” My stomach is in knots. This is all just so fucked up. I’ve really started to care for Ben, but I put my career ahead of us. Things just didn’t work out. The timing wasn’t right. And now I’m with Cole.
I haven’t heard much from him the last few days, but I know he is busy.
Something feels slightly off.
I feel the same disappointment I felt when Cole wasn’t there the morning after. Ben would never have left me. I close my eyes and shake my head. I’m with Cole, not Ben. So that’s a thought I cannot entertain.
My thoughts are in a state of turmoil.
He studies me for what feels like a long time. I feel the feels. I will them away and think about Cole. I’m starting something fresh with someone. I can’t stop it. I don’t want to stop it. But I care so much about Ben. I think of the heat between us, the laughs we’ve shared. Life is good with Ben, as a friend. It could be great as a couple, but do I want to risk throwing away what I’m starting with Cole? Ugh, I feel so torn and confused.
I’ve spoken to Miriam, and I only need to submit two more articles. Things are coming to an end. If I wasn’t with Cole, would I take a crack at it? I think back to his lips on mine, wandering down my neck.
“I’m sorry, I just needed to tell you,” he says, standing.
I glance at the clock. I feel like time has stopped. Like it’s only Ben and I in the room. I scan him, his face, those shoulders, the V that I know is under that dark green shirt. I see the shoes he’s wearing, the ones that I suggested he buy that time we were out. I run my hands through my hair, feeling awkward, like I’m not sure what I should do with them, until I realize my hair is clipped back, and I’ve just messed it up. I take the soft pink clip out and readjust it, peering at the mirror behind the counter.
“It’s just bad timing,” I say, seeing the hurt cross his face. He places his hands on his lower back and stretches.
“I think you need to be careful with Cole,” Ben says suddenly.
I scrunch my forehead. “Why are you saying that?”
“I don’t trust him, Sofia, and if I can’t be with you, I want you to be with someone good.” He places his hand on my arm and runs it down slowly. I pull away.
“Don’t do this,” I say, catching him off guard.
“What am I doing?”
“I turn you down, so you want me to bail on Cole? After a few shit dates, I meet someone pretty great, and you don’t like the thought of that.”
I sound egotistical as I say it, but I don’t care. I turn to the couple to make sure I’m not making a scene, and I catch them stealing kisses between the stacks of books.
“Whoa, come on, Sof, you really think I’m like that?”
I start to walk away from him. “I don’t know, just kind of convenient timing, you think?” His face flushes slightly. I feel awful. I think I’ve hurt him. “I’m sorr—”
“I gotta get back to the shop. Be careful, Sof,” he says and turns away before I can reply.
My stomach plummets as if I’ve just swung high on a swing set. I grab the counter to hold myself up a second as all the emotions of what Ben has just said hit.
Why is he warning me off of Cole? Is it because he is jealous or because things didn’t work out with Mel? I walk around the back of the counter as the girl approaches carrying a stack of books. I take them from her and start scanning them. He said he wanted the best for me. I think back to the party. Lucy or Briar would have surely noticed if something was off about Cole and told me.
I feel an emptiness inside of me I can’t explain.
The customer hands me her reusable bag, and I start stacking the books snugly inside.
Have I just been so desperate for a date to work out from the App, desperate for a good article to write, that I’m missing something that is going on with Cole? No, I refuse to let Ben flood me with insecurities. I’m happy, and Cole seems happy with me.
I say goodbye to the couple and rest my chin in my hands. I hear my phone ping, and I pull it out from under the pile of books next to me.
Cole: Thinking of you ;)
I place my phone down, not responding. See, he’s thinking of me. And he’s not afraid to tell me so, unlike Ben, who withheld his feelings for God knows how long. Cole’s good. He’s a good guy, I convince myself. I think back to our few dates and the way he looks at me. He may not make my heart jump like Ben does, but it’s close. It’ll come. I don’t know him like I know Ben, it only makes sense that it could take a little bit longer to feel those butterflies in the way I do with him.
I pick my phone back up and hit reply.
Me: Thinking about you too :) Want to come over tonight?