Chapter 18
D
espite her fear of stepping outside the sanctuary of her small room, Azahara knew she needed to get out of that space for the sake of her sanity.
It had been twelve days since she had seen the sky, and the thought of leaving terrified her, but deep down, she understood that it was necessary for her well-being.
She was safe onboard and Goddrick wouldn’t be able to get to her, not here, not when he was watching over her.
It wasn’t just she who wanted to see herself beyond the four walls.
Every one of them had been trying to edge her out slowly.
The one thing she was thankful for, was the people around her.
How had she been so lucky to meet Alyse and her crew?
Crazy to think that if she hadn’t met her greater grandfather, where would she have been today?
Then there was Jayce, who, even then, was sitting at the end of her bed, flipping through a map and looking at where they were, and where they were heading.
He hadn’t left her side since she was brought back, save for the few instances where he stepped out for everyone else to have a moment with her.
He hovered, but never more than she wanted.
Only once since escaping Goddrick had she dreamed, or thought of what had happened, and it was all because of him. He was keeping the memories at bay. He made everything better, and he expected absolutely nothing in return from her.
He and Kaed were so much alike in so many ways, but also different in others.
It made her miss him beyond words, but was thankful that he hadn’t been there.
The knowledge that he would have been walking with her when Goddrick came for her tore her heart in two.
Instead of Tessa, it would have been Kaed disappearing into Oblivion.
Her thoughts went to Tessa being ripped from this realm, and any beyond it. That thought made her hunch over and feel nauseous.
Not to her surprise, the map was on the floor, and Jayce was sitting beside her, “Hey, hey,” his hand was on her arm, and she looked at it before meeting his gaze. “I’m here; what’s wrong?”
Shaking her head softly, she leaned towards him, and he put his arms around her.
He never advanced on her, only making a move when she would approach him.
She never needed to ask; he just somehow knew.
Everyone else struggled to see her cues and would reach for her when she didn’t want it. Not him, never him.
“I was just thinking about Tessa.” Her voice sounded pathetic, and she hated it. “How she…” When she closed her eyes, she saw her face disappear into ash, “I should blame him, but I know if it weren’t for me, she would be here.” She took an unsteady breath, “Instead of being…”
She slid closer, allowing him to completely pull her into his lap, his arms encircling around her shoulders, “Maybe Death can find her soul and bring it back.” He comforted her, his forehead pressing against her head.
“From my understanding, once your soul has been obliterated, there is no coming back.”
“Didn’t you obliterate Thall? I thought his soul was waiting in Purgatory.”
She nodded, “I did, but I told Death to allow me to destroy his soul separately. Tessa had no guidance to Purgatory. Obliteration comes instantaneously and doesn’t give Death time to collect.
She…” Feeling her hands tremble, she clasped them together, and Jayce held her tighter.
“She was alone that moment in death, and without her carrier, her soul too, was obliterated.”
The urge to begin breaking down was ready to wash over her like a tidal wave, but an overwhelming light filled her heart. As though her own soul was being comforted and it was healing before it had the opportunity to hurt.
Pulling away slightly to find him looking down at her, she found a frown etched onto his face. “I’m so—”
His eyes widened, and she pressed her lips into a tight line. Jayce never wanted her to apologize for anything that was out of her control. That was probably his most overbearing feature these days.
She only wanted to keep apologizing because she feared that her mental health would become too hard for him, and even though he was adamant about not leaving her, the thought still lingered.
It was why going to sleep without him in the room was nearly impossible.
Anytime he would leave, she would feel fear and wake.
He somehow figured this out and stopped leaving when she would fall asleep.
With a resounding sigh, she leaned away, and he released her, “Can we go for a walk around the ship?”
Jayce didn’t look surprised, just gave her that warm, handsome smile she was so afraid she’d never see again, “I think that is a great idea.”
This was not a great idea, she immediately regretted the decision to leave her room the moment she stepped outside.
