Chapter 5
Gavin
I made it all the way to Florida on a Greyhound bus before I started to second guess myself. I must have been high on fear and adrenaline when I made my decision, desperate to get away without going back to that place. What the fuck was I doing in Florida? I ended up in the right city, but I had no idea where I was going from there, and I didn’t even have a phone. That wasn’t the worst of it, though. The worst of it was me.
Why the fuck had I thought it was a good idea? I couldn’t just show up out of the blue, barging my way back into his life to ask for help when I had nowhere to turn. What kind of shit person did that? Besides me, of course, I was obviously that shit person. I was the destroyer of everything good in everyone’s lives, and that’s exactly what I’d do again. He was married. He was happy, he had his own life and probably never even thought about me anymore, despite us being so close until we were sixteen. I had no idea if his husband knew what we’d gone through back then or that I even existed, but I was pretty damn sure that either way he wouldn’t be appreciative of Caden’s ex rolling into town begging for help out of nowhere.
I hadn’t spoken to Caden since that day my dad walked in on us giving each other hand jobs in my bed. I couldn’t. I didn’t want my dad to kill him. I wouldn’t even look at him because it felt like tempting fate. I accidentally made eye contact with him on our graduation day in the crowded hallway, and he looked like he was about to try to say something to me, but someone else started talking to him, and then my dad was next to me, and I walked away.
Why, after eight years of not speaking, had I thought Caden would even want to help me? He probably hated my guts. If his husband knew about me, he probably did, too. It was, after all, my fault that Caden had ended up torn between being who he was and who he thought everyone wanted him to be. It was my fault he’d been scared shitless by my father and endured a trauma no kid should ever have to go through. My fault he’d hated himself for years.
It was ok if he hated me, because I hated me, too. I was the worst. I walked away from the bus station in a daze, with no sense of direction. I had my backpack on my back, full of everything that I owned, but did it matter? I couldn’t go to him. I couldn’t ask him for help. I couldn’t ruin his new life and happiness like I ruined everything else. I was a disease that tainted everything I touched. I wasn’t sure why I was still on the planet. I couldn’t really think of a good reason for it. What did I even do besides take up space and live in misery most of the time?
I wasn’t even sure how I got to the middle of the bridge, but I suddenly realized I was high above the water, and I stopped walking. I moved over to the railing, staring down at the water rushing far below, and my head tilted. Maybe there was one more option. One that wouldn’t hurt anyone. Well, it might hurt me for a second, but it was high enough that it would be quick. Caden could go on with his life, happy and at peace, never even knowing. My dad would find out, eventually, but that would just be one less thing he had to worry about. The only other person who may care a little bit would be Collin, but it would save him that worry, too. I doubted he’d care enough to cry, especially after what we’d done.
I was almost in a trance as I watched the water flowing. I didn’t even realize I’d stepped up onto the first bar of the railing, but I gripped the rail and leaned over the water like I was flying. My hip bone caught the top rail between my hands, and I felt free like a bird. Free for the first time in a long time. I could fix it. I could end the curse, stop the disease. Everyone would be better off, including me. Running off to Florida was probably the worst idea I’d ever had. And I’d had a lot of bad ideas.
The sound of loud engines barely registered, lost in my reverie as I stared at the water, until I heard them slow to a stop right behind me. Damn. Maybe I should do it quickly. Faster than they could talk me out of it.
“Hey, man!” The male voice was desperate, even though he was trying not to sound like it. “Are you ok? Do you need some help?”
I paused, still leaning over the water below. I’d been so close to ending my misery. I didn’t want to turn around, but ever the people-pleaser, I slowly straightened my upper body to standing and turned my head toward the voice. There were two guys on motorcycles behind me. The one who’d spoken was getting off his bike while the second was still shutting his off. The first guy had a backpack on, but he yanked his helmet off and looked at me, concern etched into every feature of his face. His very, very beautiful face. I wanted to smack myself. I didn’t need another Collin, not to mention another life to ruin, so I needed to get any thoughts like that right the hell out of my mind.
