Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
ATTICUS
Riley shot me a look. “I should be asking you the same question.”
Nicole stood behind me quietly, and all I could think about was protecting her feelings. That meant getting Riley the fuck out of here.
“Let’s step outside, please,” I told Riley, leading her down the block where there was no way Mimi or Nicole would overhear.
When I felt comfortable that we were well beyond earshot, I stopped and faced her. “Why didn’t you call before showing up here?”
“You told me you were dealing with a family situation, Atticus. You conveniently left out the part where your ex-wife was involved.”
I exhaled. “You shouldn’t have come.”
“Why? Because you didn’t want me to know what you’re up to?”
“Riley, even if I were having an affair with my ex-wife, which I’m not, you and I are not exclusive.”
“Yes, but I thought we had an understanding that when you weren’t touring…you and I would spend time together. Why did you lie and tell me you were coming to New Jersey to visit your family?”
An understanding created by you that I’d never agree to? “I didn’t lie. I said I had a family situation , and that’s what this is. Nicole and I aren’t married anymore, but she’ll always be my family.”
I owed Riley the decency not to continue this conversation on the street, so I texted Nicole that I would be back soon.
We got in Riley’s car and drove to a bar in town.
Once there, I explained the full situation. While she wasn’t happy, Riley calmed down a bit once she realized the situation with Nicole wasn’t as cut and dried as she’d assumed.
“Will you tell me now how you found out where I was?” I asked.
She stirred the ice in her drink. “I called your manager and told him I needed to reach you. Doug said you’d had him order a set of drums to be delivered here and gave me the address. Said he knew nothing more than that. But what prompted me to reach out in the first place was a photo posted online—you and Tristan out with two women. One I recognized as his girlfriend, and I knew the second woman was your ex.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I’ve never shown you photos of Nicole.”
“No, but come on, Atticus. Of course I’ve peeked at your old social media posts over the years.”
“That’s creepy.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You mean to tell me you’ve never stalked someone’s social media before?”
Only Nicole’s, although she never posted much. I guess I couldn’t blame Riley for stalking me. I couldn’t blame her for being pissed, either. She knew I dated other people, but she’d been around long enough that I owed her the truth. I had nothing to hide, but somehow I had been trying to hide the fact that Nicole was the family I’d been referring to. I still had feelings for my ex-wife. And I couldn’t admit that to Riley without getting her more upset than she already was.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t clearer about why I was here. Would you have taken it well if I’d told you the truth, though?”
“Probably not. But I would’ve accepted it. What choice do I have when it comes to you? I’ve accepted a lot, like the fact that our relationship, if you want to call it that, won’t ever go beyond friends with benefits.”
“Are you not happy with our dynamic anymore?” I asked.
Riley crossed her arms. “I’ve never been happy with it.”
I could not handle Riley developing feelings. She’d been a good friend and lover, but it was nothing more than casual for me. Never had been. If she wanted more, she deserved better than to be strung along by a man who would never love her. Maybe now was the time to set her free, even if she wasn’t technically mine to let go of.
“Riley, listen, I don’t want you to hate me. You’ve been a very good friend, and your companionship has helped me through a hard stretch in my life. I’ve appreciated having your company when I’m home in L.A. but also the fact that you never question what I do with my time when we aren’t together. It’s been the perfect situation for me, but not a really fair situation for you, if what you want is someone who prioritizes you. I’ll never be a true boyfriend.” I forced the words out. “Maybe it’s better if we end this now.”
She moved back in her seat. “You’re breaking up with me? Is that what you’re trying to say? Here, in this podunk bar?”
“I’m suggesting that you not waste your time with me anymore because I can’t give you what you need.”
Being around Nicole again had confirmed that I had no room in my heart for anyone else. And if even a piece of my heart was what Riley wanted, this had to end. Because none of it was hers to have.
Her bottom lip quivered. “What if I just want to keep things the way they have been?”
“You really came all the way out here to tell me you want things to stay the way they are? You wouldn’t have come if you didn’t care about me. And you deserve to have that reciprocated.”
She looked away. “God, you’re right.”
I reached for her hand. “Riley, you deserve better than me . Okay? That’s what I’m trying to say. I could’ve said, ‘Yeah, let’s keep doing what we’re doing when I’m back in L.A. because it’s convenient for me.’ But I don’t want to do that to you. I don’t want to hurt any more people in my life than I already have.”
Riley closed her eyes for several seconds then opened them. “Sadly, I needed this reality check. The moment I saw the photo of you and your ex, I went ballistic. That says something. I guess I’ve been lying to myself.”
It hurt to see her upset. But I didn’t have the bandwidth to give her more of my time. I squeezed her hand. “The last thing I ever wanted was to lead you on. The most honest thing I can tell you is that…if I were you, I wouldn’t waste any more time with me.”
Riley wiped tears from her eyes, further proof that I’d taken this too far.
