Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
TOBIAS
After Rebecca left last night, I didn’t sleep at all.
No matter how much I tried to recall the details of the nightmare I had, they remained stubbornly out of reach.
Calling for Mum, too? What the hell was that about?
I miss my mum, sure, but she died a long time ago, and I’m not a child any longer.
The lingering remnants of the nightmare wasn’t the only reason I couldn’t sleep.
I’d curbed the urge to ask Rebecca to stay with me, but the regret from having not reached out tasted bitter on my tongue.
It’s for the best, though. We both agreed on the boundaries to our relationship, and I won’t ruin a wonderful friendship by telling her that my feelings for her have grown in a different direction.
I wanted to kiss her.
God, how I wanted to kiss her.
Yet I can’t act on that urge.
Besides, even if I did, the chances are I’d feel the same revulsion I have with every other potential sexual partner I’ve attempted intimacy with in the past. Even with Rebecca, the thought of her hands on my bare skin causes a ball of anxiety to settle in my stomach.
But what if the reality was different?
I douse that little voice in petrol and set it on fire. Rebecca has been through so much trauma. To be the one who adds to that, when she was upfront about her feelings from the very beginning, is a shit move from an even shittier person. She’s my friend, and that’s enough.
It’s enough.
Maybe if I repeat it often, I’ll begin to believe it.
When I show up for breakfast, Rebecca and Isla are in the dining room.
Rebecca is deep in conversation with Christian and Grace.
I hover in the doorway for a couple of seconds, watching my wife and my stepdaughter interact so freely with my brother and sister-in-law.
Since she began therapy, Isla has blossomed into a confident little girl who has no issues communicating what she wants without the need for speech.
Rebecca, too, stands taller now, no longer braced for the next blow.
If I never do another good deed in my life, this one is my ticket into Heaven.
Although God would probably say it wasn’t a selfless good deed, and he’d be right.
If therapy has worked for them, maybe it could work for me, too, though I suppose it would be helpful if I was a little more clued in on why I have this aversion to touch. A starting point would do. It’s not like I’m asking for much.
“Morning.” I saunter into the dining room as though I don’t have a care in the world.
Isla jumps down from her chair and runs to me.
I drop to a crouch and accept her hug and a kiss on the cheek.
When I think back to my life before this beautiful little girl came along, I see how empty it was.
She’s filled my existence with color, and I’m fucking grateful to her and Rebecca.
What I lack in physical intimacy is dwarfed by what I gain from their presence.
Jesus, I’m getting soppy in my old age.
“No Saskia?”
“No, she said she had a meeting,” Grace says, putting her knife and fork together on the plate. “She was acting really weird, though.”
“It’s Saskia. Weird is her entire personality.”
Christian grins. “Yeah, but this was extra weird. Like she had a gigantic secret she couldn’t tell under threat of death.” He swigs from a mug, sets it down, then pushes back his chair. “Excuse us, beautiful people. My gorgeous wife and I have somewhere to be.”
He ruffles Isla’s hair as he passes, and she sticks out her tongue at him, smoothing her hair at the same time. The normalcy of it pulls my chest tight. In the last three months, Rebecca and Isla have truly become a part of my family. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m so grateful.
Well, maybe there’s one thing I’d change, but that’s impossible, so what’s the point in even thinking about it?
“How are you feeling this morning?” Rebecca asks.
“Good. Did you get to sleep okay?”
“Yes, slept like a baby.”
“Me, too,” I lie.
“No more nightmares?”
“No.” I sit at the table and reach for the pot of coffee. “I’ve been thinking about what you said regarding whether I had a governess. I’m going to see Dad after breakfast and ask him.”
“Good idea.”
“When I’m done, we can go down to the stables, and you can watch me give Isla that riding lesson. If you’re still okay with me teaching her, that is.”
At the mention of her name and “stables”, Isla’s head whips around, a beaming grin on her face.
“We?” Rebecca frowns. “I thought you wanted it to be just you and Isla?”
“Whatever gave you that idea? Of course, I want you to come as well. We’re a family, and families spend time together. If you like, I can teach you at the same time.”
She pulls a face. “I’ll pass. They’re so… big. And the ground is an awfully long way down.”
“I’ll get you on a horse one day.”
“Don’t bet on it.”
After breakfast, I go in search of Dad. Alan informs me he’s playing a round of golf with Xan and Nicholas.
Our golf course is on the west side of the estate, a few miles away.
I head to the garages and jump in the first car I see.
A patter of nerves fill my stomach, and I’ve no idea why they’re there.
All I want to know is if I had private tuition as a kid.
I spot Xan by the sixth hole, lining up a putt. Dad and Nicholas are a few feet behind; their golf cart parked a short distance away. Dad’s the first to see me coming, and he holds up a hand in greeting, then beckons me over.
