CHAPTER 35
Reed
L ila doesn’t return my texts. After what went down in the dean’s office, I knew she wouldn’t.
The part of me she nurtured and shined her light onto hoped we could talk about this, but now I’ve realized how much of a fool I’d been to think we had a future. To think I could take care of her. To think I wouldn’t hurt her in the end.
My parents were right all along—I’m destructive. My only regret is that I ruined her on the way.
Lila doesn’t come back to the youth center after Christmas break. Haniyah told me she’d gotten on a video call with the kids, but I wasn’t there to hear it. I didn’t allow myself to be.
Not long after that, Han finally got the truth out of me. How I fell in love with the only woman I shouldn’t have, and how I ruined both of us.
“You can’t control what the heart wants,” she offered. “If it’s meant to be, you’ll come back to each other.”
For the first time in three decades, I didn’t believe her.
The only sliver of hope comes in the form of an email on my first day back at the research lab in January.
Dr. Abner,
I hope your Christmas break was restful.
As Lila Callaghan’s internship supervisor, I’m pleased to inform you that an external committee has reviewed all the provided materials from her internship and has found her results satisfactory. The board has decided to make an exception due to these unprecedented circumstances and allow Miss Callaghan to graduate this month, per your suggestion.
As for your involvement with Miss Callaghan, upon further review, I have deemed the rumors false, since there is no solid proof of a romantic relationship in the pictures I was sent.
Warlington University hopes you will keep collaborating with us in the future.
Best,
Kelly Russo
Dean of Psychology
I’m knocking on her office door three minutes later.
“Dr. Abner,” she greets me, surprised. “Did you get my email?”
“I did.”
“Good. Did you have any questions?”
“I’m here to resign.”
Her office becomes so silent, you could hear a pin drop. “Pardon me?”
The thought has been on my mind since that day, and it feels like the only right thing to do. Like the only thing I can do to protect Lila. If I haven’t done it sooner, it’s because I needed to tie all loose ends before I step back from my role, no matter how badly it fucking hurts just to think about what I’m about to leave behind.
“I’m here to resign,” I repeat. “I’m in talks with one of my colleagues from Stanford who would be happy to take over my lab here until the research concludes in May.”
I know what this means. She knows what it means.
My reputation, my name, won’t be attached anymore to the project I’ve dedicated every piece of my soul to for the past three years.
I let my heart, love , lead the way, and it’s time to face the consequences.
“Reed,” she starts. The use of my first name is a dead giveaway of her nerves. “Please think this through. We would love for you to stay until the project has concluded this spring.”
“A professor and a student getting involved goes against the policy of this university,” I remind her because, for some reason, she seems to have forgotten it. “My decision to resign from my position is final.”
Kelly takes a long, unreadable look at me. “I understand, but please take some time to consider your resignation. We have no plans to fire you over this…incident.”
It’s funny, I think to myself, how at first, I didn’t understand why Lila was so scared to accept the internship because she didn’t want to get any special treatment from me. I see her reasoning clearly now, as I stand in front of someone who’s supposed to abide by the rules but is overlooking my mistakes instead. And I know why—because of the generous funding I bring to this institution through my research.
Much like Lila, though, that’s not what I’m about.
“I appreciate all you’ve done for me in the past three years,” I conclude. “But I will be turning in my two-week notice tomorrow.”
Two days later, the rumors start. I hear them because it’s impossible not to, when it’s the only thing students talk about on campus.
“I heard they hooked up in a classroom once.”
“He’s, like, twenty years older than her. That’s disgusting.”
“Apparently he got Lila pregnant, and that’s why she had to graduate early.”
“Sleeping with a professor? Really? No wonder she got such good grades.”
After the media circus that went down when my parents got arrested, this is nothing. Knowing my days as a researcher here are numbered, too, I ignore the whispers around me and thank the universe Lila isn’t here to hear them. That’s my only consolation.
***
It’s late February, two months since I last saw her, when Haniyah knocks at my office door in the youth center one snowy afternoon. “Reed, dear,” she starts softly.
If it weren’t for her, Liam, and Warren, I would’ve lost my mind these past few months. And Ginny—that dog has stolen my heart and refuses to give it back.
“Yes, Han.”
She hesitates. “There’s someone here who wants to see you.”
“Reed.”
That voice.
My heart falls to the pit of my stomach when Grace appears behind Haniyah. I haven’t seen her since that dinner at her house, and I almost convinced myself I would never see my friend again.
Although I’m not sure she considers me a friend anymore.
I swallow, my mouth dry. “Grace.”
“I was hoping we could talk,” she starts, her voice even. It doesn’t give away her real emotions, and it makes me even more anxious.
Haniyah sends me a worried look before giving us some privacy.
“Of course. Sit down, please,” I offer.
Lila’s mom lowers herself into the chair in front of mine. “I think you know why I’m here.”
I give her a stiff nod. “I’m sorry, Grace.”
“For which part?”
Fuck.
“I’m sorry for hurting her.” I can’t bring myself to apologize for my feelings. It doesn’t feel right. “I’m sorry for not stopping it before it went too far.”
