Chapter 17
Maya
My legs are jittery with anticipation. I can't wait to experience the sea.
"Maya, when will we finally get there?" I hear Sophia ask from the back seat of our rental car for what must be the hundredth time.
Josh has to focus on the road, so I turn to face her. Wearing the summer hat we bought for her during our trip to Grafton Street yesterday, she looks adorable.
"I think it's less than ten minutes now." As I turn back around, I can see a sparkle on the horizon. I roll down the car window and stick my head out.
I take a deep breath of the fresh air. It smells of seaweed and salt. Of green grass and life. Not only do I hear the wind of our journey but also the sound of the sea crashing wildly against the stone cliffs.
"There's the lighthouse!" I exclaim when I spot the blue-and-white-striped tower at the tip of the peninsula we're driving toward.
I can hardly wait until Josh finally pulls the car into the parking lot and switches off the engine. Although the drive is over, he still seems tense. The fact that even the green expanse of Ireland can't distract him is a bad sign.
"It doesn't hurt to be happy." I try to smile at him, hoping to cheer him up. He doesn't respond. Something weighs on his mind, I can tell. Perhaps something to do with the canceled concert.
Whatever the reason, he should forget about it and enjoy the time with Sophia and me. "We're going to have a wonderful day," I say, then I look deeply into his eyes, which today are as green as the world around us. The spark is missing. But I will draw it out of him yet. "Those who let go have their hands free." I thought of Josh immediately when I read that quote recently.
Unimpressed, he puts on his sunglasses and baseball cap.
I even try a wink, but that doesn't seem to get through to him either. "Maybe later, then."
I won’t let him spoil my mood today. I'm in Ireland, Sophia is in a good mood, and the sun is actually shining in the sky.
Anyone who doesn't enjoy that only has themselves to blame.
I get out of the car, then take the fully loaded picnic basket and the beach bag out of the trunk. "Come on, Sophia, let's go ahead to the sea."
I don't have to tell her twice. A second later, she stands grinning next to me.
"Whoever gets to the water first," she shouts excitedly and takes off running.
"Don't go in without me," I call after her as she runs down the path bordered by dune grass toward the sea. Seagulls hover above her, the vibrant sound of the waves audible. What a fantastic day.
Beaming with joy, I run after her, but I'm definitely too slow with both bags. By the time I finally reach the beach, I see Sophia already some distance away, dipping her toes into the frothing waves .
"Wow, it's cold!" She leaps back. That's better anyway, as the sea looks choppy. "We can't swim here."
"But we can do other fun things." I take off my shoes to feel the sand between my toes. Velvety cool, it clings to my skin as I walk barefoot toward Sophia. I hold my hat so the growing wind doesn't blow it off my head. When I finally reach her, I grab her hand. We start dancing, and Sophia's delighted squeal fills the beach. I, too, laugh heartily, carefree and free.
"Isn't it super here?" Sophia asks me breathlessly as we collapse into each other's arms afterward.
I let my gaze wander. Indeed, it is even more beautiful than I had imagined. For the first time in my life, I'm at the sea, and even though I've seen countless pictures of it, it's something else to actually be here. It's fantastic how the sunlight makes the crests of the waves sparkle. And how the breeze brushes through my hair, leaving a salty taste on my lips. The screeching of the birds, the happy mood of the other beachgoers, and the tall grasses swaying wave-like in the wind. All of this is uniquely beautiful.
Now all that's missing is for Josh to relax a little.
At least he's made it to the beach. He stands at the end of the wooden path, probably wondering whether he should take off his shoes before stepping onto the sand.
"Strip," I call to him. Only after the word has left my mouth do I realize that he could possibly misunderstand it.
At least I've managed to make him smile. Just to be safe, I point at his sneakers, and indeed, he starts to untie the laces. Then he trudges toward me. Maybe it's my imagination, but he does seem a bit more carefree .
I gesture to the bags that I had put in the sand earlier. "Shall we find a nice spot?" I ask.
"I'll take this." He carefully grabs the handle of the beach bag. His gaze rests on me longer than necessary.
At the same moment, Sophia arrives breathlessly. "There are many cool stones here." Her eyes are shining. "Can I collect them, Maya?"
Instead of answering her, I throw Josh an urging look. "Ask your dad."
The little one turns to her father and gives him a puppy dog look that probably no one could resist.
Josh's shoulders sag awkwardly forward, but my nod helps him step into his fatherly role. "Sure, go ahead."