“Come to join us?”
I chuckle. “Thanks, I’ll pass.” I’m a terrible golfer.
“Practice makes perfect, brother.” Xan sinks the golf ball with ease.
“Only when you care enough to improve.” I pause. “Which explains why your personality has all the hallmarks of a pole shoved up your arse.”
Xan holds up his middle finger.
Dad grins and claps me on the back. “What’s up, Son?”
I take a breath and go for it. “This may seem like an odd question, but did I have a governess growing up or need additional help with my schooling at any time?”
Without hesitation, Dad nods. “After your mother died, you struggled, and your grades began to suffer. I left you for a while, sure you’d find your way as you navigated your grief, but when your teachers told me things weren’t getting any better, I hired someone to give you extra tuition a couple of evenings a week. ”
A prickle of unease makes its way down my spine. “What was her name?”
“Ava Southall. Nice woman. Husband was a bit of a control freak. Used to insist on coming with her.”
The name means nothing to me. Nothing, yet my body reacts. Chills race through me, and my heart rate spikes.
“How long did I study with her?”
“Not long—two or three months. You didn’t make the improvements we hoped for.
In fact, you went backward, retreating into your shell, hardly talking to anyone.
Your teachers said your schoolwork was worse than ever, so I fired her.
From there”—he gestures to my brothers—“Alexander and Nicholas helped you. After a year or so, you’d caught up and were back on track. ” He frowns. “What’s brought this on?”
“Not sure yet. Rebecca asked me if I’d had tuition after I… after I reacted the way I did at dinner last night. I wondered if the two were connected.”
“They could be,” Nicholas says. “That was a pretty awful time for all of us. Your mind could have connected the extra tuition with Mum and Annabel’s deaths and got muddled up.”
“Yeah, probably.” I scuff a hand over the top of my head. “Thanks. I’ll leave you to it. Giving Isla another riding lesson today.”
Dad’s face lights up. “You’ve really fallen for her, haven’t you?”
For a split second, I think he’s talking about Rebecca, and I freeze. When I realize he means Isla, my spine unlocks. “Yeah. She’s pretty damn amazing.”
I get back in the car. Instead of starting the engine, I sit there, staring through the windshield. Why don’t I remember that woman? I’d just turned eight and had recently lost my mother and my sister in dreadful circumstances, so perhaps it’s unsurprising I have gaps in my memory.
After a few minutes musing on it and getting nowhere, I set off for Oakleigh.
Rebecca and Isla are in the entrance hall, waiting.
Isla’s kitted out in the cute little riding kit I got for her, and Rebecca is wearing faded jeans and a white shirt, rolled up at the sleeves and open at the neck, paired with a pair of black flat boots.
She’s left her hair loose, and her face is makeup free.
She’s never looked more beautiful.
With difficulty, I tear my gaze away and focus my attention on Isla. “Ready for lesson number two, kiddo?”
Isla nods vigorously, then slides her hand inside mine and tugs me toward the door. I melt. This kid is my everything, and I never even saw it coming.
“What did your dad say?” Rebecca asks in a low tone.
Isla pulls herself free and skips ahead, allowing me to talk freely.
“I did have private tuition, though not for long. Two or three months, he said, shortly after Mum and Annabel passed away.” I screw up my nose.
“I have absolutely no memories of it. None at all.” I peer down at her.
“Nor do I understand why I acted the way I did when Victoria suggested a governess for Isla. It’s frustrating. ”
She slides her arm through the crook of mine, the action so normal, I’m not sure why it almost stops my heart.
“I’m no psychologist—far from it—but maybe you should try to forget about it and let your brain work on it in the background.
The answers you seek may just come to you. Or, I don’t know, consider therapy?”
I smile at the mention of therapy again. “I hear you. I am thinking about it, I promise. And what about you? Thought anymore about what Preston said?”
“A bit. I’m still not sure what the best thing to do is.”
“Take your time. You’re in control, not them.”
Isla takes to riding as though she was born in the saddle, while Rebecca is still leery, fighting between wanting to keep her distance from the pony and staying close enough to Isla in case she’s needed. A mother’s instinct, I guess, though I love that she trusts me enough to let me take the lead.
After an hour, I lift Isla down and show her how to untack the pony, then rub her down where she’s sweated underneath the saddle. As we walk back to the house, with Isla skipping ahead again in a picture of contentment, I make a decision.
“I’m going to hire a private investigator to look into the governess I had as a kid.”
Rebecca nods. “That’s a good idea. If you can find her, maybe she’ll have some answers for you.”
I hope so. If she doesn’t, I’m not sure where I go from there.