The Day I Found Him (Lost and Found #2)

Chapter 15

Gavin

I loved helping Nick at the shelter on my days off. It felt like I was actually doing something useful, like I was helping those kids, too, even if all I was doing was washing dishes and mixing ingredients. One morning, though, Nick was particularly insistent that I needed to stay home and rest. Between working and volunteering I hadn’t had a day off in a week, and he said that was too much and I needed a break. I got a text from Caden not too long after Nick left for work, and the whole thing kind of felt like a set up.

Hey, It’s Caden. Can I take you out to lunch today? I have Nick’s approval. And Jamie’s. I’d just like to have a conversation with you. It feels long overdue.

Well, fuck. I couldn’t say I hadn’t been trying to avoid it, because I had. I knew I’d hurt him back then. I felt bad about it, and I knew we needed to talk about it, but I wasn’t good at talking, at explaining my feelings, or begging someone to forgive me when I feared they wouldn’t. He’d been nothing but nice to me since I’d arrived and had even offered to help me on multiple occasions, but that was just who Caden was. It didn’t mean we were copasetic.

I agreed to lunch with shaking hands, because I knew I owed him that much. I would allow him to get mad and yell at me if he wanted to, to question me, to tell me how I’d fucked up his life back then and how it had stayed fucked up until he’d finally found the person who’d fixed the damage I’d done. I deserved it.

We met at a cute little restaurant close to Nick’s place that had patio seating. We found a table near the back edge of the patio, away from the few other patrons who were there at the odd time of day he’d chosen. I guessed it was when he could get away from work. We ordered our drinks and then looked at the menu, even if I was partly using it as a distraction to avoid talking. I felt nervous and my palms were sweating even though he’d been my best friend for the early part of my life, and the first person I’d ever caught feelings for.

The waitress brought our drinks and took our orders, taking the menus and my only lifeline to distraction with her. Caden was looking at me from across the table, but I was heavily avoiding his eyes. “So,” he said finally, “how have you been all these years?” I finally looked at him, and he sighed. “Yeah. Dumb question. From the way Jamie and Nick found you, to everything else, I can deduce that you haven’t been doing great.”

I shrugged. “Really, I’d been doing ok lately. Until my dad caught me with a guy. Again. And he decided to spend a comparatively small amount of his time effectively ruining the life I’d taken years to build for myself, so that I’d have no choice but to go crawling back to him again and he could make me-”

Caden waited, but when I didn’t say anything else, he said, “Make you what, Gavin?” I glanced up at him. His brow creased as he looked at me.

“Nothing, Caden. Don’t worry about me. I don’t deserve it.”

I looked away again, but he moved into my line of vision, forcing me to meet his eyes. “Why do you say that?” he said, and he sounded nothing more than sad, “Why do you think you aren’t worth anything?”

Why didn’t he, of all people, understand? “Because I’m not! I never have been. All I ever do is mess everything up. I wasn’t a good enough kid for my dad to care about me or to keep my mom from leaving me with him. I wasn’t a good enough boyfriend to protect you from my dad. I wasn’t a good enough friend to just bottle up what I was feeling and never push you into something you probably weren’t even ready for. I not only messed up our relationship but your entire life . I’ve never been good enough for anyone to keep, never good enough for anything but a quick one off in a bathroom. I’ve never been worth loving. All I ever do is hurt people without meaning to. Everyone can see that besides one person, and I think he’s just blinded by pity.”

“Whoa!” Caden cried out, standing up and walking over to kneel in front of me so I couldn’t avoid looking at him. “Stop that. You’re talking about the person who was my best friend in the world. The person I trusted with my life and cared about more than anything. The first person I ever loved. So stop. Please. Listen to me, ok? You need to stop blaming yourself. I know why you stopped talking to me. Your dad literally said he’d kill me if he found out I’d talked to you. Yeah, I was hurt at first when you ignored me, because I was a dumb kid who simply didn’t want it to be the way it was. But I understood. You did care about me. I know that. We had something special, we had our first love, and yet you were willing to let me go because you didn’t want your dad to hurt me. It was me you were protecting and don’t think I don’t know that. I see you, ok?”

