CHAPTER 34
Lila
“I ’m going to fucking kill him .”
I can’t meet my dad’s gaze because the disappointment in it will completely destroy me; the one in his voice is already starting to.
I can’t look at my mom either, but I know she’s standing next to him. She’s barely said a word since I confessed everything, which to me is way worse than my dad’s outburst.
My hands haven’t stopped trembling since I sat down on the couch what feels like hours ago, but it’s probably been no more than twenty minutes. The tears have stopped, but I’m not confident they’ll stay at bay.
“I’ll drive to his fucking house right now and gut him alive.”
“Cal…” my mom warns him, the first word she’s spoken in long, agonizing minutes.
“I love you, sunshine, you know I do, but I don’t want to hear it right now. Nobody hurts my little girl and lives. Over my dead fucking body.”
“Dad…” My throat hurts when I speak, my voice no higher than a whisper. I don’t see them because I can’t bring myself to look at them, but I feel my parents turning in my direction. “My career is ruined. Beating him up won’t fix that.”
“But it will make me feel a whole lot better about it,” he argues before he pauses, and then lets out a tired sigh. Carefully, he sits on the couch next to me. “All right. I’ll let it go for now. How are you feeling?”
I shrug. My emotions are so confusing and contradicting right now, I can’t put them into words.
My head is still spinning from confessing everything to my parents. The hurt in their faces as I told them about Reed and my failed internship, then the anger, will chase me forever.
“I can’t graduate,” I whisper thickly, feeling my eyes watering again. “I threw everything down the drain. I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you so much.”
“Hey.” My dad wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. “You will graduate. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll have to retake your internship, but you’ll get your Master’s.”
The couch dips under my mom’s weight as she sits on my other side and holds my hand. “I’ll admit everything you told us was quite shocking, but Dad and I aren’t disappointed in you, honey.”
“How are you not?” I shake my head. “I don’t believe you.”
“Well, you should,” she says. “You’ve always been a good daughter, Li. You still are. This is …not ideal, but it’s also not the end of the world.”
“How can you say that?” I ask, agitated, as I stand from the couch. I can’t sit still. Breathing heavily, I glance at my parents as if they were pulling some kind of elaborate prank on me. “How can you say I’m a good daughter when I got involved with a professor— your friend —and failed my internship for it? I knew the consequences, and I still did it. I sacrificed my career and my reputation for nothing. After all you went through with Maddie and her dad and everything else, how can you say I’m good when I make such stupid choices?”
Air barely fills my lungs. I dry my tears with the back of my sleeve and wait for them to inevitably change their minds and tell me that I’m right, that I’m not a good daughter after all.
Only, that’s not what happens.
“Lila…” my mom starts, tentatively, as if she were talking to a wild animal on the loose. “What’s all this about Maddie?”
I let out a shaky breath, not wanting to beat around the bush. I might as well give them another reason to see how terrible I am. “You had to raise her, and then her dad came back and you had to deal with that. I love Maddie, I really do, but I…”
“You what, little sunshine?” my dad encourages me when I stop to take a deep breath because suddenly there’s not enough oxygen in this room for all three of us.
My eyes fill with tears again, and the dam keeping the words inside me finally breaks.
“I feel horrible for saying this because I love you all so much, and I love Maddie like a sister, and I don’t want to sound selfish, but it affected me too. What happened with her,” I start, my hands trembling again. “You’d been through enough, and I wanted to make things easier for you. Be the easy child. I tried so hard to always behave, to get good grades, to never disappoint you like teenagers do to their parents, so you could get a break because you deserve it so much after everything. But I just did it now, as an adult woman who should’ve known better, and I don’t… I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel so confused and lost.”
“Oh, sweetie.” My mom gets to her feet and pulls me into a tight hug.
Burying my head in her shoulder, I let the tears fall. And when my dad stands too and hugs us both against his chest, I cry harder.
“I’m so sorry we made you feel that way,” my mom says as she caresses the top of my hair. “I’m so sorry we didn’t see it before, Lila.”
“It’s not your fault,” I say, my voice muffled, but loud enough for them to hear. “I never said anything.”
