Chapter 21
Gavin
“S top fighting us! I command the demon to leave in the name of God!” It was a good effort, but I was not the same timid kid they remembered.
“There’s no fucking demon in me! I was born like this, you piece of shit!”
He smacked the hell out of my face with his belt. It hurt like a bitch, but I refused to back down. “Get in the tub, Gavin!”
“Fuck you!”
I knew they’d win, but I wasn’t going down without a fight. I’d fight them until they killed me. And when it came to that, that would be the end of the whole place. They couldn’t hide a murder, even if they tried. All the paperwork my dad had insisted on to save all of them, to keep up the pretense, would be their downfall. Someone would realize I’d gone missing. Someone would say something, even if it was someone in Florida. They couldn’t hide it forever now that it could be traced. If they caused my death it would stop them from hurting anyone else, ever again.
I saw them in the halls, nearly every time they brought me to my nightmare room. Trodden down teenagers whose parents had sent them there to “cure” them of being gay. I wondered if those parents knew what really went on. I doubted most of them knew the extent of it. I wasn’t even sure my dad did, but I did know he wouldn’t care either way.
Two of them grabbed my arms and Kolders grabbed my feet. I struggled hard enough I managed to kick him in the nuts. They threw me in the ice water, but I still considered it a mild victory.
I went all the way under in the toss. I inhaled in shock when it hit me, just like I had when I was a kid. I was completely submerged in a tub full of ice and water. There was more ice than there had been the last time I’d been in there-several layers instead of just one at the top. They didn’t help me. My body froze in place, my limbs seizing up and refusing to lift me. Maybe it would be the end.
I finally, with great effort, managed to get a hand on the bottom of the tub and shove upward. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, I hadn’t been a big enough pain in their asses. It took all the effort I had, but my head finally shot through the ice cubes and I gasped in a lungful of air. I sat there shivering as they just looked at me angrily. Kolders was holding his crotch and it made me happy even if I couldn’t react.
They already had porn playing on the screen. They were really doing this again. The first couple of sessions had been some weird types of exorcism attempts, complete with heat and electricity to try to burn the demon out of me, I supposed. It seemed kind of counterintuitive if demons were used to hellfire, but I guessed they had their own ideas about what might work. Through my chattering teeth, I looked past Kolders at the screen and said, “I’ve already seen this one. It’s not even that good.”
If I wasn’t so miserable, I’d have laughed at the looks on their faces. My fight or flight had kicked in and since I couldn’t fly, I’d fight. I’d fight them to the death. They had no idea of the trouble I would give them. I’d break them down, piss them off, turn them against each other to the point they’d get rid of me one way or another. I was ready to go if that was what it took, but I was going to take them down with me.
Shivering and with two guys fucking on a screen in the background, my brain redirected to Nick. He was the only thing that made me want to continue to hold on, to go on as long as I could. The only thing that made me doubt the thought of using myself as a sacrifice to take them down. I didn’t know how long I could hold on, though, and I would not just submit to them. They’d break my mind completely if I did, and he would lose me either way. There was no good solution. I couldn’t live there, and I couldn’t let those kids in the halls live through it anymore, either. If it was my fate, over and over, then I would change fate myself.
I love you, Nick. You saved me from myself. You showed me life and love and you’ll probably never know how grateful I am for it. I hope you find happiness in this life. Someone who will treat you as good as you deserve. Maybe we can meet again in the next one. Maybe fate will be easier on us.
The pastor was angry with me, but he still tried. “How do you feel right now? What does watching that screen feel like?”
I glanced at him, trying to wipe the water from my eyes with a wet, shivering hand. I tried to imagine Nick’s hugs. His cuddles in a warm bed. The feeling of him spooning me after a nightmare that went something like what was playing out. I wished I would wake up in his apartment, safe and warm, but I knew it wasn’t a dream.
“I feel like the reaction that guy is having is way over the top. The other guy isn’t even pounding him at the right angle. This one is really fake and it’s kind of a turn-off. I mean, I wouldn’t react like that.” I paused and looked directly at Kolders. “Right?” I’d fuck him up. I’d turn them on him. I was going to tear the place to the ground.
