32. Chapter 24
Chapter 24
Stone
S picy vanilla invades my nose from her spin, and those beautiful hazel eyes—which look stunningly green with the help of her sage-colored gown—lock onto me in shock. She gasps, her fingers tightening around my shoulder as her other hand clenches mine.
A little too tightly, but I’m not going to complain.
She’s not throwing herself away from me in disdain, so it’s a win!
Right on cue, the music transitions to an orchestra version of “Wildest Dreams,” and after shoving down my nerves for the millionth time since I’ve arrived and secretly gazed starry-eyed at her from a distance, I lead Lucy in our carefully rehearsed steps that we practiced during the evening hours within a small space in the center back in late September.
Her grip loosens in mine, her movements slowly melting into mine as we waltz in small, rehearsed circles around our dance space. She never takes her eyes off of mine, and not to be dramatic, but, I think I’m falling in love with her all over again .
When did it happen the first time?
Was it when we danced back in February? Was it when she put me in my place time and time again while I led with a boyish pursuit of her? Maybe it was when she slid into my family’s lives like she’s belonged there all along? Or when I found myself spilling my secrets over seafood?
One thing’s for sure—the initial lust I had for her is absolutely nothing compared to this feeling of deep love. And it’s love that commands me to work hard to keep my thoughts pure towards her, keep her protected, and cherish her like the strong, capable woman she is.
I spin her around and pull her in close to me. Her hand moves to gently brace the back of my neck as she tilts her chin to keep her eyes focused on mine. I see a million questions in her gaze, but we don’t dare speak a word as we move in fluid motion while the rest of the crowd disappears into a hushed blur.
It’s me, Lucy, and the music.
Her red hair, styled into perfect waves with two braids crowning her head right above the line of her bangs, flows with each spin I initiate. Somewhere throughout this dance, her shocked expression dissolved not into a smile but into a serious, contemplative look. Like I’m the study guide for a test she’s about to take.
This moment is a test of sorts.
Will she accept me?
Kick me out?
Will I falter in my resolve?
Is it possible fear will freeze me again?
Most importantly, is she in a better place to have me ?
It’s something I never told her, but she needed me to walk away as much as I needed to. I could see the pain, the hurt, and the agony in her eyes with every passing day after she told me she loved me. Acting in lust and ignoring love, I took advantage. But she wasn’t going to walk away from me. Not in her anxious state of loneliness.
I spin her out again as the song begins to draw to a close. Though her dress is loose, she does look healthier. Her freckled face is fuller, her skin warmer. She must be doing better; Lorelei most likely wouldn’t have let me come if she wasn’t.
God, don’t let me slip up and break her again. Strengthen me so that I can be the man who loves her for all of her days.
The song closes and fades into an unknown number. Probably Bach or something.
Lucy remains in my arms, one hand placed on my shoulder as her arm presses against my chest at our nearness. My hand is on her waist, burning through her dress in my nervousness. Time continues to pass as we remain as statues staring into each other’s eyes, breaths heavy from the dance. I feel the edges of my consciousness slip into inappropriate memories, so I lift a silent prayer of resolve and gently step away from her.
Dropping my hands to my side, I smile sheepishly and say the most epic “I’ve come to grand-gesture you” line in the history of forever: “Hi.”
Kill me now. How did admitting I was in love with her turn me into an awkward specimen?
Her contemplative stare turns into… Is she hiding a smile right now? Fine. I’ll remain awkward if it’s impressing her .
“Mr. Notorious Playboy Boss has lost his edge, huh?” She crosses her arms and leans to one side.
“A pretty woman will do that to a man. Especially when he loves her.” I smirk, metaphorically patting myself on the back for not having lost all my wits about me.
“Hm. So you love me?” She begins to circle me, carefully avoiding those dancing around us. I have half the mind to pull us away from the dance floor for this conversation, but the way she’s eyeing me up and down like I’m prey is clue number one as to why I’m not going to get away with dragging her off anywhere.
Despite myself, I grin. There’s my sassy, spirited, confident woman that I lassoed into fake dating me back in June.
“I do.”
“And you had to fly to Korsa to tell me that right now?”
I shrug. She finally stops her circling and steps closer to me as if challenging my intentions. “We had an agreement, remember? You needed a date to this event. We even practiced a regency-style dance. How could I possibly leave you hanging out to dry?”
Lucy’s face contorts into a grimace.
I probably shouldn’t have said that…
She spins one-eighty and walks off towards the back of the ballroom, and I follow her, zig-zagging through dancing couples.
“Lucy,” I call after her nervously as we walk past the table of food. She doesn’t stop but heads for the large double doors.
