22. Chapter 16
Chapter 16
Stone
“ W hat in the—” curse “—did I do?”
I slam my palms against the bathroom sink as I stare at my reflection with insurmountable disgust. My hair is sticking up in every direction, long, red marks trailing down my chest, an outward expression of the guilt clawing my insides.
Images of Lucy running her hands through my hair, gripping my arms, among many, many other things race through my head, acting as a driving force, demanding I return to my bedroom where she’s snuggled up in a plaid blanket cocoon, sleeping as if she’s in perfect harmony with the world.
Peace settled upon me, too, last night, when she said she loved me. Except that peace was a falsified monster and now I want to run out of my own house in a desperate escape to flee the conversation I’m going to have to have with her when she wakes up. Those three words bounce around my brain, tightening my chest and pressing a heavy weight upon my shoulders.
The least I can do is make her breakfast and coffee, right ?
After smoothing my hair down and tiptoeing into the room (purposefully avoiding letting my eyes wander to the woman in my bed) to swipe a t-shirt and jogging pants, I make my way into the living room.
Popcorn litters the couch and floor, and I set to work cleaning it as best as I can without breaking out the vacuum. Once I’m finished, I get a pot of coffee brewing and begin to start on breakfast, opting to cook bacon, eggs, and toast. Simple but nutritious.
As I’m cooking, a mindless task for me, I try to come up with the right words to say to Lucy. I could immediately apologize for slipping up and tempting her and say it won’t happen again, but I’m not so sure that’s the truth. If she still wants to stick around after this…
I could tell her that it was the bourbon’s fault, but I think we both know I handle my liquor well by now. She’d see right through that.
I could be completely honest and tell her I enjoy her company more than I enjoy breathing, and I adore the way her real smiles tend to come out when we’re alone together. I could say that her kisses and touches bring me to my knees. I could say that she has me wrapped around her finger.
But none of that would matter because regardless of those things, I cannot fully give her my heart. This freak out I’m having this morning is proof of that. I’m not ready. I’ve given her my time, my money, my history, and my body… But my heart? The idea of loving her absolutely terrifies me. What if I was to propose to her and she walked away from me? What if she wakes up one morning and realizes I’m not enough for her ?
Those walls will stay up. Admittedly, the walls are growing shorter and shorter with every personal, non-judgmental conversation we have together, but they remain as strong as ever, nonetheless.
Whatever I decide to tell her, or whatever stupid excuse bolts from my mouth the moment she questions me about our relationship status, I have to keep better control of myself if she sticks around.
I didn’t realize the importance of doing that until I woke up with a pit in my stomach over the thought that she told me she loved me last night and then I took her to bed.
I slept with her after she told me she loved me.
And that right there is the reason I am not in a space to love her in return. The lust is too strong, and I have the slimmest of control. Lucy deserves so much better than who I am and what I can give her. Heck, even if I did allow myself to love her and could commit to her fully, I still wouldn’t be worthy.
Excuses, excuses, my inner thoughts taunt, but I kick them out for the moment. I have to focus and see what I can salvage between me and Lucy. Especially because we work together.
That thought punches me square in the jaw, and I groan. How in the world are we going to navigate work?
“Oh, this smells divine,” a feminine voice that’s registering on the sleepy end yanks me from my thoughts. I’m not ready…
But I spin around to face her anyway.
Lucy’s strawberry curls are scooped up into a messy bun on top of her head, and she wears one of my oversized dress shirts.
And that seems to be it .
I swallow, fighting to keep my gaze from traveling down her bare legs. She smirks as if she notices the restraint I’m attempting to hold. “It’s okay,” she whispers, walking towards me in a sultry manner. “You can look.”
Not needing any more permission than that, I freely take her in, admiring the sheer beauty of the woman in front of me. Why, why can’t I just let myself love her genuinely and without restraint? Why can’t I control my desire for her and respect her by not bonding her to me without a lifetime commitment?
I snap my gaze back up to her face as she laughs. The sound is carefree and buoyant, and I can’t remember a time where she sounded this happy.
Joyful.
She finally sounds like she’s living life instead of barely surviving.
Guilt eats at me as I try to form words. I tell her she looks amazing in my shirt, which is God’s honest truth. I ask her how she slept. I make her eggs scrambled and her coffee with sugar and cream, just as she likes it.
