Chapter 4
T
here was so much blood on my hands, and I could swear it was mine. The way I was in so much pain. My body vibrated, and my vision shook like the world during a quake.
I would have lied down and accepted my fate if not for the lifeless body before me. I watched as the darkness took my vision and waited for Death’s sweet embrace.
The face of a man I had only known for days, at best, was void of life. It had been the previous year, the life before this, that had mistakenly been careless with Goddrick’s body.
She had forced my hand. The one gripping the blade was bloodied and marred with the heart muscle on its hilt.
It was penance for what he had done to me, not that it was deserved.
When he lay with me that night, fucked me till we both were satisfied, he could not have seen this being the outcome.
How could I have been so stupid as to think that a god would not see this as a betrayal?
In his eyes, I was his property and had just given it away.
I could not be selfish with their lives, yet here I was, killing an innocent man because he fucked me and accidentally planted his seed.
The feeling of bile rising in my throat made me jerk away, tossing the blade so far from me that it disappeared into the darkened abyss.
His presence was so overpowering that I didn’t need to look up to see him, but he forced me to anyway.
The grip on my chin was firm as he brought my attention to his. With me on my knees and him standing above me, I was the dog, and he was the owner.
“What have we learned?” His thumb brushed down my lips.
I was looking at him with such hate, and I wanted to hurt him, for him to suffer a mere inch of what I had. That only seemed to fuel him, and his hand tightened at my jaw, making me wince.
“How about you tell me, Goddrick, what did I learn?”
The grin that laced his face formed a lump in my throat. I hated him more than I hated myself at that moment. “You will come to me, if given enough pain and suffering.”
Pain that was not physical destroyed me then.
When I had woken that morning to the painful sight, I had called to him, begged him to remove any means of it happening again.
“Just end this suffering, Little Mouse. Be mine.” He knelt before me then, his piercing, fiery gaze nearly impossible to hold. “Let me have you because you want me.” I could smell the wood and ash as he was inches from my lips.
“I’d rather die with this boy.” I felt his hand twitch and anticipated the slap that came, or was it a punch? I’m not too sure.
My body crumbled onto the lifeless body, and all I wanted to do was run away. I needed to get away from the smell and taste of death that filled my mouth.
As if he would allow me the joy of choice to run.
He was on top of me before I could gather myself. His entire body enveloped me, and I felt both disgusted and mortified that he was lying on top of me, while I lay on the boy I had just murdered in cold blood.
“Get off! Get off of me!” I was begging then. I didn’t want this, and I would rather have slit my own throat than be here. Why had I thrown the dagger so fucking far?
“I’m rewarding you, while also punishing you.” His hand wiped blood across my face, and I screamed. The blood-curdling kind that would bring the hero running to save the damsel in distress. “You asked for this, Dikos Mou, my love. You called to me.”
There was so much pain then; I knew it was my own. I wanted to look, but fear prevented me from doing so. “Keep screaming for me.” He placed the opposite hand, the one that wasn’t wrist deep into my stomach, behind my head and lifted it off the frozen body below me. “Scream.”
I clenched my jaw tight.
Goddrick fulfilled his promise, ruthlessly stripping away any possibility of another man impregnating me, just as this poor boy did.
I didn’t know pain like this existed, and while I did not want to scream, when his hands wrapped around the part of me that would have brought life into this world, I could no longer hold it in.
I had done this to myself. For my past life mistake, I was suffering immeasurable amounts of pain. He was physically pulling me apart without remorse for the feelings that accompanied it.
It was what I deserved for what I had done to the boy below me. I was a monster.
He ripped it from me then, and my body went into shock. As if it were a piece of trash, he tossed aside part of me and brought his bloodied hand to my cheek. The heat of my blood filled me with warmth like a blanket.
“You are such a bad girl.” I was shaking so badly that my teeth chattered. “I really shouldn’t do it, but seeing you like this, so weak and helpless, makes me feral.”
I wanted to die. I hated myself for what I had done. I hated him for making me this person.
I wanted to wake up from this nightmare that was my past.
“Wake up, please.”
After emptying the last remnants of her stomach’s contents out of the wall-to-wall window, Azahara clutched the frame, inadvertently cracking the wood beneath her grip, drawing crimson blood from the splinters piercing her skin.
