Chapter 17
T
he mood on the ship had shifted with Azahara’s return, but it would never be the same as before she was taken.
Her affinity to bring others to her, both good and bad, astonished Jayce.
Everyone onboard felt the weight of her pain, even if they had only known her for a few weeks.
It was just a testament to how incredible of a person she was.
She was not pressured to come out of her room, even though he wished she would.
Since departing Itotaki, she hadn’t stepped more than five feet from her bed, let alone outside, onto the deck. No one ever made her feel guilty, but it still brought a sense of dread to the already silent ship.
Anytime someone would go in and come out, there was a hope that she would be with them. It would take time; they all knew that. He ensured no one pressured her and they hadn’t fought him on it.
Her healing, at least physically, began to slowly make progress. With his constant outpour of Magic and her self-healing, she was physically returning to the person she was before Goddrick took her. Mentally, that was a completely separate challenge.
Oddly enough, she would only speak when Jayce or Xol were in the room.
Not even Alyse could get a word out of her, and he partially wondered if it was because Alyse was always crying when she was in the room.
The rest of the crew minded little; they had made it clear they were just happy she was back home.
When Alyse had uttered those words to her, ‘back home,’ Azahara broke down and cried for nearly the rest of the evening. Alyse felt so bad that she about tossed herself overboard. Thankfully, Rowlin was quick to keep her from causing a scene.
There had been no judgment by Jayce for Alyse and even Rowlin when they would break down after coming from seeing her. They loved her unconditionally, and it was everything she deserved.
Hearing the gentle footsteps approaching him, he rolled his shoulders back and stood from the railing. “Hey, Jayce.”
“Carmen,” she had just come from seeing Azahara, sending Rowlin and Xol in next.
Giving him a nod, she leaned against the ship’s railing, her forehead pressing against her arms, “She was whispering,” his back went taut, “when she was sleeping.”
He had made it a point to always be in the room now when she slept.
The nightmares, Goddrick, they wouldn’t get to her.
He was moving around her, about to go into a full sprint, when she grabbed him, “Stop, let me talk to you first.” Her grip was tight, and although he could have easily slipped through it and gone to her, he gave her a moment.
“I can’t—” she sighed, “I don’t want her to hear, and this is the only time I can get you without you being with her. ”
“Go on,” he said, stepping back to stand beside her.
“She’s counting.” Carmen turned to look at him, her face pained. “I can’t say for certain what it means, but I fear I might have an idea. If that is the case, Jayce…” the pain in her voice was palpable.
Jayce pulled his brows together, allowing her the silence to gather her thoughts to form into words.
“It’s… She’s…” She took a deep breath, and he stepped closer.
“Carmen, just say it, it’s fine.”
She swallowed, and his stomach dropped as her heart began to speed nearly immediately, “She started counting at seven hundred and forty-three.” He could hear her heart in his throat as if he were devouring it.
“Given the time she was with him, even if it were every hour of the day—” she dropped her gaze, “she said she was five hundred years old? I suspect this was not the first time this happened.”
He was shaking, “I left just after she broke eight hundred—” his abrupt departure cut her off.
Jayce was gone, crossing the hull and opening the door to see Xol and Rowlin sitting next to Azahara, who appeared to be sleeping.
Xol stood, “What is it?”
“Speak with Carmen, only you, Xol.” She didn’t take orders from him. They did not have that kind of relationship. However, the seriousness of his expression, coupled with the understanding he would never demand anything of her unless it had to do with Azahara, made her move towards the door.
Jayce grabbed her arm before she could walk out, “Keep calm, but I need you to know. I hate to say it, but I need you angrier.”
“I don’t think that is possible.”
Jayce gazed down at her, “It is.”
With a twitch of her eye, she exited. His attention turned to Rowlin, who quickly stood with the piercing gaze that Jayce gave him. “Can I have the room?” Rowlin watched him speak.
Signing, Rowlin responded, “What happened?”
Jayce shook his head, “For her sake, I’d rather keep it between as few people as possible.”
Rowlin cared deeply for her, and it was apparent by how his hands trembled when he signed. “Is she okay?”
Jayce didn’t know how to answer that question, truthfully. Looking at her, seemingly sleeping peacefully, he hoped she was. Only time would tell if she would be, and while he would give her everything to heal, there was no pressure for her to be okay.
Rowlin moved around the bed, and stood in front of him, “I saw you,” there was confusion that hit his expression, “in Celadon. You sent a raven.” Jayce didn’t react but cursed himself for not being more careful.
That explained why Rowlin had been so strange towards him when they arrived in Itotaki and throughout the past several weeks.
“I want to believe that you are here to protect her. Please be honest with me. Are you really working for the King to bring her to him?”
“No,” he placed his hand into Rowlin’s and shared with him, in a series of images, who he was to Azahara. Seeing them for himself reminded him exactly why he was there and how strong he had to be so she would stay safe. “Please don’t tell them. Not yet.”
Rowlin pulled his hand away and looked up.
Jayce peered over to her, still asleep, and said aloud, “She is my everything. Always has been, and always will be.”
It didn’t take more than that for Rowlin to exit the room, and when the door closed, he crossed the room to her. He sat down at the side of the bed, his fingers brushing the head of red curls away from her face. Someone, likely Alyse, had taken a brush to it.
Touching her seemed to rouse her, watching as her eyes slowly opened to greet his.
The edge of her lip curled up ever so slightly, and she said, “Hi.”
How do you have it in you to smile? He thought, placing his hand at the side of her neck, and smiling back at her. “Hi, I didn’t mean to wake you. You can go back to sleep. I’ll be right here.”
