The Day I Found Him (Lost and Found #2)

Chapter 14

Nick

I t was tentatively the happiest I’d ever been in my life. Happy because, well, everything was great if I ignored the stuff in the background. Gavin was great. He was everything I’d ever wanted. I’d thought I might never again have feelings for anyone, that I’d never be willing to risk opening up to another person after Gabriel shit on my heart, but when I met Gavin, everything changed. I finally found someone to share my bike rides with. To share Hawaiian pizza and laugh at movies with. Someone I was almost completely relaxed around, instead of worried he’d say something about how I looked different than I had ten years ago. Not to mention the sex was mind blowing, even though I had to push away the worry that I was hurting his mind every time we did it. He continued insisting I wasn’t, and I trusted him. I trusted him more than I’d ever trusted Gabriel and I hadn’t even realized how little I trusted him back then.

My happiness was tentative, though, because I was always aware that Gavin felt he was putting me in danger by being with me. I knew what he’d been through, but I had proof after those messages that they were actually after him and they weren't messing around. It wasn’t just Gavin’s own mind and fear getting the best of him. The messages had been more than clear, even though I’d spent the past couple of weeks trying to pretend they didn’t exist because I still got insecure when I thought about some other guy telling Gavin their fuck in a tattoo parlor had meant something to him. Too. Which meant he at least thought it had meant something to Gavin.

Gavin still had nightmares sometimes. Not every night, but too often. Some I woke him from, but sometimes he settled back down before I could. The times he said the word “hot” lingered with me, especially after seeing the scar on his leg. But then there were nights and stretches of nights when he seemed to sleep peacefully, and he was working up to talking to a therapist at the center. We’d already utilized the clinic, just to make sure we were both healthy even though I believed him when he told me something and I hadn’t been too worried about STD’s, anyway.

He volunteered at the center a lot when he wasn’t working. The kids loved him, and he loved them, too. He seemed to truly like helping, but sometimes I’d tell him he needed a day to himself. He never used the day exactly like I meant for him to, since those were the days my toilets were sparkling, my baseboards were clean, and even the inside of my refrigerator looked new again.

We went out together when we had a day off, and some nights after we got off work. He was still a little uncertain sometimes, and I was pretty sure he’d never been on a real date. He seemed to like nature, water especially, but just being outside seemed to calm his tumultuous mind a little bit. He loved the ocean, so we went out to the beach a lot, but he also enjoyed the hike we took through the woods. We took a picnic and yeah, maybe we made out after we ate, maybe I groped him, and maybe I got him off by stroking him through his jeans, but even his “dammit,” had no venom and he looked happier lately. Maybe as happy as I was.

◆◆◆

It was a Monday night when he checked his messages beside me again. I wasn’t sure if he’d purposely avoided checking them or just checking them around me. He seemed a little regretful he’d let me read Collin’s messages to him. I wasn’t sure which thing Collin had said that he wished I hadn’t read, but I was worried it was that word, too. I knew my insecurities were getting the better of me, and I did trust him, I just didn’t trust that it was really me he wanted, and that it wasn’t just some fleeting attraction to me because I’d helped him.

He stared at the new message for a minute, but he didn’t offer his phone up that time. He said it was another message from Collin, who knew he’d read his messages and wanted to know his whereabouts again. I did notice he didn’t reply. He just closed out his internet and cuddled up to me while we watched TV.

He had another nightmare that night. He said it hurt, and I could hear the tears in his voice. I was able to wake him up pretty easily that time, and he grabbed hold of me as soon as he focused on me. I held him tightly and he cried on my chest, but we didn’t talk that time. He finally went back to sleep after a long time with me rubbing his back and holding him. I hated all of them, everyone who had any part in what they’d done to him. Everyone who had messed with his head and hurt him and made him think he was the bad guy.

I also wasn’t fond of that Collin guy, who seemed to be trying to get back into his life after he fucked Gavin then immediately told him they shouldn’t talk anymore. Gavin had let the guy use him to figure himself out, and in my opinion, he was just another person in Gavin’s life who’d fucked with his head.