It had nothing to do with the sun that bore down on her, or the heavy winds that came with venturing further East, it was the rushing of the crew towards her that sent a wave of anxiety throughout her.
Thankfully Xol, along with Jayce, was there to save her.
They both stopped a rushing Zayne, Lucala, and Yelena.
As they rarely went into her room, not because they didn’t care, but more for their well-being, they were elated to see her outside.
Théodore and Darian came up behind them, both equally exuberant and happy to see her.
It was too much joy for her to take in. It didn’t feel right, and it formed a pit in her stomach.
“Give the girl some room,” Carmen said, with Alyse following right behind. They both had smiles but made sure to leave space for her to breathe. Rowlin came between them, looking between her and Jayce, before settling his gaze on her.
Rowlin had come to see her the most often, next to Alyse, Carmen, and obviously Jayce. He had been a bit weird, but she chalked it up to everything happening. Frankly, those that were acting normal to her felt worse.
As she waved at them, she moved to position herself behind Xol, her voice carrying a stern edge. “She just wants to take a peaceful walk. Can she have that?” Azahara was relieved her sharp tone wasn’t directed at her.
With that, they dispersed. Jayce gently guided her to the ship’s edge, ensuring she had the best view. Xol, true to her nature, followed behind them silently.
As far as the eye could see, there was nothing but the vast expanse of the sea. The scent of salt and the lingering sea life filled her senses. She had longed for this moment, yet it didn’t have the effect she had hoped for.
Feeling the grooves under her nails as she dragged her finger along the ledge, she let out a frustrated sigh.
“It’s okay to not be okay, remember that,” Jayce said, placing his hand on the small of her back. “It will take time; don’t rush your healing.”
She desperately wanted to rush it. If she could snap her fingers and be back to who she was before, she would.
She hated being this empty shell. Fear had become such a constant companion in her daily life.
Even just thinking about it made her want to curl up into a ball in the dark and let the pain in.
When she would wake, she immediately looked for Jayce, who was always there.
They had to cover the mirrors so she couldn’t see herself because she feared what she would see, even if she was physically completely healed.
Whenever she ate, she looked for approval or direction to do so.
When anyone tried to touch her, that wasn’t Jayce or Xol, she would recoil.
When someone talked too loudly, she covered her ears, immediately taken back to Goddrick, demanding her to scream for him.
But the most dreadful of all was the word “no.” The very idea of uttering it sent searing sensations across her skin, like blue embers of a flame.
“That no is going to keep getting you in trouble, Little Mouse. Say it again and I will carve it into your skin.”
Her days were meticulous, making sure nothing triggered a response. It hurt to be so careful. Yet, the outcome of that caution had her here, walking outside and at least attempting to have a peaceful stroll.
Jayce knew at that moment what she needed and moved his hand from her back and found hers.
Their fingers laced together, and he held on tight.
She didn’t realize his support would be so powerful, and the thought of him not showing up on this ship on whosoever’s orders haunted her.
The ‘what if’ of him not being here was another spiral she would find herself ready to fall into, but thankfully, he never let her.
“Already halfway around,” Jayce remarked. She hadn’t even noticed they had reached the helm, with the expansive view of the ship’s front before them. “Would you like to keep going or head back?”
“Let’s keep going,” she said. As they resumed their walk, Jayce fell into step beside her. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” he replied without hesitation.
“When you… found me on the beach,” she swallowed hard, not eager to revisit those memories but recognizing it was a part of healing, “what were you thinking?”
She had spoken a lot about her feelings, and Jayce graciously listened to her without ever bringing up how he was. While she asked, he would always direct his emotions and feelings to however she was doing. It was never about him and was instead, always about her.
A soft hum escaped his lips before he responded, “When I got to you, I knew I would never let you go again.”
Her heart raced. “And you have kept to that.” Her hand squeezed his.
“What about you—I couldn’t believe you had it in you to run, but you did, right to me.”