“Lucy! Let’s talk about this.”
She continues marching forward, but she throws up her hand, motioning me to follow. Two men on either side of the door pull it open by the barred handles, and I follow Lucy out of the ballroom where we are immediately wrapped in a dampened silence.
The click of her heels continuing down the tiled floors echoes off the stone walls.
“Lucy, this is far enough. We shouldn’t—” She rounds the corner of the hallway. I follow but then catch her wrists as her arm naturally swings backwards from her gait. “Let’s not get too far away from watching eyes, okay? For my protection.”
“Your protection? Do you think I’m going to hurt you or something? I—”
“No, Lucy.” I drop her wrist and close my eyes for a brief second. When I open them, she’s facing me, a challenging pout on her face that I’d like the chance to kiss off. I take another breath and speak slowly. “Not protection from you. Protection from myself. You plus me plus dark rooms equals our Lord and Savior arching His brow and turning His face away from us. It’s simple math.”
I watch her face flush in the dim candle lighting of the hallway. “You’re too tempting, and I flew all this way to tell you that I’m done being afraid. I’ve strengthened my walk with Christ, and while I know there will still be plenty of moments of faltering, I’m not afraid anymore. He’s taught me that love is selfless and looks after the other person. And because I love you, Lucy May, I will put you and your health first. I will look after you and cherish you. Forever. If you’ll have me…”
In the middle of the spewed confession, my tone went from playful and mischievous to sounding like a golden retriever in need of cuddles. Lucy must pick up on it because she takes one small half-step in my direction, her hand lifting from her side as if to reach out to me.
But she stops mid-movement, stares at her hand, and then falls back into place as if she never moved in the first place. After a long breath, she cuts her eyes from the floor up to me. “I get why you walked away. It took me a while to wrestle with the idea. I thought you were using God as an excuse to run from me. But after I read your story, spoke with a few trusted individuals, and reflected for myself, I realized you had never lied to me before. But Stone, I only came to that realization a couple of weeks ago. Yes, it freed me. Yes, I believe you. But now, I’ve started focusing on my own healing. There are some things I’ve come to learn about myself, and in all transparency, I don’t know if I’m ready for a stable, functioning relationship at the moment. And dang it, it hurts to say that to you because I love you, Stone. I love you so much that now I have to be the one to say ‘I need space to figure things out.’”
Her words are a thousand bees stinging my heart, and I feel the now-familiar push of tears behind my eyes. Lucy’s are already falling, trailing down her freckled cheeks, leaving a line of black streaking both sides, evidence of our twin flame bruise. Taking the two steps that were needed to close the distance between us, I enclose her in my arms, tugging her face close to my chest as she breaks herself apart in my arms.
I can’t tell you how many minutes pass by as she cries in my arms. Silent, tearful floods pour from me, streaming into her hair. She never said it was over between us, so why does it feel that way? I don’t resent her, nor am I upset at her for this extremely difficult choice she’s making (I mean, I had to make it a month ago myself) .
“I want this for you, Lucy. I want your healing. However long it takes.” She tries to catch her breath through her receding sobs. After a second, she pulls away from me, but I don’t let go of her. Instead, I fix my gaze on her glistening eyes (why are eyes the prettiest when they’re tear-filled?) and say slowly and surely, “I will wait for you, Lucy. Take your time and do what you need to do.”
“But what if—”
I cup her cheeks, placing my thumb over her mouth. “No what-ifs, Lucy May. You’re it for me. If you don’t want me after you’ve taken the time you need, then so be it. But as for me, you’re the love of my life.”
She nods her head, takes a small step into me, and kisses my cheek. “If healing doesn’t bring me to you, Pebbles, then I don’t want it.”
I chuckle and kiss her forehead. “I’m ready to heal together when you are, my little lion.”
“I like deadlines, Stone. That’s something you didn’t give me when you walked out, so I’m giving a deadline so you’re not left wondering when, where, why, and how like I was. The coronation is in two weeks. I’ll be home a few days after New Year's. We will talk then about where we stand with each other and what we want. Let’s take these next couple of weeks to really pray, talk to those who love and care about us, and listen to the Lord’s guidance?”
My jaw comes unhinged at the straightforward suggestion, and suddenly I’m swimming in guilt. “Thank you for that. I’m sorry I didn’t offer the same assurity to you. In the future, I will make my intentions better known and with clearer operating boundaries, okay? Thank you for teaching me that just now. ”
For the first time tonight, she genuinely smiles at me, teeth and all, and I say a prayer right then and there for the Lord to help—and selfishly, move quickly—Lucy with whatever she sees in herself that she wishes to work on.