In all the years I’ve known her, Grace’s face has never been this unreadable before. She pauses, lacing her fingers together on her lap, as if she doesn’t know how to say her next words. Considering she’s an author, it concerns me. This won’t end well for me, and I’ll deserve every piece of me she destroys.
“Lila told us everything,” she says. My heart skips a beat just hearing her name. “Apparently, it was one of her friends who sent the photos. She’s now spreading rumors on campus, as I’ve heard.”
“I’ll speak to the dean,” I offer immediately. “Just give me a name.”
But Grace ignores me. “She told us about what she did to her ex-boyfriend’s tire, how she felt pressured to prove her worth to us.” The sadness in her voice cracks my chest open. “She told us there was something between you two.”
“Grace—”
“I just have one question.”
I hold my breath.
“Out of all the women in the world, Reed, why my daughter?”
“Because she’s the only woman in the world for me.”
The silence that follows my confession is deafening.
“Reed…” Her expression morphs into one of concern. “We’ve talked about your past before. What it did to you.”
I don’t say anything. I can’t.
Sharing my past with her wasn’t in my plans, but when she told me about her sexual assault, something in me shifted. For the first time, I felt safe enough to talk about it. Like she would understand what I’d gone through. Our friendship began after that, and I never looked back with regret.
“I know you’ve avoided relationships because you don’t feel worthy of love,” she says matter-of-factly—it’s true. Every word. “But you’ve always looked different around Lila. Softer. Lighter. Like the weight of everything you’ve ever endured wasn’t heavy at all. I’d be encouraging you if this were anyone else, but this… This won’t end well.”
“I don’t care if it doesn’t end well for me. How’s she?”
She searches my gaze for something I’m not sure she’ll find. “She’s hanging in there.”
Her response is vague, probably because she doesn’t want me to know more than necessary. I’d normally pick up on such cues and respect them, but just the thought of not knowing how Lila is really doing kills me.
So that’s why I ask her mom, “Did she graduate?”
“She did,” she confirms. “I heard you resigned.”
“It was the right thing to do,” I say. “I know Lila is a responsible adult, but I’m older and I was in a position of power—I’m supposed to know better. I didn’t stop when I had the chance. Dealing with the consequences is the least I can do.”
She hesitates, looking away. “I’ll be honest with you, Reed. I’m not… mad at you. I want to be. I should be, but I know you. You’re not a bad man.”
She’s lying. I knew how it was going to end, and I still did it out of selfishness.
“And, frankly, I saw this coming.”
That makes my self-deprecating thoughts come to a halt. “What do you mean?”
“That night, when you came for dinner at our house, I could see something between you two,” she admits. “Cal told me I was just seeing things, but a mother’s instincts never lie.”
I run a hand across my jaw. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not my place to accept your apology.”
It’s Lila’s. But how is she going to when I doubt I’ll ever see her again?
No matter how many times I apologize or how deeply I mean it, though, she can choose not to forgive me. She has every right to after everything I’ve put and still am putting her through. I’ve done nothing to deserve her forgiveness.
“All this would’ve happened no matter what you did,” Grace says, sadness coating her gaze. “Sure, maybe you and Lila should’ve never happened in the first place. But the fact that you were a professor and she a student in the same university at the same time would’ve followed you forever, no matter if you’d gotten together one month or one year after graduation. People love gossiping about that stuff because it sounds scandalous.”
I know she’s right, but still, I say, “It should’ve never happened.”
“There’s nothing you can do about it now.” The emotion in her voice sounds a lot like pity.
I pause before asking the dreaded question. “What does Cal think?”
I’m surprised he hasn’t hunted me down yet.
“He’s…” She hesitates again. “He needs time. Space, too.”
Not the answer I wanted, but surely the one I deserve.
“Are we okay, Grace?” I ask, unsure if I’m ready to hear the answer.
“Like I said, I don’t think you’re a bad man,” she starts, “but I also need some time. I hope you understand.”
I give her a stiff nod.
She gets to her feet, her expression unreadable once again. “Take care of yourself, Reed. I mean it.”
She’s about to exit my office when I stop her.
“Is Lila coming back?”
Slowly, she turns. “To the youth center?”
I nod. “The kids miss her.”
I miss her.
Those words don’t leave my mouth, but I can tell she has picked up on them all the same.
“She isn’t here, Reed.”
My stomach drops. “What do you mean?”
“She isn’t in Warlington. She left.”
“Where?” I ask, like I have a right to know.
For a moment, I think she’s not going to answer. But finally, she says, “To Norcastle. I don’t know if she wants to come back.”
Norcastle. That’s a big city, far more crowded and dangerous than our small college town. Hours away.
She left because of me. She left, and she may never come back.
“All right,” I concede, schooling my features so she doesn’t see the devastation in my face. “Thank you for stopping by. It means a lot.”
She nods. “Take care.”
Silence washes over the room when she shuts the door behind her. Despite the brightness in my office, my heart has never felt so dark.
I’ve lost her.
I’ve lost Lila, the only woman I’ve ever loved, all because I thought I was deserving of her light. But I’ve only extinguished it.
What if she never shines again?
The thought of flying to Norcastle crosses my mind before I tell myself I’ve already ruined her life enough.
Lila will never be mine, even if my heart will only ever beat for her.