Chapter 32
Josh
My head throbs from last night's afterparty. Nevertheless, I dragged myself out of bed early. I promised Sophia a hike today and intend to keep that promise. We've been marching up the mountain together for half an hour now.
"It's beautiful here, isn't it?" I take in the scent of the forest, listen to the birds chirping, and smile at Maya.
For a moment, her body tenses. "Yes," she simply says without looking at me.
Something is off.
Yesterday, everything was fine, but even when we had breakfast together this morning, she was silent. She stopped any attempt to be alone with her. I watch her nibble on her lower lip.
"Look, Dad!" Sophia runs to the edge of the path and squats down. "There are berries!"
Once again, my daughter manages to prevent Maya's sense of impending doom from spreading further. "Let me see," I say and join her. "These are blueberries."
Sophia wrinkles her nose. "They look weird, though."
I chuckle. "That's because you only know the ones you can buy at the supermarket. These are wild blueberries. "
Sophia’s not sure if she wants to believe me, so she looks around for Maya, but she hasn't even stopped. As if she hasn't noticed that she's alone, she continues walking along the path lined with deep green firs.
This can't go on like this. Whatever her problem is, it needs to end now. She’s spoiling our trip. "I'll be right back," I tell Sophia. "Try some of the berries. You'll be surprised how delicious they are."
I watch my daughter carefully pluck one of the dark blue little fruits from the bush. For now, she'll be occupied, so I go after Maya.
"Wait a minute," I call out to her from a distance, but she acts as if she can't hear me. I pick up the pace even though my doctor said I should still take it easy. Once I reach her, I grab her wrist. "Can you tell me what's going on with you?"
She spins around, her angry gaze meeting mine. "Nothing."
Of course. Everything is perfectly fine. I tilt my head. "Come on."
"The fact that you can't figure it out yourself..." Her face tenses as she crosses her arms.
"You're mad because I've been withdrawn over the past few days." It has to be that; there's no other possibility. She probably thought she wasn't important to me. She's probably angry that I didn't have time for her.
Because she doesn't know what I've been through.
"Pfff," she scoffs instead of answering.
I step directly in front of her, our upper bodies touching. She trembles. "I'm sorry." Yes, it's a feeble apology, but what else am I supposed to say? The truth? That's impossible .
"You're such an idiot." Faster than I can comprehend, she turns away from me.
I manage to grab her wrist just in time. "That ends now. I promise."
"You can spare me your promises. You never keep them." She spits out the words like spoiled food. There's nothing but hatred on her face.
What does she mean?
With raised eyebrows, she stares at me. "You promised Sophia yesterday that you would read her a bedtime story," she blurts out.
Damn.
"But then you decided to party instead." Her lower lip quivers, and she blinks forcefully.
"That's not true." Well, the facts are correct, but they only tell half the truth. "When I went backstage after the concert, the entire stage crew awaited me. They were thrilled that our tour was finally gaining momentum and wanted to celebrate with me."
"Sure," she says.
She needs to stop looking at me with such accusation. "What was I supposed to do, hmm? I owe so much to these people." They all support me even though I disappointed them with the canceled concerts. If they didn't do that, I could pack up."
A dangerously deep crease forms between her eyebrows. "And you think you don't owe anything to your daughter?"
No. That's not what I meant.
"Just admit it, Josh. You forgot." Her cold tone makes me shudder.
"I didn't. I wanted to come." And that's true. Somehow. I lower my gaze. "I'm sorry," I mutter even though I know there's no excuse for it. Because what she's saying is true. I had been drinking even before the concert, just so I could perform. Afterward, when I toasted with the crew, my alcohol level must have risen so high that I couldn't think straight anymore.
Something like that must never happen again. And it won't.
"Sophia means a lot to me." I reach for Maya's hands and hold them tightly. "And you, you mean a lot to me too."
She squirms, but I don't let go. "You're lying."
I catch her gaze and shake my head. "Believe me or not. I'll prove it to you anyway."
The despair in her expression physically hurts me. And for a moment, she looks like she's not even here in her mind. As if she's experiencing something right now that's ripping the ground from beneath her feet.
Quickly, I wrap my arms around her.
"You reek of alcohol," she mutters, disgusted.
That's not the point here at all, so I don't even address it. "Give me another chance," I plead earnestly, gently stroking her back until her muscles yield.
"You should apologize to Sophia," she says, sniffing, minutes later.
I smile at her gratefully. "I will."
Her expression slowly relaxes. "And it won't happen again."
Certainly not. I'll make sure of it. "No more disappointments," I confirm. My intuition tells me not to use the word "promise." Something about that term seems to trigger her, and I definitely don't want to lose her again.