He wouldn’t let me look away. “You were my best friend for twelve years. We grew up together. I missed it so much. I missed our talks and looking at the stars, sharing our secrets, camping, and the trust we had. I missed all that as much as I missed making out with you. Your dad ruined everything. What he did wasn’t your fault. He hurt you as badly as he hurt me. I hated seeing you all alone because our friends stuck with me when I said I didn’t know why you stopped talking to me. Do you know how bad I’ve felt all these years for telling them that? I couldn’t just admit I had feelings for you, and I hated it even then. You have every right to be angry with me . You didn’t ruin me, Gavin, I did. I hid who I was because I was a coward. I’m the one who made my life what it was.”

He reached out and touched my arm. “Please stop blaming yourself for all my failures back then. If I’d spoken up, everything could have been different for both of us. I wish I had, but I can’t go back. I finally stopped blaming myself and let myself understand that I was just a scared kid who’d been told that the feelings I had were wrong. I found myself, though, didn’t I? I’m fine. I’m ok. And the times that I wasn’t weren’t because of you. And your mom? You have nothing to do with her leaving. She was a piece of shit just like your dad is for abandoning you with him. Your dad is an asshat who would rather die than be embarrassed. But just because he’s giant piece of shit doesn’t mean you ever failed him as a son. You toed the line for him. The only thing you couldn’t do for him was change who you were to fit his standards. You were literally the perfect kid. Cleaning, fixing stuff, getting good grades, always being polite and nice and quiet. I mean, what the fuck.”

My voice caught as I said, “You really aren’t mad at me?”

His eyes betrayed sadness. “No, Gavin. I’m not. I was never mad, I promise. I’m sorry it happened the way it did. I wish it hadn’t. I wish I could have fixed it. I’m sorry that you lost your friends and that you were hurting as badly as I was, but alone.”

“Caden, you don’t have to apologize to me. None of it was your fault.”

He looked me in the eye. “You’re right. I didn’t make your dad fuck with our heads. And you didn’t, either. Dammit, Gavin, all we tried to do was be something together. We never did anything wrong, but we were both punished for it, anyway. I never blamed you. Ok?”

I slowly nodded, trying to ignore my own mind and believe him. He went on, “And maybe the reason no one else has ever stuck around is because you hadn’t met the right someone yet. Maybe you’ve been looking in all the wrong places. It isn’t pity that Nick feels for you. Trust me. He’s a good friend. He talks to me. He’s very protective of you, yes, but I promise you. The feelings he’s harboring for you aren’t pity.”

He smiled at me, but his eyes were imploring me to hear him, to really listen to what he was saying. I leaned back in my chair. “I know. I mean, I guess I do.”

“Gavin, Nick is head over heels for you. I’ve known him for a while, and he’s never acted like he does when he’s with you. Just please. Don’t break his heart, ok? He’s a really good guy. And he really likes you. If you took off…it would break him.” Before I could respond, Caden stood up as we noticed our waitress coming with our food. He sat back down in his seat, and she placed our food in front of us and left again after asking if we needed anything else.

He looked at me over our food. “I think maybe you should talk to someone, ok? I know you have a lot of stuff you’re dealing with, and we have therapists who are there for this. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone.”

I knew he was right. I knew I needed help. My problems weren’t going to go away on their own. I couldn’t get rid of my past, and I couldn’t ignore it. It wasn’t fair to Nick that I woke up so often from a nightmare and he had to calm me. The bad part was, my problems wouldn’t fully go away even with therapy, because my problems were all looking for me. I started eating my food, though, and nodded. “Yeah. You’re right. I probably need to.”

“I’m always here to talk, too,” he added, “you know, if you just need a friend. I hate that you’re going through…whatever you’re going through. Nick said you have nightmares. And Jeff’s party…I know your dad did something and I don’t want you to suffer, thinking no one cares and you deserved it or something.”

