39. Chapter 39
Chapter thirty-nine
Bexley
T he gentle, lapping water is exactly what I need to calm the storm exploding in my body.
There's not a single soul here except for me. Warmth still emanates from the sun even though it's high over the mountains on the other side of town.
My toes dig into the sand as I hug my knees, pleased that I found a tiny rock-free part to bury myself in.
I can't believe that Liv said those things. I have no idea how she managed to find out, but I shouldn't be surprised. Secrets never last—I learned that the hard way.
But what's even more shocking is the fact I kissed Rylan in the middle of the hall, in front of multiple witnesses.
I mean, sure—it had the desired effect. Liv was crushed and humiliated, and I'm not on the chopping block for expulsion. I haven't escaped the consequences of my actions though. People talk. That's never going to change. Everyone in both Cedar Heights and Willowbrook will know we made out. The fallout could be disastrous for all of us. And shit… if it gets back to Mayor Astor then things will really turn nasty.
Oh, well. It was worth it to see the look on her face. She walks around thinking she's better than everyone, that she can have anything she wants—people included. Clearly, Liv has never been told no in her life, and now, someone she deems trash has taken something that she wants. That has to sting.
I guess I was never destined to keep a low profile at Willowbrook.
The sound of a car door slamming shut pulls me from my thoughts. Glancing over my shoulder, I half expect to see Arch or even Rylan, but it's not.
My brows furrow as I watch him cross the parking lot before tiptoeing over the rocks.
"Fancy finding you here," he grins.
I shake my head. "Sophia and her big mouth."
Tai sits down beside me, nearly landing in my lap as he wiggles into the sand patch to avoid taking a rock in his asshole. "I heard you caused quite the stir. Shame I missed it. Someone needed to put that crazy girl in her place."
"Well, she started it," I mumble. "Did you hear—?"
"That she tried to attack Soph? Yeah. Ry filled me in."
I snort. "So, you're everyone's go-to-guy."
Tai shrugs playfully. "Soph is stuck with me. We did share a womb together for eight whole months. As for Ry, my witty charm keeps him around."
"I think you mean ego."
"Well, if I did have one, you made sure to bruise it."
Smirking, I turn to face him. "Are your balls on the verge of falling off? I did warn you on day one that I'd go after them."
Tai laughs. "And I'm not surprised that you know how to use your mouth. You do talk a lot of shit."
"Is this our version of foreplay? Complimenting each other."
"I hardly think this counts as foreplay. I'm not a masochist, Bexley. I'd prefer my balls stay attached to my body."
"Are you sure my mean streak doesn't turn you on? Not even a little bit?"
He puts his hand on my knee, squeezing it. "Just makes me want to shut you up to be honest."
My body shakes with quiet laughter. "Lucky for you I'm not really in the mood to talk." I turn my head back to the water, mesmerized by the lapping, gentle waves that crest and fall into nothing before retreating back.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Tai nod in response. He mirrors a peaceful expression, at ease with our silence.
I find that I don't mind just sitting here with him. A few weeks ago, it would have been difficult to be relaxed around them. But now, their company doesn't bring the feelings of needing to be vigilant. It's stupid really. Even I can admit to myself that it's not the smart thing to do. I barely know them, and while our dynamic is shifting into unknown territory, I can't help but let my guard down sometimes.
It helps that they do the same—whether or not they realize. Rylan definitely knows. At the academy, he's different. Exactly like he's always been—cool, calculated, watching everyone as if they are prey. But when it's just us, everything is different. We'll never get over our blessed personality traits of needing to fight for control, but we at least have a silent agreement that sometimes it sucks. No one else knows what it feels like to play a role, sacrificing your own needs for the sake of others. I think that's why we are able to pull back our walls and be ourselves for five minutes—allowing ourselves a moment of peace to enjoy what we love, like music.
With Tai, I'm starting to see a similar vibe. His smart-ass attitude and playful demeanor are his true nature—that's not an act. But what I saw as darkness and sinister intentions is nothing more than protectiveness. All the threats, promises of destruction, it was nothing more than someone trying to protect the people he loves. We have that in common.
We may come across as cold sometimes, brutal, even to our own people. But that's the only way Tai and I know how to protect and love. I see it in the way he guards Sophia, without needing to lay a hand. And that same possessiveness crosses the threshold to Rylan and dickhead Lannister. In turn, he plays that part for his people.
I sense him staring and give in, facing him. In the light, his hazel eyes shine a vibrant green, little swirls of caramel captivating me like molten honey.
"I don't know if Soph ever told you, but our mom died too," he says.
I'm not sure what surprises me more—the news or the way he relays it so easily.
"I had no idea," I murmur softly. "I'm sorry."
Tai smiles, gazing back to the water. "It was a long time ago. But I understand what you're going through. It makes you want to implode and rage, but you can't. So, you just ignore it because there's no other option."
