CHAPTER 9
Lila - August
A nxiety pools low in my stomach the second I open my eyes in the morning.
One quick glance at my phone tells me I’ve woken before my alarm again. Alas, it wouldn’t be so bad if I’d managed to sleep more than five hours each night in the past month.
It’s been three months since I accepted Dr. Abner’s offer in the restaurant’s parking lot, and this afternoon I’ll finally become an intern after having passed the training courses with flying colors. At least, that’s what Haniyah said about my results.
I’m also twenty-four now—my birthday was last month—which means I should have my shit together. Which, again, means no room for obsessive overthinking.
Easier said than done.
My classmates are already spamming the group chat with updates about their own internships and theses, and every day I silently hope they won’t notice my radio silence. At least I’ll have Karla to back me up if they say anything, but something tells me it won’t be enough.
As much as it pains me to admit it, Dr. Abner was right—bravery is all about going after what I want, even if I do it in fear.
Our conversation opened my eyes and helped me see what had been so obvious to everyone around me—I wanted that internship, and rejecting it would’ve been a huge mistake.
Throughout the day, I work on my thesis until it’s time to leave for the youth center. But I can’t shake this weird feeling that something will go terribly wrong. That I’m making an irreversible mistake.
Everything Oliver said the day we broke up starts ringing true in my head again, and I hate myself for it because I promised I’d stop thinking about it. I have to if I want to move forward.
But that’s the thing about overthinking—you can’t help it when hurtful words or terrible scenarios keep coming back in waves. Changing unhealthy mindsets overnight would be ideal, but, unfortunately, that’s not how it works.
At the same time, though, there’s a bone-deep feeling in me that tells me working in this field is what I was born to do. But after losing my temper with Oliver, how could I be the right person to steer children into the right direction?
I don’t recognize what’s inside of me, but it feels too daunting to peek over the edge. I know I won’t find the same Lila from a year ago, and the uncertainty is festering inside me.
What if I don’t know who I am anymore?
Shaking my head, I focus back on the road. When I park in front of the youth center and see a hurdle of kids running inside, I take a deep breath through my nose and count to ten in my head.
I’ll be able to help them. I’m qualified enough to do it. Dr. Abner will be there in case something happens.
Right. Dr. Abner.
Reed, from now on.
My supervisor.
Since Haniyah was in charge of my training, I haven’t seen him in the past couple of months. We’ve been emailing back and forth to talk about my schedule and my professional development goals for this internship, but I haven’t seen him in person since that night at the restaurant.
According to my mom, he’s in the last stages of his research and has spent the summer visiting his collaborators at other university labs all over the country. The fact that I’m going to see him today shouldn’t make me feel more anxious than actually starting my internship, but here we are.
I get out of the car before my thoughts become even more ridiculous.
“Lila! Welcome, dear. Are you ready for your first day?” Haniyah’s smile couldn’t be brighter as she ushers me inside. “You look lovely, by the way. Pink is definitely your color.”
Even though I know exactly what I’m wearing, I still glance down at my pink summer dress. “Thank you,” I say shyly, feeling grateful for the extra boost of confidence. “It’s loud in here today.”
She chuckles. “And isn’t it the most beautiful sound?”
It really is.
Around us, kids and teenagers hug, chat, or play games together, the warm atmosphere only confirming that I’m in the right place.
“Do you remember where Reed’s office is?” Haniyah asks me.
I nod. “Second on the left?”
“That’s the one. Go look for him. A little birdie told me he has a fun activity planned for you today.”
My stomach flips. “All right.”
Her comforting hand lands on my arm. “Reed can be a tough cookie, but I have a feeling you’ll learn a lot from each other. And if you need anything, I’ll be right here.”
I have no doubts Reed—it still physically hurts to call him that—will teach me endless things, but him learning from me ? Haniyah is sweet but also a bit too optimistic.
Once we say our goodbyes and she wishes me good luck on my first day, I make my way to his office. I’ve never been inside before, and I only remember where it is from Haniyah’s tour.
The sound of his deep voice is immediate when I knock on his door, my heart beating way too fast.
“Come in.”
I swallow and push the door open.
His eyes meet mine briefly before they go back to his computer. “Lila, hey. Give me a second, please.”
My voice is nervous as I say, “Sure.”
Without glancing away from the screen, he gestures with one of those huge hands to the chairs in front of his desk. “Take a seat. We’ll discuss today’s schedule in a moment.”