Gavin thought Collin was lying about his motives, but I still didn’t like it. I knew part of it was jealousy, even if I didn’t want to admit it. They’d been friends a long time, and Gavin had a crush on him the whole time. I wasn’t sure if Collin was telling the truth about everything or not, but if he managed to get in the picture again, I wasn’t sure I’d hold a candle to him. Was he my next Jace? I almost couldn’t handle the thought. Losing Gavin would already hurt more than losing Gabriel had. I was still trying to figure out who Collin was on social media so I could see what he looked like, but it was hard to do when Gavin was usually right beside me when I wasn’t busy.

Gavin went to work Tuesday, and there were more pressing things on my mind that morning than his old friend with benefits. I’d been trying not to say anything to anyone, because I didn’t want to do anything to break his trust, but with the nightmares and what Collin had told him, it had gotten to the point I felt like I’d be breaking my promise of protecting him if I didn’t get any answers. I got to work early and barged into Caden’s office. “I’m going to need you to remember everything you can about your church in North Carolina and that youth pastor we talked about.”

Caden stood up, instantly concerned. “What? Did Gavin say something?”

“Oh, yeah, he did. I don’t really know how much to say here, but what I was starting to suspect he went through…I was right.”

Caden was aghast. “Are you serious? His dad really sent him to conversion therapy?”

“Yes. He did. And it wasn’t just some counseling in an office or even some crazy exorcism shit, although I’d be willing to bet the exorcism part happened. You know those torture chambers you hear about that they used to call conversion therapy? Well, they still exist, Caden. Things most of us thought never happened anymore. So with that being said, I’d like to know more about this church and youth pastor.”

Caden sat back down, looking nothing short of horrified. He furrowed his brow. “Man, I haven’t thought about that place in so long. The pastor was older but not elderly. Late fifties, early sixties when Gavin and I were teenagers. The youth pastor was young. I only went to his class occasionally, because my parents wanted me to. All of them talked about gay people sometimes. They said being gay was a sin and gay people were going to hell. Gavin’s dad was a deacon there. Gavin always sat alone near the front where his dad put him. He always looked miserable, but he wasn’t allowed to sit with me or any of our other friends even when we were all close, because his dad was afraid we would disrupt the service and cause him embarrassment.”

Caden looked at me. “That was pretty much his dad’s whole deal. Don’t do anything to embarrass him or make him look bad. Then Gavin ended up being gay, the worst possible embarrassment in his dad’s mind. I fucking hated how I knew his dad treated him after our whole thing. I knew he fucked Gavin up, but I never really thought about him taking it as far as conversion therapy.”

He sighed. “And then, after everything we went through, our friends turned into my friends. They didn’t know what happened, but they all took my side. I’ll admit I was hurt by him. I mean, I knew why he was ignoring me, but it still hurt as a sixteen-year-old, you know? Of course, I also didn’t want his dad to hurt him, so at the same time, I understood. It’s hard to explain, and the whole thing is complicated, but there are a lot of things I wish had been done differently.” Caden looked at me. “I think Gavin and I are overdue for a real talk, honestly. That wouldn’t bother you, would it?”

I was taken slightly by surprise. “Of course it wouldn’t. I think you should.” While I did appreciate that he was thoughtful enough to check, it was something I’d been thinking needed to happen for a while.

Caden grinned. “Just wanted to make sure,” he said, “You guys seem like you’re getting on pretty well.”

“Very,” I said, then blushed a little.

He chuckled, but then got serious again and went back to the conversation we’d strayed from. “Ok, let me really think. The youth pastor. I can’t remember his first name because he went by Mr. Kolders at church. I think he was maybe twenty-four by the time I stopped going to that church altogether, when I was around seventeen. He was tall, kind of imposing, but he did seem like he cared about the teenagers at the church.”

I couldn’t stop the snort. Caden raised an eyebrow curiously but continued, “He’d just graduated from whatever bible college he went to when he showed up. He was there a couple years before I left. He had a wife; they had a baby. She wasn’t very personable. She was always there but didn’t seem to care about the kids in the class. She didn’t seem interested in anything, to be honest, including her husband. She only spoke to correct him and nitpick. I never really liked her. Kolders knew Gavin’s dad pretty well. He worked part time with the sheriff’s department. He wasn’t a cop, but he did something there. Maybe he was a jailer? I didn’t really care at the time so it's not something that stuck with me.”

I remembered the message from Collin. I don’t know who he is, but he had a badge . “Did this Kolders guy seem to have a particular interest in Gavin?”