“I know you will…”
Running his thumb across her jaw, he could see her coming back to life.
The color in her skin was returning, those unique red freckles finding their rightful place across her face, and sea-colored eyes that the sun was invited to set upon were back to their original beauty.
However, it could not mask the torment and pain she felt inside.
“How long was I gone?” She went to lean up, and he instinctively placed his hand behind her, assisting her to rest against the headboard.
“Twenty-six days,” he went to move his hand away, only for her to take it into both of hers, gripping it tightly.
Her strength had returned, which he was thankful for. She had been a champ, eating and drinking when it was brought to her. Carmen would comment every moment she could about her strength, which would fall on deaf ears. Azahara would shut down anytime someone would talk of her strength.
While Jayce could argue to the contrary because she was the strongest person he knew, he never brought it up.
Goddrick had stripped her of everything, making her feel weak, and she had begun to think that it was true after so long.
Not only with Carmen’s observations about her body but with him physically watching the damage heal itself, Goddrick was brutal towards her.
It made him sick and only fueled his need to destroy him further.
“Seemed longer,” she took a deep breath, sighing through her nose and looking down at their hands. “I had no sense of time. You could have said years, and I would have agreed without a second thought.”
“We never stopped looking for you,” she looked up at him but quickly returned to their hands.
“I… I thought…” her voice shook.
“I would have never stopped,” he could feel her heart rate picking up, and he only wanted to shield her from the onslaught of pain.
“I thought I was never going to escape. There was one point I didn’t want to. Not after he—” She squeezed her eyes tightly, and he could see the physical chill run down her body. He fought his arms to stay at his side. All he wanted to do was hold her, to protect her from the suffering.
She continued, “I had to do things I’ll never forgive myself for,” he closed his eyes, sensing the turmoil in her words, “but I’d do them again in a heartbeat, knowing the outcome.”
Her head was against his chest then, and he didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around her, closing the gap that had been there. She mirrored him, lacing her fingers behind his back as best she could. His chin rested on her head, taking her in.
“Can you do me a favor?” he kissed her forehead instinctively, not thinking about it. When she gave him a gentle nod, he continued, “Talk with Carmen or Xol. Only when you are ready, though. No sooner.” There was no rush where her healing was concerned.
“I can’t talk with you?” His heart picked up, and he knew she could feel it under her temple. “It’s a lot…but—”
“No, nothing is too much for me when it comes to you. I’ll listen. I just don’t want to be overbearing.” It had been the term she used to describe him, and while Karver would agree, he still didn’t see it.
The unthinkable happened then, and she let out a minuscule laugh.
“I’d rather talk to you,” she lifted her head, peering through her long lashes up at him, “but I don’t want it to be too much for you, and you leave because of it.
” His hand was gentle when it came to rest at the back of her head, his other arm pulling her up and closer to him.
“I’m afraid that the only reason I feel even the slightest bit okay is because of you. ”
Tell her, by the Mother, she’s strong enough. He fought with himself.
“I just want you to know that if it’s ever too much, it’s okay to tell me. It’s okay to walk away. I’m okay—”
“Azahara, you are not okay.” Her strong facade broke, and she looked up, her lip trembling, “And by the Mother, it is okay that you are not okay.” He paused, looking between her eyes, “Tell me when you are ready, call to me when you need me. I will always come. Always. I am not going anywhere. I will be strong for you, so you don’t have to be. I will be whatever you need me to be.”
All he ever wanted was to be something for her.
When he saw her again in the Idle Fox with Kaed, he found himself jealous.
Even the Vaeragi made him feel that way, but the more he observed and felt her happiness, the more he wanted to just be a part of it, however small.
Even if he were to have a sliver of what she gave to them, he would be okay with that.
Tears rolled down her cheeks, and he went to brush them, but she stopped him, “Don’t.
” He reassured her with a smile before putting his hand back behind her.
“You saw what he did to me.” Once again, he nodded, allowing her to say what she needed, “He did the unthinkable to me, even before he took me away from you.”
His vision was beginning to distort with red, and he knew that he needed to stay some semblance of calm, or else he would expose himself right then and there.
“Seven hundred and forty-three times.” He was thankful Carmen had told him before, and while it did not make it any easier, at least he had already come to feel the anger that the number brought to him. “How…”
His fingers were gripping tightly at her gown.
Her strength for even being able to speak of it this soon knew no bounds.
“How do I move on…” Her voice broke as she sobbed inwardly, “How do I not see him on top of me?” Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, wishing he had run after Goddrick and taken his head. “How do I not feel his hands on me?”
He ran his hand down her back, feeling her tremble, concluding that he would risk everything for his girl.
No answer would be the right one. The only one he had was that of time, and he knew that time had never been her friend. It hadn’t been to either of them, but no more so than her. Her eyes were soft, but the expression lacing her lips was made of pain and sorrow.
With a deep breath, he pulled her back and placed his forehead to hers, “If you could take it all away, would you? Forget it all? It can never be undone, but would you want to forget?”
He wasn’t sure he could pull that many memories from her; he didn’t know if he could even erase the most recent ones, but he would try.
He would try and do it if she wanted to forget, even if it took all of him.
Every ounce of Magic he had would be hers.
He would give her his wings to heal her inside and out if she only were to ask.
Everything of his was hers, whether she knew that or not.
She shook her head, and the response surprised him so much that he leaned away and gazed down at her. “… I’m tired of people taking my life away.”
He brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, “Tell me what you need, and it is yours.”
With that same fiery resilience he had seen so many times before, she said, “Help me become powerful enough to kill that son of a bitch.”