He wasn’t being very subtle, and I knew Nick had probably already had a lengthy discussion with him. Caden was one of his closest friends and it wouldn’t be fair for Nick to have to carry my sorry ass on his own without any emotional support. I sighed. “He sent me to conversion therapy. But not like, the therapy kind.”

Caden’s nostrils flared, but he remained composed. He didn’t look shocked, but he said, “Did it have something to do with our church?” By then I knew Nick had talked to him.

“Yeah. The pastor ran it. And D- Mr. Kolders. Among others. Plenty of others.”

Caden looked heartbroken. “Gavin…do you want to talk about it?” I knew he was afraid he was going to throw me into another panic attack, and Nick wasn’t there to hug me.

I shrugged. “Not really.” I did. He was the only person in the world besides Nick who’d ever given a fuck about me. I’d missed my best friend for so long. “It doesn’t matter. I hate them all. I guess the whole story summed up is that they made me hate myself. They told me I was going to hell if the gay demon didn’t come out of me. They drilled it into my brain that sex with men was only pain and hurt and fear. And that part worked. It didn’t stop me from being gay, or horny as hell, though.” He already knew about the horny as hell part, anyway . “They fucked with my head enough that even though I still wanted sex and searched it out, it was something my brain always associated with the things they’d done to me there. I’d go back to that place every time, to where they’d hurt me. I had to learn how to overcome it and focus on being present in the moment every single time until…” I trailed off, realizing how far I’d let the conversation go without meaning to, and I wasn’t sure how much either of us wanted to talk about my sex life.

“Until Nick,” Caden put in.

I looked away and nodded. “Yeah. He’s the first person since my dad sent me there who’s ever made me feel safe. Like I could let go and just be .” Stop talking, Gavin, this is your ex-boyfriend .

Caden wasn’t affronted. “Because he is safe, Gavin,” he said softly, “I’m blown away by how much he cares for you. I would say something before I’d let you date someone I didn’t think was worthy of you, even after we’ve gone so long without speaking. But Nick would rather die than let anything bad happen to you.”

I looked down and focused on my food, mainly so my emotions didn’t overwhelm me. Caden was thoughtful for a minute, then said, “Gavin, when did this happen? Was it the summer before senior year?” How the fuck did he know that? He went on, “No one saw you all summer. We all saw each other around town sometimes, even if just at the store or passing through town. Our former mutual friends were asking where you were, but no one seemed to know. You were different when you came back. I thought maybe your dad kept you at home, just being an asshole all summer. But it was more than that, wasn’t it? They fucked you up.”

“Yeah. It was that summer.” I hesitated, but added, “And he’s threatened to send me back ever since. Even recently. There were adults there, too, and I think they were even harder on them. I…it fucked with my head in so many ways. I don’t think I could handle it again. I don’t think I’d be ok. There were so many aspects, physical pain, mental pain, humiliation, terror. Along with losing my virginity to one of the men supposedly hell-bent on curing me.” Might as well put it all out there. He fucked with my head more than any of them.

Caden looked appalled. “Was it to prove a point or something? Did someone rape you?”

“No. It wasn’t to prove a point. It’s because he’s fucking gay and liked the way I looked. And no, he didn’t rape me.” I put my head in my hands. “He never did anything without my consent. At least nothing sexual.”

Caden seemed to have lost interest in his meal. He leaned forward. “Was it motherfucking Kolders?”

I just nodded. Caden scooted his seat back. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“Caden, stop. Please. I told you, I wanted to. Everything we did was consensual.”

“You were seventeen, Gavin. He was what, twenty-four? Twenty-five? God, even though you were of legal age in our state, he was not only someone who’s supposed care you were under, but he was your teacher in a church setting. The ethics of it are enough to get him fired from every job he has. He had you at a huge disadvantage and knew he could coerce you to bend to his will because you were scared and looking for help. I know you think you wanted it, but really, weren’t you confused by his conflicting actions? Sleeping with you then telling you not to be gay? Are you still fucked up from him as well as from what happened?”