Caden eyed me. “I don’t know. I didn’t go to the class that often, and Gavin pretty much stayed away from me after we broke up. It’s not something I ever noticed, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.”

“This fucker was attractive, I’m assuming.” I knew there was a bitter edge to my words, even I could hear it.

Caden leaned back in his seat and narrowed his eyes in scrutiny. I knew I was giving away more than I’d planned to, but I was pissed. And I was scared. I wanted to find Kolders and let him know he couldn’t touch Gavin anymore.

“He was,” Caden said slowly, “Not going to lie. He was definitely good-looking.” He paused, but still eyeing me went on, “Look, Nick, I’m aware that Gavin is worried about people coming after him. I knew there’s a lot going on in his head, more than I can even understand, but I’m also doubting all his fear is paranoia. I know they probably fucked with him, and Gavin always had a bit of anxiety, but he was never irrational. I’d really like to know what’s going on. I want to know that you’re both safe. What did this asshole do to Gavin?”

I could see on his face what he was thinking. I sighed. “As far as I know, he’s not an actual rapist, but he is a terrible person, and he’s the absolute worst at running a place aimed at making people not gay.” I stood up. Caden was watching me with wide eyes. “I said too much. I’m just so pissed. I’m pissed about all of it. They fucked with Gavin’s head in so many ways. They hurt him physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I’m scared. For Gavin.” I paused, then added softly, “I really like him, Caden. I don’t want anything to happen to him, and I don’t want him to take off in fear, trying to protect me.”

Caden’s eyes had softened. “I know. I can tell you really like him. I haven’t seen you like you are with him since, well, ever, really. Not since I met you. And he really likes you, too. I can see that. I know he comes with…a lot…but I want you guys to make it. I’m going to have a talk with him. I won’t repeat anything you told me, I just want to make sure he knows he’s safe here. That you both have friends who care and will protect you. I hope you know that, too.”

I smiled. “I do.” I headed out of his office to start cooking.

◆◆◆

Once lunch was served, I took my food outside and sat down at a picnic table because I wanted to be alone. It was the first chance I’d had to snoop online without getting caught, and I was going to take advantage of it. I found Gavin’s Instagram page. I didn’t follow him because I knew he wouldn’t want anyone to associate me or our location with him, but his profile was still public, and I admit I got a little distracted by his page. There were pictures of his tattoos, mirror selfies, gym selfies, pictures of him with drinks in bars. He was so freaking hot I finally had to stop scrolling and remind myself why I was there. I clicked on his followers and searched the name Collin. There you are, Collin_Tattoo_King. I rolled my eyes at the name. Narcissistic much?

I clicked on his profile. He had a link to a separate tattoo page on there, but his proud ass still showed off a lot of his work on his personal page, too. I saw several of Gavin’s tattoos. My lip curled and I had to push away the possessiveness when I read the caption, “Got to tattoo my buddy again today.” And yeah, he was good at what he did, but did he have to be so arrogant about it?

I finally found a picture of him and clicked on it for a good look . Fuck . He was tall and covered in tattoos like Gavin. He had blonde hair that was shaved on the sides and longer on top. He had gauges in his ears and a snake bite piercing. His dumb face was perfectly symmetrical. Hot was the word I was looking for but trying to avoid. He was fucking hot as hell. I never should have looked. His body was perfect as he flexed in front of a mirror. He was probably at the gym seven days a week. He would be someone people would picture with Gavin. Not me.

I exited the app and sat my phone down, not really feeling like eating my lunch anymore. Did Gavin really like me? Or was I just the one who was right there? Did he really have feelings for me? His life had been so fucked up since he was a kid, I wasn’t sure he’d truly know them if he had them. Maybe he thought he did, but he didn’t, really.

I was so lost in my own head that I didn’t even hear Caden sit down. “Hey, you ok?” He had his own plate. He also had an uncanny knack for finding me when I was having an existential crisis. It never failed.

I sighed. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

He eyed me. “You don’t look fine. You thinking about Gavin?”

“Yeah, but probably not what you’re thinking I’m thinking about.”

“What is it, then?” I knew he wouldn’t believe me if I said nothing. He could tell every time I tried to gloss over the truth.

I sighed again, for effect. I pulled up the page and looked at it but didn’t show it to Caden yet. “So, he’s talked about his friend. The tattoo guy. Someone he’s been friends with for a long time and had a crush on for probably as long. A guy who is supposedly straight but obviously experimented with Gavin. The guy messaged him a couple weeks ago, and again last night. He said people are asking about Gavin, looking for him.”

