Chapter 18 #2
“My expectations?” she fires back. “I didn’t even have any!
I wasn’t interested in Casey Barrett, the rockstar.
I don’t know him! I was interested in Casey Barrett, the seventh son of Mr. and Mrs. Barrett of Houston, Texas.
The guy who would stand beside his friend when no one else saw any reason why he should.
The guy who didn’t shy away from someone else’s puke, or late nights, or fights with a powerful label because they were hurting someone he loved.
The guy whose smile literally got me through the last few days of emotional hell, and who’s been nothing but a rock for all of us. ”
Angry tears cloud her eyes and she wipes them away with rough movements. I feel like shit. Worse than shit. All I wanted to do was fix a mess, and instead I made a bigger one.
“I was interested in the guy who was finally starting to make me believe in myself,” she continues, burning a hole through my heart. “So if you’re not actually that guy, then I guess you’re right. We can just end this, whatever it is, now with a clean break.”
She doesn’t wait for a response when she spins around and escapes into the shadows.
Once again I watch her walk away because I’m too selfish to live with the consequences of my own choice.
But with all the painful challenges on my plate and more brimming on the horizon, none seem worse than the prospect of facing them without Callie.
After a quick shower, I’ve re-centered myself and decide to try again. I still don’t know how to fix this, but I can’t stop trying until I do. If not for myself, for her and Luke.
I trace her earlier steps to Luke’s room and knock briefly before peeking into the room. I need a change of clothes anyway.
Callie’s gaze sweeps over mine before returning with determination to the screen.
Ouch. And completely deserved.
Luke scans my half-naked body in a towel and shakes his head.
“Dude, you really need to send for your stuff or go shopping,” he says as I fish through his drawers. I shoot him a wry look, and his lips tip up with a secret only he knows.
“What are you watching?” I ask to break the tense atmosphere.
“ Absolute Descent ,” Callie says in a curt tone.
I cross a look to her, but she’s avoiding me, so I return to my task.
“Any good?” I ask.
“So far it’s fine,” is her dismissive reply. “Just started fifteen minutes ago.”
Guess she’s going to make me work for this.
“Can I sit?” I ask after pulling on shorts and a t-shirt.
Callie looks about to say no, but Luke has other plans.
“Sure, man. We can go out to the living room if you want.”
Relocating solves nothing. I need forced proximity.
“No, this is fine. There’s room.”
Famous last words.
It takes exactly three minutes and a few heated exchanges before she’s fleeing from me yet again. This time back the way she came .
Luke turns a warning look on me as she stomps away, presumably “to get a drink.”
“I don’t know what you did, but you need to go fix this,” he grunts.
He’s not wrong. If he has any grand ideas how, that would be great, because right now I can’t seem to do anything right.
I release a heavy exhale and slide off the bed. My original plan was to play it civil for a while, let her get used to my presence, like acclimating to the heat. Then I’d make another attempt at smoothing things over.
But I miscalculated. I underestimated what this woman does to me, and once we were pressed against each other, my brilliant plan dissolved in a rush of need to be close to her.
Now she’s further than ever.
And it’s all my fault. Everything is my fault these days. I’m trying so hard to keep all these ships afloat, but it’s getting impossible to breathe, let alone carry the catastrophic weight crushing me.
I’m so fucking lost. And scared. And paying for crimes I don’t even know I’m committing anymore.
She squares up when I approach, and I brace for another blow.
But the longer she searches my face, the softer her stance becomes.
“I’m sorry, Callie… I…”
Emotion creeps into my voice, and I choke it back. I don’t have words. I have nothing. I’m going to lose her and I don’t know how to stop it.
I lock my fingers above my head as stray thoughts assault me from all sides. Memories, fears, past and present, they dive-bomb me in one massive attack. All I can do is close my eyes until they swirl into a single message.
And when they do, I only have one choice—complete honesty .
“I don’t date, Callie.”
“Not ever?” she asks in surprise, because she knows that’s not true.
