Chapter 20
LUKE
Luke woke the morning of Bella’s next ultrasound excited and nervous.
It had been a few weeks since he’d kissed her on the forehead, and since then, everything had been easy and wonderful and smooth.
He’d wanted to talk to her a dozen times, but it had never felt quite right — he’d had to run to work, or they’d been with friends, or the moment had just slipped by.
Now, though, Luke had a plan. After Bella’s ultrasound, he would take her out for Thai at her favorite neighborhood restaurant and talk to her.
He’d explain that he wanted to be more than a co-parent.
And now, he was almost certain that was what she wanted, too.
Luke got up, dressed, showered, and went downstairs. Bella was already in the kitchen making tea, and she grinned at him when he came in.
“Don’t worry; I started the coffee machine for you.”
“Thanks.”
“And there’s your toast,” she added as the toaster popped.
Luke took out the two slices of bread and spread butter on one for himself and Bella’s favorite cherry jam on the other, which he handed to her as she passed him the tea.
It was the weekday breakfast routine they’d developed over the last months.
“Here’s your creamer,” Bella added, handing the jug to him so he could splash a little into his coffee.
“Thanks. And your honey.” He passed her the jar, and she scooped a little into her tea.
“This is almost like being in surgery,” Luke said as they sat down.
“What is?” Bella asked, taking a bite of her toast.
“Our morning routine.” Luke smiled at her. “Except instead of saying ‘scalpel,’ I’m saying ‘toast.’ We work together well, I think.”
Bella chuckled. “If things don’t work out for me as a caterer, maybe I’ll become a surgeon too.”
“Definitely.” Luke took a bite of his toast. “You’d be better at it than some surgeons I work with.”
Bella laughed. “Thanks. I think. Although that makes me a little scared to get surgery.”
“Don’t be.” Luke smiled. “I was only joking. I mean that you and I are able to work together really well, which not every pair of surgeons is. You know I need the creamer before I know it myself.”
“What can I say?” Bella grinned. “We’ve been doing this for a few months now. The real test will be if we’re as coordinated when it comes to diaper changes and tummy time.”
“I think we can do it.” Luke bit into his buttery toast. “Are you looking forward to the appointment today?”
“Kind of.” Bella shrugged. “I love seeing the ultrasound, but I always get a little nervous that something will go wrong. You know?”
“I understand that.” Luke sipped his coffee.
He didn’t admit that he probably understood it better than she thought — he was sometimes overtaken by the fear that something had happened to her or the baby, and would immediately reach for his phone to call her and make sure she was all right.
“But you’re only two weeks out from your due date.
I think they would have caught it by now if something were really wrong. ”
“Wow.” Bella sipped her tea. “Two weeks. That’s kind of unbelievable, right?”
“It is,” Luke agreed.
“Two weeks from now, we could be up all night bouncing a baby.” Bella’s eyes took on a faraway look, but then she shook her head. “I’d better not think about that. I need to focus on waddling into the appointment without toppling over.”
Luke shook his head. “You don’t waddle.”
“I do.” Bella sighed. “But it’s fine. It’ll all be worth it when we have a baby. I just miss the glamorous second trimester when I was full of energy and had a cute bump.”
“You look great.” Luke cleared his throat. “By the way, after the ultrasound, would you like to grab lunch?”
“Don’t you have a shift today?” Bella sipped her tea.
“I moved some things around. I thought we could spend the day together.”
“Sure.” Bella smiled at him. “That’d be nice. It might be our last day with just the two of us before the baby comes.”
“Probably not, though. First pregnancies often deliver after the due date.”
“Ugh.” Bella sighed. “Don’t tell me that. I’m ready to be holding a cute little baby in my arms instead of feeling so heavy and huge all the time.”
“I get that.” Luke finished his toast. “Come on. We’d better get ready.”
“True. It’ll take me half an hour to waddle upstairs and get dressed.” Bella rolled her eyes and held out her hands so Luke could pull her to her feet.
“Can I help?” he asked.
“No, I’ve got it. Just wait for me.”
Bella headed down the hall and towards the stairs while Luke cleaned up the breakfast things. Twenty minutes later, she was back, wearing a long skirt and a blouse with her hair braided. She looked beautiful and very, very pregnant.