Caden looked more concerned than he had even earlier. I hadn’t mentioned that part in our little talk. God, what kind of person was I? “I know. I…never mind.” I felt ridiculous for being worried about something so trivial when there were major problems going on at the same time. I felt like a real shitty person. How fucking selfish could I get?

“No, really, Nick. What is it? We’re going to circle back to that later, but I can tell there’s something else bothering you, too. We do have big problems, obviously, but it doesn’t mean other things aren’t important. I told you I’m worried about both of you.”

I hated that he could read me so easily, but I also kind of loved it. I didn’t really want to admit what was bothering me, but his caring meant the world. I knew he wouldn’t let it go, and he wouldn’t buy some made up bullshit I tried to feed him. “I…the guy told Gavin that it meant something to him, too. I know they fucked, and shortly before Gavin came here. Gavin thinks he’s lying about caring, because he asked where Gavin was in the same message. But I don’t think he is lying and even though Gavin didn’t tell me what he said last night, I think he said something to the same effect. And this…” I handed him the phone, “…is the guy.”

Caden looked at the picture, then looked back at me. “Nick,” he said dragging out my name, “I mean, yeah, he’s good looking, if that’s what you’re getting at, but are you seriously worried? I mean, have you seen the way Gavin looks at you? Because everyone else has.”

I looked away. Caden could probably never understand because he was who he was. He was a good person, and I knew he had his own insecurities, but he was also ripped like Collin. He was hot and had been a popular jock through high school and college. He couldn’t possibly know what it was like to feel like you were inferior not only to your boyfriend, but also to some guy who fucked him and declared that it meant something to him. “Caden, seriously. How can I even compare to…to that ?”

Caden forced me to look him in the eye. “Well, let’s start with what Gavin said. I’m getting the feeling you at least asked him about this guy. What did he say?”

I hesitated. “He, uh. He said Collin doesn’t compare to me. It wasn’t the first time he said that, I guess.”

Caden stared at me intently, as though to drive his point home. “And that wasn’t good enough to keep you from insta-stalking this guy?”

Caden also couldn’t understand my fear. He had Jamie. They had the most beautiful relationship I’d ever seen. I’d never seen such love and trust between two people, and I couldn’t begin to imagine what that felt like. Just like he probably couldn’t imagine what it felt like to have your heart ripped out and stomped on by the person you were supposed to be able to trust the most. “I just…I mean, look at him and look at me.”

Caden sighed and put down his fork. But he must have understood a little, because he said, “Look, Nick, I know what you’ve been through, but Gavin isn’t Gabriel. I know a lot’s changed since I knew him well, but I know what kind of person he is, deep down. God, I hate Gabriel for not only breaking your heart and making it hard for you to trust, but for making you so insecure on top of it. Seriously, have you looked at yourself lately? I’m going to start with this because it seems to be what you’re focusing on right now. Have you really looked in a mirror without letting his asshole remarks cloud your eyes? There is literally nothing unattractive about you. I mean, look at your damn face! It’s perfect. You have this whole, doe-eyed, boyish innocent thing going on when I know you aren’t.” He smirked, “We were all rudely awakened with proof of that the morning after Jeff’s party.”

I snorted out a laugh. He went on, “But seriously. You’re like, this beautiful person that has no idea how attractive he actually is. Do you know how many times I’ve heard from donors and volunteers things like, ‘the cute guy in the kitchen,’ ‘that pretty boy who cooks,’ ‘your hot chef.’ I don’t want you to start getting too good for us, but I think you need to know it’s something people notice.” He grinned at me, then went on, “And I know Gabriel talked shit about your body because you don’t look the same as you did in college or whatever, but Gabriel is a skinny little skank-ass prick.”

Caden paused and glanced at me, obviously afraid he’d gone too far. But there was no too far when talking about Gabriel with me. People could call him anything they wanted, and I’d probably just nod and agree. “Nick, there’s nothing wrong with your body. Nothing . You don’t have to be a fucking gym rat to be attractive. You don’t have to look like you did in high school because you’re a fucking adult. I wish you could see what everyone else does. You’re seriously the whole package. You need to stop being so hard on yourself.” That was easy for him to say, but I was still listening.