“Not seriously.”
I drop to the end of the couch, as if the mental weight has finally trampled me. I can’t even stand anymore. She pauses, then tentatively takes a seat a few cushions away.
I pull in a breath and compel myself to continue.
“My whole life has been spent witnessing one endless string of bad relationships. I grew up watching my dad beat my mom, older siblings getting dumped, older siblings wrecking others by dumping them.” I shiver at the next image. “Then the finale of Luke and Elena.”
I tip my head back and dissolve into the cushions. Just that small moment of peace is enough to keep going.
“Luke was my best friend, Elena my closest sibling. When they started dating, I wasn’t surprised, but I was terrified. I knew Luke. I knew he couldn’t be what Elena needed. And I knew Elena couldn’t handle what he was. I tried to warn them. I…”
Shit. I can’t crack. Not now. I’ve held it together for so long. I’m not going to break.
I rub my palms on my face, fighting the emotion. The memories.
“Tell him I hate him! Tell him I never want to hear from him again!”
“Elena, please, just ? —”
“No! Don’t even try to defend him. You’re my brother! You’re supposed to be on my side!”
“It’s not that simple. There’s the band ? —”
“Ah! Then I hate you too!”
Click .
I clear away the memory. There are so many. A constant looping vortex that eventually sucked them both into the abyss.
“Anyway, they wouldn’t listen to me. They were both so in love with each other, it didn’t matter what anyone said. There was nothing I could do but brace myself and watch the disaster unfold.”
My eyelids slip closed again. Heat burns behind them, and I know I’m losing the battle.
It’s too much pain, too much loss to carry. I pull in a fractured breath, trying to clear my lungs, but it’s no use.
I know when I speak again the words are going to come out as broken as I feel, but there’s no other way to tell this story.
“And that’s what I did,” I scratch out. “Watched for three years as the two people I loved most in this world absolutely destroyed each other and themselves.”
I find her again, needing her to understand. She might be the only person who can.
“Do you know what that’s like?” I blink back threatening tears.
“It killed Elena, and now it’s killing Luke, and I swore I’d never do that to someone else.
I would never, ever, hurt someone I loved the way they hurt each other.
The way my dad hurt my mom. I don’t know how else to do that except to stay away from them. ”
I lean forward, elbows on my knees, and hide my face in my hands.
I’m not surprised when I hear movement. She’s probably running away from the disaster in front of her. I don’t blame her. In some ways it’s what I want. In all ways it’s what I expect.
I flinch when warm pressure infuses into my arm. She squeezes until I look at her, then takes my hand.
“You’re not Luke. I’m not Elena.” Her tone is gentle but firm. Her eyes bore into mine, reinforcing the message.
Hot liquid drains down my cheeks. I hate it, but I can’t stop it. It’s been trapped inside me for too long. I shake my head, trying to clear it.
“You don’t know that.” My voice is barely above a whisper. “What if I am?”
Isn’t it already happening? This time it’s my mess forcing this strong woman to steel herself in preparation to fight for someone else’s soul.
“You know what? Maybe you are,” she says in a determined voice. “But you’re worth the risk to me. You just need to decide if I am. You’ve told me many times I have to start trusting myself. Trust who I am. So do you.”
Trust in who you are.
The man who stood in for Molly when our father lost his temper.
The man who stood by Luke when even he punished me for it.
The man who stood up for the band and took blow after blow to protect a future I’m not even sure I still believe in.
Callie’s words soothe and sting as they echo through my head. I want them to be true. So much. But wanting something does nothing to change reality. We’re not even addressing the other obstacle standing in our way.
I shake my head. “We can’t, though! Don’t you get it? I’ve got maybe three to four months, then I’m gone again. I’m on the road all the time, and even when I’m not, I’ve got obligations and expectations that take me everywhere and?—”
“Casey, stop.” She tugs my hand with an incredulous look, bordering on amused.
“I’m not asking for a ring, here,” she says with a short laugh. “I’m talking about just letting whatever this is develop while it can. We can decide later what to do with it.”