I feel like a clumsy baby elephant as I close the distance between the door and the desk. The chair makes too much noise when I draw it back so I can sit. Why are my hands so sweaty all of a sudden?
“Did you have a good summer break?” he surprises me by asking, still not looking at me.
I clear my throat. “I’m working on my thesis, so I didn’t have much of a break.”
He hums, like he doesn’t think it’s that out of the ordinary to be a loser with no fun plans. “What’s your thesis about?”
“Bibliotherapy.”
That makes him look at me.
“Bibliotherapy?” he repeats in that deep rumble.
I nod. “I’m exploring educational and safe ways to talk about consent and sexual education to children through bibliotherapy. Things about periods, changes in our bodies, and why they’re sacred. It’s a really important topic for me.”
Book therapy isn’t a popular field in psychology by any means. There isn’t a lot of research on it—the most notable papers belonging to the man in front of me—which is partly why I want to do my bit.
But also because bibliotherapy has been part of my life since the day I was born.
After my dad became my aunt’s legal guardian when my grandmother’s alcohol issues landed Maddie in the ER and her father left, she started seeing a children’s therapist. She wouldn’t open up, couldn’t even identify her own feelings—as she told me many years later—until her therapist tried a different approach.
She used fictional characters who dealt with similar problems to make Maddie realize she wasn’t alone, and everything had a cure. She started healing from her emotional wounds thanks to books, which then inspired my mother to write hers.
Mom was already a published children’s author by this time, but she decided to change the direction of her stories toward the psychology field. Now she writes educational books for children about sensitive topics like consent, dealing with PTSD, and even adoption—she was adopted herself by my awesome grandads.
And because she wants these books to be as accurate as possible, she partners with renowned child therapists, counselors, and social workers. That’s how she met Dr. Abner.
Reed.
“Interesting. Am I right to assume you got the inspiration from your mom?” he asks, a faint smile on his lips.
Stop looking at his mouth.
“You’d be right,” I say proudly.
Her journey inspires me every day, and she is a big reason why I’m pursuing a career in counseling. Because I, too, want to make a difference in whichever way I can.
“That’s good.” He gives me a short nod of approval as he types something into his computer. “I’m sure you know there’s not much research on bibliotherapy. We could use an extra mind in the field.”
I clear my throat again, suddenly realizing how small I am in his presence. Not just in a physical sense—he’s a giant—but because this is Dr. Reed Freaking Abner . He’s been to Harvard and Princeton, and apparently, he has more connections than he knows what to do with despite being a textbook hermit. My mom’s words, not mine.
And he’s just…here. Talking to me. Asking about my thesis. Supervising my internship.
I realize now what should’ve hit me like a ton of bricks much sooner. I’ve been so focused on seeing him as my mom’s colleague I have to avoid to protect my reputation that I couldn’t see this whole situation for what it truly is—an absolute privilege.
How many students in my position would kill to shadow Reed Abner as he works? And I’m not appreciating the fact that I get three whole months of doing exactly that.
I’m such an ungrateful, stubborn fool.
“Sorry about the wait,” he says, snapping me out of my thoughts. I blink, noticing his dark eyes on me. “Did Haniyah mention something about today’s schedule?”
“She only said you had something fun planned,” I answer, a new resolve settling in my chest.
Excitement .
I’m excited to be here. It’s taken me too long to realize how immensely lucky I am to have this opportunity, even if it means he’ll be supervising me.
I can’t do anything about that, can I? I tried to ask for another supervisor, but that didn’t work out. I might as well make the most out of this potential fiasco.
“I hope you’re ready for a group session with the kids today.”
My heart somersaults. “Today?”
He glances at the expensive-looking watch on his wrist. “In about ten minutes. I’ll be running it so you can get familiar with how we do things around here.”
I’m meeting the kids in ten minutes ?
Shit, shit, shit.
What if they hate me on sight? What if they think I’m too young and inexperienced to help them? What if—
“Lila.”
I blink.
“Don’t overthink it,” Reed says, his voice firm yet somehow gentle at the same time. “They’re not difficult kids. We’re just getting to know one another today. I’ll be running the session; just sit back and observe. Nothing to worry about, yeah?”
I hesitate, nerves swirling in my stomach. “Yeah.”
“Now say it like you mean it.”
His command sends a thrill of something down my spine.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” I say a little louder and with a little more conviction.
He nods his approval. “Good. Ready to meet the kids?”