I knew it was quite obvious what I’d been thinking while I hovered over the railing of a bridge that size, but I still didn’t step down off the rail. “Nope,” I said, “I don’t need anything. I’m all good.” Just go away. Just leave me alone. You don’t know me, and you don’t need to, because I’ll just taint you, too .
The other guy had gotten off his bike but was still standing beside it on the sidewalk. He’d flipped his visor up but all I could see were worried brown eyes watching me. He seemed to be staying back in an attempt not to overwhelm me since the first guy had already advanced, but I noticed that he was still poised to move forward quickly if needed.
The pretty guy approached me slowly. He had a hand up as though imploring me not to move in the wrong direction. Why two random guys on motorcycles had bothered to stop was beyond me, because other cars were still passing by without a care, without even noticing me. The guy approaching me spoke again. “Look, I can see that something is wrong. Why don’t you take a step down here and talk to us?”
Because it’s none of your business , I wanted to say. What else could I say? My story was ridiculous and pathetic. I wanted them to leave me to it. They didn’t know me, why should they care? But again, my brain and body did not cooperate. They rarely did. I heaved a huge, overly dramatic sigh and stepped down off the railing. I stayed back against it, and he paused his movements as I attempted to close myself off.
He was holding both hands up by then. “Look, I don’t know what you’re going through, but it isn’t worth this. I promise. We can help you. Anything you need.”
I laughed in his face. I had no idea who he was coming at me with a promise like that. “Oh, yeah?” I said, my mouth taking over without any kind of permission from my brain, “Well, can you fix me being the biggest piece of shit to walk this earth? Can you stop me from breaking everything I touch? I’ve been hurting everyone around me since I was a teenager. I completely ruined my first boyfriend just by dating him.” Maybe they were homophobic. Maybe they’d kill me themselves, or at least lose interest and let me jump. “I watched him live in hell for years because of me and I couldn’t even talk to him. My dad hates me. He’d do anything to change who I am, because I’m an embarrassment to him and he’d love it if I wasn’t around anymore. I lost all my friends along the way. The only one I had left? I ruined that, too. I let him use me and drop me, only for my dad to immediately take away literally everything I had, everything I worked so hard for, even if it wasn’t much. I have nothing and no one .”
They were still listening to me despite the word vomit I’d just spewed, and to my disappointment I didn’t see judgment in their eyes. The one in front of me looked a little heartbroken, and the brown eyes were still watching silently. I went on. “So when I’m completely down and out, with nothing left, what does my asshole self decide to do? Run from North Carolina down here to my fucking ex, the one I ruined and haven’t spoken to for eight years, and beg him for help. What the fuck was I thinking? He’s happy. He has his own life. I don’t want to do anything to hurt that. I won’t bring my disease into his life now that it’s finally perfect. Like I said, I destroy everything good, and I will not destroy everything he’s worked for. So what the fuck am I doing? I can’t ruin anymore lives. I can’t !”
I didn’t mean to let my emotions get the best of me, I didn’t mean to say so much, and I certainly didn’t mean to yell the last part, but as I spoke I whirled back around and slammed the palm of my hand into the railing. I stared down at the river without trying to climb again. I knew they wouldn’t let me as long as they were standing there.
I startled a little when a hand touched my arm, but I wasn’t really surprised. I couldn’t cry in front of two complete strangers. I didn’t cry in front of anyone, not since they’d made me cry in that room. I kind of felt like crying, though. I stood still, trying to ignore the gentle hand on my arm.
“Hey,” he said. His voice was deep but soft, pretty like the rest of him. “I know that it probably really does feel like that, like you mess everything up. But your mind is lying to you. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there, too, but not everything is your fault, ok? You aren’t destroying everything like you think you are. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. It sounds like you had nowhere else to turn.”
