Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13
NICOLE
Every second Atticus was out with that woman was more excruciating than the last. I’d spent the entire time pacing. Also, most of my fingernails were gone after I’d bitten them off.
Tonight was the first time I’d been face to face with a woman Atticus had been with since me. She was pretty, of course, and blonde, my total opposite, which added insult to injury. I’d thought I was his type. Guess not.
Needing a distraction, I’d once again logged in to my computer and checked my old email account, reading another of Atticus’s messages to me.
Nicole,
I don’t understand anything anymore.
I don’t recognize my life.
Someone told me something today that I’m hoping isn’t true.
They said they saw you with Julian.
But only you can tell me the truth.
Is it true?
Are you with him now?
This is the first time I’ve really needed to get drunk since I quit drinking more than three drinks at a time. It’s really fucking hard not to get fucked up tonight.
I get why you’d want to hurt me.
I’m not even debating the fact that I deserve it.
I just don’t know what to say.
I’m broken.
I’m sorry.
I still love you.
But this one fucking hurts.
Although nothing hurts more than losing you.
Always lost without you,
Atticus
My eyes watered as I shut my laptop. It took me several minutes to decompress.
This was the email I’d selected today? It served quite effectively to remind me how out of line my jealousy toward Atticus’s “girlfriend” was. I deserved to feel this way.
Mimi must not have been able to sleep, as I could hear her moving around in her bed. I hated the thought of going in there because having to lie to her about why Atticus was gone was going to suck. But if she was still up, I needed to check on her.
After stopping in the bathroom to splash water on my face, I went into her room.
Of course, the first thing she said was, “Where’s Atticus? I don’t hear him.”
He’s out with some bimbo. “Oh, he went to get some stuff we need for the house.”
“This late?”
“Yeah…” I cleared my throat. “You know there’s that twenty-four-hour Walmart.”
“Can you tell him to get some of those mint candies I like? The green and white starlight ones?”
“Oh, um…”
No way did I want to text him. He’d think I was making up an excuse to interrupt.
“He’s already left the store and is on his way back. Sorry.”
“That’s okay, honey.”
Not sure how I was going to explain if she stayed awake and noticed he never came home tonight, which was certainly a possibility.
I covered her with a blanket. “I’m sorry you’re having trouble sleeping. Try to get some rest.”
“Is everything okay with you and Atticus?”
I gulped. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I’ve just sensed something lately. I can’t put my finger on what it is.”
I would’ve loved some advice from her, but I was too deep into this farce to back out now. At this point, she might be more disappointed that I’d lied to her than the fact that Atticus and I were divorced. Still, I decided to give her some semblance of the truth.
“You picked up on that, huh?”
“Am I right?”
“You’re right that things have been better between us, yes.”
“Is it about kids? Are you having trouble getting pregnant? I asked Atticus about it the other day, and he didn’t seem comfortable talking about it.”
My stomach sank. “It’s not about kids, Mimi. I just struggle with the life Atticus leads sometimes. It’s not easy to be married to a famous musician.” It wasn’t, at least.
“But that’s the life you signed up for when you agreed to marry him, wasn’t it?”
Guilt hit me as her words sank in. She was absolutely right. I’d agreed to marry him knowing his career could take off, and when it did, I couldn’t handle it. I’d had a hand in the demise of our relationship. Her words were a reminder of my own weaknesses and insecurities—a reminder that if Atticus had given in to his past thoughts about not existing, my actions could’ve caused far worse than just the end of our marriage.
When I didn’t say anything, she added, “Is it because of your dad that you can’t fully trust Atticus?”
There was no doubt that my father cheating on my mother had a huge impact on me. A man I’d trusted implicitly had ultimately betrayed us both. The man I trusted most in this world had lied to me, and everything I’d thought to be true simply wasn’t.
I nodded. “That definitely affected me, Mimi. It’s a trauma I still haven’t properly worked through. As much as I want to be a confident person, I do feel like what Dad did has impacted my ability to trust people.”
She struggled to speak as she looked me straight in the eyes. “Atticus is not like your father. I can see how much he loves you. I know you have to believe that, though, for it to matter. I’ve observed many people in my lifetime, and I’ve never seen anyone look at someone the way Atticus looks at you.”
I shut my eyes. What she’d said was true. I felt it in every inch of my soul.
The front door opened, and I heard footsteps. He came back . Atticus couldn’t have orchestrated his return better considering what I’d told my grandmother about him being at the store. The timing was perfect.
Atticus stood at the doorway. “Hey, Mimi. What are you still doing up, beauty? You were asleep when I left.”