"But stay away from the water and don't go too far away. We always want to see where you are," I add. Then I hand her a small bucket from the beach bag in which she can collect her treasures.
Silently, Josh and I watch as she hops along the beach. "She's such a wonderful child," I murmur absentmindedly.
There's no reaction from him, but I hadn't expected one.
"Where shall we make ourselves comfortable?" I look around. Over there, next to the rock would be a nice place. A little away from the other beachgoers yet still in sight of Sophia.
"Over there?" Josh asks, pointing at the same spot I had in mind.
"Whoever gets there first." I cheekily stick out my tongue and start running. As I run, I turn around. He's still standing where he was.
What a spoilsport. He can stuff it. I pick up the pace before turning my head again. In fact, he's not only moving, he's even jogging. And there's a twinkle in his face. It comes and goes like a flickering light bulb.
That's a start.
Warmth spreads within me, creeping up to my cheeks. My heart also beats fast, even when I've already reached the destination.
Heated, I sink down into the sand on the spot and watch Josh's last steps. His cheeks are also glowing. When he finally reaches me, he leans on his thighs.
"Sports is not your forte," I note with a smirk and pat the spot next to me.
His gaze follows my fingers with skepticism.
Heavens, how uptight can one be? "Don't worry, the sand doesn't bite."
I can see his mind working overtime. However, he ultimately sits down next to me. "You can be very persuasive, you know that?"
Was that a compliment? "If something really matters..." I nod toward Sophia, who scours the beach near the dunes for treasures.
Now he wraps his arms around his legs and pulls them closer. "I'm a bad father," he suddenly blurts out, as if these words had been festering in him for a long time.
"That doesn't have to stay that way," I firmly counter. "Every journey begins with the decision to take the first step."
Damn, why am I suddenly quoting my father? I shouldn't do that. His voice belongs to me alone. Once before, Josh managed to elicit it from me. In the music room. When I could see his desperation over Sophia. I vowed it would never happen again. And now it just did. Quickly, I look away and bite my lip. From the corner of my eye, I notice that Josh turns his head to me. And something inside me almost forces me to follow suit.
Ideally, one of us should focus our attention on Sophia. Yet we just stare at each other.
On this earth, there is probably no other person with eyes as green as Josh's. They captivate me. I would love to lose myself in them, but I know they are like a lake at night. Monsters slumber silently beneath the surface that must not awaken my own.
I should look away.
Right now.
Hastily, I lower my lids and bury my hands in the sand. My breath is shallow.
Josh clears his throat. "You're incredibly good for Sophia. I haven't seen her so relaxed in a long time."
Great, now my cheeks are heating up, too. "I'm not doing anything special."
Suddenly, I can feel his warmth right next to me. He's very close, his scent surrounding me. "Yes, you do," he says with a tone of reverence. "As my marriage went downhill, Sophia became quieter. Her oppressive silence was only interrupted by outbursts of rage."
I can well imagine that. Because that's exactly how I got to know the girl. And even though it has gotten better now, there are still moments when she falls back into her old patterns.
"Look at her today," he urges me.
I raise my gaze. Humming a song, Sophia walks along the beach. Abruptly, she stops and bends down to pick up a stone. She turns it over in her hand with excitement .
My eyes fill with tears. Because I see so clearly that she can see the wonders of this world again.
"That's entirely your merit."
Josh's voice suddenly seems far away. Because I'm trapped in the imagination of possibly being able to make my dream come true after all. I mold my mouth into a longing smile.
"Thank you for being there for her." Is that Josh's arm I suddenly feel on my shoulders? Is it his enthusiastic tone that makes my heart gallop?
Instantly, I'm alarmed. His proximity turns me into someone I don't want to be, so I move a little to the side. "I can't replace her father."
A deep sigh escapes his mouth. "I'm doing my best."
But that's not enough. At least it hasn't been so far. Because something is blocking him. And it has to do with his piano playing.
"Why did you cancel the concert?" Tamika reported food poisoning on the TV interview this morning. What a charade. "You certainly didn't eat anything wrong."
Immediately, his hand forms a fist. Seeing that is enough for me to realize that his entire body is probably tense.
I want to know. Because I can't shake the feeling that the cancellation and his behavior toward Sophia are related. Since he's not speaking, I venture a guess. "You can't play." Even though I try to sound gentle, his flinch is noticeable. I avoid looking at him. For pure self-protection. "Why not?"