“We should’ve noticed it,” my dad says, emotion clogging his voice. “It wasn’t fair to you.”
I pull away from our hug so I can look at them and make sure they know I mean every word. “Please, don’t beat yourselves up over it. I love you so much, and I love Maddie. I could never feel resentful for anything when you’ve given me such a happy childhood. You’re great parents, and I’m so proud of being your daughter.”
My dad’s eyes aren’t completely dry as he kisses my forehead. “And we love you, Lila. We’ve done everything in our power to raise you the best we could, and we couldn’t be prouder of who you’re becoming.”
“But I—”
“You didn’t disappoint us,” my mom interjects, her eyes glassy too. But she’s smiling softly now. “Sure, you broke some rules. But it’s fixable, isn’t it?”
I sniffle. “I don’t know.”
I pause, our conversation sinking in as the minutes pass. And then I remember something else I haven’t told them yet. So, for the sake of honesty, I blurt out, “I stabbed a knife through Oliver’s car tire for cheating on me.”
They blink, probably wondering if they’ve heard right. And then my dad throws his head back in laughter and my mom starts chuckling.
Now I’m the one who’s blinking in confusion. “You’re not mad at me for that either? I’m basically a criminal.”
Reed’s nickname for me pops into my head, and my heart takes a deep dive into a pit of agony again.
“Does he know it was you?” Dad asks.
“Yeah, but he doesn’t have proof, so he couldn’t do anything about it.”
“Then fuck him. He deserved it.”
My mom smiles. “I’m with your dad on that one.”
I shake my head, somewhat amused for the first time since I walked in here tonight. That momentary bliss might be the reason I don’t think my words through and I add, “Reed saw me do it.”
My dad’s face sobers up. “He did?”
I swallow. “He kept the secret.”
“How chivalrous of him.” His words are laced with irony.
My mom glances between us before she asks what I’ve been dreading since I confessed everything, “What’s going on between you and Reed, honey?”
Unsure, I slide my gaze to my dad, who shakes his head. “I won’t say a word. Promise.”
I let out a deep sigh that does nothing to erase my anxiety.
“Nothing.” That word hits me like a bullet aiming for my heart. “Whatever it was, it’s over now.”
“But there was something,” my mom says. It’s not a question.
I find myself nodding as my stomach sinks. We were never meant to have a happy ending. I have to forget about him and move on.
“We… We had feelings for each other. Not since the start, but somewhere along the way we just... The lines blurred, slowly. I don’t know how it happened.”
My dad’s sigh brings my attention back to him. “Say the word and I’ll end him, Lila. I mean it.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes because I adore him, even when he’s being dramatic. I couldn’t be luckier to have a father who will protect me no matter what.
“Don’t do anything to him, Dad. Please,” I say. “I’m not even mad at him. Not exactly. It was always consensual between us. We tried to fight it, but…”
I can’t bring myself to keep going, to relive a story that will never continue.
“I should’ve stopped it,” I conclude. “I’m not a child. I knew what was at risk, but I did it anyway. It’s my fault.”
“He should’ve stopped it, too,” my dad says, anger rising in his voice.
“All right. Tonight has been intense for all of us,” my mom interrupts with a calming hand on my arm. “Don’t worry about your internship because I’m sure you won’t have to wait long to graduate. There’s no point in worrying about what you can’t control anyway, so go upstairs and try to distract your mind. How about a calming bath before bed? We’ll keep talking in the morning, okay?”
When I nod, she pulls me into her arms again and kisses my cheek. “Dad and I just want to see you happy, honey. We’ve always trusted you to make the right choices, and that hasn’t changed.”
My dad hugs us tight again. “We’ll always love you, whether you graduate later than you wanted or you slash someone’s tires. Everyone goes through tough times, but what counts is how we deal with them. And we couldn’t be prouder of the incredible woman you’re becoming, Lila.”
Their words stay with me all night as I toss and turn in bed hours later. I’m relieved that I still have their support after everything else has gone up in flames, but my heart still doesn’t beat like it used to.
I don’t think it will ever again.