“Well, Nicole and I were just talking.”
“You were, were you?” He bent to kiss her forehead.
I wondered where those lips had been tonight. I searched his face for signs of lipstick, examined his hair to see if it looked out of place. It didn’t, really. My eyes landed on his big, beautiful hands as I wondered where they’d been tonight, too.
“What did you get from Walmart?” she asked him. “You don’t have any bags.”
Atticus looked over at me and lied, “Uh…just a few things for the house. I left the bag in the car because I’m feeling too lazy to put anything away tonight.”
“Next time you’re out, can you please get me some starlight mints? The green and white ones?”
“Of course.”
She nodded and closed her eyes. “You two can leave me be. Shut off the light on your way out.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said.
Atticus and I walked silently down the hallway. The tension in the air was thick as my heart thundered in my chest, jealousy pumping through my veins.
I headed straight to the bedroom and planned to give him the silent treatment while he hopefully stayed in the kitchen. But when he followed me into the room, I couldn’t help but whisper, “How was your girlfriend?”
He shut the door behind him. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“She sure acted like it, showing up here and looking at me with daggers in her eyes. Doesn’t she realize we’re not together anymore? What’s her problem?” My tone was filled with spite. I knew I must’ve seemed jealous. But I was. And I hated this feeling.
“Well, I never told her what I was doing in Monksville. And Doug stupidly gave her this address because I had him order the drums to be sent here. And you and I were apparently photographed while we were out the other night. Somehow she saw those photos.”
“Great.” I huffed. “So she, what, thought you were having an affair with me?”
“She was jealous, yeah. Came to confront me about it.”
“Did you set her straight?” I crossed my arms. “You told her there’s absolutely nothing going on between us?”
“I ended things with her, actually.” He looked down at his shoes. “Not that there was much to end, because I thought we’d had an understanding about not being in a relationship, but apparently that wasn’t clear enough to her.”
A wave of relief hit me. “So that’s why you were gone so long? You were breaking up with her this whole time?”
“You can’t break up with someone you’re not with. But yes, I was ending our limited relationship.”
“How did she take it?”
“She wasn’t happy, but she accepted it. I think she realizes she’s better off. I’m relieved because she deserves to find someone who can give her the time and attention she needs. It was never anything more than…” He hesitated, seeming to catch himself.
“Yeah…” I rolled my eyes, feeling sick. “Say no more.”
He exhaled. “But then after she left, as luck would have it, my sister walked into the bar and reamed me a new asshole for not telling her I was in town. You know Tina. She wouldn’t let me go. So that’s why I’m late.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Tina. I’d always loved her and her kids. For a long time, I’d looked at Tina like a sister, and her daughter, Kenzie, as my own niece.
“How is she?”
“She’s okay.”
“You should’ve told her you were in town from the beginning. Not sure how you thought you were gonna be able to get away with that. Someone was bound to find you.”
He shrugged. “I wanted to be able to focus on Mimi. If my family knew I was here, they wouldn’t leave me alone. There’s plenty of time to see them after Mimi’s aide comes back.”
“So…you’re gonna stay in town for a while after this is over?”
“For a little while. I’m not totally sure. Eventually I have to get back to L.A. so we can start recording. I won’t have an opportunity to come home for a while after that, either, because we’ll go on tour.”
“I see.” I bit my bottom lip.
“What’s that look for?”
“Nothing…”
“As soon as I mentioned the tour, your face changed.”
He was right. Just the word tour triggered me. It brought visions of Atticus doing God knows what with God knows who. Atticus had been with a lot of women since me, and there wasn’t one time I’d thought about that and not felt sick. But even before that lifestyle became a reality for him, my fear of it contributed to our end.
“You ended things with Riley so you don’t have to feel guilty for screwing around on tour anymore?” I blurted.
His expression went from concern to anger. “Yeah, Nicole. That’s exactly it,” he snapped.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, attempting to backtrack.
“No, by all means. It’s the truth, right? I’m nothing but an out-of-control manwhore without a soul. That’s how you see me.” He walked toward me, causing my blood to pump faster. “Well, I’ve got news for you.” He paused. “I became the very man you feared I would. But I was never that person when we were together. Not even close. But after you ended things for good, I had to turn to other people to try to get over you. It wasn’t going to be alcohol or drugs, so it was women. When you started dating Julian, I needed to forget reality.” He paused for a moment, gritting his teeth. “And no…ending things with Riley had nothing to do with needing more freedom to fuck around. Sadly, she was always aware of my activities on tour and didn’t seem to care so long as I hung out with her when I came back to L.A. She didn’t seem to care about anything—until she saw me photographed with you.”