“Why the fuck would he even want to help me, anyway?” I said, “I almost got him killed just for liking me. Then I stopped talking to him completely. I wanted to protect him, but I know I hurt him. He hasn’t seen me in almost a decade. Just showing up out of nowhere was a dumb idea. One of the dumbest I’ve ever had. I should have at least tried to talk to him first. Just because he’s at a place I thought might help me long enough to get on my feet again, it doesn’t give me the right to come in here and fuck everything up.”
The guy looked completely confused when I finally gave in to his prodding to turn around, but he still looked like he cared, and like he was hurting for me. Why the fuck would he care? He said, “Hey. Listen to me. Please. You aren’t fucking everything up, you’re trying to make it. You’re doing everything you can. That’s because you’re a fighter, I can tell just from talking to you. And this isn’t what you really want.” He motioned to the railing. I wasn’t sure I believed him, because right then, it sure felt like it was.
The other guy, brown eyes, spoke up. Those eyes were patient, and they seemed somehow less confused than the first’s. His voice was calm and gentle, and no less caring than the pretty guy. “Come with us,” he said, “We can get you where you need to be.”
Well that was cryptic . How the fuck would he know where I needed to be? Were they going to take me somewhere to off me? Did I really care?
The first guy had the backpack on that looked kind of heavy, so brown eyes motioned to the bike beside him. “I’ll give you a ride. I’ll get you there safely. I promise.”
I had no idea what I was thinking, but I finally gave another sigh and pushed myself off the railing, walking over to his bike. I didn’t really care if I got there safely or I was riding to my death, so what did it really matter? My only other choice was down, and they’d managed to talk me out of that for the time being. Brown eyes climbed onto his bike and started it, and I slowly climbed on behind him as he flipped his visor back down. The pretty guy got onto his own bike and pulled his helmet back on, glancing at his friend as he started the bike. I awkwardly tried to hold on without seeming inappropriate because he knew I was gay and I didn’t want him to think I was hitting on him or something.
Right before we took off, he spoke. I heard, “Hold on,” then there was another word. I could have sworn he said, “Gavin,” but I was pretty sure I hadn’t said my name, so I must have misheard.
I wrapped my arms around his upper torso, and we took off. I had to admit, the ride was actually fun. It was freeing, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt the way I did as the wind hit my face and the cars and buildings rushed by. I could really get used to a motorcycle. I knew I’d better not get used to enjoying anything, though, because the other shoe was always right there, waiting to drop.
We flew through the city, but I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t sure if the guy was really that careful while still speeding on the bike, or if I just didn’t care if something happened. Either way, I felt a little better by the time the ride was over. At least until I looked up and saw the building we pulled through a security gate and came to a stop in front of. The building with a sign above it that said, “Pride of Lions Youth Center.” What the hell? How did they know where I’d been trying to go? I climbed off the bike slowly, staring open-mouthed at the building, a million questions at the tip of my tongue that just wouldn’t come.
The pretty guy had gotten off his bike and removed his helmet, sliding the backpack off to carry it in one hand. “I think we can help you,” he said, “I work here, and he volunteers. There are a lot of resources here, including a place to stay and people to talk to.”
“How…” I started, because there was no way there was a coincidence of that magnitude in my life. Things didn’t just work out for me, so the other shoe was definitely about to drop. The guy whose bike I’d just been on had climbed off and put down his kickstand, and he was pulling off his helmet. He looked over at me after he did, and I was pretty sure my eyes almost fell right out of my head. Holy. Shit . I’d just accepted a ride to my ex-boyfriend’s youth center on the back of his husband’s bike. Did he know?
He must have noticed the look on my face, but he didn’t comment on it. He just gave me a little smile and motioned for me to follow him. I trailed behind him warily, the pretty guy following along behind me. As soon as we were inside, the guy my arms had just been around on a crotch rocket called out, “Caden! Get out here, there’s someone here to see you.”