Because regardless of my fear of commitment, and regardless that I’m scared as a cat in water to get down on one knee for a woman again, I know Lucy.
I know her so well. And now she openly loves me.
Why did I sleep with her last night when I can’t bring myself to say those words back to her?
It’s not like I haven’t slept with women before, but none of those women confessed they loved me prior to it. None of them had been spending days upon days working alongside me during the day and then going on dates with me at night. None of them revealed feeling like a burden to other people or like they couldn’t escape loneliness or like they were rejected in life.
But Lucy May Spence did.
I—I care about her. Deeply. And that has to be why this guilt is crushing me like a loaded barbell. For the first time in a long time, I genuinely don’t want to even mistakenly do wrong by a woman.
But I did. Oh, I did…
“Lucy, I’m so sorry,” I blurt. Tears push against my eyes, but I know better than to let them out. Men don’t cry. Not in south Mississippi.
“Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry for, Stone.” She gets up from the kitchen table where she was scrolling on her phone and stands beside me, placing one hand on my arm. “If it’s about last night, don’t apologize. I’m a big girl. I made my choice. And now I feel happier than I have in a month. I feel free. All thanks to you.” She stands on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek. “Are you well?” I nod my head and attempt a smile, silencing all the emotions for the time being. She looks as happy as she claims to be, and I am not going to take that from her. Not today.
Today, and for today only, I’m going to play pretend one more time and treat her like the gem of a woman she is.
Then I’ll let her go so she can one day find someone worthy of her. Someone who won’t sleep with her when she says she loves him even though he can’t figure out his own emotions and thoughts. Someone with better control of himself.
I turn with two prepared plates in my hand and kiss her forehead. “Ready to eat, Little Lion?” “ I’m starved,” she says, bouncing on her toes as she navigates back to the kitchen table.
After we eat, exchanging small talk and bantering back and forth, I take Lucy home and immediately begin the long drive to Dasher Valley.
I send Lucy a text a little while after leaving her saying there is an emergency back at home, and I am going to spend the rest of the weekend there. I tell her I won’t be back until Tuesday and ask her to hold down the center for me on Monday. Finally, I send a message to Jeanie saying I will be out and Lucy will stand in for me.
Having my ducks in a row, I run away to seek solace at home like the broken and scarred twenty-five year old man that I am. This is my breaking point. Something’s gotta give.
L ucas lets out a long whistle as Jared stares at me like I’m the biggest idiot in existence.
He’s right, of course, but it still doesn't feel great to have a hulkish man like him look at you that way. I take a swig of sweet tea, looking out from the bleachers at the soccer field we are currently having a work day on. We came out here after our post-church family lunch because I told Lucas I needed to talk to him about Lucy. He sighed, shook his head, and said if I was going to make stupid choices and run to him about them then the least I could do was to help him do some field work. Football season ended about a week ago, and now he’s getting the field prepped for soccer season to begin. Though he is the athletic director at Dasher Valley High, he wanted to maintain coaching soccer and teaching. At least until he has kids of his own, he says.
Eventually, Lucas speaks. “Why don’t you just let yourself love her, Stone? I don’t get it. You talk about her like she hung the moon and stars. You might be obsessed with her, to be honest. Why not give her the chance to open your heart back up and bring some healing into your life?”
He’s not a man of many words, so I’m shocked at his open evaluation. I finally told the two of them the full story behind Lacey so they would understand why I’m resistant, but apparently that didn’t matter. “I told you. I don’t feel worthy. She’ll see that and will toss me to the side.”
“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing with women?” Jared retorts, lifting his brows.
“It’s not the same,” I defend. “All the women I’ve been with or have dated short-term knew that’s what I was doing. Lucy knew this was all fake. It’s what we agreed upon. And then when it became real, I tried. I opened up some to her. I really tried. But then she went and fell in love with me, and I’m just not ready.”
“No, you are. You fell in love with her. You just won’t admit it,” Lucas adds sardonically.
I glare at him with a look that would set fire to the field right now.
“I am not in love with her. I care about her and respect her, but I don’t love her.” How can I possibly love her if I have sex with her after she tells me she loves me when I know I can’t say it back ?