I wouldn’t look at him. “Well, she had nothing to worry about there, did she?”
He inched closer, and now I could feel his breath on my face. “If you’re implying that I no longer have feelings for you, you’re mistaken. And you’re forgetting that I’m not the one of us in a committed relationship.” He tilted his head. “How is Julian, by the way? We haven’t talked about him much. But since you seem to think I’m the insensitive prick here, we might as well talk about how he took advantage of our pain and made it his prize.”
My stomach dropped at the mention of Julian. I’d known exactly what I was doing when I let Atticus’s former friend into my life, let him help me heal from the pain of my divorce. I’d known Atticus would be devastated when he found out. Yet I’d allowed it anyway, hoping that would cancel my own devastation over what had finally ended us for good. It was something I’d always regret. It had been a mistake.
“You don’t like it when I bring him up, do you?” His voice trembled. “I don’t like it, either. I wish it were a nightmare I could wake up from.”
I hadn’t been ready to admit what happened with Julian and me—I was still using him as a shield. It felt like without the idea of him, I was too vulnerable. Without Julian, my heart was still in the place it had been when my marriage ended. But right now, I couldn’t stand the hurt in my ex-husband’s eyes. I needed to ease the pain I knew he was feeling right now at the mere mention of Julian’s name.
I needed to tell Atticus the truth.
“I’m not with him anymore,” I admitted.
My revelation, though, only seemed to make him angrier.
Atticus gritted his teeth. “What did he fucking do? I’ll kill him if he hurt you. I—”
“No.” I placed my hand on his chest. “He didn’t do anything. I ended it.”
His erratic breaths softened. “Why?”
“Because he and I were…a mistake.”
His chest heaved. “Why were you a mistake?”
“You know why, Atticus.”
Atticus’s eyes were glassy. I couldn’t tell if it was because he’d had more than three drinks tonight or if he was about to cry.
He moved in closer. “I need to hear you say it.”
I swallowed. “He and I were a mistake…because I only attached myself to him to forget you and to spite you, and I’m a horrible person for it. At the time I let him in, I needed a distraction from how badly I was hurt, and I didn’t care that I hurt you in the process.”
Atticus nodded for a while. “Well, mission accomplished.” He exhaled. “But you know the hardest part for me?”
“What?”
“I can’t even blame you for it. Because I wanted to hurt me, too.”
A shooting pain sliced through my chest.
He closed his eyes as the room filled with silence.
“Can we not talk about this anymore, Atticus? It’s been a long night.”
He nodded.
We said nothing further as we changed for bed, once again back to back so the other couldn’t see things we’d already seen a million times before.
Then we got into bed and lay together in more silence. I’d thought maybe he’d fallen asleep until he spoke into the darkness.
“I hate the person I am without you,” he whispered.
My chest tightened. His words mirrored exactly how I felt about myself. I hated the person I was without him, the person I’d become in the years since our separation. I didn’t want to be that heartless woman anymore.
I wanted to comfort him right now, to roll over and hold him. But I was so afraid to let my guard down. The need to touch him in some way became too intense, though. I reached my hand over to his chest and placed it on his heart. It was beating so fast. I didn’t have to wonder why. I knew .
He placed his hand over mine, locking it in. I fell asleep to the rhythm of his heart beating for me.
***
When I walked into the kitchen the following morning, Atticus threw me for a loop.
“Did you mean everything you said last night?” he asked.
“What are you talking about?”
“Everything you said in your sleep.”
A rush of adrenaline hit. Oh no. “What did I say?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Of course I don’t remember what I said while I was sleeping .” Dread filled me. “What did I say?”
He flashed a mischievous grin. “It’s too obscene to repeat. I don’t want to embarrass you.”
Great. “Your little game is such a mind fuck. You know that?”
He flashed his teeth. “It is, isn’t it?”
The smirk on his face was so damn sexy. I hated that this man could make me feel like my body was on fire just by looking at me. I wanted to run my hands through his hair so badly that my fingertips tingled. I wanted to kiss him and forget about the past for one damn day.
These feelings were troubling, to say the least.
“Heard you get up,” he said, “so I prepared your coffee. Mimi’s also had her breakfast. She should be good for a while but probably needs to be changed soon. She still won’t let me do it.” He turned to leave the kitchen.
“Where are you going?”
“My drums are about to arrive. Got a text from the delivery guy that he’s only a few minutes away.” Atticus disappeared down the hall.
After I tended to my grandmother, I returned to the kitchen and heated up the coffee Atticus had prepared for me earlier.
