28. Chapter 21
Chapter 21
Lucy
“ I need more coffee,” I complain as we finally reach the small Mississippi beach town of Willow Bay. Eleven hours in the car after leaving at three in the morning takes a toll on a girl.
“You’ve had like five cups,” Hadley remarks, getting out of the passenger seat and stretching. Lorelei drove because she gets car sick easily while me and Hadley rode with her. Finley, Braxton, Gabriel and Anders followed behind us.
“Yep. Sure did. Got one every time you decided you had to pee.”
Lorelei laughs. “Girls, girls. Behave yourselves. I know road trips make people hangry, so let’s go eat some real food instead of the snacks we’ve consumed.” She points to a colorful restaurant a little ways down the boardwalk.
The sun is shining hot and bright for a late November day, and the salty, gentle breeze rolling in from the brown coastal waters up ahead brings the temperature down to the perfect metaphorical “sunny and seventy-five. ”
We eat at a seafood restaurant that is raised on piles, painted in vibrant colors of blues and yellows, and overlooks the beach. Afterwards, we checked into a lovely beach house with an open screen porch, a beautiful view of the water, and enough rooms to where we can all sleep comfortably. The guys head off to do some fishing off the nearby pier while Lorelei, Hadley, and I hang behind to have some girl-time on the breezy, plant-filled porch.
“I might move down here,” Hadley sighs with her head laid back on the cushioned rocking chair. I side-eye her, but she doesn’t pay attention.
Lorelei is touching every plant on the porch, mentioning how she wished we would have brought Frannie with us instead of leaving her at Grandma Netty’s place. At this point, I may let her take Frannie back to Korsa with her. Not only have I been an atrocious cat mom, but I know Frannie misses her twin, Frizzle, just as much as I have missed mine.
“Don’t leave me alone, Hads.”
I don’t miss the sadness plaguing my voice. What was meant as a joke came out as a cry for help.
One that Lorelei heard loud and clear.
“Okay. It’s time.”
“Time?” Unease wraps me in a wool-like blanket as I sit up in the hanging egg chair.
Lorelei plops down on the other rocking chair. “We are here for my so-called bachelorette party or whatever, but mainly, I dragged you here to get you out of Juniper Grove and hold an intervention. ”
“An intervention? For what?” I look between Hadley, who is now perked up and rocking gently with her hands on her belly, and my sister who sits still as a statue.
“It’s time you tell us what really went down between you and Stone. The whole truth. ” Hadley raises her eyebrow at me, and I think she’s already nailed down the mom look.
“Grandma Netty had a phone call with me a couple of weeks ago and told me the gist of what happened: you were fake-dating him until you weren’t, and then you fell in love with him. He couldn’t say he loved you. But then he did and said he needed time to figure out things regarding his faith.”
I open my mouth to interject with something about Grandma sharing my secrets when Lorelei cuts me off. “And before you begin raging over Grandma telling me, she did it because she’s worried about you. We all are. We tried to sit back and let you work through whatever it is depressing you, but I can’t stop myself intervening any longer. Don’t ask me to explain it, but I feel your pain, even across the world. You’re depressing me, Lucy.”
I sit slack-jawed while Hadley shifts her eyes between the two of us. She clears her throat. “What Lorelei means to say is that we both love you, your grandmother loves you, and we want to see you truly happy and bubbly and joy-filled like you used to be. And we don’t want you faking it. We know it may take a long time to heal from whatever you have experienced, but we are on your side and are determined to push you through this.”
“I’m fine, guys. Really, I’m—” Out of nowhere, I start crying. Attempting to speak through the snotty huffs and breathlessness that I feel, I manage to get out, “Okay, I’m not fine. Not fine at all. It hurts so much. And even when I think the pain gets better and I’m healing, another wave hits and knocks me flat on my butt, drowning me under the rough waters.”
Hadley stands and wobbles over to me, making me scoot over in the built-for-two egg chair. She groans as I sniffle and snuggle close to her. She says, “I’ll never get out of this chair without some help.”
“That’s why I’m staying right here,” Lorelei says matter-of-factly. “The chair will not eat all three of us alive.” Hadley holds me, massaging my scalp as I cry. Once I don’t think I can shed another tear, I tell them everything that happened. Including sleeping with Stone, which my sister didn’t know about but Hadley did. I feel so much shame over it. Especially now that we aren’t together. I am a dirty and used strip of rag. Soiled and rotten.
“Oh, Lucy,” Hadley says, pulling me against her. “That feeling is the pits. I’ve definitely been in a similar situation before, and it takes a long time to heal. But it helps when you have people around who love you. Please don’t keep us at arms length regarding these things anymore. We are the last people who will judge you, okay? You know my past. It’s not pretty. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy of good things. That’s what Braxton told me. And it’s what you and your sister told me, too. Now I’m saying it back to you. Lucy May Spence, you are worthy of good things.”
“Did you read the book he gave you?” Lorelei asks.
I shake my head.
“That’s the first thing you’re doing when you get back, understand? While I’m not okay with how he went about everything, I still think you should read it. Maybe it will help with closure. It’s good to have all the facts.”