“Ready?”
“Ready.”
They went out to the car, where Luke helped her in and closed the door for her.
As they drove to the hospital, Bella turned on the radio, changing the station from Luke’s preferred NPR to a pop station and singing along with the windows rolled down.
Her braid whipped around in the wind, and she played drums on her knees.
She looked so happy. Luke glanced at her, taking a mental snapshot of the moment.
At the hospital, he helped her out of the car and offered her his arm, which she took.
They went inside sedately and took the elevator up to the floor where OB was.
A few of Luke’s colleagues greeted them, and they smiled and said hellos back.
As they went, Luke realized that over the past few months, his colleagues had become more like friends, which was a worrying thought.
A year ago, none of them had called out to him by his first name or wished him well on the way by. His walls really were crumbling.
Their OB, Doctor Olivia Mendez, was ready for them almost right away. She ushered them back, going through the usual small talk as Bella climbed onto the table and pulled up her shirt for the ultrasound. She held out her hand to Luke and he took it, as he always did at their appointments.
“There you go,” Olivia said, pointing to the gray-scale image on the screen. “That’s your baby.”
“Wow.” Bella leaned in to look at the screen. “It kind of looks like a real baby now, instead of like an alien.”
Olivia chuckled. “True. Baby’s almost ready to come out, so that’s a good thing. Do you have a name picked out?”
Bella and Luke exchanged a glance. “Not yet.” They’d spent a lot of time brainstorming but little time actually picking something.
“Well, you’d better get on it.” Olivia smiled at them. “As Luke here knows, babies don’t often come on their due dates. You can expect to go into labor anytime from now to a month from now.”
“Another month of pregnancy?” Bella groaned. “I love this baby, but I swear, I’m as big as a house.”
Olivia gave her another sympathetic smile. “I know how you feel. But believe me, everything is looking great. Just pick out a name, finish up the nursery — or whatever you still need to do — then relax and try not to think about it. He’ll come out when he’s ready.”
“And it could be tomorrow?” Luke asked. His voice came out a little strained, and Bella flashed him a concerned look, her brow furrowed.
“It could be,” Olivia agreed. “Or it could be a month from now. Don’t worry about it. You guys will be ready, whenever it happens.”
Luke’s heart began to race, and he forced himself to take a deep breath. They could have a baby any day now. A tiny, fragile baby in need of protection and love.
In that moment, the truth hit Luke with the force of a freight train.
He loved Bella. He loved their baby. And no matter what he did — or didn’t do — he could lose them both in a fraction of a second.
As safe as labor was nowadays, things could still go wrong.
Bella could have a bleed. The baby could be born unable to breathe.
Now Luke was unable to breathe. The thought of losing them, either of them, was too much to bear. When he felt like this, he always reassured himself that Bella was okay, but what if she wasn’t always?
“Are you okay?” Bella asked softly, squeezing his hand.
“Yes.” Luke managed a stiff nod. “I’m fine.” He couldn’t even look at her. What if something went wrong? What if he lost her? What if they lost their baby? He would never recover.
For years, he’d kept his life neat and separate and independent to avoid feeling like this.
But now, all he could think of was seeing Jenna in the hospital after the accident, her face bruised, her heart no longer beating.
His own heart raced and his palms were clammy, enough that he released Bella’s hand so she wouldn’t notice. This was all too much. Way too much.
“Luke?” Bella asked again. The worry was clearly audible in her voice.
“I’m fine,” he repeated. He managed a smile. “I’m just thinking of all the things we need to do before the baby comes.”
Bella smiled back. “True. We do have a long to-do list. But don’t worry — we’ll do it together.”
“Everything looks good here,” Olivia said, switching off the ultrasound machine and handing Bella a tissue to wipe the gel off her stomach. “If you haven’t delivered yet, I’ll see you back here next week.”
“Or you’ll see me on the maternity ward,” Bella joked.
“That’s possible, too.” Olivia winked and stood.
“I’ll give you two some privacy.” She left, and Luke turned away from Bella.
His heart was still racing. What if he lost her?