Jared clicks his tongue then knocks me on the back of the head. I shoot to my feet, prepared to hit him back, but as he stands, I remember he’s a walking one-man army and opt to sneer at him instead.
“You’re a fool, Stone. Caring about a woman and respecting her are the primary ways we men show love. You’ve watched me and your brother fall in love with our wives. You know what it looks like. And if you care for and respect her so much, why didn’t you keep it in your pants?” And with that comment—the very thing I currently hate myself for—I do swing on him, but he catches my fist and twists my arm until I tap out.
“Chill out, dude. Let’s be real, okay? You’ve already told us everything, so now it’s time you listen to what we have to say without getting angry or offended. We care about you and want to see you happy,” Jared yells before he releases my fist. I shake out my arm while rubbing my wrists as Lucas begins to speak, both men now flanking my sides as we stand on the bleachers.
“You should really listen to Jared. He smacked sense into me when it came to your sister. There’s a wise man underneath that muscle.”
Jared scoffs and folds his arms, which hopefully means there will be no more smacking.
After a minute of silence passes, I realize they are both waiting on me to say something. “I know I shouldn’t have slept with her after she told me she loved me. Guilt has been eating me alive since it happened, and I know I need to tell her that we can’t be together, but she just looked so happy the next morning. I hadn’t seen her look that light in such a long time. How can I take that from her?”
“Bingo,” Jared says at the same time Lucas replies with, “You love her.”
Right as I open my mouth to protest, Lucas cuts me off. “You love her at least in some capacity. While I can’t tell you that it’s in a ‘you want to marry her’ type of way, though I’d venture to say it is, what you feel for her as shown by your stupid actions and thoughts is love. The fact you don’t feel worthy of her and you want her to be happy is love. Now the question remains: Are you going to do what it takes and put in the work to be worthy of her or not?”
Chewing on his words while picking at my fingernails, I can’t deny what he’s saying. I care about her. I respect her, even if I didn’t show it by hopping into bed with her after she confessed. The guilt that clawed at my throat was like none other. I’m usually only a smidge guilty when I sleep with a woman. With Lucy… how could I do that to her? She’s precious and kind and understanding and patient, and I—
Do I—
Do I love her?
“I’ll think about what you’ve both said. But for now, I think I need time to process in quiet. Let's resume some field work.”
They both agree, and I head to the fieldhouse to work on moving soccer equipment in and the football equipment out.
When we finish for the day, I realize I had left my phone in Lucas’s truck, so I start checking messages, most of which seem to be from Lucy.
Little Lion: Good morning :)
Little Lion: Hope you have a productive day. I’m going to take this time to get some work done on the business side of authoring.
Three hours later…
Little Lion: Afternoon! Hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon.
An hour later…
Missed call from Little Lion.
Little Lion: Stone? You good? I’m kind of worried about you.
Forty-five minutes later…
Little Lion: Are you upset with me? Did I do something wrong?
Little Lion: Please don’t tell me you’re bailing out on me after I told you I loved you…
Little Lion: Don’t do this to me, Stone…
Two hours later…
Little Lion: You’re probably just busy and I’m acting like a deranged girlfriend. I’m sorry. But do please message me to set the record straight when you see this.
Releasing a long breath, I begin to type a reply.
Me: Hey, I’m sorry. I haven’t really been on my phone all day between church, a family lunch, and then doing some field work with Lucas and Jared. Everything is fine, and we are good. You haven’t done anything wrong, I just haven’t been around my phone. I’m sorry.
I know deep down that the message doesn’t justify anything. Any person in their right mind would feel jaded and dismissed after going all day without so much as a “hey” from the person they care about. I have so much to process and work through. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.
You’re going to hurt her, anyway, Pebbles. I roll my eyes. Great. Now my own consciousness is using the same nickname she does when she’s perturbed with me.
Even I’m apprehensive of myself.
My phone vibrates in my hand as we pull up to Lucas’s house where I left my bike.
Little Lion: I’m glad you’re okay! And all is well. Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate it. Did your field work go well?
I’m not in the right headspace to speak with her right now due to all the up-in-the-air thoughts racing through my brain, so I ignore her and tell myself I’ll message her back when I’m back at Mom’s and in bed.
Except when I drift off into a fitful sleep, I remember I never messaged back .
And while it rips me apart that I can’t seem to do it, I push the feelings down and fade into blackness.