Caden went on, “Let’s get to the rest now. I went to school with Collin. He was cocky and kind of stuck on himself. I guarantee he was taking advantage of Gavin, even if they were both getting something out of it, and Gavin isn’t stupid. Collin was always kind of a player. I know before I came out I kind of had that reputation with girls, but that’s because I was never attracted enough to stay with one. Even if Collin is questioning, I doubt the whole player thing would change even if he decided to play for both teams. He isn’t a complete asshole of a person if you can ignore all that, but he’s not exactly boyfriend material.”

Caden looked at me. “And then there’s you. You come in to this place early and stay late for free because you truly care about these kids. I’ve seen you talking to them when they’re upset, and don’t think I don’t notice that you sneak in special treats and desserts when you know someone is having a bad week. You go above and beyond your job here and they all love you, because they can tell you care. You took in a stranger because he was scared and had nowhere to go. You stopped when you saw him on the railing of a bridge, because you could never have just driven by. You have a good heart. A kind and humble heart. One that sees the best in people and loves more than is ever required. I know you have a hard time seeing your good qualities, and that’s really sad, because there are so many of them. Let’s face it, if I had to choose between you and Collin, I’d go for you, hands down.” He grinned again.

I laughed. “Thanks, Caden. I just…it feels like Gavin is a caliber above me. And I don’t know how he’d really feel if the circumstances were different.”

“I’m pretty sure Gavin doesn’t feel the same as you about being above you. And I’m also sure that the circumstances, while they were what threw you together, aren’t the reason he’s attracted to you. I know there’s a lot going on in Gavin’s mind, we can all see that. But you’re the only one who can calm it. The trust he had in you already at that party, he was clinging to you like he was stranded in the ocean and you were his life preserver. You knew instantly what to do. You knew what was happening before any of us did, and you reacted immediately. He trusts you, Nick, and you might be the only person he truly does. He cares about you a lot, and everyone around you can see it. I think you should believe him when he says Collin doesn’t compare to you. I really don’t think he’s lying.”

I relaxed a little and started picking at my food. “Thanks for the talk, Caden. I needed it.”

He gave me a pat on the back. “Any time. But let’s go back to the part where people are looking for Gavin.” It looked like it was time to let him know what was actually going on.

◆◆◆

I got home before Gavin did and started dinner. I knew he was working hard, because that’s just who he was. He was a hard worker who wanted to do the best job he could at everything he did, and I’d seen that many times. I’d made a key for him, and security knew who he was, so I smiled when I heard the key turn in the lock while I stood at the stove.

I heard him stop behind me and glanced back to find him leaning on the kitchen doorframe, watching me. I grinned at him. “How was work?”

“Piece of cake. Laundry day is the easiest. Just running the machines and folding. A little tidying when I get bored. But Jeff isn’t nearly as messy as he used to be if Caden is to be believed. Either that or Amber just cleans up after him.”

I laughed. “So he isn’t a bad boss?”

Gavin chuckled and walked over to me at the stove, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. “Hardly. I barely even see him and when I do he usually offers me some wine or a mixed drink.”

I laughed again. “Sounds about right.”

“What are you making?” he asked me, inhaling deeply, “It smells delicious. Do you need any help?” Of course he would offer.

“No,” I said, “You just got home. Sit down and relax. I’m making jambalaya. Do you like it?”

He shrugged. “I’ve never had it.” I kept forgetting what a shit life he’d had. He went on, “If you’re making it I’m sure I’ll like it, though.” I couldn’t help letting that go right to my ego.

He elaborated a little allowing me one of the rare peeks into his past home life, “My dad made hamburgers and stuff on the grill sometimes when I was little. He bought a lot of frozen meals and frozen pizza. Sometimes he wouldn’t let me eat, though.” It wasn’t the first time he’d said something like that, but he moved on quickly again, “When I moved out on my own, I could barely afford peanut butter sandwiches and instant ramen. Sometimes I’d get frozen stuff, too. But it’s not like I tried a lot of new things, until I met you. You opened my eyes and now you’ve spoiled me.” He grinned, his arms still around me.

I touched his hand and smiled, too. “Well you don’t have to go without anymore.” Ever, if I had any say in it. I didn’t voice it, though.