What if they lost the baby? His thoughts were on a loop now.
There was nothing he could do to keep them safe.
For a long time, keeping a happy and safe home had felt like enough. It didn’t anymore.
“Luke,” Bella said, “come here. You seem stressed. Is it about the baby list? I can handle most of that while you’re at work.”
“No.” Luke turned back to her, sudden clarity dawning. “I just forgot that I have a shift today.”
“You do?” Bella’s brow furrowed. “I thought you said you moved things around so we can have lunch together. You wanted to talk. Remember?”
“I was wrong,” Luke said. “Sorry. I thought I’d worked things out, but I just remembered that no one could cover for me. I need to work. I have to go. Now.”
“Okay.” Bella bit her lip, her green eyes narrowing. “I just… if you’re stressed or something, you can talk to me. I can help.”
“I know, but the only thing that’ll help right now is working my shift.” Luke managed a smile. “I can drop you at home first.”
“No, it’s fine.” Bella pulled her shirt down and slowly stood. “I’ll take a cab.”
“No,” Luke protested, “I can drive you. It’s no trouble.”
“You have a shift, right?” Bella shrugged as she picked up her purse and headed for the door. “You don’t want to be late.”
The idea of sending Bella home alone in a cab wasn’t pleasant, but Luke needed some time and space right now, so he nodded.
“Okay.”
“See you for dinner?” Bella asked.
“I’ll try.”
She nodded and left, still looking uncertain.
Luke took several deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart, before he followed.
Down in the attendings’ lounge, he changed into scrubs and headed to the ER.
Doctor Jimenez, one of the better residents in his fourth year, was already there, and he frowned at Luke.
“What are you doing here, Doctor Porter?” he asked.
“Working.” Luke grabbed a pair of gloves and headed for the first bed.
“Yeah, I see that, but we switched shifts,” Jimenez said. “Remember? You asked me to work today and agreed to work Thursday for me.”
“Well, I’m here anyway. If you want to go home, you can. And I’ll still work on Thursday for you.” Luke turned to the patient in the bed and smiled. “What seems to be the matter today?”
“I’m twelve weeks pregnant and having some spotting,” the woman said, looking up at him with worried green eyes that looked all too much like Bella’s. “Can you help?”
Swallowing the wave of fear that rose up in his chest, Luke nodded. “Of course. Let me grab a few things.”
He’d hoped that work would give him a sense of control over a life that was quickly spinning out of his hands, but that didn’t seem to be the case.
After the pregnant woman with the spotting, he treated a young mother with long hair that reminded him of Bella’s and an older man who, at first, seemed as different from Bella as it was possible to be — until he told Luke that he was a chef at a restaurant downtown.
Every case Luke worked on reminded him of Bella. And the more he was reminded of her, the more his heart raced, and the more he struggled to breathe deeply. The only thing he wanted was for Bella and the baby to be safe.
As evening approached and it was time to leave for dinner, Luke picked up a final case.
A single father had come in with his infant daughter, who had a diaper rash.
It was completely minor, and Luke prescribed some cream and some time in front of a fan for the baby, but seeing that tiny, helpless infant pushed him over the edge.
It would be so, so hard to keep their son safe.
And Luke already loved Bella, and their baby, too much to lose either of them.
So, he didn’t go home for dinner. He sent Bella a text that he was swamped at work and couldn’t make it, then ate a dry granola bar and had a cup of coffee for dinner.
He worked late into the night, until his vision blurred from exhaustion and his thoughts were finally free of his fears, before collapsing into sleep in an on-call room.
He didn’t go home to Bella at all.
Luke knew he was being ridiculous. Staying away wouldn’t keep Bella and the baby any safer.
And it wouldn’t make him love them any less.
Yet every time he thought of Bella’s laugh or imagined their baby’s tiny face with her green eyes, his heart started to race.
Being near her right now would be too much.
He needed a little space to figure out what to do. That was all.
He completely forgot what he’d wanted to talk about with Bella that afternoon, about how he’d wanted a deeper relationship — to be more than just co-parents. In fact, deepening their relationship was the last thing on his mind right now. Her safety, and the baby’s, was the only thing that mattered.