I nodded. I couldn’t deny it. “Right,” he went on, “Then it wasn’t true consent. Gavin, you should tell someone.”

I didn’t panic until right then. “No! No, I can’t! I can’t say anything. Please. I’ll talk to a counselor, but the cops, they all know them. They know both of them, my dad and Kolders. They won’t protect me, they’ll protect them . It will be even worse for me. I can’t. Please don’t tell me to report him, Caden. I can’t!”

Understanding dawned on his face. He reached out over the table and touched my arm again. “Ok, Gavin. Ok. I’m not going to make you do anything, alright? Just take a breath. It’s your decision to make, not mine. Breathe.”

I took a deep breath and imagined Nick’s face, his hug, his voice telling me to breathe with him, that everything was ok. I took several breaths in time with his imaginary ones. I finally nodded. “Ok.”

We managed to finish our lunch, and we redirected the conversation to less heavy things. Caden talked about college, about meeting Jamie and what a bumbling fool he’d been when they’d first started talking. He told me he wasn’t sure why Jamie had gone out with him in the first place and he had me laughing with him. I didn’t have much to talk about other than a shitty apartment and a job that had fired me, but I did manage to come up with some stories about people we’d gone to school with, and that feeling of friendship we’d had so long ago started shining through.

Caden walked me back to Nick’s building, refusing to let me walk alone even though I told him I’d be ok. “I’m sorry,” he said when we reached the doors, “for upsetting you. I was just angry for you and emotional. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.”

“It’s ok,” I said, “I know you were trying to help.”

“I’d really like for us to be friends again,” he said softly, “I really missed you. We lost everything that day.”

I nodded and managed a smile. “I’d like that, too.”

He hesitated but then pulled me in for a hug. A hug like we’d given each other when we had to separate for the night back when we were kids who made forts in the woods and ran around barefoot all day playing make-believe. Back when we were as innocent as we could be and just happy to be with our best friend. I hugged him back, struggling not to cry because, God, I’d needed to talk to him for so long. He asked me three times if I was going to be ok, and I promised him I was. He headed back to work as I walked inside.

◆◆◆

I straightened up Nick’s apartment a little bit and unloaded the dishwasher. I watched some TV. I wasn’t sure what to do until Nick got home. Even though I’d gone out for lunch, there was still a while to go. I looked over the books in the guest room. I straightened up a little more even though it didn’t need it. I glanced in the kitchen and thought about trying to make dinner for him, but I knew it would be a disaster. Maybe I could just order pizza and pay for it myself. I finally sat down in the living room and picked up my phone, logging back into Instagram.

Collin had sent me another message. I was still a little irritated after he’d sent me the last one asking where I was again and telling me that he wanted to see me, he’d made a mistake telling me we shouldn’t talk, and he was sorry. Against my better judgment, I opened the message anyway. The new message wasn’t him asking to know I was ok or where I was or talking about how confused he was. My entire body went numb as I read his words. Gavin, they know you’re in Florida. Something about someone pulling a credit report down there. I can tell you don’t want to hear from me, but I want you to know. I hope you get this.

Fuck! No ! It had to be one of the places I’d applied to work. That meant they knew what city I was in, and if they didn’t know who else was there, they’d figure it out quickly. When they realized I’d run to Caden, they’d find out about the shelter and Nick. My heart was pounding in my chest and my breathing shallowed out as my shaking hand struggled to hold the phone . No. No, no, no. They could not come here. They couldn’t find me here. I couldn’t go back. I wanted to stay here, with Nick. I was happy for the first time in so, so long. They couldn’t take me away.