He gave me a peck on the cheek and sat down like I’d asked him to. I stirred the food, lost in thought. I was pretty sure the “not letting him eat” part had just slipped out and he didn’t want to talk about it. I still wanted to know about his past, though, how he’d gotten to where he was. “Can I ask what happened to your mom?” I glanced back at him. I knew she'd been out of the picture for a long, long time but didn't know the details. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s ok.”

He propped his head up with his hand, his elbow on the table. “She took off when I was three. I barely even remember her. I do remember them fighting a lot, yelling and things crashing, because I was scared. I don’t ever remember feeling like she was a safe person to go to when I was afraid. I know she left because of him, but she left me there with him, so that tells me all I need to know. I don’t know where she is, and I don’t care.”

“I’m sorry,” I said softly.

He pivoted the subject with a shrug. I’d mentioned my parents, but only in passing. “What about your family? Are they around?”

“Yeah. I’m an only child, but my parents are still married. We have a good relationship. We talk on the phone and video chat a few times a month. I miss them, I wish I could see them more. They were always good to me, always accepting of who I was. I know I’m lucky. They just live far away, because Gabriel moved me away from everyone I knew, and I think he did it on purpose. I haven’t been able to see my family since we broke up. I mean, I can pay my bills and buy everything I need, but I don’t have extra money for a big trip like that, and they don’t either. I was never wanting as a child, but they aren’t rolling in dough.”

“Well, with me finally able to help with the bills, maybe you can save enough to go see them soon.” He looked ecstatic at the thought that he might help it happen.

I took the food off the burner and grabbed some plates. I turned toward him, deciding to take it a step further to see what he’d say. “Maybe, and maybe you could even come with me.”

He looked shocked for a minute, then stuttered, “I…you…would you want me to come with you, though?” He said it like he was some scourge of the earth, like he was an absolute dirtbag who I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with. Maybe Caden was right about him not seeing himself above me, but then, if he did know how amazing he was, would he still want me?

I filled two plates, grabbed some forks and took them to the table, placing his food in front of him. “Gavin, of course I’d love for you to come with me. I really like you. How do you not understand that?”

His cheeks turned slightly pink. “I do. I mean, I know you do. I just, you’re so perfect and I don’t really know why you put up with a mess like me.”

I sighed. “Well, I don’t feel perfect. I’m going to admit something to you, but please don’t get mad at me, ok?” He looked concerned so I went on, “I got on your Instagram profile today and looked up that guy, Collin.” He just looked confused at that point, so I went on, “I think he may have really caught feelings for you. I don’t know if he was lying in some of the messages or not, but that part, I don’t think it was a lie. So I looked him up. And when I saw what he looked like, I just…I don’t know how I’d ever compete with that. Especially when he was your friend and your crush for so long.” I kind of felt like crying and I already regretted mentioning it at all. But my heart was still fragile, and there was something about Gavin it trusted, even if it was to tell me truth I didn’t want to hear. “I just don’t…I don’t want to get hurt…” Fuck. Why did I open my mouth?

Gavin abandoned his food and scooted his chair noisily across the floor until it touched mine. He leaned in for a hug he knew I’d reciprocate. It was my turn to be the one who needed it. His arms around me were comforting, reassuring.

He had his head on my shoulder when he said, “I don’t care if he was telling the truth about all of it, Nick. I don’t want him. Maybe there was a point when I thought I did, because he was familiar, and I thought he was cute. But it was only ever a crush, and when I met you, I realized how different real feelings are. Because I haven’t had real feelings in a long, long, time, so long that I forgot what they were like. And even those, they were never like this. I didn’t even know what it could feel like. You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and you’re the only person who makes me feel safe. The only person I truly trust, and I didn’t even think that was possible at this point. You…you’re everything, Nick. I don’t want him. I want you .”

I squeezed him tight, trying hard not to cry at the dinner table, but for a different reason than only a few moments before. “You’re the only one I want, too,” I whispered. I gave him a kiss on the forehead, and he gave me another squeeze before sitting up.

He looked at me. “We ok?”

“Of course,” I replied, “We were always ok. Now try your food. I hope you like it. It’s a little spicy.”

“I like spicy,” he said. But instead of scooting his chair away he stayed beside me and pulled his plate over. He ended up telling me it was the best meal he’d ever eaten. He said that nearly every time I cooked for him, but I supposed if he was used to TV dinners and instant ramen, every meal probably was the best. Because I would admit that I was a damn good cook, and that fact couldn’t be taken away by even my own mind.

