Chapter 29
Maya
I'm floating. Still.
I spent the entire night with Josh and don't regret a second. The sweet memory of what happened dominates my thoughts. I can still feel the passion with which we kissed and how we slowly undressed each other. Even though I'm no longer with him, I can still smell the scent of his naked skin and feel his warmth so close to me.
In my memory, his hands trail over my stomach and venture farther down. He pauses, looking at me questioningly. I get lost in the green of his eyes, then I close my lids. With a longing sigh, I press myself closer to him and surrender to the magic of this moment.
Nothing is important anymore. Only the two of us and what the night does to us still count.
A contented sigh escapes my lips. Even though it's been over an hour since we said goodbye with countless kisses, the fire inside me still burns. It carries me through the entrance door of the apartment, and even the fact that I have a biology exam today can no longer derail me.
I feel strong. Stronger than ever before.
Humming the melody of Josh's piece to myself, I kick off my sandals. My gaze falls upon the mirror, and I see what I already feel. The glow on my cheeks is still there. And my eyes shine as if the sun radiates from within me. Blissfully, I turn away and walk toward the kitchen.
"Elina? Are you there?" I can't wait to tell my friend what happened last night. She will be thrilled, I know it. The pale blue digital clock on the new microwave tells me it's just past eight o'clock. Maybe she's still asleep?
Arriving at her room, I force myself not to burst in immediately. My legs fidget. I gently knock on the cardboard-like door. "Are you awake?" I whisper.
There is no response from inside. I can't even hear her breathing.
Like so many times in the past few weeks, she must have gone straight to Flo's place after her shift. What a shame.
Feeling a bit disappointed, I turn to leave. But as soon as I take the first step, a pitiful sob reaches my ears.
I immediately turn back and open her door. I find Elina huddled up, sitting on the floor at the foot of her bed. Her face is streaked with black lines, and her eyes are red.
"Elina!" I can barely hide my shock. I quickly run to her and pull her into my arms. "What's wrong?"
Another sob escapes her mouth, followed by a soft whimper. I sway her back and forth, wanting to help but not knowing how. Like a summer storm, a terrible suspicion brews inside me.
"Flo," she manages to say between sobs.
Everything inside me tenses up.
"He is… "
What did he do? Did he run away? Is he married? Emigrated? Elina has experienced all of that before. Yet she keeps getting involved with the wrong people.
This is how it always ends. Every single time. She doesn't deserve this.
Dark shadows loom within me. What if it's the same with Josh and me? What if he cheats on me, lies to me, and eventually leaves me behind?
Elina nestles closer to me, but despite her warmth, I feel terribly cold. "He is..."
I don't want to hear it. "Tell me," I say anyway. Because it's not about me here. It's about my friend, and I want to be there for her.
"...a junkie." I feel her shake her head against my shoulder. "My God, I studied medicine. In a few months, I'll complete my practical year and start my residency. How could I not realize it?"
Dammit. "Nobody looks good through rose-colored glasses." Of course, it's not much of a consolation, but what else can I say?
Her response is only a whimper. I feel her tears soaking through my T-shirt.
I stroke her back. "It's not your fault."
She pulls away from me. "Yes, it is." Harshly, she wipes her cheeks dry. "I should have listened to you. Right from the beginning."
What am I supposed to say to that? That I just changed my mind? That only a few hours ago, I actually began to believe in love?
Shit.
Elina's facial muscles tighten. "That's it. From now on, there are no more men for both of us," she says, clenching her fists .
I swallow hard, unsure of what to think or feel anymore. Before me sits living proof of what I've learned the hard way throughout my life. That relying on a man can only lead to loss. How could I have forgotten that?
"Fortunately, we have each other," Elina adds, to make matters even more complicated. "I can always count on you."
I bite my lip as tears well up in my eyes. "That's true." My gaze wanders over the tissue graveyard surrounding us.
Chaos reigns within me. I can't gather a single coherent thought; I feel frozen. Every ounce of reason argues against a relationship with Josh. But no matter how many arguments my mind presents, I can feel so clearly that my heart wants none of it.
***
Tired from the short night and the internal struggle my heart and mind have been engaged in since this morning, I arrive at the university hours later.
The grand sandstone building stands before me, with its venerable pillars. The entrance gate is wide enough for a truck to pass through, and the tall trees sway in the wind. I brush my hair out of my face and look up.
A storm is approaching.
The clouds are thickening, pressing together, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear the first thunder soon.
I should go inside. Not just because of the weather. In exactly twenty minutes, my exam begins. I have no idea how to focus on biology as of now. What has happened in the past twelve hours has been too much. Nobody could write an exam now.
