Chapter 38
Jude
I can’t believe I keep putting my heart out there and it keeps getting battered. I feel like it’s been bludgeoned into small pieces, floundering on the floor trying to survive. Gasping its last breath, while trying to keep pumping in the most extreme of circumstances.
What the fuck do I do now? My head tells me she didn’t mean it. That she is such a mess, so much pressure on her, that she’s not thinking straight. Yet my poor heart is begging me to stop. Stop the pain. Get out. Get out now.
I pick up my phone and call Evie.
“I’m going to Ireland. Are you coming?” I don’t greet her. My intent and focus is just to get away.
“Hello to you too, brother. Yes, we’re going tomorrow, aren’t we? Have you sorted the day with Emma. I’m still in London. Just about to go collect Kell and Xan in Devon.”
“I’m going tonight. Are you coming with me?” My voice is dead. There is no emotion left anywhere in my body. It’s all shutting down, unable to function without a heart—and that’s still on Emma’s kitchen floor.
“What’s happened, Brown? Is it Emma? Has the crappy internet stuff upset her. Do you all need to escape?” Her voice is calming, and concerned. I can hear the panic behind it, though.
“It’s just me. On my own. They’re not coming. She’s not coming. I need to go, Evie. If you’re not able to drop everything and come, I understand. I can go alone, and you come with Kell and Xan.” Again, I’m matter-of-fact. Monotone.
But I can hear the panic now in Evie’s voice. “I’m coming with you, brother. I’ll sort the plane. All the kids are with me. Xan and Kell can sort themselves. Come to mine now. And we’ll go.”
I nod my head even though she can’t see me. “See you in a bit then.”
I hang up. I know I’m walking away. Maybe I should storm over to Emma’s. Demand to speak to her face to face.
But what if he’s still there? It’s all too fucking much.
This pandering to her ex. I’m not going to put them in a tug of war with me on one side and Nigel on the other.
It’s not fair to them. I’m all for trying to keep the peace for the sake of the children.
I can see how much sacrificing she does.
How she bites her tongue to make sure the kids are not emotionally affected by their idiotic father. But he doesn’t give a shit.
Jackson has dug up some dirt on him. He’s up to his neck in debt.
Which is why he keeps pressuring her about his equity share from the property.
He certainly doesn’t want to have to tell his wife or his father-in-law, Sir Philip, that he can’t pay his bills.
Admit in his ‘club’ that he is not good for his gambling debts.
So he’d rather hassle his ex-wife. The mother of his children.
Make her sell and downsize, put them in a lesser house.
As long as he’s alright. His life unaffected.
He thinks she’s a soft touch. Someone he can bully. But the fact it has got to this crazy level shows him he’s wrong. So he’s upping the ante. Going big to retain control. Hoping Emma is only bringing a butter knife to a machine gun fight.
Well I don’t think she is anymore. But I don’t want to be caught in the cross fire.
Be a casualty of Emma finally getting rid of Nigel once and for all.
But I fear that I already have become one.
I’ve taken so many hits. I need to retreat from the battlefield.
Lick my wounds in the safety of my family’s love and take it from there.
I pack up my few belongings. A lot of clothes have gone over to Ireland already. The wedding is next week. I only need the clothes I travel in and my passport. Everything else Jonno has taken care of.
They are the only bright spots in my life. Same old same old. My family. Family above all.
“He’s here,” I hear her say as I climb out of the car in her garage. All the kids are loaded into her minivan. “See you in a few hours.” She’s clearly on to Jonno.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I don’t pick it up. If it’s Emma trying to explain away why she doesn’t want me, I don’t want to hear it tonight. Not again. I need a break to think.
We head over to Ireland, my sister staring at me, waiting to talk.
She keeps touching me. Telegraphing her love.
Her eyes are constantly on me, watching every move.
I hide, deflect, using all her kids as human shields.
I know the discussion is coming. But I need to get my own head straight before I can explain everything to my sister.