My phone dropped to the floor, and I slid down with it. I felt hot all over, and I couldn’t breathe. Tears burned my eyes, and I was pretty sure I was gripping the couch beside me, because my hand hurt, but I didn’t care. I struggled not to hyperventilate, trying to remember how Nick would tell me to breathe with him, for what seemed like an eternity. It was probably only minutes, but I couldn’t tell. I didn’t hear the door open, but his voice did break through my panic. “Gavin! Gavin, what happened?”

Suddenly the only hands that could calm me were there, and my mind recognized them instantly, even if I was still in a haze. He was helping me back onto the couch, and I struggled to focus on his worried face. “What is it?” he asked me desperately as his hand wiped away the tears I hadn’t realized were falling.

“I…” I couldn’t tell him. It was my problem, not his. I knew he’d do something stupid to protect me, and I couldn’t let him. Caden’s words echoed in my mind. Nick would rather die than let anything bad happen to you. My dad would kill him if he got in the way. Probably if he knew we were together. I couldn’t let him know. I had to play it off. I just shook my head, unable to form words, let alone come up with a plausible excuse for my panic attack.

He hugged me fiercely, and I clung to him. “Gavin, I don’t know what upset you, but I’m here. I’m right here. I won’t let anyone hurt you, ok? I promise. I’m not living without you. Not now. I can’t.”

I pulled back a little bit and looked him in the eye, even though my breathing still wasn’t under control. He just said he couldn’t live without me .

Nick looked back, his thumb gently tracing over my face. “Are you ok? Breathe with me, sweetheart. Please.” I loved it when he called me sweetheart.

His scent and touch and voice calmed my mind and racing thoughts. I took a few breaths with him to humor him. I wondered again how the hell someone like him had fallen for someone like me. I fell back into his embrace because I needed it. He was the only safe place I’d had since my brain had been all twisted up by them. The only person who truly understood everything about me and still cared, still wanted to protect me from all of my monsters.

“I’m here,” he said, gently rubbing my hair, “We’re all here, ok? I want you to know that. You have me. You have friends here. You’re safe.” I knew they couldn’t really protect me, not when it came down to it. But I’d take the safe feeling of his arms while I had it. Because Nick’s arms…I’d never been in a happier place.

◆◆◆

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had a bad dream, but not a memory, and not one that had woken Nick. I dreamt my dad found me, that he found me, and they took me back. I gazed at Nick’s sleeping face in the light that seeped around the curtains with the knowledge that the dream I’d just had was actually going to happen. If they knew I was in Florida, knew which city to look in, then our time was very limited. They wouldn’t just give up, and it didn’t matter what kind of security surrounded me, they’d find a way in. I could not let them hurt Nick. I couldn’t let them hurt Caden. The last time my dad had spoken to Caden, he told Caden that if he ever talked to me again, he’d die. I knew there was no time limit on that threat.

A tear made its way down my face as I watched Nick sleeping peacefully. I’d always known it would come to this. It was going to hurt him, and I’d been dreading it the entire time. Hurting Nick was what hurt me the most. But they would plow through everyone I loved to get to me, and I couldn’t let that happen. I would have to lead them away from the people I cared about. I couldn’t let anyone get hurt because of me. I would let Nick know why I left as soon as I could, as soon as I knew they wouldn’t hurt him, so that he wouldn’t be left wondering what happened. But I had to keep him safe.

I was aware that if I went back to that place, it would be the end of me. I couldn’t do it again, couldn’t survive it. And if somehow I did live through it physically, I wouldn’t be me any longer. I’d be a shell of a person, no longer worried about finding love without my dad knowing because I’d be stuck under his thumb forever, unable to function on my own. They’d broken me so badly the first time it had taken me a long time to feel human again. One more time would do it, and I was pretty sure that was the point. My dad knew how fucked up my head was. They would break me completely or obliterate me. Either way, I wouldn’t be a problem for him anymore.

Nick stirred in his sleep and reached for me, even though he didn’t wake up. I wondered if he would still reach for me when I was gone. I snuggled up to him, letting him hold me while I could. Feeling the safest I ever had. I wasn’t sure how long I had with him, but I was glad he found me that day. If I had jumped off that bridge, I never would have known the feeling I had with him. It was the best feeling I’d ever had. I just wanted to know he’d be ok when it happened. I wanted all of them to be ok. I’d put everyone in danger by running there, and when the time came, I wouldn’t let any of them get hurt.

