Chapter 31
Maya
The Tyrolean mountains are breathtaking. I can't get enough of the snow-covered peaks, the radiant blue sky, and the lush green of the forests and meadows. And then there's that scent. Of pine needles and moss.
Not for the first time since we arrived here yesterday, I take a deep breath of the clear, untainted air. My gaze sweeps over the gently sloping meadow in front of the stage, where hardly a spot is left unoccupied. Thousands of people must have marched up the mountain to hear Josh play. I can see in their faces that the music was worth every step for them.
And it truly was. Josh plays fantastic.
More than once, my eyes were moist, I applauded and cheered, and danced with Sophia. Whenever the melody became calmer, I focused on the mountain panorama. I watched large birds fly into the sunset and observed the changes in the cloud formations.
Now, the last notes of the music resound, and for a moment, there is silence. The audience applauds, and some even rise from their seats.
"Thank you very much," Josh says, moved, into the microphone. I look up at him and see so much joy on his face. There's a radiant glow in his eyes.
In the past few days, he barely noticed me. Moreover, he avoided any contact with me. When we had dinner together, he was terribly tense. It was as if he was wearing a corset, and I didn't know what to think. Because I'm still torn. My mind and my heart are fighting each other. Nobody can win, and somehow, everyone loses.
But that's not important right now. What matters is how he plays. Being able to perform again must feel like a catharsis for him. Of course, the audience demands an encore. Sophia and I shout loudly for another piece. We only stop when Josh sits back at the piano and once again makes the strings resonate.
"Dance with me!" Sophia reaches for my hand.
I don't need to be asked twice. Playfully, we move to the rhythm of the music. Our pleated skirts sway back and forth. "Now a spin," I call out, twirling so fast around my own axis that I almost get dizzy. But that doesn't stop me from continuing. This moment is too beautiful, where it's so easy for me to shut out all my worries.
When Josh says goodbye to his audience a little later, they come rushing back. Sophia happily hops toward the stage, and I follow her with a heavy heart.
Because I still don't know how to deal with this man. I can hardly resist his allure, but his rejection over the past few days provides my mind with the evidence it has been seeking.
Suddenly, Sophia sprints off. She must have spotted Josh. "That was simply amazing, Daddy!" she shouts.
Not a second later, I catch sight of him. Beads of sweat glisten like tiny diamonds on his forehead, his eyes shine. He puts a piece of chewing gum in his mouth, then squats down to catch Sophia. As soon as she is in his arms, he lifts her and spins her around .
"You liked it?" he asks, beaming with joy.
Sophia's excited squeal is answer enough. Seeing the two of them like this puts a smile on my face.
"The last one was the best. And the one before the break was great too. Maya and I danced." Sophia's words flow out of her mouth like a waterfall. "I even invented a dance move. Do you want to see it?"
I observe how Josh gently places his daughter back on the ground and applauds her after she presents her new moves.
Josh is a great father. And a great man.
I approach the two of them, and I immediately have his attention. The radiance in his eyes is overwhelming. "How was I?" he asks even though he should already see the answer in my face.
"Simply perfect." Even if I wanted to, I couldn't keep my distance. Not when he looks at me the way he hasn't in far too long.
He takes a step toward me without touching me. But in his gaze, I can see that he would like to. "We are both making our dreams come true."
I nod although I immediately feel a tightness in my throat. I can't assess how my exam went last week. It's entirely possible that I didn't answer any of the questions correctly. I probably failed.
As if he senses my unease, Josh shakes his head. "We are both making our dreams come true," he repeats emphatically. "Because we never stop believing in ourselves."
It's as if his conviction is enough for both of us. I also want to hope. Because the idea that I have taken the first step toward my studies by passing the biology exam is simply too beautiful .
"That's right," I confirm, more for myself than for him.
Positive thoughts are the beginning of all good things , my father happily adds in my mind. While he speaks, I see so much pride in Josh's expression.
I hope I can live up to it. Because if not...
"Maya, shall we dance again?" Sophia seems to never get enough. But a glance at my watch tells me that it's long past her bedtime.
"We'll dance all day tomorrow. But for today, we have to call it a night." I nod my head toward the alpine house where we're staying.
