Chapter 19
LUKE
Luke stared at the wall of pictures for a while after Bella went upstairs.
His heart was very full, so full he was worried it would overflow.
It felt good to remember Jenna. He’d spent a long time trying not to think of her, to keep himself from getting hurt all over again.
Now, though, he remembered all the laughter they’d shared and all the plans they’d made.
Yet remembering Jenna didn’t make him sad.
Not anymore. He’d shared a beautiful but short marriage with Jenna.
Now, he had a second chance with Bella and their child, and he was going to enjoy every second of it that he could.
He would always care for Jenna. But it was Bella who was in his life now, Bella who he cared deeply for, Bella who was carrying their child.
It was Bella who he couldn’t imagine losing.
Bella.
She’d turned his life upside down. He could no longer imagine a sleepy Sunday without lounging on the couch beside her, watching a show, or teasing each other, or just reading together.
He could no longer imagine coming home from work and not seeing her in the kitchen, or on the phone with her staff, or doing prenatal yoga in the living room.
He could no longer imagine eating instant food for every meal, or going days without smiling, or sleeping in the on-call room every night so he wouldn’t have to face an empty house.
He could no longer imagine anything happening, good or bad, without wanting to tell Bella about it.
In just a few short months, she’d become such an important part of his life that he couldn’t imagine being without her.
That was a scary realization. For a moment, his thoughts drifted back to Jenna. He’d loved her and, in an instant, she’d been gone. Now, he… well, loved was a strong word, but he cared very deeply for Bella. Maybe he even loved her. And if he lost her or their baby, he was sure he’d never recover.
But that was silly. Bella was safe. After the few Braxton-Hicks contractions that had brought them together, she’d had a textbook pregnancy. Yet fear still gnawed at his heart in that deep, painful way that reminded him that nothing was guaranteed in life.
Suddenly, Luke wanted to see Bella. He wanted to see with his own eyes that she was safe and well and happy. He climbed the stairs and went to her room, where he knocked and waited for her to call him in, as he did every night.
“Come in!” she called after a moment. He nudged the door open and stood in the doorway, as he always did.
Bella had decorated her room since moving in, using the same recipe posters he’d admired in her old apartment.
She had a colorful bedspread, too, and the crib that they’d settled on (without a ruffle) was already set up and waiting on one side.
The window was open, letting in warm early May air and the faint scent of flowers.
Luke noticed all this in a moment, and turned his attention to Bella.
She was propped up on half a dozen pillows, leaning back, with a slightly dreamy look on her face.
When he came in, she straightened and reached for a book resting on the bedside table, holding it on her lap, though she didn’t open it.
“Do you need anything?” Luke asked, as he always did.
Bella shook her head. “I’m okay. Thanks, though.”
“More pillows?” Luke suggested. “Tea?”
Bella chuckled. “I don’t think this bed would hold more pillows. But you can come in, if you’d like. I wouldn’t mind a little company.”
Luke hesitated, but after a beat, he stepped inside and crossed the room to sit on the edge of her bed. She smelled faintly of baking, as usual.
“Thanks again. For the pictures.”
“No problem.” Bella smiled down at the book on her lap, then glanced up at him through her lashes. “I’m glad you liked it.”
Luke wasn’t sure what to say. He was suddenly very aware of the fact that this was the first time they’d been in bed together (or on the bed, in his case) since their son had been conceived. It was a silly thought, of course, but hard to shake.
Bella seemed a little unsure, too, because she looked away and tapped the cover of her book absently with one hand.
A strong part of Luke wanted to break the tension of the moment. He wanted to pull the conversation to something easy, like baby names, or teasing him about not being from Portland, or discussing what they would have for dinner the next day. Yet he held himself back from that.
Another part wanted to lean in and kiss her, just once, or at least take her hand, but he held himself back from that, too.
For a long time, Luke had avoided feeling anything deep or powerful. Maybe he didn’t want to run away from this feeling quite yet.
“I really…” He paused, gathering his words. “It’s been really nice having you here.”
“It’s been really nice being here,” Bella said. She met his gaze. “I’m glad not to be doing this alone. Pregnancy, I mean. And I’m even more glad to be doing it with you.”
“So am I,” Luke agreed. There was more he could have said…
That he cared for her as more than just a co-parent.
That he could imagine a whole future for them, not just with the baby, but as partners, too.
That he’d finally opened his heart to the possibility of love again, because of her.
But it all felt like too much, and he didn’t want to scare Bella way.
She was clearly just as reluctant to face deep emotions as he was.
So, instead, he leaned forward and very lightly brushed his lips against her forehead. Bella had stiffened, then relaxed into his touch. He sat back, and they looked at each other without speaking for a long moment.
Bella looked so lovely in the faint light of the bedside lamp. Her hair was down on her shoulders. She wore a pair of pajamas printed with chili peppers that she’d told him were the only sleepwear that fit now — but also her favorites. Her face was soft and open, and her green eyes sparkled.
Luke’s gaze dropped to her lips. They were so pink, and he remembered all too well how soft they were.
He could remember how it had felt to kiss her as though it had been moments ago, instead of months, and all he wanted was to kiss her again.
Really kiss her, deeply. Holding her in his arms all those months ago had felt so right, as though she’d always been missing.
But kissing her like that now would be a mistake. He knew that.
“I’d better—” he began at the same time as Bella said, “I think—”
They both laughed, the tension fading.
“I’d better go to bed,” Luke said.
“I was going to say, I think I’d better sleep,” Bella agreed. “I need my beauty sleep. And my baby sleep.”
Luke chuckled. “Fair enough. Good night, Bella. Good night, as-yet-unnamed baby.”
Bella chuckled, too, and rolled her eyes. “Good night, Luke.”
He left the room, closing the door carefully behind him, and slumped against the wall, his heart racing. He’d come so very close to kissing her — and he didn’t regret it. Not one bit.
Actually, he regretted a little bit that he hadn’t kissed her.
Maybe he should have. Or maybe not — it was too hard to know.
He’d admitted to himself that he cared for her.
That was a huge step for a man who’d kept his feelings locked away for years.
Yet with that admission came greater fear of losing her than he’d felt before. He wasn’t yet sure how to handle that.
Luke went to his own room. He put on the boxers and T-shirt he slept in and climbed into bed, pulling up the covers. He read a little, then put the book aside.
He didn’t sleep. He thought of Bella, just down the hall, her eyelids drifting closed and the gentle curl of her lashes.
He thought of how her chest had risen and fallen softly during that one night they’d spent together, when she’d rested her head on his shoulder and unfurled her hand on his chest. He thought of her laughing and teasing him for being named after a Star Wars character and for not knowing his way around the city he lived in.
He thought of her joking with him on the first night they’d met, about not trusting his gut feelings.
He thought of kissing her, her soft lips on his, her warm bakery scent enveloping him. He thought of the night they’d spent together.
Luke missed Bella. Even though he’d seen her moments ago, even though she was right down the hall, he missed her. He wished she were in bed beside him, putting her lavender-scented lotion on her hands and snuggling in next to him to sleep.
For the last few months, they’d danced around the question of whether they were roommates and co-parents or something more. Well, Luke knew now. He wanted more. It would be a risk to tell Bella that, because she might not feel the same way, but he knew what he wanted now.
He would talk to her. Soon. Maybe she wanted what he did, too, even if she wasn’t ready to admit it yet.
It was worth a try.
Luke fell asleep smiling, thinking of how life would be if he and Bella were a real couple and their child grew up in a real family, like the one he’d had.