◆◆◆

We both woke to pounding on the door. I panicked because in my sleepy mind it was them , they’d found me in Nick’s home. I was too late. Nick saw my horror. “Stay here,” he demanded, getting out of bed.

“No!” I cried, trying to pull him back, “They found me!” He didn’t realize how close they were to actually doing it, but he didn’t question that part.

“Shh,” he said, touching my head, “It’s not them, Gavin. They wouldn’t be allowed up here without the front desk at least calling me. Even if someone had a badge, we’d know they were coming.” He held up his phone. “See. No one called.” He had a point. I let go of him, but he still grabbed a big ass decorative candlestick before walking out to the living room, shutting the guest room door behind him.

I waited with bated breath in the bed. I finally heard Nick say, “What the fuck are you doing here?” I crept over to the door and put my ear to the crack.

I heard another voice say, “I broke up with him, Nick. I know I did you wrong, but I want to make it up to you.” My heart dropped. Fucking Gabriel.

I wasn’t going to go out there, since it wasn’t my conversation to have, until I heard Nick cry out, “Just stop!” My protective mode kicked in right away when my brain registered his distress. Without another thought, I opened the door and stepped into the hallway, looking into the living room. Nick was standing there in the boxers he’d slept in, pulling away as Gabriel tried to touch his arm while looking at him imploringly. They both looked over when I stepped into the room in my boxer briefs, since I hadn’t even taken the time to bother with a shirt.

Gabriel yanked his hand back, staring at me in shock. He looked from me to Nick, then back to me. “What the hell, Nick,” he hissed, “He’s still here?”

Nick drew himself up and his fists were balled, even though he was quite obviously trying to cover up his bare torso. “Yeah, he’s still here. He lives here.” Nick’s voice was firm, his nostrils flaring a little bit as he clenched his jaw.

Gabriel stuttered around as I approached them slowly, but I still kept some distance, because it was Nick’s show and what he told Gabriel was his call. Gabriel looked somewhat confused, glancing at the door I’d come from. “He…in the guest room?” He was trying to figure out our relationship, and I waited to see if Nick would tell him we were roommates.

Nick sneered. “Yeah. In the guest room. I quite like sleeping in there more than the bedroom you fucked my so-called friend in. If you want any of your artsy shit from your old room, it’s in the closet, so get it now. I’m tired of being a storage unit for you.” He stepped over to me, sliding an arm around my waist and gripping me above my hip. I put my arm around him, holding onto the torso he was trying to hide.

We both just stared at Gabriel until he said, “I just…I wanted to apologize to you.” He looked genuinely regretful, which surprised me a little bit. Nick didn’t seem to believe him, but there was something in his eyes that made me think he was truly sorry for hurting Nick. “I, um, I’ll go. I see that you’re…bye, Nick.”

He turned and left without another word. I watched him go, but my brain was already in motion. God, it hurt . It hurt to know that I had so much happiness, much more than I’d ever dreamed possible, right there in my reach but I had no choice but to let it all go.

The door shut behind Gabriel and Nick turned to me. “Gavin, I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was him. I never would have answered the door.”

“He really sounded apologetic,” I mused.

“Right,” Nick said, “But he isn’t.”

“Maybe he is,” I shrugged, “People do change sometimes. I did. Maybe he saw where he went wrong, and he’s spent this time working through it.” Maybe he could actually change, just like me. I’d been fearful and distrusting of everyone, ready to give up completely, my life a living nightmare. But it had all changed into a dream, a good one. The best dreams I’d ever had happened when I was awake. When I was with Nick. I’d hold onto it forever. They would not rip it away from me. Nightmares were coming, but I still had right then , and maybe there was someone who could be there for Nick when I no longer could. Maybe they could try again and make it work. Maybe Gabriel realized how wrong he’d been, and he could appreciate Nick like he deserved.

