Chapter Two #2
As soon as I was out of the dining hall, I ran.
Humiliation was nothing new to me, but it hurt because it involved him.
There had always been the possibility that the King would abuse me.
I suspected his kindness was only a way for him to get me into his bed.
But I had never considered that he was only being kind because it was the right thing to do.
His generosity had nothing to do with my appearance.
But as kind as he was, he wouldn't debase himself by taking a used, broken Lelurra to his bed.
He truly was an honorable man, and I had thrown his honor in his face.
Yes, humiliation was known to me, but this type of shame was new.
I had never been rejected. Strange, but the embarrassment helped me understand Bara better.
Feeling the burning in my chest, I could see how it could drive a man like him to such brutality.
If I had been a stronger man, I might have .
. . no, what was I thinking? I could never do to anyone what Bara had done to me, and there was no excuse for his actions.
Not even this humiliation could lessen what he'd done to me.
That I could think, even for a second, that he was someone I could relate to just shows how fucked up I was.
Again, because of him. I wanted to throw up.
Images of the Dragon King's smiling face and echoes of his gentle words chased me back to my guest room.
I slammed the door behind me and cast the bolt.
Panting, tears running down my cheeks, I stared at the room he had provided for me.
The luxuries. The bed. I had misread it all.
But how did I misunderstand his erections?
I had seen King Raventar's body respond to me many times.
And then it came to me. A man could not control his desires, but he could control his actions.
The King desired me, but he didn't want me.
He knew I was filthy now. That's why he was so careful not to touch me.
He didn't want to give in to his physical urges.
The Dragon King was above me in all ways.
He knew it and couldn't bring himself to indulge his lust with me.
Like a child, I flung myself into that thoughtful bed he'd given me and cried.
Even my tears were foolish. I wasn't ready for another lover, but there I was, mourning the loss of a relationship with the King.
Not even a relationship. I had offered him sex as a gift or payment.
I would have broken myself more for him.
But he refused even that. It was the humiliation.
That's why I cried. Not the Dragon King himself, but the mirror he held up to me.
Great Goddess Lurransa! I had just behaved like a whore. I could never face him again.
I never realized how much I relied on my looks.
I'd been coddled for most of my life because of my beauty.
My parents thought I'd become the consort of a chief or maybe even a famous entertainer.
Then Bara had shown me the other side of beauty.
The brutal side of desire. Madness brought on by obsession.
Sex used as a weapon. I had gone from taking pride in my appearance to abhorring it.
And now, faced with a third option—that my beauty was irrelevant—I found myself strangely adrift.
Who was I if not the lovely Eliel? And what kind of person builds their entire identity around the way they look?
It was preposterous. But that's what I had done.
I had so much pride and confidence in my appearance that I knew it would give me an easy life. I expected it.
Perhaps Bara had been sent by the Goddess to punish me for my vanity. Lurransa was said to be fair and wise, but also valued humility. Well, I was humbled now.
No longer would I have to worry about my beauty bringing me ruin. Nor would I have to fear being intimate with anyone. I should have felt relieved. It was done. I was already ruined. No one would touch me ever again. Especially not the Dragon King of Tabaa. I was safe from such abuse.
So why was I crying? Why did the future seem like an empty sea that I had been cast adrift upon? No ship in sight. No hope of even drowning. Just me, floating on my wings forever.
Sniffing, I sat up and wrapped my wings around myself.
My broken wing sent a twinge down my spine, but I craved the physical pain.
It cleared my head of nonsense. Showed me the truth.
Rooted me in reality. This was good. I could accept the King's generosity without worrying about him wanting something from me in return.
He had said as much. The palace could be a sanctuary for me until I recovered.
I needed to start thinking about where I would go after I got better. I couldn't go home, but I couldn't stay with the Dragon King forever either. The thought sent an unexpected panic through me. Not over the uncertainty of my future, but that it wouldn't have King Raventar in it.
“You're such a fool,” I whispered to myself. “Such a vain, silly man. What use are you to anyone? All you had to offer was your beauty, and now that it's tainted, you're nothing.”
I hid within the cocoon of my wings and cried.