She softens and squeezes my hand. “You can’t force yourself to be alone forever just because other people made some poor decisions. What happened to Luke and Elena… I can’t even im agine what that was like for you, but that’s not going to happen with us.”
“But…”
She cuts me off with a stern look. “Casey, even if you break my heart, you will not break me. You won’t.”
She pulls me toward her.
The second our lips meet, the pressure around my heart releases. The pain, the fear, the loneliness, it all melts away. It will still be waiting for me somewhere in the shadows, but for now, I’m encased in light.
Our kiss deepens with a desperation I haven’t felt before. Hunger and need for more than carnal pleasure. I want substance and time. Trust and hope.
We adjust on the couch until I’m stretched over her, our mouths still fighting to possess and own. Her hands claw at my shirt, scaling my body and spreading hot streaks wherever she touches. If a single kiss could tell a complex story, this is it.
“Casey?” she whispers.
“Yeah?” I breathe out.
“We’re going to be okay.”
I lift my head to find her eyes. When I do, joy like I’ve never felt seeps from my soul onto my lips in the form of a soft smile.
“You think?” I say.
“Yeah.”
Her grin is everything as she traces my jaw and searches my eyes.
It’s impossible not to kiss her again, and I indulge the craving.
She slides her hand up the back of my neck, tangling her fingers in my hair.
It feels so amazing to be owned by this person.
And she does. I’m hers, in whatever broken, messy way she wants me.
There’s no point fighting it anymore. She’s right.
This could all end in catastrophe like everything else, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try .
We separate slowly, exchanging a tender, intimate smile.
I climb off her and reach out a hand to tug her to her feet.
As soon as she’s standing, she’s in my arms again. She settles against me, and I guard her close, daring anything in this big ugly universe to try to hurt her.
And suddenly, I know what I have to do. I would do anything for this woman. Anything.
Including sell my soul to Orin Cantea.
“Would you be upset if I tell them to fix the PR mess by reporting that you’re my girlfriend instead of Luke’s?” I ask. “No one would care then and they’ll leave you both alone.”
It’s not even a lie. That’s exactly what I plan to do, it’s just not my label’s PR company that will get the story.
She tips her head back with a look of surprise. “I don’t know. It depends. Is it true?”
Is it true…
Twenty-five years of history beat down on me.
Mountains of trauma.
Volumes of reasons not to do this…
But it’s all silenced by the look in her eyes.
“Um… I don’t know. Do you want it to be?” I still can’t believe she would want that after everything.
“You’re kidding, right?” she scoffs.
I return a weak smile. “Well, I didn’t want to assume… I mean after being such an ass the last couple days…”
“You were,” she jokes before growing serious again. “You have my permission to call it whatever you want, but you’re my choice, Casey, not Luke. Any rumors floating around about me should revolve around you.”
I pull in a sharp breath. It’s almost like she phrased it that way on purpose. Like she knew what it would mean to me to be chosen after a lifetime being the fourth chair. And there’s not a single thing I’d want more than this .
She reaches for my hand, and I love the possessive way she holds onto it. It’s hers. For as long as she’ll accept it.
“Should we get back to the movie?” she asks, already dragging me toward the hall.
I’m about to agree until my gaze snags on the guitar. Maybe I do have something I can offer her after all.
“Not yet. I have something for you.”
I grin as I guide us back to the couch. Picking up the guitar, I prepare to show her what she means to me with the best evidence I have.
“They say I’m a rockstar, baby
But that’s just what they made me
Ignore my wall of Grammys, right now I’m only yours.
I’m a superstar or pathetic cover, it’s all in your power, lover
You’re everything I need to know, let me be yours
I’m no titan, babe, a liar, maybe
I’m no one else you need to know
You unravel my maze, the light in my haze
You’re everything I need to know
You may drive me crazy
But when I’m with you I’m just Casey,
and that’s how I know,
that’s all I need to know,
I’m yours”