I turned and hugged Nick, and I knew it was obvious something was wrong, but he had the wrong idea. “I don’t want him, Gavin,” he said softly as he hugged me back, “I want you.”

“I know,” I whispered, because I did. I wanted my time with him. I wanted all of it I could get. “I want you, too. Take me. Please. I need you right now.” I had to go to work, but we had time. “Please, Nick. Make love to me like you did at Jeff’s. I need it…I need you.” I wanted to feel him. I wanted to feel everything he felt for me before I had to go.

He pulled back and lifted my chin, looking me in the eye. “What’s wrong?” he asked me.

Please don’t make me cry. Please just take me . I could feel tears threatening just looking into his eyes. I still looked. I took in those eyes, his face. I wanted to remember everything about him, forever. I hoped they wouldn’t be able to erase it. I wanted to remember his hug when I was crying and in pain. I wanted to feel his warmth when I was cold. I wanted to remember every inch of him and the way he made me feel.

He furrowed his brow, but he leaned forward and met my lips with his in a sweet kiss. “Gavin,” he whispered when he pulled back. His lip trembled, just a little bit. He sounded confused. “Did I do something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No. You’ve always done everything right. Nick, please .”

He still looked uncertain, but he slowly walked me backwards toward our bedroom. He shut the door behind us and we moved over to the bed. I sat when the back of my knees hit the mattress, pulling at him to follow. He climbed onto the bed beside me, and I turned toward him. He met my lips with a passionate kiss he used to press me backwards gently until I was on my back and he was hovering over me.

He didn’t try to speak anymore, didn’t ask me any questions, just looked at my pleading eyes. He still looked worried, but he sat up and pulled my underwear off of me, getting rid of his own right after. He leaned back over me and his tongue found mine again even as I heard him open the nightstand drawer and rummage around. I heard the cap of the lube pop, and he was still kissing me as his finger found my entrance, pressing gently until I let him in.

He moved it slowly, teasing my sweet spot as I made little sounds into our kiss. He was making love to my mouth as much as he was getting ready to make love to my body. I was hard already, despite my grief. I’d never been kissed like that, even by him. A second finger pressed in, rubbing over my prostate with every inward push. I moaned into his mouth.

He backed off to get a breath as he scissored his fingers inside of me, stretching me as I let out a sigh. His mouth found my jawline, moving slowly down to my neck and then back up. He added a third finger then paused, looking into my eyes. I just looked back wordlessly. He started moving his fingers again still holding eye contact, and he seemed to be trying to say something to me silently, but I couldn’t quite work out what it was. I let out another soft moan, because it was a lot, the eye contact and the feeling of his fingers, but I needed it. I wanted to hold onto it.

He leaned forward again as he stretched me, giving me a kiss that was somehow full of passion yet so gentle at the same time. He finally pulled his fingers out and moved to sit between my spread legs, lubing his dick and gazing down at me. There were questions there, but they were questions I didn’t want to answer.

He scooted up, still on his knees as I moved my feet up close to my body to give him better access. He pressed in slowly, looking between my face and the spot where our bodies connected, rubbing my side as he did. He was being careful, unsure of what was wrong but aware that something was. When he was fully seated he looked back up to my face. “Ok?”

I nodded and reached for him. I needed him to hold me. I needed to feel all of him. He dropped forward immediately, putting one hand behind my lower back and the other under my head. He lifted my head slightly to look into my eyes again while he remained still. When I still didn't speak, he leaned in for another kiss, pulling my hips up with his other hand as he started to thrust slowly, gently, just like I’d asked for. He hit the right spot immediately, already knowing my body completely. I moaned, my arms going around his neck.