We were standing in a cozy waiting area, and now the pretty guy looked as confused as I’d felt a few minutes earlier. Caden stepped out of an office, looking older and more polished than the last time I’d seen him. He was smiling at the guy who’d just given me a ride, no questions asked, the guy I was now certain already knew who I was yet had still brought me right to his husband for help.
Caden walked toward him like he was going to give him a hello kiss, but he glanced in my direction. After a double-take, he stopped in his tracks. I wanted to shrink into the wall. I wanted to hide. I had no idea how he would react, but probably not as well as his husband had. “ Gavin?” he said but seemed unable to say anything else.
His husband, Jamie , spoke up. “He needed a ride. He needs…some help. Go talk to him. I’m going to go check on the kids. I promised Xavier I’d buy him ice cream if he won Mario Kart this time, and he said he’d do dishes if I won. I’m going to go kick his little punk fourteen-year-old ass at it. He thinks he knows who he’s dealing with, but he doesn’t.” Jamie grinned and headed for another room. Caden chuckled, but then his eyes immediately went back to me.
“Wait,” the other guy from the bridge spoke up, “You guys know each other?”
I glanced at him, defeated by that point. “You remember that ex I was talking about on the bridge?” I watched it click in his eyes. The irony of how it happened was ridiculous and completely on par with my life. At least Caden had married someone nice, which made me even more sure I should get the fuck out of there before I painted everything with my bloody mess of a life.
Caden wasn’t stupid, and he never had been. I realized I’d used the wrong choice of words, because he picked up on them immediately. “On the bridge?”
I stammered and that pretty guy tried to help me out. “He looked like he needed a ride, so we stopped to talk to him. He was headed somewhere…I guess here.” He looked back at me. “I’m Nick, by the way. Nick Glass.”
I heavily avoided Caden’s eyes that were currently attempting to bore into my soul. I looked at Nick’s pretty, dark blue ones instead. “Gavin Crossley,” I said softly.
“Gavin,” Caden said sternly, forcing me to look at him, “Let’s go talk in my office.” He didn’t sound angry, but he left no room to argue. My eyes dropped to the floor again as I followed him to the room he’d just come out of. I was pretty sure I’d already ruined his entire day, and it was still early.
As we neared Caden’s office, I heard a young, gleeful laugh from the other room, then another voice said, “Fuck!” There was a pause, then the voice that had cursed said, “You did not hear that.”
“No, I definitely heard it.”
“You heard nothing. I said frick. Now stop being smug and tell me if you want chocolate or cookies and cream this time.”
Caden, despite the seriousness on his face, laughed. “Jamie, stop betting against him,” he called into the room, “You lose every time.”
“I really thought I had it this time, Caden, I’ve been practicing. Leave me alone.”
Caden snickered and shook his head, then held the door open, motioning me inside. I slunk into the room feeling like I was back in high school and had been sent to the principal’s office. I dropped my backpack beside a chair, then dropped myself into the chair because I suddenly felt too exhausted to stand.
He walked around the desk. The office was very much Caden’s , even though I hadn’t known him for eight years. There were hockey trophies on the bookshelf. It was cozy and welcoming, not stuffy like a principal’s office. There were pride flags of all kinds in various places and a sign on his desk that said, “You’re welcome here.” I wished I’d known an adult like him when I was a kid. Instead we’d both been traumatized by the primary adult in my life.
“What’s going on, Gavin?” The sternness was gone and all that was left in his voice was concern. He knew me, at least he had. He knew I would never have ran to him for help if I didn’t need it badly. Even I couldn’t reconcile showing up at his doorstep with my personality.
