Chapter 5 Morco #2
I felt a flush I didn’t like, an accusation I didn’t appreciate. “I said no such thing.”
“But your detailed description suggests it.”
“My description was detailed because you…” I clenched my eyes shut and stopped myself from releasing the sigh of frustration I felt.
“Because what, Morco?”
“Because you can’t see her…” Because her sight had been carved from her face while she screamed for it to stop. Because she’d been damned to eternal night that no apricum could ever illuminate. “Not once did I say she was beautiful or describe the feminine characteristics of her body.”
“Alright,” she said simply. “Is she beautiful?”
I closed my eyes again. “Why do you provoke me? What is the purpose?” I never shared my private life with her. Because she was blind, I never had to hide a woman I didn’t want her to see.
“Because attraction destroys objectivity, Morco.”
“My objectivity remains intact. I witnessed her actions firsthand. They are not exaggerated or inaccurate. It sounds like your objectivity is the one in question since you’ve chosen to distrust her, regardless of her contribution to this tribe, simply because she’s from the surface.”
If my mother had eyes, they would burn white-hot into mine right now. “Answer the question, Morco.”
“My preferences in women are none of your business.” It took all my strength not to raise my voice, to treat my mother with constant respect when I questioned whether she deserved it.
“Allegra came to me while you were gone.”
Now my anger shifted from one person to another.
“She said you don’t want children. Is that true?” She cocked her head slightly, utilizing all the mannerisms she’d had when she’d had her sight. Despite the anger I detected in her voice, she restrained herself like I did.
I took a heavy breath. “This matter doesn’t involve you.”
“The continuation of my bloodline does involve me, Morco. Our population has been decimated, and the only way to rebuild is to have new life. Boys to grow into men. Girls to have more children. That’s how it has to be.”
“For what reason?”
“I just said—”
“So we can continue this dark, painful, and hungry existence? We have no chance to defeat the Knives—and you know it. We hide in the shadows and learn to live in the dark because someone else has stolen our light. I was brought into this world to fight a war I didn’t ask for, so why would I do the same to my child? ”
She gave a slight flinch, like my words had done as much damage as a sharp dagger.
“I’ve never known joy or peace. All I’ve known is survive, survive, survive. I’m tired of fucking surviving. Aren’t you?”
“What…what are you saying? That you wish you hadn’t been born—”
“Yes. All the time. Every fucking day.”
Her breathing changed, made her chest move up and down, made her body tighten and her arms come closer to her core.
“We defeat the Knives in my lifetime—or we perish.”
Drops started to form in her sockets, tears that she could still shed. It was a strange phenomenon to witness, to see the water drip into an empty socket, build up in the basin, and then slip over the edge.
“I lead these people every day, but I only lead them to their graves. I’m responsible for you and everyone else in this fucking tribe, and now I’m supposed to be responsible for a defenseless creature whose only purpose is to grow up and fight and die?
It sounds like I’m raising livestock to slaughter. ”
“The mother would raise them.”
“And you think I’d want that either?”
She continued to cry, harder now, as I said all the things she didn’t want to hear.
“I’m not going to make a baby with a woman I don’t even love. Just for her to risk her life birthing a child I don’t even want. Just for him to grow up and get his eyes carved out of his fucking face—”
She gasped and cupped her mouth with her hand.
I knew I’d taken it too far, and I clenched my eyes shut to block out the horror. I should apologize for what I said, but I couldn’t do it, couldn’t do it because I meant every word. “Allegra needs to find someone else to be her partner, because it won’t be me.”
I headed back to the Gathering, the light from the bonfire becoming more brilliant the closer I approached.
The sound of conversation was loud and packed with excited energy because of the impending meal.
We hadn’t eaten properly in nearly a month, and my people had succumbed to the misery of the daily hunger pangs.
I’d gone numb a long time ago, so I hardly noticed them.
The guys placed the carcasses on the tables and began to prepare the meat, while the women stood around, most of them visibly pregnant and on the verge of childbirth. The food couldn’t have come at a better time.
My intention was to return to my cabin and let the anger subside in my veins, but I was anxious and hungry. And I wanted to see the fruits of my labor, see my people happy instead of drenched in misery.
My eyes searched the crowd around the bonfire, but then dark hair came into my peripheral, along with green eyes. My sight adjusted to the foreground, and then Allegra’s features became visible.
The last person I wanted to see.
“You’re hurt.” Her eyes went down to the bandages on my exposed arms. She reached for my flesh.
“I’m fine.” The bite in my tone made her immediately withdraw.
Her eyes snapped back to mine.
The ferocity poured out of me and packed into my stare. If we weren’t surrounded by the people I was obligated to lead, I would speak with viciousness rather than angry silence.
Her stare cowered and her features tightened. “Thank you for bringing this to us. It’s exactly what we needed.”
My eyes flicked past her, and I saw Caius preparing one of the dogs.
The others worked to prepare the stew. Laughter accompanied the work, everyone excited for the feast about to ensue.
They were cheerful, like we’d won a war when we hadn’t even won a battle.
A victory was immortal, but this meal was temporary.
We would feel nourished for a week, but then we’d be right back to where we started.
“You spoke to your mother…”
My eyes continued to search for the prominent blue eyes that showed strength and fear simultaneously. But they were nowhere to be found.
“You know I lost my mother in the war. And your mother has always been a great substitute.”
“She can be a substitute all you want. But I’m not up for discussion.”
Hanne finally emerged from the path, carrying a bundle wrapped in linen.
She moved to an empty table and gently placed the contents on the surface.