He remains silent.
I let my gaze wander over the vastness of the sea in front of us. The surface is smooth now, but underneath lie currents capable of sweeping everything away. "Look, I don't really care. The only thing I care about is Sophia," I finally say even though deep inside I feel there might be more.
He is silent again.
"All I want is for her to be happy," I add. Then I bite my tongue to keep the next words, which form in my mouth almost by themselves, from having a chance to be said.
Something moves next to me. From the corner of my eye, I see him lift his arm, only to let it fall back onto the sand. "I ..." he starts hesitantly.
A jerky movement later, I feel his hand on my forearm.
It's trembling.
Startled, I lift my gaze and look directly in his sad face. I can't help but lay my fingers on his. Immediately, I feel the warmth of his skin and see the despair in his expression.
A wave of sympathy overwhelms me. I don't know how his problem arose, and I have no idea how long he's been struggling with it. But one thing is more than clear. His hand makes him someone he doesn't want to be.
Inevitably, I see the video of Josh's performance in my memory again. Again, I feel the passion that fills him. And that very special kind of love that few people ever get to experience.
I should say something. Something comforting maybe or something wise. But instead, I absentmindedly pull him into my arms and stroke his back.
Have I gone crazy? Why am I doing this ?
Startled by my own behavior, I push him away and remove my hands from him. I ignore his confused expression. Not even I understand what got into me just now.
A drawn-out cough comes from his mouth. "It's due to an injury to the cervical spine. My doctor is working on a solution. Everything will be alright soon." He doesn't seem to believe what he's saying. "Please keep it to yourself."
"Don't worry, I will." I wish my voice was steady, but it rather resembles the croak of a sick rooster.
"If my fans find out about this, my career is over." He shakes his head, disheartened. "And the music award will forever remain an unfulfilled dream."
I sit on my hands so they can't move without my permission again. "Have you ever thought there's more to life than your career?" I deliberately leave the word only out of my sentence. Who am I to criticize his way of life when at least he has achieved something, unlike me?
He doesn't know what to answer. I can see it in his eyes. His fingers are helplessly playing with each other, and I'm sure he's doing everything not to be overwhelmed by his despair.
I nod toward Sophia. "That little person over there, for example. Don't you think she could make you just as happy as playing the piano?"
Suddenly, he looks straight into my eyes. You can't help me , his eyes say. And maybe he's even right about that.
We don't know each other. We're only spending a single summer together. After that, our paths will diverge again .
"The world is full of wonders. We just have to be willing to see them."
Did I just say out loud what my father's voice whispers in my head? What's wrong with me? I shouldn't be doing this. And even less should I feel this warm sensation in my chest because I've made Josh smile with exactly those words.
"There's more to you than meets the eye," he says in a tone I can't categorize.
Much more, but not much good, I would like to respond, but this time I manage to hold back. Anyway, I've already said and done more than enough. A change of direction is urgently needed here before things happen that should never happen.
Even though it's hard for me, I pull up the corners of my mouth. "Enough with the moping. We're here to have fun." I push myself up and dust off the sand from my light blue summer dress. "Come along."
He looks at me incredulously. "Where to?"
"We're going swimming." I put as much seriousness into my voice as I can.
"It's too cold." He shakes his head.
Does he really think that I want to dive into the icy waves? It may be that I try to coax a little magic out of every moment. But I'm not that crazy.
Still, I don't show it. This game is just too much fun. "Oh, once you're in the water..." I clap my hands. "Come on, it'll be fun."
His eyebrows rise. He knows I'm bluffing. But he doesn't know how to react.
I look at him invitingly. "Whoever lets go..."
"...has their hands free."
Incredible, but now he's smiling. For the first time since I've known him, he seems content. I could lose myself in that smile. Dreamily, I push a strand of hair out of my face. "Whoever gets to the sea first gets to stay dry," I say absentmindedly.
A smirk spreads across his lips. "Then get ready to go for a swim."
A twitch runs through his body.
My God, he's serious. He's going along with the game!
Before I even understand what I'm doing, I start sprinting. I stumble barefoot through the sand, heading for the sea. But I don't get far before Josh catches up to me. He wraps his arms around my body and whirls me up.
"Got you," he breathlessly whispers into my ear.
I let out an uncontrolled shriek as he starts spinning around with me. Soon, Sophia is there too, happily joining in. And all of a sudden, my world is filled only with warmth, uninhibited laughter, and the sound of the sea.