CHAPTER 39
Lila
T he dim glow coming from my phone is the only light in my bedroom. I’m unable to take my eyes off the three dots dancing on the screen until his reply comes through.
Reed: Of course.
Taking a deep breath through my nose, I ignore the pounding of my heart and tell myself it’s going to be okay. This is what I want. What I’ve been thinking about since that late-night conversation with my aunt and uncle months ago. Even longer, if I’m honest.
I wrap my softest blanket around my shoulders and sit back against the headboard.
The past seven months without Reed have been eye-opening in very necessary but painful ways. The last time we saw each other, I thought I’d never want him in my life again. I wasn’t angry at him, not really—I was angry at myself for having lowered my guard after I promised my career would always come first.
Graduating in January was something I wasn’t expecting. But once I got my diploma, it didn’t feel… right. It wasn’t like I’d fallen out of love with my dream of becoming a youth counselor, but after everything that had happened, it didn’t feel like the right time. Becoming a Masters graduate in counseling didn’t change the fact that I still didn’t know who I was. That I saw no value to myself outside academia.
Months of being away from the gossip, my comfort zone, him , slowly started to change my perspective. And when I found myself unable to stop thinking about the calm way my heart would feel with Reed, the easy way I would breathe with him, I simply didn’t fight it.
I had no plan when I sent him that first text in May. If anything, the past few months have taught me that plans don’t always happen, no matter how badly you want them to. I’ve learned that it’s okay to go with the flow and that I’m capable enough to ride any wave.
Now, I also have no plan as my finger hovers above the Call button. All I know is that I’ve spent enough time away from everything and everyone to decide what I really want and don’t want.
And I want him.
I press the button and hold my breath.
“Hey.”
The sound of his voice, so deep, so familiar, makes my knees buckle and my heart flip.
My own only comes out as a whisper. “Hi.”
I hear his soft breathing in the background, and it grounds me. He’s here. With me.
“I wasn’t expecting my night to go like this,” he admits, a hint of a smile in his voice.
God, I miss that smile. I miss when it was directed at me.
“Any complaints?” I ask, my voice quiet.
“None at all. How was your day?”
I pull my knees against my chest. “I went to a pottery class.”
“Any new mugs in the works?”
“I’m going down a cereal bowl rabbit hole right now,” I tell him, the shyness peeling away from my voice with every interaction. “I also looked into Spanish lessons for adults. I think it’ll be good for socializing, too.”
“That sounds incredible, Lila.”
The way he says my name sends a thrill down my spine. I hug my blanket tighter against myself, wishing I was in his arms instead. “How was your day?”
“I heard back from a foster agency this morning. About the job.”
I sit up, excited. “How did it go? They want you, don’t they?”
His chuckle makes me clamp my legs together. Stop it . “They sure do.”
“I knew it.” I beam. “I bet they didn’t even read past your name on the application. I mean, who doesn’t know the Reed Abner?”
“Way to stroke my ego, little criminal.”
My stomach does a little flutter at the nickname. “Just telling the truth. Will you say yes? Or are you waiting for any more offers?”
“Honestly, I might say yes to this one.”
“Oh?”
“It’s, ah…” He clears his throat, hesitating. “The foster agency. It’s the same one that handled my case when I was a kid.”
My chest constricts. “Talk about meant to be.”
“Yeah. I guess it is.”
Silence falls, but it’s not uncomfortable. I feel him so close, as if he were in the room with me. I wish he were.
“Lila,” he starts softly.
“Yes?”
“Can you keep talking to me? I miss hearing your voice.”
The organ in my chest melts, and I let it happen.
“I miss your voice, too,” I admit quietly.
“Yeah?”
I nod even though he can’t see me.
“What else do you miss?” he asks next, sounding almost shy.
I take a shaky breath, my heart beating so loud that I’m afraid he’ll hear it from the other side of the line.
“I miss…” Everything . “I miss Ginny. A lot.”
“She misses you too.”
Great. Now I’m about to start sobbing.
“I miss the youth center,” I continue. “I miss running workshops with you, helping the kids with homework…just being there with all of you. I miss Haniyah and all the volunteers. I miss…”
I miss you.
“Lila.” My name is followed by a deep sigh. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry I was so careless. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you talking to me again.”
We’re doing this.
We’re finally talking about what happened in December.
I’m still scared to because this new me isn’t used to taking leaps of faith. I did it once, and it ended up in tears. What will happen if I open up my heart now?
“I’m sorry, too,” I whisper into the night, my hands clammy with nerves.
“You don’t have to apologize—”
“I do,” I cut him off.
“Lila, you don’t,” he insists. “I’m the older one. I should’ve stopped us when I had the chance.”
“Just let me… Let me say this.” I swallow. “Please.”
“Okay,” he concedes.
All my life, I’ve been too preoccupied with everyone’s idea of me to develop my true sense of self—and I’m not blaming anyone but me for it.
All those months in Norcastle, where I felt free to follow my own path without worrying about anyone’s expectations, made me realize something—I’ve been the prisoner of my own anxiety and overthinking all this time, subject to expectations that weren’t there.
I was free to be myself all this time, and I couldn’t see it. But I’ve finally become a woman who refuses to betray her heart ever again.
“We were never a mistake,” I tell Reed quietly, feeling the weight of regret leaving my shoulders with every word. “You didn’t ruin my career. If anything, I ruined it for myself, but it’s not… It’s not truly ruined. The rumors might follow me around forever, but we both know they aren’t true. And yes, we broke some rules, but my value as a youth counselor has nothing to do with my relationships in the first place. I know my worth now, and I know I’ve earned everything I’ve got through hard work.
“I’m sorry I said being with you was a mistake, Reed, because you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
A pause. Then his rough whisper, “Say my name again.”
“Reed,” I whisper, my lips tilting into a smile.
“Fuck. I missed that,” he breathes. “ You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me , Lila. You deserve all the good things that happen to you because you’ve worked so damn hard for them. But that doesn’t change the fact that I will never forgive myself for hurting you.”
“We both hurt each other, and we hurt ourselves,” I say. “What is done is done.”
“And what happens now?”
I throw my head back, eyes lost on the ceiling.
“I don’t know,” I admit quietly. “Everything is complicated.”
According to Eva, the rumors on campus have been going on all year, even after Reed left—that only made them worse. What Karla started will follow me forever, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a martyr.
“I understand.” His voice sounds so gruff, it sends a thrill to my core. “Maybe it makes me a selfish bastard, but I don’t want to lose you. Not again.”
“You won’t lose me,” I reassure him. “I don’t want to lose you either.”
“You won’t.”
“Are we friends, Reed?”
“I’ll be whatever you want me to be as long as I get to stay in your life, angel.”
It’s his nickname for me that fills my eyes with unshed, relieved tears.
“I want to call you again tomorrow,” I confess. “Can we do that?”
“Of course we can,” he says softly. “Whenever you want to, I’m always here.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
One step at a time. I can do that.
“Good night, Reed,” I mutter with a hopeful gleam in my chest.
“Sleep well, Lila. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
When we hang up, I look around my dark room and realize something—I feel lighter, and so does the world around me.