Rage surged within her, and she cursed all the gods for allowing that creature to harm her for so long.
How could they have allowed Goddrick to do such things to a mortal that they swore to protect?
“Who needs them, anyway,” she muttered as she ripped apart a piece of the window’s ledge and hurled it so far that it disappeared from her vision before plummeting into the sea. She longed to scream, but knowing it would be ill-advised, she stifled the impulse.
Over the past few days, she had woken to the terrors of her past, and she knew they had not been quiet.
Grateful that the crew’s sleeping quarters were in the ship’s lowest part, she refused to let embarrassment linger.
There was a chance that Alyse, who was on the same level but across the ship from her, might have heard her, but Azahara was relieved that Alyse never came to check on her.
Azahara knew it was time to leave the room and eat.
The only items she had were the fruits that someone, likely Rowlin or Alyse, would place outside her door, and even then, she didn’t really eat them.
Only the strawberries would she consume.
She couldn’t continue down this path; starvation was not how she wanted to go.
I need to apologize to them for what I said. I can’t be that way… She lingered on her words before stepping out of the room. The hustle and bustle around her indicated that things were in full swing, which made the crew ignore her presence on deck.
Azahara carefully navigated her way towards the helm of The Neptune. To her relief, no one stopped her to engage in small talk. She just wanted to focus on apologizing, grabbing food, and avoiding the shutdown of her mental state, which would inevitably force her back into her room.
Ascending the stairs, she lifted her cotton-white dress, which was far too long.
Alyse’s conversation with someone caught her attention.
“We need to exercise caution with the sails as we approach these danger areas,” Alyse explained while pointing at a map spread across a few barrels.
“If we can pass this point, we’ll have a straight shot to Ilkiz. ”
Azahara soon realized that Alyse was talking to Xol, who wasn’t looking at the map, but up at her. Alyse followed Xol’s gaze and spotted Azahara, almost stumbling as she hastened in her direction. “Aza!” Alyse greeted her with the enthusiasm of long-lost friends who hadn’t seen each other in years.
“You are outside,” Alyse stated, her lips widening, “We were just talking about the route. Only a few more days until we reach the roughest part, so Xol will prepare the crew and coils of rope for everyone.”
Xol was beside Alyse, staring at Azahara with unblinking eyes.
“Xol, you are being strange. Say something,” Alyse nudged the ghostly creature beside her.
Azahara shook her head, “It’s okay. You don’t need to say anything.”
As if dismissed, Xol bowed her head and departed the space.
Azahara hadn’t realized she was holding her breath, and when she released it, she felt relief.
It wasn’t like she feared Xol; something about her just made her feel strange.
It felt as though she stood in the presence of a ghost from her past, unable to pinpoint the exact moment when their paths had crossed before.
Alyse rolled her eyes, “She’s a great First Officer. Please excuse her.”
“There is nothing to excuse,” Azahara said before taking a deep breath and continuing. “I want to apologize to both you and Rowlin. I shouldn’t have reacted the way that I did. You both have been nothing but welcoming and kind. I’m just—”
A warm hand was on her arm then, “It’s okay. You don’t need to explain yourself, not to me. Not to anyone.”
Azahara swallowed, her heart bouncing between her chest and stomach, “Thank you for your kindness. I don’t deserve it, but it is appreciated.”
Their eyes held one another briefly, and while Alyse smiled, Azahara’s lips stayed neutral.
She wanted to smile, but it would have been forced.
Being happy seemed like a betrayal of her true feelings, and she was tired enough as it was; the last thing she wanted was to act on top of everything else.
“I should apologize to Rowlin. Do you know where he is?”
“What timing, here he comes,” Alyse waved behind Azahara, and she took a centering breath, steadying herself. “I also hadn’t realized, but there was one more crew member I needed to introduce you to. He was downstairs, and I’m not sure how I forgot.”
Azahara just shook her head, “It’s fine.”
“No, seriously. Like, look at him. How would I forget he exists on my ship?“ Shrugging, she turned to look over her shoulder, seeing Rowlin first and beside him—
“Jayce…” Her eyes nearly popped from their sockets as she whipped her body completely around. “Fucking Latimer?”