“Wh…what?” he sputtered. The other two were looking at him. His reaction was perfect, because I’d taken him by enough surprise he couldn’t even try to pretend I was making it up.
“When you fucked me,” I said, speaking to him like he was a child who couldn’t comprehend what I was saying, “Did I ever act like that?” I stared at him, boring hellfire right through his demonic soul. “Although I’ll admit,” I went on, just to twist the knife, “now that I’ve had some experience you never were that great at it.”
The pastor had already been suspicious back then. He knew I looked at Kolders, mainly to beg him with my eyes for help that never came, but I was pretty sure he’d been watching Kolders, too. Kolders’ eyes widened. But he finally caught himself and said, “What on earth are you talking about, Gavin? Stop your filthy lies and let us help you. We can’t help you if you’re going to fight us and make up things to pit us against each other.” Nice try . He’d taken too long to respond, and he’d shown too much shock.
The other two looked at him for another moment, but finally looked back at me. Kolders was looking at me like he wanted to murder me right there. I looked back. Do it, then. It didn’t matter. The seed was planted. They’d turn on each other in the aftermath. I almost smirked when I managed to give his reputation a blow while I was at it, but I was shivering too much to do it. He looked almost as livid when I said he sucked in bed as he did when I called him out for sleeping with me.
I was shaking almost violently at that point. My hands were blue, and I couldn’t feel my lips. My body ached and my heart was stuttering. I knew you could have a heart attack from ice water. Maybe it would happen, even though I was young. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about them literally torturing me to death.
“Get him out of there,” the pastor spat out, “He’s turning blue.” The other two pulled me out of the water, Kolders’ hand digging painfully into my arm even though it was numb. I knew I’d have fingertip shaped bruises there. “Get him on the table.”
Fuck. No. Everything already hurt. They’d never put me on the table after the ice water. They’d always let me get dressed and go back to my room.
They put my cold, wet body on the frigid metal table, and I was shaking too hard to fight them. I felt like crying again, even though I fought the tears with everything I had. I didn’t think I could take much more. A body could only handle so much.
My eyes widened when I realized it was the heat they were going for next. Not together. They couldn’t. My heart really would give out. He didn’t hesitate, though, he shoved it against my abs near the start of the poison ivy. I hissed and tried to pull away, but I couldn’t. “These tattoos are evil,” the pastor stated, “You're farther gone than we even knew. Tell me what you feel now.”
“I feel like I hate you.”
He smacked me with it, and I cried out. But then, through the pain and my chattering teeth, I managed to get out, “They aren’t evil. They’re just the story of the life I’ve had.”
Kolders huffed beside him. “Not evil? You literally have the devil tattooed on your arm.” He poked at the tattoo, and with the feeling starting to come back after the ice, it felt like he’d stabbed me.
“That’s not the real devil,” I spit out, “It’s you.”
He looked taken aback and the other two looked at him again. The seed was watered, and I’d make sure it grew. I met his eyes defiantly. You can’t take me down without taking yourself down, you asshole.
Even though the heat was still there, excruciating pain radiating under it from sitting on skin that had been nearly frozen, and even though I could no longer stop the tears from falling from my eyes, I held eye contact with Kolders. “How many kids did you take advantage of?” A whisper was all I could get out, but they all heard me. “I know it wasn’t just me. How many boys did you fuck, Kolders? How many did you offer to make feel better? Does your wife know what we did here? What we did even after I left?”
He lost control. He punched me in the mouth. “Stop lying,” he hissed, but his reaction, though painful, was the one I wanted. They were watching him again. I looked up at the pastor, who’d removed the heat when Kolders punched me. He met my eyes but didn’t say anything.
He finally grabbed his bible and came around to my head. “Let’s just pray again for the demon to leave him.” He pushed it to my head, but not as hard that time. They started again. Kolders was seething. I knew he’d find some way to get back at me, but I didn’t care. I was done letting them do what they wanted. Repercussions were coming and they had no idea how hard they were getting ready to fall, no matter what it took.