To my surprise, she eventually flashed a smile. “I wish you weren’t so damn hot.” She chuckled. “I’m gonna miss having sex with you.”
“That’s one area we’ve definitely been compatible. And I don’t regret a second spent with you, Riley.”
She tugged at the hairs on my arm. “You should…come back to my hotel for one last time before we say goodbye.”
While that sounded like a fun way to end things and could have been a solution to my perpetual boner, no part of me actually wanted that. There was only one woman my body, mind, and soul craved right now. Even if it made no sense, given the reality of our relationship—or lack thereof—going to Riley’s hotel would feel like cheating. As long as I was here in Monksville with my ex, I was hers, even if she wasn’t mine. That was the sad reality.
“Are you back together with her?” Riley asked.
“No.” I wish.
“Then why not one last time with me?”
I sighed. “I just…can’t.”
“Okay.” She moved her hand away. “Well, how does one end this conversation? Have a nice life?”
I stood and smiled. “We end it with a hug. Then you leave, and I walk my ass home.”
Opening my arms, I hugged her before placing a chaste kiss on her cheek.
Then she was gone.
I lingered at the table for a bit.
It felt strange to think I might never see her again. At the same time, it was a huge relief. I no longer had to worry about hurting her.
Just as I was heading out of the bar, I heard a voice call out, “Hey, asshole!”
Who the fuck did I piss off now?
But a second later, I realized it was my sister. My mouth curved into a smile. “Hey!”
“What the hell? You’re in town and you don’t tell me?”
Shit. “I swear I was gonna tell you I was here.”
“Really?” She poked my chest with her index finger. “When?”
Beads of sweat formed on my forehead. There were very few people I had to answer to in life. Very few people who scared me. But of those who did, my big sis, Tina, was at the top of the list.
“Very soon. What are you doing here?”
“I was just picking up some fries to go. You know I love the fries here.”
Tina was a widow and had three kids, two sons and a daughter. Kieran and Kenzie were twins, both twenty-four. Kieran had worked on one of Delirious Jones’s tours, and my niece, Kenzie, was a photographer. The youngest, Kyle, was a junior in high school. Their dad, Brian, had passed away after a cardiac event related to a disorder he never knew he had. The kids had been small when it happened, and I’d been just a few years out of high school. My sister was my hero for the way she’d handled raising those kids alone, even if she’d had no choice. I tried my best to be there for them whenever I could. I’d take the boys camping or invite them to New York or L.A. for the weekend. But Kenzie was my princess. That girl could just look at me, and I’d give her whatever she wanted.
“Did you tell any of the kids you’re here?” she asked.
“No one knows I’m here.”
“When did you get in?”
“Five days ago.”
“What the hell?”
“I’m not hiding from you. I just knew I wouldn’t have time until these two weeks are over.”
“Why two weeks? By the way, you had time to come to the bar tonight.”
I sighed and then spent the next twenty minutes explaining everything to my sister, who thankfully calmed down once she understood I wasn’t simply ignoring her.
“Wow, I’m so sorry to hear Mimi isn’t doing well. She’s such a sweet lady.”
“Now that you know I’m here, you should come visit her.”
“I would love that. You think Nicole would mind?”
“If she doesn’t mind me being around, she certainly won’t mind you. She always loved you.”
My sister flashed a sad smile. “I love her, too.”
I love her three. I needed to get back to Nicole, especially with the way I’d left tonight, but there was no chance in hell my sister was gonna let me go that fast.
“Are you doing okay with all this?” she asked.
“I’ve upped my therapy sessions to once a week, if that answers your question.”
“It does, but I’m happy to hear you’re still seeing someone.”
“Yeah, well, I’m still seeing Dr. Jensen, but I haven’t been willing to talk about the tough stuff, which sort of defeats the purpose.” I tugged at my hair. “What? You look like you want to say something.”
“I do. But it’s nothing I haven’t said before.”
“Okay…”
“Come sit for a bit.” My sister took what was supposed to be takeout fries to a table and opened the greasy bag. She bit into one of them. “Losing Brian all those years ago taught me that nothing else matters in life if you don’t have the person you love. I never got to say goodbye, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for more time with him. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for just one more moment, no matter how brief. I will always believe that if the person you love is on this Earth, there’s nothing you shouldn’t be willing to do to get them back.”
“She doesn’t want that, Tina. She can’t get over what happened, and there’s the not-so-small complication of her dating someone I hate now.” I felt my blood pressure rising.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Really…” I gritted my teeth.
“Really. I’m telling you none of that matters. But how you get her back is up to you, little brother. I don’t have all the answers. I just tell you what to do, not how to do it.” She winked.
I shook my head and looked at the time. “I have to go. I have to get home to Nicole.”
Tina looked at me a moment. “You realize what you just said, right? Home to Nicole.”
“It was just a figure of speech.”
She winked again. “Sure it was.”