“Welcome back to Killclery House.” Jonno has Shay in his arms as usual, and as we alight from the cars, the kids are running riot. “Supper is ready. We’ll get this lot settled and then we can chat.” He stares at me, then side-eyes Evie. There’s no way in hell I am getting out of this.
And to be honest, I don’t want to. I need to sense-check everything and unburden myself fully. Things are not adding up. And I’m questioning everything. I need another perspective.
We sit in the library. It’s a room we all seem to love. The old books cocoon us, trying to pour their knowledge and wisdom into us through osmosis. It’s cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It’s cosy—a room to let your problems out.
Whiskey is poured for me. And they sit, waiting for me to start talking.
“I’m not sure what to think. I asked Emma to marry me, and she said no.” I set off like a machine gun. Evie gasps. Jonno’s eyes open slightly wider.
“Was it a full proposal? Ring, one knee, the whole lot?” she asks, and I think I see tears brimming in her eyes. She wants me to find love.
“Well, no, not that.”
I watch as her face changes to one of distrust.
“So you didn’t ask her?” She’s clarifying.
“No, I did ask her. I’d also asked her when we were in Devon. But she pulls away whenever I mention us being together officially. Permanently. It’s as if she’s afraid of going legit. Like I’m going to steal all her money, and her building or something.” I roll my eyes.
Jonno smirks. “Brother, you could buy her and her building a thousand times over. It’s not money.”
“Well, she said it was, so…” I let that land.
“That doesn’t make any sense. If anyone should be talking prenups, it’s you.” Evie ponders. “Does she know who you are?” Evie is totally confused.
“She knows.”
“What did she actually say?” Evie asks. She seemingly thinks I missed something.
“I suggested they all move to Greystone house. So we can protect them.”
“Good. That makes sense,” states Jonno, nodding his head in agreement.
I huff. “No, not good. Apparently, I am only wanting her there to manipulate her. If she moves out of that fucking house, Twatface will make her sell.”
“What, to pay off his poxy gambling debts?” Jonno snorts.
“Yep. And then she loses all her security. She even thinks she may lose the kids. He’s told her he’s filed for full custody.”
“He hasn’t. I checked. Nothing has been filed. The solicitor letter was a fake. A friend of his works there. Drafted it for a few hundred quid. He’s filed for nothing.” Jonno has been watching his every move. Deep down, I knew he probably was. Thank god he’s a bit mad.
“How did you know which solicitor it was?” Evie asks. He gives her a ‘get a grip’ look. “You’ve been watching her?” He nods, and instead of shouting, she sits and smiles. “I knew your crazy stalking would help us all sooner or later.”
“Well, that’s not all. She thinks he will leave her alone if I’m out of the picture. Lindy will disappear. All shitty roads lead to me.”
“He won’t,” Jonno states. “He’s been sending her legal action letters about her contract terms. Again, all from his little friend at the large solicitor’s office. A bit of headed paper goes a long way, especially from that firm.” Jonno is spilling all the information now.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I demand in frustration. What’s the point of stalking if you don’t share the information with the stalkees.
“Because it was bullshit. I spoke to her solicitors after Louise phoned them. They know it’s all bullshit. A total bluff. They told Louise and Emma that.”
“Well, we may be used to that sort of bluff, but Emma isn’t, and she believed it.
No wonder she’s so unhinged.” I sigh, understanding how she got to such hysterical proportions.
“But she also said I’m a manipulator and a bully.
That our family are super manipulators, and we still want her building.
” I pause, shaking my head. “Fair enough, it started out like that. But we, I, wanted to fucking help. And I don’t want the building.
It’s grown on me, seduced me into its charms, the same way Emma and her family have.
I’d never knock it down, now or in the future.
It’s part of Emma, and therefore part of me. ”
My voice breaks on the last bit. How can I go on without them? How did it get to this? I’m still reeling.
“Lindy stuck the knife in about the building, when she was being nasty about you dumping her. I could see Emma taking it all in. Putting two and two together.” Evie sighs. “What a mess.”