◆◆◆

Gavin insisted on cleaning up after dinner. I went into the living room and turned on the TV, waiting for him to join me. He came in a few minutes later and cuddled up to me on the couch. I could tell he wasn’t really paying attention to the show I’d put on, and that there was something on his mind. It didn’t take long before he was kissing my neck and rubbing my torso with his right hand that was continuously moving lower. “Don’t you know how bad I want you, Nick?” he whispered, “Can’t you see it’s only you?” And I guess I did see it, but I couldn’t even respond as he unbuttoned my pants and pulled the zipper down. His hand slid inside my boxers, and he gripped my cock, rubbing it as best he could in such a confined space. “Let me show you,” he said softly.

Well I certainly wasn’t going to stop him. He pulled at the waistband of my jeans, and I moved my hips up so he could pull them down with my boxers nearly to my knees then returned to his earlier position, running his hand up and down my shaft reverently. He glanced back at my face for just a second before descending down, licking the tip and drawing a little sound out of me, before taking me fully into his mouth.

Gavin could give a blowjob like nobody’s business. I knew that meant he’d had a lot of practice, but I didn’t care. His mouth was warm and amazing, and I leaned my head back on the couch and enjoyed the feeling. He took me all the way to the back of his throat without gagging, and swallowed before slowly, torturously moving up and down, making little sounds that made it seem like he was enjoying it as much as I was.

I had one hand on the back of his head gently, letting him do what he wanted. And what he wanted, apparently, was to worship my body, because that’s what it felt like he was doing. I knew my dick was leaking, because the only thing that felt as good as his mouth was his body. And the longer he drew out the movements slowly, the more I wanted all of him.

He hollowed out his cheeks suddenly and sucked, moving faster and almost making me come on the spot. He was making sounds that told me he might be able to come, too, and I watched the hand that wasn’t holding my dick steady slide down and palm at his crotch through his pants. I wanted more . And I wanted him to feel as good as I did. I pulled gently at his hair. “I want you, sweetheart,” I whispered. He moaned at that, he really seemed to like that I’d started calling him sweetheart. He bobbed his head a few more times before slowly, teasingly pulling off, letting his tongue tease the slit for just a second before sitting up and looking at me.

He maintained eye contact as he slowly pulled off his shirt. I knew how big an act of trust such a seemingly normal thing was for him. I didn’t completely understand it, but he had mentioned them making him undress during their “sessions,” in the torture camp he’d been to, and I had a feeling that had something to do with it.

I started to move to stand up, but he put a hand on my chest to keep me in place. He held my gaze as he stood in front of me, and I noticed the slight shake of his hand as he unbuttoned his pants and unzipped them, pulling them down and kicking them off. He hesitated for a barely noticeable second before removing his underwear. Then he climbed onto my lap facing me as he grabbed a bottle of lube from behind me that he’d obviously snagged from the bedroom on his way to the living room. I couldn’t stop the chuckle.

He started kissing me, straddling my legs from up on his knees as he handed me the bottle of lube. I let his tongue explore my mouth as I blindly lubed up my fingers and fumbled a little as I tried to find his hole. He had me nearly gone by that point, but I finally found my mark and slid a finger inside of him, moving it around as I tried to find his sweet spot from that angle.

He moaned into my mouth as I finally found what I was looking for, and I teased him for a minute before slipping another finger inside and scissoring them. I added a third and he let me finger him for just a minute before finally pulling away, putting some lube in his own hand and lubing up my dick, holding eye contact.

I ran my hands up and down his back, not even able to speak as he looked at me so intensely. When he finally let go, he pulled at my shirt, wiping his lube covered hand on it as he pulled it off of me and threw it to the floor beside us. I couldn’t even be upset about him putting the lube on my shirt because he was running his hands all over my body like it was something to be admired, even revered. I pushed away the thoughts of how different my body was from Collin’s, even from Gavin’s. “This,” he said, looking me up and down from my head to my dick standing at attention right in front of where he sat, “This is all I want. This is perfect. It’s so much more than what I deserve, but you still want me for some reason.”

He had me so far gone by then that I rushed forward and latched my lips to his neck. He moaned as his head fell back. When I pulled away I said, “No. You deserve the whole world.”

