Chapter 39
Emma
No, it was carefully crafted with Louise and my mother chipping in. What could go wrong?
“Did the kids get off okay, to your mum’s?” Louise questions me the minute my face appears at the doors.
Ollie dropped me off at my building, and I sprinted past the empty offices with blinders on. That would kill my vibe. Ben and Holly are working in the conference room.
“Yes, and they’ve agreed to go to Nigel’s straight from there—after cricket at the weekend—so it will give me some time with Jude.” I cross my fingers and grin at her.
“Wow, I never thought Noah would go again. That’s a quick change of heart." She looks impressed at me.
But I shake my head. Nothing to do with me.
“I know, but he seemed okay this morning, so I didn’t want to question him on it, tip him back into hating me.
I think Noah probably wants to check in on Cal.
It was pretty intense, and they all love each other despite Nigel, well, being Nigel.
” I grin at her. “And don’t be killing my positivity this morning with any kind of lawsuit, leavers, resignations…
Nothing. Wait til later. If Jude says no, I’ll be a wreck.
Tell me then and it will just skid off me.
” My heart flutters a bit at that, my stomach tightening.
He wouldn’t. Not when I tell him everything. He’ll help, support me. I know it.
I float through the morning, looking over at Jude’s gleaming building.
It shimmers in the sun, pouring out hope and love.
I can almost taste it. By lunchtime, I’m a mass of hormones, emotions, and nerves.
My body can’t handle anything else. I stand, take a deep breath in, get my head up high, and start towards the door.
I know Jude’s schedule. If he’s going to be free, it would be right about now.
“You look great. You’re pushing out all the best vibes. I can feel them. Go for it. I love you.” Louise is waiting to hold the door open for me to leave, the affirmations rolling off her tongue.
I skip out of the building. No paparazzi. Jude did what he said and got them removed. My heart blooms again at his concern for me and the boys.
I walk past the garden Jude paid for, and it looks utterly breathtaking.
Summer blooms transform the space. Evidently Jude’s employees are benefitting from it.
A lot of office workers are sat on benches, trees shading some of them to get a respite from the sun.
A few have picnic blankets out. So many people on his staff.
I only have Ben and Holly. But I am not thinking about that now.
I jog up the steps and into the foyer. The security guards smile at me and wave me through.
One of them calls the lift for me, sending me up to Jude’s floor.
My heart rate is through the roof. But I need to be calm, remembering my script.
My mouth keeps going dry, and I’m not sure if I will get any words out.
The lift pings and the doors slide smoothly open.
The wooden floor is a golden brown runway.
I can see Brandon sat at his desk. His head is down, looking at his screen, but as my heels clack on the floor, he looks up.
His face changes to one of worry. Oh my God, what’s wrong?
Usually he’s all smiles, air kisses and cups of coffee.
I lift my hand in greeting, and he slowly, tentatively, raises his. “Hi.” My voice wobbles. I never had a script for Brandon. My brain is freezing already. “How are you?”
He smiles at me. That’s better. More like him. “I’m good, thanks. You look good. Love your hair.” He’s trying to distract me. I can tell. His eyes are darting all over the room.
“I’m good.” I smile with a confidence I don’t feel. “Is Jude around?” I look towards Jude’s office, but the blinds are shut, which is not unusual. If he has meetings, he shuts them.
Brandon doesn’t answer me right away. He looks confused. “Jude?”
What is wrong with him? “Yes. Jude, your boss.” I laugh at his concerned face, but inside I am starting to panic.
“Err, no. He’s not in.” He draws out the sentence as if he’s not sure what’s going on. As if he’s in the twilight zone or something.
“Oh. When will he be back?” I hear the hope in my voice. I couldn’t sound any more desperate.
He steps out from behind the desk, indicating I sit on the sofas just next to his reception. My eyes are starting to cross. What is wrong? Why do I need to be sitting? I can tell I’m being manoeuvred.
“Look, Emma.” I close my eyes—when anyone starts a sentence with ‘look’ it generally is not going to be good.
“Didn’t Jude tell you?” Again, not words you want to hear.
“He’s gone to Ireland. Went last night with Evie and the kids.
I thought you’d gone with them. To escape all the crap that’s floating around.
” He’s peering into my face, worry lines creasing his forehead.
“He’s going straight to LA from there. I thought you were all going. ”
I’m torn between putting a brave face on and saying I forgot, or collapsing on the floor in a blubbering heap.
In the end, I do neither. I sit as if he’s turned me to stone.
I can hear him calling my name. “Silly me. With all the hassles, I forgot.” My voice sounds robotic.
