Chapter 27
Maya
I brush the wet hair from my face and hold my nose. "Are you ready?"
Sophia looks like a funny fish with her oversized diving goggles. She nods eagerly. "Three. Two. One... Go."
We both dive underwater, and for the hundredth time today, I watch her collect the colorful plastic rings from the bottom of the pool, which I had scattered there earlier.
A little later, we resurface and gasp for air. "You got them all!" I praise Sophia.
Full of pride, she hands me the five rings. "Throw them again."
She can never get enough of it. But the joy on her face compensates for the fact that I never get a turn to dive for the rings. Just as I throw the red ring back into the water, Josh steps onto the terrace. He walks briskly toward us. Immediately, I feel the longing boil within me. Since we returned to Vienna a week ago, we've never been alone. Too many appointments dominate his life.
Thank goodness. Because the conversation in the waiting room of the Stockholm clinic was more than uncomfortable. If I hadn't stopped him, he would have spoken a truth that my heart doesn't want to hear .
"Throw the others too." Sophia is impatient and splashes water on my face.
At least, she brings me back to reality. One by one, I sink the blue, yellow, and green rings. "Are we ready to go?" I mumble absentmindedly, my gaze still fixed on Josh.
She counts down again. We dive together once more. But this time, I don't watch as she retrieves the rings one by one. Instead, I look up. It doesn't take long for Josh to appear at the edge of the pool. He looks strangely distorted through the water, but I can still see that he's wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
I don't want to resurface. Because once I'm near him, my emotional chaos only gets worse.
Sophia is already done and pushes off the pool floor to reach the surface. I can only hear her squeal faintly. She swims toward Josh.
I can't bear this much longer. I need oxygen.
Immediately.
Reluctantly, I resurface.
"Daddy is coming into the pool with us," Sophia explains before I even open my eyes.
"Great. Then I can take a short break." Actually, I would prefer to keep playing, but that would mean being in the water with Josh.
And once he stands in front of me, wet from head to toe, I can't guarantee anything. Clearly, I need to get away from here. "Have lots of fun."
With great effort, I manage to avoid eye contact with Josh. I leave the pool and wrap a towel around my hips. Still, I can feel Josh's eyes on my skin as I walk into the house. But whatever they mean, one thing is clear. It's better this way for all of us. Sophia has a great time with her father, and I don't have to torture myself by being so close to Josh without being able to touch him. Besides, I gain a few minutes to review the documents for the first of my four qualifying exams.
Elina was already at work this morning. So I even studied during breakfast, but the topic of cell biology just won't stick in my head. And that's despite having already learned all the material once. After all, I wanted to take the biology exam in June before the kindergarten dismissal changed everything.
It's better not to think about it or else doubts will creep in again.
I quickly slip into a dress and retreat to the living room with the textbook. There, I sink into the deep cushions of the brown leather couch and pull my legs toward me. The joyful screams from the garden reach me as I open the book.
Good. Where did I leave off? Oh right, I remember that the cell membrane is on the outside. But what was it for again?
Dammit, just a few hours ago, the information was already in my head. How stupid can a person be, constantly forgetting the same things?
I flip to the next page. The paper tears.
Great.
My exam is already tomorrow. I have less than twenty-four hours left to know everything that's in this book. But even though I've looked at the cell illustrations a thousand times, I still can't remember the names of the individual components. With closed eyes, I try to list them.
There's the nucleus. And the membrane. And those little things that sound similar to rectum.
I press my lips together and force my brain to work. But it doesn't. There's just gaping emptiness in my mind. I don't know anything. It's as if I've never heard anything about the structure of our body's cells in my life.
No matter what happens. Believe in yourself. Because I always will . Of course, my father chooses this moment to speak up.
"Then help me," I retort sharply, letting the book fall onto my thighs.
In the end, it doesn't matter whether he believes in me or not. I'm too dumb. I couldn't remember anything even in school. There's no reason that should suddenly change.
Discouraged, I gaze through the glass door outside, where Josh and Sophia play together as if they've never done anything else.