“I…I, uh, couldn’t think of anywhere else to turn. I’m so sorry, Caden. I should never have come here. I wasn’t trying to disrupt your life. The more I thought about it the dumber it seemed, and I tried to tell them that. I just thought you might let me stay here for a little bit and work for you until I could get on my feet, but the whole thing was a terrible idea. I’m scared, and if I’m scared, then why the fuck did I come to a shelter full of helpless teenagers to put them at risk along with me? It was a selfish and dumb idea all around, and I’m the worst. I need to go. I’ll leave you alone. I’ll find somewhere. I’ll be ok, I always am. I’m really sor-”
“Gavin, knock it off.” I jumped and shut my mouth when he interrupted me. “God, you were always letting your intrusive thoughts get the best of you to the point you wouldn’t let anyone get a word in edgewise when you went off down a bad path. But stop. Good lord. I need you to tell me what happened. And why the fuck it sounds like they found you on a bridge. I know Jamie and Nick. They don’t drive slowly, and a random person walking across a bridge wouldn’t have attracted their attention. Someone who looked like they were thinking about jumping off the bridge, now that would have stopped them. I’m not stupid, and you know it. Talk to me.”
I looked away and tried not to reply. “Gavin.” There was that no-arguing tone of voice again. He must have acquired that with his management position, because he certainly hadn’t been so confident back when he was my best friend.
I sighed and looked in his direction but not in his eyes. “Look. I told you. I got here and realized I’d made a mistake. I really didn’t know where else to turn, and I was upset. They stopped and started talking to me. I had no idea they were bringing me here. I mean, what are the odds? I could only see your husband’s eyes, and I had no idea whose bike I was getting on. They wouldn’t leave me alone until I went with them, insisting that they could get me somewhere that could help me, even though Jamie was the only one who knew he was taking me to the place I’d come here for. I shouldn’t be here. Just my presence here is putting everyone in danger. I need to go.”
I started to stand, but he suddenly became unprofessional Caden again. “For fuck’s sake, Gavin! Tell me what the fuck happened that brought you here in the first place!”
I dropped back into the chair and my eyes dropped to the floor. “I…everything happened. All at once. My dad caught me fucking my friend. My straight friend. My only friend, who told me the same night that we needed to stay away from each other for a while, because I bent over for him and he freaked out after.” Caden knew Collin, so I wasn’t going to name him.
I went on, “My dad has obviously suspected for a while, because he’s been lying to everyone. He made sure I had nowhere to go but back to him so he can send me- he took everything , Caden, I never had much but I worked hard for it.” I knew I was growing emotional, and I was struggling not to say too much.
Caden’s eyes darkened in anger that I knew wasn’t directed at me as I continued. “He destroyed it all, my entire life, in one fucking night. He took my car, my job, my apartment . My life might have been shitty, but I was doing it on my own until he managed to take everything away from me again . I had to get out before he realized I was leaving, so I destroyed my phone and took some clothes and headed for the only person left in the world that I thought might understand.”
I thought I heard a sound behind me, but I was too far gone to bother looking as I went on, “But then when I got here, I realized how selfish I was being. It was the worst decision in so many ways. I’ve watched you, you know. It made me so happy when you were finally happy again. Watching the two of you, it made my own life more bearable, because I knew I hadn’t completely ruined everything. But then here I come, eight years later, with all my problems, right back into your life like the asshole I’ve always been. I cannot stay here. My dad is going to be so pissed when he realizes I’m gone, and I refuse to put the people here at risk with me. I won’t do it. So I need to go.”
I realized the sound I’d heard had been the door opening when I heard a voice behind me say, “Then you can stay with us.” Caden glanced at the doorway, but he didn’t speak. He looked back at me but still didn’t correct the statement. I turned to find Jamie standing there, Nick right behind him. Jamie gave me a little smile. “Sorry for eavesdropping, we just wanted to make sure you were doing better than you were when we met you. But I mean it. You can stay at our apartment. I promise we have plenty of safety measures in place.” He got a distant look in his eyes, and I knew why. The guy had been kidnapped by his stalker and held in the woods for weeks. I was sure it was hard not to live in fear after that, for both of them. They were obviously pushing through it, but it had to be at the back of their minds constantly. That was even more reason not to stay with them, though. I would not bring more trouble right to their door. Caden had already experienced my father. I wouldn’t let it happen again.