Still consumed by our conversation last night, I took advantage of him being out of the house and went back to the room to open my laptop. Though I knew it would upset me, I clicked into another of Atticus’s lost emails.
Nicole,
You could at least let me know you’re receiving these messages.
I wrote a song for you.
Ready?
There once was a girl named Nicole.
She ate me up and swallowed me whole.
But I got what I deserved.
My beautiful wife.
I ruined her life.
Anyway, I’m too messed up to finish it, but you get the point.
That’s why I don’t write songs. I leave that to Tristan.
SO fucked up right now.
Not alcohol, but I took something. I don’t even know what the fuck it was. Someone gave it to me. Stupid, I know.
Kind of defeats my three-drink rule if I’m moving on to other things, I guess. But I really need to forget today.
I need to forget that you’re not mine anymore.
That you’re with him now.
So, I got fucked up.
Did I mention that?
It won’t happen again.
He posted a photo of you and him.
And I can’t unsee it.
I hate you. (I love you.)
Always lost without you,
Atticus
Staring at the screen, I felt empty, certainly not strong enough to read another one. Each of those missed emails hurt me more than the last. The only solace was knowing they’d been written far in the past and that instead of being in the state he was when he’d written that, Atticus was currently okay and setting up his drums in the garage.
Shutting the laptop, I busied myself cleaning the kitchen, all the while ruminating about that email and what I may or may not have admitted to him in my sleep last night.
A half-hour later, the sound of drumming rang out in the distance. I shut my eyes for a moment, appreciating the nostalgia of hearing Atticus practice. It had been so long since I’d heard that sound.
It was no surprise that Mimi heard it, too, though, since it was louder than he probably realized.
“What’s that racket?” she asked when I entered her room.
“Atticus just had a drum set delivered. He’s taking full advantage of you being awake this morning.”
“Well, that’s one way for him to get out his frustrations.”
“Is it bothering you? I can tell him to stop.”
“No, no. It’s nice to have something to focus on besides the thoughts racing in my head. I sort of like the noise.”
“What have you been thinking about?” I sat by her bedside. “Are you okay?”
“Well, you know, when you get to be my age and close to the end, you have all sorts of crazy thoughts. We don’t know whether we’ll wake up from one sleep to the next. Every sunrise is a miracle. And every night, all we can hope is that we’ve finished the day with some peace in our hearts. Just in case it’s the last time.”
“Do you feel a sense of peace right now?”
Mimi nodded. “I think I do, yes. My daughter and granddaughter are settled. Your uncles and cousins, too. It’s really you and your mom I would worry about. As for me, I’ve lived. I’ve loved. I don’t want to leave this Earth, but I’ve had the privilege of living far beyond the age of most. At some point, I have to say goodbye and move onto whatever’s next. Can’t be here forever, as much as I’d want to be for you, honey.”
“Well, I hope we have you for many more sleeps to come. I don’t ever want to lose you. I’ll never be ready for that day.”
She turned her head slowly toward me. “Can I give you some advice?”
“Of course.”
“Don’t fight with your husband.”
Uh-oh.
Last night.
Were we too loud?
I was pretty sure Atticus and I had been whispering behind that closed bedroom door last night, but you never know.
“Did you hear us fighting?”
“Yes.”
My stomach dropped. “Did you hear what we were fighting about?”
“No. Couldn’t make it out, but like I’ve told you, I sense that things are not right with you two, even if I don’t know exactly what’s going on. Life is too short to spend your time bickering, you know. You should be making love, laughing, doing all the wonderful things youth allows. If I could have just one day back with your grandfather, the last thing I’d be doing is arguing with him.”
I felt like such a fraud for making Mimi believe I was settled in life, but it was more important that she die in peace than anything else. It was more important than my own sanity, apparently.
I nodded. “Thank you for the reminder of what’s important. I’ll take it to heart.”
After I left Mimi’s room, I wanted to peek in on Atticus practicing. Before opening the door to the garage, I leaned my back against it, closed my eyes, and let the beats vibrate through me, Atticus’s passion consuming me more and more with every strike. Echoing through my bones. Through my soul. How I’d missed listening to him play. Suddenly, I was sixteen again, enthralled by my cousin’s older friend.
I lost track of how long I stayed there in that spot against the door. When the drumming abruptly stopped, I nearly fell back as the door opened behind me.
“What the heck?” I shouted.
Atticus’s eyes flashed with anger. “He’s here.”
“Who’s here?”
“Fucking Julian is out front. I set up a Ring camera on the house, and it alerts me whenever someone’s at the door.”