I took in the feeling of him draped over me, of him moving inside of me, and I moved my hips up to meet his slow thrusts. I reveled in the ecstasy of it, in the care he was showing me. In the feeling of his tongue dancing with mine and the little sounds he was making as he gave me everything I needed, everything I wanted to keep forever. I was nearly overwhelmed by the way I felt about him, the way I knew he felt about me. I barely registered the tears on my face until he pulled back and looked at me. He slowed to a stop. “Gavin?”

“I’m ok,” I assured him, “Please don’t stop, Nick, please . It feels so good. It all feels so good.”

He made a little sound in his throat that broke my heart even more. He didn’t know what was happening, but he gave me what I was begging him for and started moving again. He kissed me even harder, like he could take everything bad away from me with the passion in his body, like he could keep me there with his tongue. He thrust harder but still slowly, waking up everything inside of me like he was touching every nerve in my body at once. His hand caressed my low back gently and my skin tingled beneath his fingertips. I cried out softly and my dick leaked onto my belly. He was hitting perfectly every single time, and even though he was moving slowly, it was everything I needed. I could feel his soul in his movements, his heart in his lips.

I moved and put both hands on his face. And even though it had barely been over a month since I met him, I needed to say it. “I love you.” I looked him in the eye. I did love him. He was the first person I’d loved since I was sixteen years old, and until I met him I hadn’t even thought it was possible for me to love again. I could feel new tears making trails down the sides of my face and pooling in my hair that was splayed on the pillow.

He was struggling to keep going, but he did anyway, because he knew I needed him to. His own tear fell. “Gavin,” he said softly, “I love you, too. I don’t…I don’t understand.”

I shook my head. “Don’t understand,” I said, “Just feel.” I pulled him back to my mouth. My hips were still canting upward to meet his thrusts, and I felt my orgasm building in my core. He was moving just right, but it was more than that. It was him . It was everything I felt for him. He was everything. He was life. He was the only thing that would possibly keep me alive when they took me back. I would never love anyone else.

I moaned loudly, but even I heard the brokenness in it. He kept moving, keeping up the rhythm he could tell was getting me there. His lips fell to my neck where he licked and kissed reverently, like I was something to be worshipped. Like I was worth everything, not the piece of garbage I’d always felt like.

“Nick,” I gasped, and my body shuddered. I gripped onto him like I could keep him in my arms forever if I held him tightly enough. My hips thrust upward once more, and one more hit to my sweet spot had my dick erupting between us and I shook and clung to him, coating us both in my cum as I shut my eyes tight and felt another tear slip out.

Nick let out a sound that was half-grunt, half-sob and his body shuddered, too. With one more thrust into my body, I felt his dick pulsing inside of me as his head fell to my shoulder.

Our bodies relaxed slowly, and I wanted to keep him there, his body on top of me, protecting me, but I never would. I’d never let him get hurt for me, and he would if I gave him the chance. We lay there in silence for a minute, but he finally lifted his head and looked at me again. I knew my face was covered in tears, and they were still falling.

“Gavin?” he said again, his voice shaky. He was begging me to tell him what was going on without saying the words. I couldn’t tell him, though, because I did love him, enough to do whatever it took to protect him.

“I really do,” I whispered, and I knew he would understand that I was talking about my declaration of love. I reached up and touched his face. “Thank you,” I whispered, then gently pushed him back until he was on his knees again. I sat up and swung my legs to the side of the bed. “I have to get ready for work,” I said, and went across the hall to the bathroom before he could stop me.

I locked the door behind me. I sat down on the floor of the shower and cried as the water fell over me. I wanted to stay. I wanted a life with him, the life I’d almost had. I should have known better than to think I had a real chance at happiness. I was grateful for the time I’d had. It was something that had been completely unexpected the night I’d run from my home and landed in a city in hopes of finding help from someone I wasn’t sure would actually want to see me. But I’d found someone else, and now I knew what it was like to feel worthy, to feel loved, and to be with Nick. They would not take any of that away from me no matter how hard they tried.

I took a breath and stood, wiping the tears off my face because I was done crying. I would take it all like a man. I was ready to face everything again, just like I always had.