Chapter 30
Josh
Maya and Sophia frolic outside in the bright light of the August sun. They've tied colorful ribbons to wooden sticks and are playing artistic gymnastics. From my piano stool, I observe Maya's enchanting aura. I am captivated by her smile and addicted to the radiance emanating from within her.
How I long to be with her. But I cannot allow myself that luxury. Not only because we've decided to keep our feelings for each other a secret for Sophia's sake. Since the day of Maya's exam, when I returned to the piano, I've had to isolate myself more and more. Because my hand is causing me problems again. Only my neurologist knows about it. But he couldn't help me.
Both your spine and nerve pathways are fine. I can't tell you where the trembling comes from . Those were his words when I sat in his spacious office last week, a miserable wreck, hoping for a miracle. There's nothing physically wrong with you .
No matter what arguments I presented, I left his office not knowing what to do next. Intensifying my physiotherapy and practicing even more is all I can do. So in the past few days, I've done little else. At first, Maya looked at me with uncertainty. With each passing day, her disappointment grew .
I should tell her what's happening to me. But it's impossible. She loves my music. How could I reveal to her that I can no longer be the great pianist I must be? And how could I let her see that I'm giving up when I encouraged her to stand up for her dreams with everything she has?
With a heavy heart, I turn my gaze away from the two most important people in my life. The piano must take priority, whether I want it or not. Just as I'm about to start playing again, someone bursts through the door.
"You won't believe it!" Tamika stands before me in an elegant sheath dress. Her cheeks glow, as do her eyes. In one hand, she holds a magnum bottle of champagne, and in the other, two glasses.
It's obvious that she's about to share something magnificent with me. I take the bottle from her and walk over to the seating area. "What happened?"
"First, let's toast." She quickly fills the glasses and hands me one. Then she looks deeply into my eyes.
I size her up. "So?"
"The survey results are in," she says with a broad grin. Cheerfully, she clinks her glass against mine.
Immediately, I feel a knot in my stomach. She wants to celebrate, and that can only mean one thing.
Oh my God, my dream is coming true!
"So what are they?" I ask breathlessly.
Her mischievous grin returns. "You've caught up! The concert announcements and the interview with ORF have contributed a lot. If you keep going like this, you can catch up with the competition."
It takes me a moment to understand what she just said. "You mean...? "
"Mm-hmm." As she continues nodding enthusiastically, she looks like a schoolgirl who has successfully pulled off a prank. "Of course, you can't let up. Nothing is won yet. There's still a lot of hard work ahead of you."
"Wow." That's all I can say. Even though it's not the success I had hoped for, at least it's the first step in the right direction.
Once again, I raise my champagne flute and toast. "To you," I say. Tamika is doing a fantastic job, and I don't know if I could have made it this far without her. Then I bring the glass to my lips.
As soon as the first sparkling sip touches my tongue, cracks appear in my joy. The constant tightness in my chest worsens, and my smile freezes.
In just two days, I'll be performing in the Tyrolean mountains. I've kept the fans waiting for far too long, yet they still support me. But if I don't deliver, I'll lose them.
For good.
And with it, the International Music Award.
"What's wrong?"
Tamika's piercing tone makes me flinch.
"Is there a problem?" She looks at me inquisitively. Of course, she knows I didn't follow the specialist's instructions in Stockholm and is afraid of the possible consequences.
"No, I'm just surprised." I do my best to smile at her. It doesn't work. The pressure that overwhelms me is too strong. The fear of being exposed at the next concert is too great.
Then my dream would be over. Everything would be over. I would have to admit that I'm not good enough to play the piano, never have been. Out of sheer desperation, I gulp down my glass in one go and immediately pour myself another one.
Tamika claps her hands. "Well, let's get started. There's a lot to do." As soon as she speaks the words, she's already on her way out. "Why don't you compose something beautiful for the award ceremony? It can be a bit cheesy; that always goes over well."
Euphorically, she leaves the music room. My panic and I are left alone. Only the champagne bottle keeps us company. Without hesitation, I bring it to my lips and drink in large gulps. I continue until a hazy fog settles over my fears. It dulls the worries and quiets my spinning thoughts. Gazing longingly at Sophia and Maya outside, I drink until the bottle is empty.
Everything is spinning. My head is heavy. My muscles relax. I surrender to the detached feeling and feel a special kind of lightness on my shoulders.
Driven by this inner freedom, I stagger to the piano and plop on the stool. "You will do as I say," I sternly admonish my right hand. "Got it?" I glare at it even though it innocently rests on my thigh.
My arms feel heavy as I lift them to position my fingers on the keyboard. The lines on the sheet music blur before my eyes, so I just start playing. After all, I know my pieces by heart.
One note follows another in just the right sequence. A heavy fatigue causes my eyelids to droop as I continue playing. I feel myself gradually freed from the pressure with each new note. My fingers glide over the keys as if they were made for it. And the music that reaches my ears is just as it should be.
Perfect .
Not a single mistake slips in. No uncertainty can be heard. When the piece is over, I lift my eyes to check the condition of my fingers, and everything seems to sway a little.
Everything except my hand.
It remains so still as if nothing had ever happened. I gaze at my fingers in astonishment, as if they don't belong to me. As if I'm witnessing a damn miracle. And at that moment, I realize I've finally found a solution to my problem.
It's far from good. But it's all I have.