A couple potatoes rolled away, and she caught them before they dropped to the earth.
She took a seat and started to clean them with the linen, like she’d just washed them off with the water from the lake.
Without instruction, she immediately became one of us, offering her contribution freely.
She grabbed a knife from the table and started to prepare the root vegetables and extract the seeds we would need to plant our own crops.
Allegra continued to stare at me. “I understand you’re under great stress. It eats at you every day—”
“Then perhaps you shouldn’t create more stress for me.
” My eyes remained on Hanne, watching her chop the vegetables like she’d done this before.
She was responsible for this whole evening.
I might have killed the wolves, but we never would have found them without her.
“Perhaps you shouldn’t tell my mother everything I’ve shared with you in confidence. ”
Allegra skipped right over that, refusing to take accountability for the betrayal. “I understand you need more time. That’s fine, I can wait.”
“More time?” I moved my eyes back to her. “Time is a luxury none of us has. A promise of a lifetime wouldn’t change my decision. Allegra, find someone else. My decision won’t change.”
“But I want you—”
“Too fucking bad.” My eyes moved back to Hanne, seeing her make piles of the seeds that were separate from the vegetables she sliced. “We’re done, Allegra.”
Her eyes flicked back and forth between mine in disbelief.
Then she looked over her shoulder and followed my gaze, seeing Hanne sitting alone at the table while everyone else helped with the meat.
Her stare lingered for a while before she slowly turned back to me.
Nothing was said, but her anger was suddenly palpable.
So palpable that it made me look at her again.
“I declined offers because I wanted you. Now, a lot of the men are paired off.”
“Demand my pity, and you’ll receive nothing.”
There was a distinct flash across her eyes, a burning flame that attempted to send my soul to the pyre.
She held too much anger for her to express, and for the first time, she was speechless.
It seemed like she considered slapping me, and she probably would have if there weren’t a gathering of witnesses to see it.
She walked past me and headed toward the cabins, her footsteps growing quiet and then silent once she was gone.
My eyes returned to Hanne. She presented the vegetables that she’d prepared and dumped half of them into the first cauldron that was about to hang over the fire. We had too much meat to cook at once, so it would have to be done in batches.
If I weren’t so damn hungry, I would retire to my cabin for the evening, but all I’d had the last few days had been a couple pieces of jerky. Hanne had donated her jerky to me, but even then, it wasn’t close to being enough.
I moved to the table where Hanne had been sitting and looked at the pile of seeds that she had harvested on the linen.
They were small enough to be dots, and it was hard to believe something as hearty as a potato could come from something so tiny.
I stared around at the efforts from the hard work of my labor, of the risk I’d taken to my life.
It seemed like such a small payment for such a great adventure, but it was something.
Hanne returned to the table and sat across from me.
She hardly knew me, but she was hesitant, like she could read the anger on my face or could feel it like flames from a fire.
She took a seat and didn’t inundate me with questions about my mental state.
Her eyes moved to the seeds she had gathered, and she separated them into two piles.
“I’ll plant these soon. If I wait too long, they’ll dry and wither. ”
I gave a slight nod.
“We should go back for more. Because not all seeds take root, and not all plantings lead to bountiful harvests. The more, the better. Plus, I didn’t find the mushrooms. Those are nice because it’s nearly impossible to kill them.”
“We’ll make our plans tomorrow.” I was tired, hungry, and fucking mad. I did my best to hide it from her because she didn’t deserve wrath that she didn’t provoke. But she seemed too intuitive not to notice. And too smart to ask me about it.
Silence fell, and it seemed agreeable to us both. She continued to examine the seeds that she had extracted from the vegetables, either because she was that engrossed in the task or she wanted to avoid my gaze.
I continued to look at her, to stare at the eyes that were impossible to describe. I’d noticed them the first time I saw her, but now I studied them in far greater detail. “Do others on the surface have eyes like yours?”
She looked up from her work, her brilliant eyes slightly provoked by the question. “No…they’re rare.”
Now that her eyes looked directly into mine, I could see their texture, the subtle cracked lines within the blue. Like a stone at the bottom of a blue river. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I just know it’s been in my bloodline for generations.”
“Peasants don’t speak of bloodlines. Only nobility.” I didn’t force myself into her crypt of secrets with a shovel. I knocked at the door and waited for her to answer.
Her eyes dropped down to the seeds again. “You’re right.”
“Morco.”
I turned when I heard Caius address me. He carried a large bowl toward me, a bowl bigger than the ones we normally used during eating times. Steam was heavy on the surface, like smoke from a bonfire.
He placed it on the table and slid it toward me. “You eat first, Chief.” He stopped when the bowl was in front of me, and he handed me the wooden spoon, his lips in a slight smile.
I stared at the spoon for a second before I took it, hating the attention that I drew from everyone in the Gathering but also moved by it. I felt like a failure to these people every day—except for this one.
I took the spoon. “Thank you, Caius.”
He clapped me on the shoulder.
“I provided the meat, but Hanne provided everything else. She eats second.”
Caius gave no objection and returned to the fire to get a second bowl.
I left the spoon inside the bowl, the steam still dancing on the surface like flames.
Caius brought the next bowl and set it in front of her, along with another spoon.
Both of our meals were too hot to eat, so neither of us touched them, just looking at each other as we waited for the food to cool.
My back was to the fire and she faced it directly, so her eyes had greater depth and detail in the light.
Her hair was still a mess from the journey and she looked dead tired, but her eyes continued to burn like the bonfire that was reflected in her stare, a flame that would never extinguish.