My eyes stay locked on him, even as he continues to look at the shoreline. "Does it get better?" I ask quietly.
"Yeah," he breathes out. "Every day it gets a little easier. Some days it all comes rushing back, but then it hurts a little less again. Then one day, you just suddenly accept it, and the sadness becomes different. It's always there but you learn how to live through it."
I rest my head on my knees, pulling my legs further into my chest. "It's exhausting."
"The only way to get through is to remind yourself that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome."
"I don't know if I believe that," I mutter sadly. "But thanks."
Tai reaches out, resting his hand on my knee as he links our fingers. "Don't let Olivia get to you. People will try to throw it in your face, but it's just words. Thanks for protecting Soph though."
I squeeze his hand. "I would protect her with my life—just like I would for any of my Cedar Heights people. She's a good kid."
"Don't let her hear you calling her that," he laughs.
Snorting, I can just imagine the verbal beatdown I'd get. But I mean every word. I had a feeling that Soph would grow on me, ever since our first encounter in the locker room. If I'm being honest, she practically forced me to be her friend, but I have no regrets. Soph was the first person to treat me as a human and not a rival, and never once gave me shit for my background. In a world full of judgmental stereotypes, she refused to stay in a box given to her by birthright.
"I won't tell if you don't."
"Deal."
Pulling out my cell, I check the time. "I have to go. There's an appointment I can't miss."
Tai slowly releases my hand, stretching out his legs. "Give me your cell."
"Why?" I ask, though I'm already handing it over.
He grins. "I'm going to give you my number."
"I already have your number."
"My real number. That was my burner phone."
I slap the top of his arm playfully.
"Ow. What was that for?" he groans, punching his details into my contact list.
"For making me listen to a documentary on whales," I shoot back, snatching my cell back when he's finished. "I could have done without the lesson on semen. Or the ass picture."
My suspicion of a pity appointment is confirmed when I'm immediately ushered into Dr. Lavings' room. He offers me a tight smile, swinging his chair to face me.
"How are you going, Bexley?" he asks sincerely.
I feel bad but all I can focus on is anger toward him. I know he's trying to be polite and caring, but this man probably knew about Mom's condition. Of course he did. He had the test results. And realistically, I understand he wouldn't be able to call me and disclose them, but it still stings. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to blame, someone to be angry at.
"I'm wonderful," I mutter sarcastically. Ouch—not cool, Bexley.
Dr. Lavings nods. "I imagine you have questions."
"How?" I ask, and we both know I'm not referring to his previous statement.
He grimaces, letting out a sigh before turning to his computer. Clicking a button, the printer beside it whirls to life, spitting out paperwork. He hands it to me, letting me scan over it for a few seconds before diving in to what I'm sure is a well-practiced speech.
"When Savanna presented with jaundice, I organized for the blood tests to check her liver function. Her markers came back indicating liver failure, so I had her admitted to assess her liver health with imaging and a biopsy. Unfortunately, subsequent testing found she had cirrhosis, likely caused by heavy alcohol consumption. Based on her results, I would say that she had this for some time, which continued to worsen and shut down her liver function."
I stare at him with hollow eyes, understanding the words but struggling to process anything.
"By the time we conducted the biopsy, she was already in end-stage liver failure. The only treatment would have been a liver transplant, but unfortunately, it is incredibly hard to find a match in such a short window."
"Why didn't someone ask me?" I question sharply. "I could have been tested."
Dr. Lavings offers me a tight smile. "Savanna declined that option."
My heart drops. It literally feels like someone is cracking open my chest with bare hands. "She declined having me tested?"
"I'm sorry, Bexley. I know this must be difficult to hear, but I truly believe she was trying to protect you."
"Protect me?" I gape at him. "She left me. There was the potential option that I could have been a match and saved her. But she purposely chose not to pursue it."
He sighs, regretfully. "This is not my place to say, and to be fair, we didn't discuss her reasons for declining. But I honestly believe she didn't want you to—using your words—'save' her. She didn't want to place that burden on you."
"No. Instead, she placed a whole other burden on me." I swallow hard. "She took away that choice from me. That was a decision that should have involved me."
Dr. Lavings nods, leaning forward to pat my hand. "I know, sweetheart. People make decisions at the end of their life that don't always make sense to us."
Shaking my head, I focus on a spot on the wall, silent tears sliding down my cheeks. I don't know how to feel. I'm so angry, but at the same time, I feel broken again. She knew she was dying and didn't say anything. The little white lies she fed me from her hospital bed changed the course of my life. It altered my decisions and shattered the vision of a future I had in mind. I was preparing for things that were never going to happen. She had me believe in hope, knowing that it was never coming.
I close my eyes, squashing the crushing feeling that's suffocating me. When I open them again, my voice is robotic and empty.
"I'll arrange another appointment for my annual. But thank you for the information. At least I have some answers now."