“Yeah well, she also said that if she moved she’d have no financial security. That she crawled her way out of the gutter and rebuilt her life once already. She doesn’t want to be reliant on anyone anymore.”
I look at my siblings, and they look worried now. Yeah, welcome to my world. It’s pretty shit here at the minute.
“I get that,” I continue. “I fucking admire her for it. But I don’t want to ride roughshod over her life.
I want to enhance it. Give her security.
I’ve paid for the schools till the kids are eighteen.
Even if we don’t go forward, that will remain the case.
" I lift my hands in a hopeless gesture.
“I asked her to marry me. I asked again when I phoned after she threw me out.” I grimace.
“He was there. Grabbing at her. And I saw red.” I look down. Ashamed of my anger at her.
Evie looks over at Jonno. The worry on their faces is unmistakable. “I think she misunderstood.” Evie is trying to make a rational item of this crazy situation. She gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. But I think she’s barking up the wrong tree this time. It’s too far gone.
“I made it really simple for her. Asked for a yes or no answer. Did she want me? And are we getting married? The answer to both was a load of hot air and no answer. Told me I couldn’t have her kids.
They were hers. Not mine. I think that is pretty clear.
No misunderstandings.” My voice is in the gutter now. Low and desperate.
“Fuck,” states Jonno. “I should have told you about the solicitors sooner. It had only just kicked off though, to be fair. She had a lot coming at her at once.”
“She probably couldn’t think straight,” Evie adds.
They’re both trying to be supportive. Make me feel better, more positive. As if it’s not the end of the world. I love them for it.
“I agree, it’s just… I shouldn't have been the person she unleashed on. I should have been the person she leaned on. I could probably fix all of her problems in a week. Her business? I can support it through all our building companies. Yours and mine, Evie.” I’m checking off Emma’s issues.
“We could keep her in recruits for years. Anything to do with unfair contract terms, fake or not, we have more sway with that solicitor than Prestige fucking Recruitment. In fact, whoever sent those fake letters would get fired for document forgery.” They’re both nodding.
“Even if she sold the St. Albans house, I would buy her other houses near her parents. In her own name.” I’m shrugging now. It pisses me off that she’s booted me out so quickly.
“And fucking Lindy.” I shake my head at that fiasco.
Evie cuts me off before I can even dive into that mess.
“Kell, Xan, and James have sorted that. Her PR firm is backing off big-time. And besides, half the press was really positive for Emma. People were impressed at your stamina, not hating her.” Evie smirks at that, tipping her head in a salute at me.
“Exactly. So if she had totally trusted me with all her issues, I could have solved them all. Except one. Nigel.”
“He’s not a worry,” Jonno asserts. “A few well-chosen words in the right ears and he’s toast. We just need to let him know it.
How much influence you have, and therefore Emma has.
Upset her, and we’ll stand and watch your life go up in smoke.
Sir Philip is the biggest snob, he won’t let his daughter be tarnished by a tool like Nigel. ”
I look at my brother's face, and he’s deadly serious. He has the weapons, he’s just waiting for me to give him the green light to unleash them.
“See, sorted. Yet it’s not. The harsh truth is, she doesn’t trust me,” I say, fully despondent.
“She does, brother. She loves you. That was so obvious from all our days out. She lights up when she talks about you. It shines out of her.” Evie has come and sat next to me, holding my hand. “Don’t give up on her. You love her.”
“Sometimes love is not enough.” I touch her face, and tears spill over her lashes. “Don’t cry, Kitten, please. I’ll be alright.” I pull her into me and she hangs on tight.
“I know, but I just thought she was the one for you. You love each other. It’s madness.”
“It is. But I’ve laid everything out there. Been as up front as I can. Told her I love and want her and the kids. Not sure there’s anything left to say on that.” I flop my head back onto the sofa. “Fucking hell. Fucking Nigel.” I sound defeated and deflated.
I make my excuses early and go to bed alone.