He put his forehead to mine and sat up on his knees, reaching behind him to grab my dick at the base and lining it up. He slowly sunk down onto it, biting his lip as he flinched a little bit but not stopping until he was sitting in my lap with my dick fully seated inside of him.

He started moving slowly, his forehead back against mine, still looking in my eyes as he rode me like I was the only person in the world he wanted. It was probably the most intimate I’d ever felt with him, and it was like he was trying to speak to me with his entire body. Like he was trying to tell me how he felt with his entire being.

He finally let out a moan and kissed me again, speeding up his movements as my hands caressed his back and then moved down to his ass and gripped, forcing another sound out of him as I stretched him even further while he continued to move.

I moaned, too, then moved my hands up to his hips, pressing him down and pulling him up in time with the rhythm he’d created. His hands were gripping my shoulders, his breaths coming out in gasps. “Mm, Nick.”

My dick twitched inside of him. He felt so tight and so good , and the way he moved had me mindless with pleasure. He was warm and amazing and everything I’d ever wanted. I started canting my hips up to meet him, unable to hold still even though my legs were starting to shake. “Fuck, Gavin, you feel so fucking good.”

He was out of breath, but he smiled. His dick was leaking all over my belly. “How good?” he managed to gasp, “How do I make you feel?”

“Mmm, Gavin,” I ground out, hips bucking upward into his every downward thrust, “You make me feel better than I ever have. You make me feel like I matter.” It was the last coherent thought I managed to get out. He leaned forward and kissed me again, and I felt my hold on my orgasm slipping even though he hadn’t gotten off yet. I tried to reach for his dick so he would come with me, but I lost the battle before I could even get my hand off his hip. My insides lit up like fireworks exploding and I shuddered, pulling his hips down again instead and thrusting into him hard. My dick was pulsing inside of him as cum exploded out of me and I shook through one of the best orgasms I’d ever had.

I was still semi hard, so even though he’d paused and was panting, he still needed release, and I pushed his hips to continue. I wanted him to get off, too, even if he was trying to make it about me. He made a little sound and started moving again, reaching for his dick and moving his hand in time with his movements as he rode me, getting faster as he tried to reach his end goal. I reached down and closed my hand over his, moving with him and drawing another moan out of him as I threaded our fingers together and jacked him off.

His other hand was gripping my shoulder, and his fingers tightened as he sped up even more. His legs were shaking, and he moaned out my name as his forehead fell back to mine. The sounds slipping out of his mouth were desperate, and his body finally shuddered as he coated both of us in his cum, his movements slowing. “ Nick ,” he said again, in a way that made it sound like I was the only person who’d ever made him come. Or at least, I was the only one who’d ever mattered.

I caught his mouth in a kiss, then he dropped his head to my shoulder as we both let go of his dick. My clean hand went around his back, holding him to me, and we sat there silently, still attached, for what felt like a long time. He finally sat up and my soft length slipped out of him as he shifted. He looked me in the eye. “Do you understand?” he asked me with a crooked smile.

I grinned and closed my eyes. “Yeah. I do.” I knew it didn’t mean I wouldn’t still be insecure, but I did hear what his body and soul were trying to tell me.

He smiled and stood, grabbing my shirt off the floor and using it to clean us both up, effectively ruining any chances of me putting it back on to cover myself up. I was starting to think he’d done it on purpose. He helped me pull my pants back up, then he stood in front of me again to pull his own pants back on. He did turn away that time, but he didn’t leave the room. He left his shirt off, too.

He sat beside me as we found a movie to watch, cuddling up to my bare torso with his knees drawn up and resting on my legs. His arms were around me and mine were around him. He had his head on my shoulder, and we weren’t even halfway through the movie when he fell asleep. I let him sleep there, just enjoying our closeness as I ran my hand up and down his arm feeling happier than I could ever remember feeling.

I felt bad for waking him when it got late, but he just stumbled along with me down the hall. I wasn’t sure he was actually fully awake by the time we made it to the guest room. To our room. The room I’d moved into fully with no regrets. He fell into the bed I unmade, and I helped him out of his pants and covered him up before removing my own and climbing into bed with him.

Even though he was all the way asleep again, I held him the way that seemed to somewhat combat the monsters that plagued him while he slept. The monsters who were real. The monsters who were looking for him. I’d never let them take him away from me. I’d be his life preserver forever if he’d let me.