I only have three attempts in total, and I'm only allowed to take two of them in written form. The final chance is an oral examination by a committee. Something I will undoubtedly fail at.
I still have the option to back out. To turn around, run away, and do something else with my life.
Something that comes easier to me. Something that requires less effort. Something where failure wouldn't hurt so much.
The pressure on my chest intensifies. I hastily reach into my handbag and search for the music box. My fingers brush over the uneven surface of the lid, where the colorful stones are set.
Whenever you're sad. And whenever I'm not with you. Whenever you stray from your path. And whenever you're lost. Open this music box. Listen to the music. And remember that you are the greatest miracle of all.
As I hold the box tightly in my hand, I want to take it out of my bag. I want to open it and find solace in its melody. Not just because of the exam anxiety but also to end the internal battle within me. But I simply can't. The memories are too painful. The panic of never being able to escape what is hidden inside the box gnaws at me.
A thunder rumble makes me flinch. The first raindrops find their way onto my hair, and a gust of wind tugs at my skirt. It's time to go, but my legs won't move.
Only those who are brave reach their goals , my father whispers as if I haven't already realized that I'm standing at a crossroads .
Today is the day when I alone decide whether I come closer to my dream or I am cowardly. And just because of that, I lose because I never even try.
"You can do it." Josh's words from yesterday are unfathomable as they escape my lips. Yet they are exactly what I need to finally start moving.
With determination, I pass through the university's atrium and climb the impressively wide staircase to the first floor. As I walk, I wipe my clammy hands on my skirt, but they immediately become moist again. Upon reaching the top, I make a sharp right turn and come to an immediate halt.
I can't believe what I see.
Josh and Sophia stand hand in hand, waiting for me among a group of people whispering excitedly in front of the examination room.
"There she is!" The little curly head jumps up and down with enthusiasm. A boundlessly endearing smile spreads across Josh's face.
He shouldn't be here. It only makes everything more complicated.
While I approach the two, images of Elina's tear-streaked cheeks flutter through my mind. Torn inside, I finally stand in front of them, completely clueless about what I should do. Josh reaches out his hand, his touch grazing my upper arm, soft and warm. A tingling sensation starts at that spot and spreads throughout my entire body. I don't even want to do anything to stop it.
"We came to cheer you on." Once again, it's Sophia who, with her lively nature, saves the situation for me, at least.
"Even if it's not necessary," Josh says with a smile, briefly caressing my bare skin. "We know you'll easily pass the exam." His eyes are filled with love.
How can he believe in me so unconditionally?
I press my lips together. "That's incredibly kind of you," I manage to croak. But that's not even close to what I want to say. Stay away from me , my mind dictates. Hold on to me , my heart whispers. And in the midst of it all, I stand helplessly, shifting from one foot to the other. Silent. Because I don't know what's right and what's wrong. I don't know anything anymore.
Beside me, a door opens, and the atmosphere becomes frantic.
"Looks like it's starting," I say, taking a deep breath and straightening my shoulders.
Now or never.
"Good luck, Maya." Sophia nestles against my hips.
I stroke her head. "From now on, let's keep our fingers crossed, okay?"
"Yeah." As if to prove it, she shows me her little fingers crossed over. "I won't let go until you come out again."
I thank her with a hug. Then I straighten up. The hallway is empty now; the other exam candidates are already in the lecture hall. It's time for me to get started as well. But as I turn to leave, Josh holds me back.
"This is for you," he says, pressing a black box into my hand. "To calm your nerves." He winks at me conspiratorially, and instantly, it feels like the moment is illuminated by a beacon of light.
I take the box. "Thank you," I mutter quickly and make my way forward.
"You can do this." I hear Josh's words from a distance, yet I feel how much they uplift me. I even manage to smile a little as I'm assigned a seat in the third row.
Once I arrive, I eagerly open the box and find an MP3 player and headphones inside. There's also a note from Josh. It simply says The Melody of Our Dream s. Nothing more.
The exam papers are handed out. I take advantage of the time until a copy is placed on the desk in front of me to put on the headphones. It takes me four attempts, my hands trembling uncontrollably.
I recognize the melody instantly. It transports me back to the moment when I surrendered myself to Josh's music yesterday. To that place where I felt how strong I can be. And that sometimes, you have to take a leap to fly.
Once again, I feel like I'm at that moment. And that's all I need for something to become clear to me.
"I can do this," I say to myself with a broad smile.
The woman with the exam papers stands next to me and signals for me to remove the headphones. Reluctantly, I comply with her instruction, turn off the player, and put it in my bag. Then she hands me the exam materials. I write my name and the assigned participant number on the cover sheet and turn to the first exam question.