Sophia pouts, pushing out her lower lip, then turns to Josh. "Will you read me a bedtime story?" she asks in a sugary-sweet tone that no one could resist.
Not even Josh. I can tell by his grin. "Of course. Go ahead, I'll be there in thirty minutes."
Warmth spreads through my heart involuntarily. He's been doing everything he can to spend time with Sophia. My intuition tells me that he would never let her down.
Maybe I've been suspicious without reason. Maybe I can rely on him.
Always. Not just on the good days.
"Oooookay." Without any further protests, Sophia turns around, takes my hand, and pulls me toward the alpine house. Josh watches in amusement as I stumble over the uneven ground behind her. And all because I can't take my eyes off him.
***
Three-quarters of an hour later, Josh still hasn't shown up. Sophia is already lying in her wooden bed adorned with woodburning art, blinking at me wearily.
"Where's Daddy?" she asks, her lips pressed together.
With pursed lips, I pull the red-and-white-checkered blanket up to her button nose. "He must have been delayed," I try to sound casual. She shouldn't see the anger brewing inside me.
"But he promised." Her little hands clench into fists.
Of course, he did. And now he's breaking his promise. Because something else is more important to him.
I force my mouth into a smile with all my might. "I'm sure he would rather be here with you right now." Even as the words leave my mouth, I'm unsure if that's the right thing to say.
Is it okay to pretend that her father didn't consciously choose against her? Because that seems to be the case.
I struggle to suppress the memories welling up inside me. They have no place here. This is about Sophia, not me.
The little one looks at me skeptically. "But why isn't he here, then?" she whines.
Sophia is tired. And disappointed. It can hardly be a worse combination. I urgently need to distract her. And myself as well.
"Here's what we'll do. I'll read you the bedtime story tonight, and I'll change my voice to sound like Daddy's. You close your eyes, and while I read, it will almost be as if he's here." Internally, I shake my head at myself. What a foolish idea. No one can replace Josh for her. If anyone knows that, it's me .
Her lower lip disappears beneath her front teeth. "Okay," she finally says meekly and closes her eyes. "But tomorrow, he has to read to me again."
"He will. I'm sure of it." I shouldn't make that promise, but at this moment, I can't help it. My compassion for her is overwhelming. I tuck the blanket snugly around her small body to make her feel comfortable and secure. Then I read to her, just as I promised. Because that's all I can do for her right now.
I wait until she's fast asleep, her breathing deep and steady, and dim the lights. Even now, it's hard for me to leave her alone. I gently brush a strand of hair away from her face.
Come to me, Maya . My father's voice sounds tired.
No, please no.
I don't want to.
So far, I've been able to keep the memory in check, but now, in the silence of the room, it rises more forcefully than ever before.
Come on, I want to talk to you , he says again with his loving warmth, effortlessly conjuring up images from a long-gone time within me.
I dive in, no longer here in the dollhouse-like alpine hut with low wooden paneled ceilings, but in my parents' living room. My father sits on his worn-out armchair just a few yards away from me. The backrest no longer reclines, and the footrest doesn't work. Still, it's his favorite spot. And somehow, it's mine too.
Yet today, I hesitate to approach him. My bare feet sink into the carpet. I fiddle with the hem of my nightgown. It's too small for me. The sheep on the fabric used to be dark blue, but now they have faded.
"Where were you this afternoon?" I tilt my head to the side. "You promised to help me blow out the candles."
A soft glow lies behind his heavy eyelids. "I know, Princess, I know."
"You forgot," I stomp my foot on the ground and clench my fists. "You forgot about me."
He presses his lips together with effort. "I'm so sorry, you have to believe me."
I see that he's telling the truth. There are wrinkles on his forehead and a hint of self-loathing in his voice, which stirs my compassion. Although he broke his promise, I take a hesitant step toward him. "What held you up?"
With a wistful smile, he waves me over. "Come here, I'll tell you."
Of course, I run to him. How could I not, when he looks at me like that? I climb onto his lap and snuggle against his chest.
He wraps his arms around me, gently rocking me back and forth, and tells me about his boss at the engine factory who forced him to work overtime again.
We need the money. Because we're poor.
That's why he's rarely home. And when he is, he's tired. Sometimes his eyes just close on their own after he's taken the last bite of dinner.
"Next year, everything will be different," he says in conclusion, holding me tightly.