And his face looks even more worried. “I’ll see him shortly. ”
“Emma, he’s not coming back until the end of October. I’ve cleared his schedule.” Brandon is starting to panic. Him and me both. He’s gone.
“When did you speak to him?” My voice sounds strangled. I can hardly get any air through my lungs.
“This morning. Told me to clear everything. He was going to work in LA for a bit with his brother.”
And that’s it. I’ve been dumped. He asked me to marry him and I said no. Well, I didn’t, but I’ve also not had a chance to explain why I didn’t say yes. Evie told me he was stubborn. That once he makes a decision, that’s it, no returns. And I have been putting him off. He knew it, and so did I.
I nod my head as if in a trance, and get up. Brandon is still talking, but I’m not listening. I don’t know what to do. I need to get back to my building. I need— I need—
Nothing else is coming through.
I jerkily walk towards the lift. “I’ll walk you back,” I hear Brandon state, and feel him take hold of my elbow.
I think he might be holding me up, but I’m not sure. All I can hear is a weird rushing sound in my ears. My legs are on autopilot as we step into and out of the lift. The foyer seems huge, too wide for me to get my body across.
“Shit,” I hear Brandon hiss under his breath, and hang onto me even tighter.
“Brandon, how are you?” Lindy steps out of the coffee shop on the ground floor.
I want the foyer to suddenly develop fault lines and shove her into it.
“Did Jude get off okay?” What the fuck, she knows he’s not here and I don’t.
“Oh, hello. Emma, isn’t it. Going for lunch?
” She simpers a smile at me, emphasising the word lunch.
I want to punch the smug look off her face. Brandon makes a squeaking noise. I hope I didn’t say that out loud.
I grimace out a smile. “Hi, yes. Just going back.” I’m not sure how I’m answering and sounding normal. I go to sidestep around her, as she’s planted herself directly in front of me.
“Oh lovely. Well, I’ll see you in Ireland, and maybe LA,” she states, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. The smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She’s goading me.
“I’m sure,” is all I can push out. She’s going to Ireland? LA? Maybe Nigel is right and they are back together. My windpipe feels like someone is trying to crush it.
“Who are you here with?” I hear Brandon ask as I start to try to move, but my legs are not obeying.
“March Smyth.” She wafts her hand casually towards the coffee shop. We can hear the racket from there. The odd scream, and lots of giggling and laughing.
“Oh, great. Well, have fun.” Brandon has started to push me forwards. “Ignore her,” he hisses at me as we get past her and out of earshot. “She is going nowhere near Ireland. Well, certainly not near Jude. And LA? Ha. Only if she has her own business to do. Nothing to do with Jude.”
He keeps up his positive chatter all the way back to my building, pushing and pulling me across the precinct between the buildings. I can almost feel Lindy’s eyes following me. I glance back as I get to the doors of my building and, sure enough, she’s on the steps watching us.
I don’t collapse until I’m back in the safety of my own office. Louise ushers Ben and Holly out for lunch as Brandon pours gin and tonics.
“What did Jude say? Was it not good?” Louise is staring into my eyes for signs of life.
Good luck there. I feel catatonic. How can he have left? I needed to deliver my speech.
“Jude’s gone.” Brandon is gulping more gin than Louise.
“He left for Ireland last night with Evie and the kids. Not coming home until the end of October. He’s working in LA for a bit.
I thought Emma was going with him. He never said a word.
” Brandon looks really uncomfortable, someone else who is being dragged into this drama. I feel sorry for him.
“It’s fine. You can go if you need to. I’m fine now. Was just a shock, that's all.” I try to smile, and they just pour more gin into my glass. I can feel the tears on my face, but my whole body feels numb.
I slump forward and start to sob. I want to wail. I want to writhe on the floor and flail around like a fish out of water.
I hear Louise speak as she gathers me up into her arms. And I cry. I cry for all the things I should have said. All the things I should have done better. I should have loved him harder. Shown him how important he was to me. Not been derailed by an ex who seemingly hates me.
I’m eventually loaded into Ollie's car like a piece of meat, as he’s called back to collect me. I’m so glad my other two boys are not around to see me. I don’t think there is anything left in my body, only gin. No feeling, no emotion. I’ve cried it all out on my office floor.
“Let’s get her into bed.” I hear Louise state. She and Ollie lug me upstairs and Ollie leaves me to Louise. I lay comatose for hours. Just staring up at the ceiling. What should have been a night of love, laughter and passion, has degenerated into despair, dejection and pain.
How can I have been so stupid. So cavalier with something so important. With both of our hearts.