29. Mentally Insane
MENTALLY INSANE
“Charlotte I swear I am fine, I don’t need you to visit me every day.
I’m not leaving you. I jus–” I sighed into the phone.
What do I even say to her “hey so my dad was raping me and I tried to commit suicide because I miss him?” Yeah that totally works for your best friend.
Fuck how am I going to survive this shithole if I can’t even lie to my best friend.
“Lil, I don’t care. I love you, you're my best friend. I am going to be there to hold your hand regardless, okay?” she pleaded on the phone with that voice she always used, the one that sounded like you gave a toddler a toy and then took it away.
“Fine, but not today. I’m not feeling well.” I gave in, like I always did.
“Tomorrow, I’ll be there after school–” she paused as if to consider saying something about how everyone missed me but it wasn’t true. They loved Charlotte but they always pitied me. “I’ll see you then bug. Lee will drop me off tomorrow,” I barely registered that she’d hung up the phone.
My mind caught on the nickname, bug. I slid against the wall and the cord of the community phone dropped swinging from the weight.
Tears pricked my eyes as I put my head between my knees.
Now you be a good little bug, I’ll take care of you.
It was the last thing he said before he died…
dad. Why did you leave me? They didn’t tell me who shot him, the trial was set for sometime next week and I wasn’t allowed to attend.
They didn’t need another crazy girl committing suicide for the jury.
It wasn’t about me. It was about dad, and the killer.
I should have been grateful they saved me pain, but all I felt was a deep longing for the man who raised me. Maybe I was broken.
Black boots with heavy grey dirt came into view, it was odd. The nurses here all wore white shoes. Did they mix my meds again? I looked up as his tattooed hand hung up the phone. His dark locks falling into his face. A gleam in his eye made him look like a deranged doctor.
“Wha–” I started but he put his finger to his lips.
“Shhh,” he jerked his head to the door as a “follow me” and I grinned, swiping the tears away from my face as he looked around at the other patients in the area before walking out the set of doors.
I straightened the sweats they’d given me and fixed the socks I had and walked out the door a moment later after I saw nurse Hazel was busy with Tommy, this 17 year old who’d been non-verbal for months.
My cell mate, excuse me roommate, gave me a thumbs up winking at me as I pushed through the door.
As soon as I was out of the door a hand wrapped around my mouth pulling my body to his, I almost screamed before I realized it was Lee. He murmured against my ear, “damn what’s a guy have to do to see his girl?”
He kissed my temple and I turned around to face him. He looked like he robbed one of the shorter guy’s scrubs by the way they fit. Everything was too tight, too small and yet he wore them proudly.
“What are you doing here?” I beat his chest without any real effort as I scolded him.
“I’m visiting you of course,” he pulled down his mask revealing that boyish grin. I smiled, feeling the first signs of normal I’d felt in ages. Something about the way Lee always had a joke to go around made me smile, like I was breathing for the first time after years of drowning.
The door to the activity room opened on a squeaky hinge and Lee pulled me into one of the supply closets. I grinned at him as he tried not to knock over a broom and we stood there waiting as the sounds of Hazel’s loud shoes walked down the hallway.
“Lillian, are you out here?” she asked.
“Eek” I gasped as Lee slapped his hand over my mouth.
He gave me a look that said “I’ll make you get caught”. I looked at him with wide eyes as his fingers pulled the edge of the sweat pants. The string obviously missing since no one wanted to give a suicidal girl a way out.
“No,” I hissed but he wasn’t listening, his fingers danced along my hipline as he teased the skin just under my waistband and I looked at him with wide eyes trying to be absolutely still. My skin pebbled with goosebumps as I reacted to his touch. His fingertips barely brushed my skin. Gentle.
Careful.
Familiar.
It reminded me of Charlotte holding my hair back as I threw up into the porcelain bowl after we drank too much. I pulled against his hand, he shook his head in warning. No. Taking a deep breath I forced myself to relax, it was only Lee, he’d never hurt me.
“Oh no, not again.” Hazel muttered as her footsteps quickly receded and Lee pulled his hand away from my waistband and kissed my cheek.
“Gotta go babes,” he winked before he was out the door. Leaving me in a closet utterly alone.
I didn’t move when the tears fell, didn’t pause to push away the hurt in his absence. I stood there crying letting the emotions tumble through me like a cloud letting loose the rain it’d been carrying for ages.
At some point the nurse walked me back to my cell, I called it a cell because it was easier to deal with than the mental instability. Three white pills later and a swallow of water that barely touched the itch at the back of my throat.
By the time the pills pulled me under, I couldn’t remember whether I’d cried because Lee had left or because tomorrow Charlie would come, and I’d have to lie to her all over again.