I look up at him, unsure. "Promise?"
He grimaces as if something is hurting him. Then he nods. A single tear finds its way down his cheek.
I wipe it away. He must not be sad. "Do you want to see what I painted for you today?" I ask because I know he'll like my drawing. It shows the two of us in a flower meadow. The sun is shining. He lifts me high in the air, and we both laugh.
He nods. "You hold all the love in the world within you, never forget that." He gently squeezes me. "Thank you for not being mad at me, Princess." I can barely understand his words, his voice faltering.
Of course, I'm not mad. He does so much for us. And he's just tired. Terribly tired.
His eyes close before I can show him my drawing. I climb down from his lap, take the thick blanket from the sofa, and wrap it around him. Then I kiss his rough cheek.
"Sleep well, Dad," I whisper as quietly as I can so as not to wake him up.
"Sleep well, Dad," I say once again in the here and now. With a sense of nostalgia, I take a deep breath, rise from the edge of Sophia's bed, and tiptoe out of the room. The wooden floor creaks, but luckily, it doesn't wake the little one. Once I've closed the door behind me, I begin my search for Josh.
Josh. The traitor.
I hurry down the rustic staircase and search through the quaintly furnished dining area of the adjacent inn. He's not there. Nor is he on the weathered wooden terrace. Only Jasmin is outside, shrugging helplessly when I ask about Josh. My path leads me back to the stage, and with each step, anger boils within me. I can't wait to confront him and unleash my thoughts about his behavior.
It will not only help Sophia but also myself. Whenever his presence softens me, I just need to remember what he did today. Instantly, any trace of weakness will vanish. I will be strong. In front of him. And a little bit for myself.
There, up ahead, is the stage entrance. The sound of cheerful chatter reaches my ears. It seems like a lot of people are celebrating extensively. Ready to crash the party, I rush up the stairs.
Once I reach the landing, I collide with Tamika.
"Can I help you?" She raises her perfectly groomed eyebrows.
I square my shoulders. "Where is Josh?" I know I sound confrontational, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't deserve anything less.
Immediately, Tamika crosses her arms in front of her chest. Her expression tells me that she definitely won't let me pass. "What do you need?"
"I need to talk to him," I fixate on her intensely. "Right now."
She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but he explicitly asked me not to allow any interruptions. He's very busy."
Yes, he's busy. Much too busy with things that make him forget all about the trust he shattered with his daughter today.
"I just need five minutes," I insist.
"He doesn't have them." Her stern gaze meets mine. To top it off, she even reaches for my upper arm to lead me away.
"Oh really? He doesn't have a single minute?" My voice almost breaks. Frustrated, I pull myself free from her grasp. "So he can't even go to the bathroom right now?"
An exasperated snort escapes her. "Don't be so childish, Maya. "
I'm not being childish. Angry, I clench my fists. "So what now? Can I see him?"
She looks at me as if I'm crazy. "He doesn't want to be disturbed. What's so hard to understand about that?"
What's the meaning of this? First, he lets his daughter down, and now he's hiding from the consequences? What a coward he is. "Then I'll wait here until he has time."
Suddenly, Tamika towers over me. "Listen up," she says grimly. "You're just the nanny here. Nothing more. Don't think you can make any demands."
I stare at her in disbelief. I don't know what to say in response.
"Do you think I don't know what you're up to?" she continues, pointing an accusing finger at me. "It's so pathetic."
What? I have no idea how to react.
"Josh's heart belongs to music. And only to music. It's time for you to understand that." Her condescending and pitying gaze meets mine. "Now go already. You don't belong here."
Everything spins in my mind. I can't believe what she just said. Suddenly, my anger turns into disappointment. My shoulders slump, as do the corners of my mouth. I feel small and weak.
"Get out of here," she demands once again, this time with a cutting edge in her voice. "This is way too big for you."
That's true, and I already knew it in Stockholm. I know nothing about the music business, have no understanding of careers and success. He and I live in different worlds, and it will always be that way. But that's not the worst part. This man has lied to his daughter, potentially destroying everything they have built together. He betrays the trust of others. It's probably only a matter of time until he disappoints me as well.
With a disillusioned wink, I blink away the tears welling up in the corners of my eyes. Then I turn around and walk away.