I nod, not sure if I’m going to listen to her or not. I have started reading one journal, however. “I did bring Grandma Netty’s journal. I was reading it on the way here. This one line stopped me in my tracks: ‘You were called to surrender. What you choose to give yourself over to is determined by you.’ I was surrendering myself to him because of how bored and alone I was. I missed you, Lor. I missed—and still miss—Karoline. I didn’t want to infringe upon your life, Hadley. I felt… rejected. And I think that caused me to cling to Stone. He was fun, interesting, and while we pretended, he showered me with so much attention. And when it became real, and we began opening up to one another, I knew I loved him like I’ve never loved a man before. I know I fall easily and quickly, but with him, everything was different. Regardless, he took the edge off my pain, and I don’t think it was just because of our chemistry, though I realize I was most definitely addicted to sex with him. But ultimately, it’s just him. I was stoned off of Stone.”
I hold back laughter as I watch them roll their eyes and grin.
“There’s a start. You’re cracking bad jokes,” Lorelei muses.
“Ha, you said ‘crack’ing,” Hadley echoes, and all three of us laugh like hyenas. It feels so good.
But then I start to cry again. “Saying goodbye… It hurts like no other goodbye I’ve said in my life. Deep down, regardless of the situation we found ourselves in, I think I started believing forever was attached to him. I don’t know if it was the sex or loneliness or actually him. Outside of his slow emotional processing, I adore so many things about him. That’s why it hurts so freaking bad.”
“Did you know the word goodbye originally comes from the phrase ‘God be with ye?’ If you think about it, goodbyes aren’t always permanent. Sometimes you just have to entrust another person to God because you aren’t Him.”
I stare at my too-smart sister, hope blossoming within my soul. Could that be the case? Will God give him back to me one day? Hope is a dangerous feeling, but I desperately want to cling to it.
After a moment, when no one responds, Lorelei speaks up again. “Have you considered seeking therapy for depression, anxiety, and sex addiction? Maybe it could help.”
I sigh. “It’s crossed my mind once, but I’m not even sure where to begin. Is there a Christian woman I could go to? I don’t want a secular therapist who is just going to tell me to love myself more. That’s a bunch of bull. But I also don’t want a Christian therapist who is just going to tell me to pray more and try harder. That doesn’t work very well, either.”
“Actually, I know of a woman who might work for you,” Hadley says, “if you’re comfortable seeing Braxton’s sister, Brandi.”
Brandi? “She’s a therapist?”
“Not practicing anymore, no, but I’d be willing to bet she’ll see you. She does have a degree in counseling, and I know she stays up to date on everything.”
“Huh, I didn’t know that either,” Lorelei chimes in. “Cool. She’d be perfect, Lucy. You both are already acquainted.”
“Can I promise to think it over?”
“Absolutely,” Hadley says while Lorelei nods her head.
“So, Hadley. You’ll be birthing a human next month. How are you feeling? I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you as much as I should have been.” I stroke her hair, knowing there’s no use in swimming in guilt over it. What’s done is done. I can only do better moving forward. Confessing to them was like releasing the valve on a pressure cooker, and I kind of wish I would have done it sooner.
These are my girls. My people. I love them, and I need to allow them to love me.
“I’m scared, not going to lie, but the Lord has been good to me, reaffirming that I’m going to be a good mom. Even when I make mistakes, I’ll still be a good mom. Braxton says that if I don’t believe it then to leave it up to him to make me believe it.”
“That’s our Braxton.” I laugh then shift my focus to my twin. “Are you ready for your wedding night?”
Lorelei’s face doesn’t flush red, even as Hadley begins to tease her. Instead, her brow creases as if she’s in deep thought. “I’m nervous. I’m scared I won’t be able to do it, you know? Because of my aversion to touch. It’s still sometimes hard to kiss him even though I love it with my entire soul.”
Hadley and I exchange a look before bursting out laughing. “You’re sounding like me, Lor. Talking souls and such.”
My sister mocks a laugh but shakes her head as if she’s over us.
Hadley chimes in. “Finley loves you so much. He will wait as long as you need him to. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
Lorelei smiles. “I know. He’s kind of the best, right?”
We all nod in agreement because let’s be honest, Finley Andersson is a gem.
T he scent of my dark blend coffee refreshes my tired soul.
Brandi’s confirmation text stares at me from my phone while Loneliness haunts me from the corner of the room. The beach was everything I needed with the people I needed it with, but now it’s Monday, and everyone has gone back to their real lives.
On the bookshelf, stuffed underneath a stack of Lorelei’s nonfiction books she left for me to read, is the corner of a pink composition notebook.
Stone’s story.
It taunts me, begging me to pick it up and devour the contents.
Am I ready? Ready to see our time together through his eyes?
If I do, it will cut open the measly stitches I’ve threaded over my wounds. If I don’t, I’ll never know if what he was telling me outside my door that day he came over and gave me the journal is true or not.
Knowing I’ve made my decision by the simple fact that the book is still in the house and not in a dumpster somewhere, I get up from my recliner and snatch it before plopping back down. Frannie hops in my lap as if to be my emotional support animal for the duration of reading, and I stroke her mindlessly with one hand as I flip open the notebook with the other.