I shook my head and looked back at Caden. “No,” I said, “If he figures out I came down here you’ll be the first person he’ll look at. He’ll follow me right to you and Jamie. I can’t do that.” I moved to grab my backpack. I had enough money for a night in a shitty motel. I could figure out what to do in the morning. Or what not to do.
“Then maybe you should stay with me.” Every one of us turned to look at Nick. He glanced around at all of us and shrugged. “It makes more sense. I have a spare bedroom, but Jamie and Caden don’t. I was thinking about getting a roommate, anyway, mainly because I’m tired of being there alone. You can help me with rent, eventually, whenever you find a job and get back on your feet. It’s a win for everyone. Plus, your dad has no reason to look for you at my place like he would at Caden’s.”
All of them were looking at me. Was this guy out of his mind? He didn’t know me at all, and he definitely didn’t understand what I was bringing with me. “I mean, I really can’t do that. I appreciate the offers, but I’ll find a place to stay…”
“Seriously,” Nick added, “It would save me from looking for a roommate. I know I don’t know you, but Caden does, and he and Jamie just offered to let you stay with them. That tells me all I need to know. I don’t need rent right away. You have plenty of time to find a job.”
What was wrong with these people? I’d just told them I ruin everything. They didn’t know me, not really. Caden had, eight years ago, but a lot had happened since then. He didn’t know what my life had been like, the choices I’d made, what he was really dealing with. And yet, all of them were willing to take in my pathetic ass? They had no idea what they were doing. I couldn’t bring all my troubles on them. “I just really don’t think it’s a good id-”
Caden spoke up again. “Come on, man. His apartment is haunted. He comes in freaked out every day. He needs a roommate for reasons other than money.” There was a hint of amusement on Caden’s face, and I looked back to see that Nick was grinning.
“I mean it,” Nick said, “You won’t be putting me out. I have a whole extra bedroom I don’t use. My apartment has plenty of security, inside and outside. It’s kind of depressing being there alone. It’s really starting to get to me, and that’s the only reason I was thinking about a roommate.”
I wasn’t sure if he somehow knew the last part of his statement would do the trick, but it did. I knew how it felt to be lonely in your home, to have no one. I knew how it felt when that aloneness weighed on you. I looked into that beautiful guy’s eyes. I supposed that working at the shelter meant that they all had bigger hearts than most. I wasn’t sure what Nick did there, but I was pretty sure that whatever it was, he could have made more money doing it somewhere else yet chose the shelter. He was right, my dad would have no reason to look at his place. And a nasty, bedbug infested, available-by-the-hour motel didn’t sound all that appealing.
Nick was looking back at me, almost…hopefully. I still hesitated. “Are you…are you s-”
He spoke up before I even got the word out. “I’m completely sure. And that way you can stay and help me in the kitchen today. We’re going to need help with the dishes, since Jamie lost his bet.”
Jamie scoffed and shoved off the wall he’d been leaning on. “That’ll do, Nick. I almost had him, anyway. I’m pretty sure he’s cheating somehow.”
Nick laughed as Jamie made his exit. Then he looked back at me. “I’m here until a little after six, when they get dinner. You can help me with dinner, too, if you want. I can use all the help I can get. Then you can ride home with me.”
The thought of being on the back of his bike made my heartrate pick up. I tried to calm myself. Just because he worked there didn’t mean he was gay. It also didn’t mean that even if he was, I should act on any kind of feelings, because he definitely didn’t deserve to be ruined by me. He’d never be interested, anyway. He’d just found my homeless, desperate ass hanging over the railing of a bridge. I had nothing to offer him.
I’d be careful. I’d stay with him until I could find some work and a shitty apartment, just like I’d had in North Carolina. I’d pay him for letting me stay there, then he could find a roommate who was worth keeping. I’d keep going, just like I always did. It was all I could do. It was all I’d ever done.