Maybe the man is an idiot, and someone I need to avoid. But he's right about one thing. I have actually succeeded with his daughter. I have a special connection with children, and I can't imagine a better occupation than working with them.
Why I need to know so much about biology for that is beyond me. It has nothing to do with pedagogy.
"Pull yourself together, Maya," I admonish myself forcefully. Because those are the rules. I wanted to take control of my future and promised myself that I would follow through this time. I've saved as much as possible from my first paycheck so that I can focus solely on studying and starting a new internship in autumn. I could have bought shoes or clothes just as easily, but I didn't. And I won't waste a single cent of my next paycheck. My dream is too important .
Within you lies the heart of a fighter , whispers the deep voice inside me.
I can't stop believing that I can do this. I have to be a little bit like Josh. Relentless. Determined. Strong. With that vision in mind, I take a deep breath and turn back to my study materials. I review the components of a cell in small increments. I read a short paragraph and repeat aloud what I just learned.
"The nucleus has pores for the exchange of substances between the cytoplasm and the nucleus," I repeat for the third time as Sophia and Josh enter the living room.
I immediately close the book. I feel as if they've caught me doing something. And in a way, they have. Because I haven't told anyone that I plan to take this exam. Not even Elina knows about it.
"What are you doing?" Sophia snuggles up to me in her floral bathrobe. Water drips from her wet hair onto my dress. Her index finger touches the book cover. "That's a strange book."
We shouldn't even talk about that. If I don't pass the exam, at least no one will know. "Did you have a good time in the water?"
Sophia furrows her eyebrows. "Why are you reading that?"
The distraction maneuver worked well, didn't it?
Now Josh approaches as well. "Maya is studying biology," he says, addressing his daughter. Then his gaze shifts to me, and this time, I'm not fast enough. As soon as he locks eyes with me, I can't look away. There's a fire burning in his eyes that captivates me. "Are you pursuing your high school diploma?" I hear hope mixed with pride in his voice .
I wish I could lower my eyes, but I can't. I can only nod awkwardly. My fingernails dig into the pages of the book.
"Why is Maya doing this high school thing?" Sophia sounds genuinely interested.
Josh beams at me. "Because she wants to make her dream come true."
He remembers that? I can't hide my astonishment.
"What dream?" Sophia sounds like she's in a faraway place.
Josh sits down right next to me. "She wants to help children who are going through a difficult time," he says, directed more at me than his daughter. And she will do it absolutely fantastically , his eyes add without words.
He shouldn't do that. He can't believe in me so unconditionally. And he has to stop making me feel like I'm something special.
"That will be awesome!" Sophia exclaims happily. Then she jumps up from the couch. "I want to eat cake. Do you want some too?"
None of us reacts. Because we're too busy looking at each other.
"I'll ask Jasmin if we have any," she says, her bare feet making quieter and quieter footsteps on the hardwood floor.
A split second later, Josh and I are alone.
A storm rages inside me. Because I know that if I give in to my longing now, he might reject me.
And if I don't, I will wither away. Like a plant in the desert.
"That's great, Maya," his tone is soft. "When is the exam? "
"Tomorrow." I awkwardly lift the corners of my mouth. Why did I have to choose such an early date in my euphoria? "I don't know yet if..."
His hand finds mine. "Yes, you will. You can do it."
I shouldn't believe him, but I need his conviction too desperately. "Yes," I whisper tonelessly, and suddenly, it feels as if I'm standing naked in front of him.
He could do anything to me, and I wouldn't stop him.
Can he see the longing in my eyes? Does he see how defenseless he makes me?
"There's caaaaake!"
Sophia's deafening scream makes me flinch. Josh also looks around in confusion. When he realizes that his daughter is standing in the doorway, impatiently signaling for us to follow her, he springs up like a robot.
For a moment, I don't know whether to be grateful to Sophia for the interruption.
Perhaps I should be. My mind is more than aware of that.
But my heart says something else. I feel the desire to surrender myself into Josh's arms growing more and more intense. And I don't know how much longer I can hold myself back from just doing it.